to make it plain to df that if chooses to go back to his house we can help but can't run round after him constantly

No — you’re not being unreasonable. I've been there.
You’re being realistic, compassionate, and responsible. You can offer support, but you are not obliged to sacrifice your own health, jobs, or lives to prop up an unsafe situation he’s refusing to change. If he has capacity, he’s allowed to make risky choices — but you’re allowed to set limits.
Next steps:

• Push for hospital social services before discharge
• Be clear and united: “We can help with X, but we can’t provide 24/7 care.”
• If he refuses help, that’s his decision — not your failure.

You’re doing the hard, adult thing in a brutal month.

That's not we found when my mum broke her hip around eighteen months ago - I gues it varies from country to country and NHS Trust to NHS Trust.
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The Occupational therapy team visited the home before she was discharged to arrange for items (e.g. toilet frame, orthopedic chair, zimmer frame, commode) to be delivered before she was discharged, and she also got a free six week Re-enablement package of carers and physiotherapists coming in.

After the six weeks was up the local Social Services team arranged for a new set of carers to continue to visit; although she is self-funding it is arranged and we pay for it via the council.

I meant if they deem he has capacity.

Best of luck OP. In my recent experience it is very difficult to get people to listen. If the hospital feels that your father is competent then they won’t do anything.

It's such a difficult situation. Absolutely things need to be sorted but everyone is a bit stuck if he refuses to engage with the offers of help.
Assuming he has capacity to make his own decisions the hospital have to allow him to do so, even if unwise. By all means discuss your concerns with them and hopefully they will be able to persuade him to accept some of the things you discuss, but sadly using the term 'unsafe discharge ' as PP advised doesn't wave a magic wand and he won't be able to stay in hospital whilst long term existing problems (such as dangerous stairs) are resolved. Do you think you could sell respite in a care home as an option whilst you all sort out his property? He might then find he settles into a care setting and is happy to stay.

You need to make it crystal clear to the hospital that family CANNOT look after him, because this IS what they will expect to happen

I thubk how this plays out can depend a bit on whether he is self funding or not. I found a distinct lack of interesting getting involved when the person was self funding

Agree with this. Use the words “unsafe discharge” and “high risk of immediate readmission”

You are not unreasonable to say that to him, but be prepared - and accept - that his response to you might be that he still wants to go home.

Does his house have a toilet downstairs? Can you clean just a few rooms and get him set up in a few rooms downstairs at his home? Toilet with sink, flannel for a sink wash, kitchen for basic food, living room with TV. Then whenever you or your siblings can get there you can help him upstairs to shower?

Sometimes people in his position know exactly what state their life is in and they would still choose to be at home, alone and without help, to live out their end in their own familiar home, than be moved into a care home.

My mother is in a similar position. We have been to look at a lot of care homes together. They were all miserable dismal places that smelled weird. I do my best to support her, it’s mentally and physically exhausting but I also have a full time job so I cannot be with her full time. Still her choice is to stay at home. I respect her choice and she has to accept what I can help with. It’s far from ideal, but it’s her life, her choice.

I’m so sorry you’re in this terrible situation… I can’t help or even advise, but this is a situation many of us will find ourselves in with aging relatives while trying to hold down jobs and look after children. You have my respect.

Request an assessment organised by the hospital Opal Team and state unsafe discharge without long loud and continually. let the nurses know your concerns as from experience Drs tend to look only at medical fitness rather than the nurses who are more holistic.

They became involved with my lovely but demented MiL after she used her long term memory and knowledge of working in the NHS (consultant God help us!) to blag her way out of hospital twice.

They arranged a two week assessment bed in a care setting to discover her actual needs over what she told them she could still do. This was sold to her as ‘convalescence’ and see what you need to help you going forward. We could then state the NHS said she needed a care home as her home was no longer safe and she would keep ending up in A&E and hospital stays as a result. we promised to ensure we would work to find one she could feel at home in, close to family and friends and that they would visit her and take her out to do some of the things she loved ( whilst she still has capacity to do so)

Family used the time to locate a care home able to meet her needs with some extras to help occupy her such as a garden, art classes and daily social activity. It’s mid cost as the high cost one was too much and we used her money to create an annuity thanks to an independent financial advisor that will continue to cover her core care home costs for the rest of her life so she can stay there.

Make very clear to the discharge coordinator what the situation is- ask for an ot assessment at his house and ask for a discharge care package. Tell them you consider it an “ unsafe discharge” with out. Care and a v high risk of readmittance.

It's possible having to stay in hospital longer has shown him how serious his situation is, and that actually he doesn't have the control over his life he thinks he has. (Which I know is scary but unfortunately the reality for him)

So I'd be using this to an advantage by going a step further and making it a condition that he has a carer once a day and a cleaner once a week.

His options are either a nursing home or his own home with carers and cleaner, end of.

We had to do this with fil after a hospital admission.
Luckily he was able to see that it was the best out of bad options and it worked very well until he passed away.

Not unreasonable, especially if he won't have anything in place to help. Male sure you are extremely clear with hospital discharge people re. what you will and will not be doing.