to make it plain to df that if chooses to go back to his house we can help but can't run round after him constantly

The trouble is that he would need to have some kind of diagnosis of a disorder of his mind or brain for the mental capacity act to apply at all. That is base one to displace the presumption of capacity that we all have under the act. If he doesn’t have such a disorder then he continues to have the right to make unwise choices including to take an unsafe discharge. The hospital cannot force him into a care placement or care package unless he agrees or is certified to lack capacity. It is not their fault that the discharge was unsafe it is his own responsibility if he is capacitous. You will need to ask for an assessment for dementia if you think he has that condition or suggest some other disorder of his mind or brain that the hospital can diagnose and would be affecting his judgement.

They really don't get it do they. Sympathies.

It's a difficult one, especially if he is plausible when speaking to the medical staff and SS. If they feel he has capacity then they can't/won't make a decision for him.

With my situation things were finally taken out of mine and my elderly parents hands when they were in late stage dementia and it was clear I was never going to cope. It took years for that to happen and I was at breaking point (only me and no one else to help).

You have to stand your ground and make it clear to the hospital you won't be around full time and the decision is theirs. I say this but I was too soft hence me reaching the end of my tether.

I'm sorry to hear that @ohreallyIsee, that's less than a week from going home to having to be readmitted which really ought to make him realise that things will have to change. I will hope for your family's sake that he has a revelation about this, but experience suggests that he will recover and just decide to go home again.

If he has that much money then he will have to pay for any care package himself which is often the reason why people refuse care. They think it is too expensive and they want to save money when often it’s a false economy to refuse care that would help them to stay at home longer (and anyway what else would they be keeping if for??)

When they phone for “h your help” remind them you can get “ carers help” but you can’t do it each and every time and ask why are you being so stubborn?

Tell him he has option of care home or staying at home with carers & cleaner twice a week harsh but his choice

Wow I think she might win the most self centred on the thread award. No mean feat on this board.

Almost inevitable that he would of course insist on going home. I think the modern “discharge to assess” approach can very occasionally work well if the team is able to do home visits promptly and get equipment in very promptly. More often it is a way of getting a patient out and leaving them to struggle on.

Please do try and stay to your boundaries. Does he wear a falls alarm at least - who is on the contact list for that if he does? Hopefully the stairs will not be his undoing.

Except those choices are usually made at someone else’s expense. He has the right, that doesn’t make it right. I hope I don’t do this to my children.

I said she was being very reasonable to say they can only help out occasionally. Ultimately, it is still, and should be, his choice. He accepts the risks etc of living alone.

The fact we will all be old one day is irrelevant. It’s not a given to become stubborn and unrealistic. My own GP planned well. There comes a point when needs outweigh wants and as individuals we have a responsibility to get our heads round that at a much earlier age if we all want modern medicine to continue to extend our lives past their natural end. As a nurse of many years in both primary and secondary care I see the ramifications of failure to do so every day. Look at the profile of the majority of those filling medical beds, A&E units, the ambulances queued outside hospitals. Many hundreds of thousands on a revolving door of re- admissions and unsafe discharges up and down the country.
Anyone is allowed to make unwise choices as long as they don’t impact negatively on others, particularly our nearest and dearest. To make them knowing that they will is the height of selfishness. PIL, dementia free, had a similar ‘cross that bridge’ mentality but were straight on the phone to us the minute things predictably fell apart. Dreadful parenting. It damaged the last several months of their children’s relationship and left a very poor legacy.

She thinks paid compassionate leave should cover potentially weeks of running around after her on repeat.

I’ve pointed out that there is emergency unpaid leave which is a day to deal with an initial crisis, but after that I’d be expected back at work and someone else dealing with the care. And that compassionate leave is two days paid leave when she dies! She’s also expected me to use compassionate leave to take her to the funeral of someone I don’t even know.

I sympathise My SIL rented rooms in a large house, where the elderly owner also lived. When the old lady started having falls, my SIL was roped in to take her to A&E. When the hospital asked who would take care of her , and the lady answered "SIL". was when my SIL started looking for a new home! No relative, everyone just assumed that because she was living in the house she would take on the responsibility.

We currently have the same issue with my dad. He shouldn't be living alone, but refuses a live in carer or going into a home.
He has carers in 3 times a day, a cleaner and meals on wheels, but he only (finally) accepted the carers (after physically removing one carers from his house), after we told him it was carers or a nursing home. However, it still means an awful lot of running around for us (he is currently in A&e), and we are physically and mentally exhausted by it.

I can’t walk past this post without asking all those with elderly parents not to leave it to social services or the hospital ward team to have the conversation

As others have said I think this is naive about what actually happens. I would bet the mortgage that every family has had those conversations. Elderly people just don't want to hear it and are in denial. And quite frankly if they just refuse to engage, fairly often the family does step in to help, so it's a game of chicken that the recalcitrant old'un often wins.

Most people in reality end up having to introduce carers as “friends” or “someone to give you a hand”. Whatever the reason they will accept, my parents were used to and quite liked people in the house to chat to, so we called them the cleaner which was a role they were used to. Once in, they would then help way beyond cleaning.

You can also try the move direct approach of literally saying what you have here - dad, we love you, and the choice is yours - accept the help available (paid carers, the council) or go into a nursing home. Which would YOU prefer? Point out that if he delays hints then it will almost certainly result in a nursing home simple because it’ll all be an emergency. If it is very important to him to stay in his own home he should accept this. But, sometimes not. Sometimes people sadly do need a couple of admissions before they come to terms with reality but they usually do over time. It can also help when it’s coming from a professional like nurse or social worker- you can find the reaction is quite different.