One crisis after another

Yep, you can have no kids, work 30 hours a week and this can drive you to the edge of sanity (ask me how I know).

This with bells on. We don’t know your circumstances but even so what you’re doing is too much, and you mustn’t neglect your physical and mental wellbeing
I’m considering help now, like a previous poster I probably need tablets / therapy for what I went through. Don’t be like me.

Do you have kids? Husband? They must be feeling pretty neglected and worried about you if so.
You can’t carry on with this level of stress, its not like you live super close either.
This is an ideal opportunity while he’s in hospital to step back, either delegating to paid cleaner/carers/homehelp or seeing what the hospital or social workers suggest.
What would happen if you got squashed by a bus this afternoon? Things would be put in place and the world would keep turning. You mustn’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! You’ll be the next one having a heart attack if you’re not careful.

Medical advances of the last 50 yrs or so are great, but this is the consequences, very ill people living on needing a great deal of outside help to maintain the illusion of “independence”
In your situation I’d be pushing for a nursing home, he may not like the idea but he’s sacrificing your life for his…No way would I want that for my kids.
Your brothers got the right idea, live far away and be busy!

I lived that level of hyper vigilance for about 6 months last year any it nearly broke me.
From lurking on this board before DMs hospitalisation I was well prepped to be clear and firm with discharge people, social care etc about what I could and couldn't do. It feels extremely hard and a bit callous, but it really is best in the long run.

No more advice to add other than offer my support. What a fantastic daughter you are. I was my parent's carer until the inevitable happened and I can empathise - I had similar.

I cared for my very elderly parents over a 10 year period, starting with my dad and then my mum who rapidly declined after his death.

During this time there were multiple medical appointments (often at completely unsuitable times for an elderly person) emergency hospital admissions (A&E late on a Friday night is not fun) along with continuous mini everyday dramas (meds, food etc, carers late because of an understandable emergency)

They had the carers, a cleaner etc but these things don't really alleviate the intease worry. For example on Halloween I would have to stay in case they opened the door to someone unsuitable. That was a huge concern.

As time progressed I was more and more on edge. Everytime the phone rang I completely panicked. We had friends who routinely called us at 10pm and that did my head in. In effect my tolerance to anything remotely out of the ordinarily was gone.

After they died it didnt really get any better. I did two things, I went on a mild dose of citalopram and I went to a weekly meditation session. With hindsight I should have done both of these things whilst they were still with me. I would also now install a Ring doorbell and cameras in the house in common areas (with their permission) to keep an eye on them. This was not an option at the time.

I would do it all again. There were some great times in between, and I miss them everyday.

please don’t take this the wrong way, but does he want all of this active treatment necessitating repeated admissions? If not he can talk with his drs about a ceiling of care and make advance decisions.
This OP. Rushing into hospital to patch up things which are never fully reversible and lead to further decline is not the only option.

There is just not enough sheltered accommodation. A relative of mine had a stroke still in his 50’s and in discharge from hospital was able to move straight into a warden controlled flat at a normal local authority level rent. Now, these types of accommodation don’t exist and people lose independence unnecessarily going into hugely expensive residential care. You have too much on your plate OP and 40 mins from you is too far. It’s good he already has the carers coming in.

Oh love I feel so sorry for you and your dad. I could have written this post two years ago when I, an only one in my late 60 was caring for my mum.
I’ve always said the worst part was the anticipation of the dreaded phone calls, then of course the endless trips to A & E people looked at me with disbelief when I used to say I suffer from PTSD
but it’s no joke. Mum has passed away now, but I still can’t think about hospitals without feeling sick.
The last time my mum was admitted aged 92 I promised myself I wouldn’t let her home, her house was very unsafe for her anyway. I battled with the social worker for weeks, I didn’t have POA but eventually the SW agreed a care home was the best option. It was the SW decision in the end not mine which helped.
Please get in touch with them again. Tell them you can’t continue, and that he’s unsafe living alone, there’s things they can put in place, you don’t have to carry on with this alone. Best of luck to you both.

You must be shattered. This might sound harsh, but you need to do less, or you'll get to the point where you can do nothing.
I'm not saying ignore phone calls or stop dealing with emergencies. But you need to knock the extra cleaning on the head, and do a bit less visiting if he's in hospital for long periods.
It's hard when you're the only support for someone but this really isn't a one person job.

I’m so sorry you are facing this.

Id up him to a twice weekly cleaner - anything to reduce the burden on you even slightly.

Age UK might have options for shopping support.

Another vote for extra care housing. It is extremely expensive but so is every other option and it might give you a little bit of respite. There’s an extra care place in Banbury I know that I would move in to tomorrow.

I second 'extra care housing' if there is one nearby. Are you in same county as him. Would be consider being housed closer to you? Extra care will often have 24 hour live in care and sometimes communal meals etc. It is a good option between home and full time care. It is tricky as he is having genuine medical emergencies most admissions, not just admitted with a fall or inability to cope, so it sounds like when he is not poorly, he does still manage with his package of care.
I also think you should just explain to him, next admission, that it is exhausting you to come daily and you will phone him instead in between visits. You can contact hospital chaplaincy to visit him if friends cannot fill the gap.
Also see if you have a local Carers Support/ Care for Carers organisation that you can refer yourself to. It might just help to have that emotional support and advice for you.

I am sorry OP, that sounds really hard and unfortunately that jittery response to every phone call, yup I get it too, don’t suppose I will stop getting it until the inevitable happens.

You said there were other family members but not nearby so it all falls to you - is this other siblings? Can they come up to take off some of the strain - even for example stay at yours for a week whilst you go on holiday and they become the first responder?

Does it matter if the house gets a little untidy in between the cleaners visits ?

Also whilst your DF was in hospital could you have cut down your visits to every 2-3 days - an 80 minute drive each evening on top of the visits and presumably working during the day doesn’t sound sustainable over a long period.

I know you want to help your DF but you must take care of yourself. Whilst he is in hospital he is getting all the medical care he needs and regular meals, so honestly I would try to pull back a little bit.

As he is now in hospital again, he should be eligible now for reablement care. This is interim residential care to get you back to being able to live independently, for up to six weeks. It's free. Tell the ward team this is what you want - it's not forever but it gives him some time to recover under supervision and you a break.

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-after-illness-or-hospital-discharge-reablement/

It talks about regaining abilities but that's very much dependent on the individual. My mum got it as she was in that in between stage of wanting to leave hospital but not yet able to manage at home.

My mum has just gone into a nursing home, she was absolutely against it until about two months ago when she was so unwell she wasn’t expected to live . I wish she had agreed to go in earlier , it’s not full of people with dementia and the daily activities and constant companionship is great . Just make sure to do your research and look at reports etc. it’s been harder for me to adapt not going to my mum’s home daily as I was her carer but now after a week of her being there the relief of knowing she cared for 24/7 is amazing.

Nursing care isn't the same as dementia care. It's for people with medical needs. Care homes will often specialise in dementia care and have different areas or floors for people but different stages. I'd have to say he sounds health wise like care would be useful for him. He's at maximum carer visits and a residential placement would cover what they do and also what you do. There would be company around too. I would be talking to social services to say the four daily visits is not enough. Because it's not if he's being hospitalised or calling on you this often.

What about extra care with a domiciliary care package? I think your dad would be a suitable candidate for this. Sounds absolutely exhausting OP, I can empathise slightly after living a small part of this with my dad.

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this and I totally sympathise.
My DF is very poorly and it’s exhausting managing things . DM has been in a care home for more than 3 years and while she’s being cared for , I get constant calls from them with this emergency or that emergency with transfer to hospital.etc
Or “ she is unlikely to last the night you better get here“
( 4 times in the last 6 months alone I’ve had to make emergency plans to rush back home from overseas business trips because it was her time )
last one being Monday afternoon and she’s rallied again … total stress …

Your friend has summed it nicely re trauma response …. I think that’s what was wrong with me earlier this evening … so unsettled and restless and weepy ..

apologies , I don’t want to make this about me but wanted to let you know you’re not alone ..

not sure what to do ..
I am thinking of getting my father to a sheltered place with support or similar as I can’t afford not to work …
my friends think if I don’t act and carry on then I am at risk of burnout ….

take care

Maybe it's time to think about a nursing home then. 🙁It will at least ensure he's never alone.

Do the shopping online, get attendance allowance and pay for a cleaner