One crisis after another

endofalongday · 2026-01-07T22:20:56+00:00

I oversee the care for my elderly dad and for the past year (minimum) it’s just been one medical crisis after another. Tonight I’m just exhausted and I think my friend is right when she says I’ve developed a sort of trauma response. I’m always jittery or jumpy and if the phone rings at an unusual time, I leap on it. I feel totally stuck and wonder if this is common with ageing parents and caregiving? For most of his adult life, my dad has had significant health problems (mostly heart) and even as a teenager I remember repeated visits to hospital. In the last 10-15 years he’s had 4 heart attacks, open heart surgery, cancer and now he’s got severe mobility issues and osteoarthritis. I’m 40 mins away from him but I’m the only family member nearby so every last bit of it falls to me. In Aug he had a hip replacement and that required a 4 week rehab hospital stay so every night for a month I was up and down the motorway visiting. He got out and within 2 weeks had a really bad fall so a late night call had me zooming up to meet him and the paramedics en route to hospital. One month later he was admitted as an emergency with pericarditis and after a month in hospital, he was only home 4 days before he was admitted with a bowel obstruction. No joke but he was released last Friday and then in the early hours of this morning I got a frantic call and had to ring for an ambulance. Huge emergency and turns out he’s had a heart attack. It’s not just these 4 months but it just seems to have been this way for years. No idea why I’m posting really just to say I feel permanently on edge and as though I’m planning around ‘the next big thing’. Is this just old age for him and the way it goes? Is there a way I can stop being so ‘hyper vigilant’ all the time?

Original poster

endofalongday · 09/01/2026 08:40

farmlass · 09/01/2026 08:16

This will sound hard but am going through the same . If not life threatening I look at hospital stays as a chance to not have to do daily visits . They are having full care and if needed a phone call to staff or parent is fine .
Obviously if end of life etc then not the same .
BUT I feel I have done more than needed over years for ungrateful parents and if I’m not there at the end so be it .
Sounds awful but feel what I’ve done over the years is the important part.

Yes, I’m realising that. I’ve finally asked for local help from his church and they have very kindly put a visiting rota together. He’ll have someone popping in every day next week and then I can be available on the phone and will then visit at the weekend. I’ve also just registered for my first therapy session with an online therapy platform. I’m reading everyone’s posts here and realising that while I can’t fix the situation, I can do things to make it easier on me emotionally.

OP posts:

farmlass · 09/01/2026 08:16

This will sound hard but am going through the same . If not life threatening I look at hospital stays as a chance to not have to do daily visits . They are having full care and if needed a phone call to staff or parent is fine .
Obviously if end of life etc then not the same .
BUT I feel I have done more than needed over years for ungrateful parents and if I’m not there at the end so be it .
Sounds awful but feel what I’ve done over the years is the important part.

thedevilinablackdress · 09/01/2026 08:08

Humanswarm · 09/01/2026 07:05

Ah bless you, I can sympathise as am in the same situation. My DF has been in hospital this time since the start of Decemeber prior to that he spent a few months in a care home which I had imagined would reduce some of the staring on me, but ai was wrong. The phone calls didn't stop they were just from the care home or the social worker or his dementia team. Whilst he's been in hospital, I'm still on high alert. And it doesn't matter how many others are 'caring for him now, I still go daily as he needs me. I have to advocate for him, even whilst in hospital. I'm exhausted, upset, grieving. But cannot drop the ropes. I don't have an answer for you as regardless of practical help the emotional load does not disappear. I just face each day as it comes. Sending hugs and solidarity!

I know it's hard, but you need to think about doing less. Before you collapse, burn out or end up ill yourself and then you won't be able to do anything.

Original poster

endofalongday · 09/01/2026 07:27

Thank you everyone. It really helps to know others have gone through this. He’s had reenablement care once before but honestly, it was horrendous. It’s this horrible, dingy former hospital building and has a poor reputation locally. It was a mixed ward with younger/older people and he was next to a young man with mental health problems who kept yelling abuse at everyone. The site itself is due to be pulled down but right now they’re still sending people there. I’m open to other possibilities but it needs to be comfortable and clean. I won’t abandon him to whatever dreary situation the council thinks is suitable.

I imagine he’ll be in hosp for a while now and that will give me a break. When he’s reassessed, I’ll emphasise how much his needs have changed and I’ll see where we get to. I’ve also just signed up for Better Health and going to try and take a few sessions to address my ongoing ‘hyper vigilance’. I can’t live in constant fight or flight.

OP posts:

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 09/01/2026 07:13

Holesintheground · 07/01/2026 23:06

As he is now in hospital again, he should be eligible now for reablement care. This is interim residential care to get you back to being able to live independently, for up to six weeks. It's free. Tell the ward team this is what you want - it's not forever but it gives him some time to recover under supervision and you a break.

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-after-illness-or-hospital-discharge-reablement/

It talks about regaining abilities but that's very much dependent on the individual. My mum got it as she was in that in between stage of wanting to leave hospital but not yet able to manage at home.

100% this….weve just been through this process with my dad…he has been assessed by OT,s physios etc and they have decided a Care Home for him which both him and I are pleased and relieved about….i 100% feel your pain…. Looking after my lovely dad for the last several years has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…..I would ask for…and take….any care for your dad you can….and the first 6 weeks of “ Respite Rehab” are free for you…good luck my love, his is beyond shit for you xx

Humanswarm · 09/01/2026 07:05

Ah bless you, I can sympathise as am in the same situation. My DF has been in hospital this time since the start of Decemeber prior to that he spent a few months in a care home which I had imagined would reduce some of the staring on me, but ai was wrong. The phone calls didn't stop they were just from the care home or the social worker or his dementia team. Whilst he's been in hospital, I'm still on high alert. And it doesn't matter how many others are 'caring for him now, I still go daily as he needs me. I have to advocate for him, even whilst in hospital. I'm exhausted, upset, grieving. But cannot drop the ropes. I don't have an answer for you as regardless of practical help the emotional load does not disappear. I just face each day as it comes. Sending hugs and solidarity!

katgab · 09/01/2026 06:53

I had similar with my late mum who finally had multiple health conditions. She lived alone (very close to me) until aged 93. The last few years of that time were truly awful. She had a tiny amount of carer support as she believed she didn’t need more. I practically lived there though, being there several times a day. I also have a husband and 2 teens. At her age I was her only family left and she had 1 friend who visited occasionally. She certainly had cognitive decline if not dementia though not diagnosed. After a dire few days she was admitted to hospital with breathing difficulties, it was the 5th ambulance call out in 24 hours and I had the gp on at me for this, she just refused hospital until she was more or less forced to it. When recovered she did accept a care home (the residents were not living with dementia on her wing), the drs could not recommend her living alone any more, she would not move in with me and, realistically, it would have been a disaster pretty quickly. That was a massive relief although she was still very difficult but somehow I didn’t feel so responsible. When she was still at home I dreaded the phone ringing (which would happen repeatedly), I called it an instrument of torture. I can absolutely relate to the bone crushing exhaustion, the constant stress and anxiety, the absolute trauma of it. I remember crying when the gp phoned me about the ambulance call outs, asking what was I supposed to do. I was so close to collapse, in those last days while she was still at home I nearly crashed the car as she repeatedly phoned me (mobile, didn’t answer). Once she moved into care, rightly or wrongly, I had to back off as it was making me ill, mentally and physically. Those last few years were awful. She was deemed to have capacity to the end though I don’t think she realised the impact the set up was having on me, that finally I was struggling.

I just wanted to say I totally sympathise but it’s impossible to carry on like that. My mum died a few months ago, aged 95, having spent about 18 months in the care home, where she was properly cared for and had access to all her needs being met, we visited as often as possible and I was able to support my children through GCSE’s and a levels (1 doing each set this summer). The anxiety about her was still there, I still cried about it a lot but not to the same extent as when she lived close to me. It was a relief to know she was safe and properly looked after with access to support when needed. I’m still not completely recovered from those last few years caring for her.

AlbertaAsij · 08/01/2026 23:08

I've had this with my father in the last 1.5 years of his life and with my mother for the last 5 years.Just back from a holiday where once again she was admitted to hospital.Every single time I have gone away in the last number of years something has arisen with one or other parent.

I am an only, so it all falls to me and I totally get the PTSD, especially regarding the calls.Hard as it may be you do need to take a step back for your own health.

My mother is mentally with it but in the end she had to reluctantly agree to go to a care home earlier this year after repeated hospitalisations.If your dad knows the burden on you he may similarly agree.Are you sure he's aware of the massive strain on you?

Mind yourself x

Supersimkin7 · 08/01/2026 21:55

Wants don’t trump needs, and you need your health more than DF wants care at home.

End of life is the best ever emotional pressure any of us get, but just remember a) blackmail benefits no one b) it’s not the end.

Last and very much not least, a lot of people really enjoy care homes these days.

Both DGP were sharp as tacks and lived out their last years in peaceful, companionable relaxation at the local care facility, which they certainly wouldn’t have got home alone.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 08/01/2026 20:20

user665178392470 · 08/01/2026 09:22

Do you have kids? Husband? They must be feeling pretty neglected and worried about you if so.
You can’t carry on with this level of stress, its not like you live super close either.
This is an ideal opportunity while he’s in hospital to step back, either delegating to paid cleaner/carers/homehelp or seeing what the hospital or social workers suggest.
What would happen if you got squashed by a bus this afternoon? Things would be put in place and the world would keep turning. You mustn’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! You’ll be the next one having a heart attack if you’re not careful.

Medical advances of the last 50 yrs or so are great, but this is the consequences, very ill people living on needing a great deal of outside help to maintain the illusion of “independence”
In your situation I’d be pushing for a nursing home, he may not like the idea but he’s sacrificing your life for his…No way would I want that for my kids.
Your brothers got the right idea, live far away and be busy!

This.
Of course residential care is a last resort for them OP, they go with what’s cheapest.
The wants of someone at the end of life do not trump those of others in the prime of theirs. I hope I don’t do this to my children.

WanderleyWagon · 08/01/2026 20:17

I've had some experience of what you've been through, though not so severe. In my experience, carers tend to keep offering to carry more of the load than they are really able to shoulder because of feelings of love, but also guilt, obligation etc. and so the burnout doesn't really ease.

Therapy has really helped me with reframing things and it sounds as though you might also find it very helpful. Travelling every day to hospital is taking too much on yourself and your own health and wellbeing is clearly suffering.

If you haven't already, I'd recommend letting social services know that you can't do any routine support of any kind - no cleaning, no shopping etc. - and have to withdraw almost totally for the sake of your own health. I'd use language like 'carer breakdown' to get across how serious this is.

With a bit of luck, it's possible to outsource most life admin, through something like an hourly paid PA (my dad has one, who I use as a sort of proxy to do the phone calls, form-filling etc that I can't manage any more, and it had made an amazing difference). There's still plenty of stuff to do on and off, but the fact of not having the day-to-day stuff to deal with has meant that I have more bandwidth.

I am glad your dad is feeling a bit better. I hope you get enough support to start to feel well again yourself.

Roselily123 · 08/01/2026 19:47

My father and grandmother were both sharp as a tack - right up to the very end.
Both ended up in care homes. Both prone to falls.

Original poster

endofalongday · 08/01/2026 19:08

Saw him tonight and he’s a little stronger - amazing since he nearly died yesterday. Had a good call with social services and they will reassess him and take into account my inability to care for him and do all the heavy lifting. They say there is more help we can access and that residential care is a last resort, especially for someone with full cognition. If I can get more practical support, it will certainly help.

OP posts:

Supersimkin7 · 08/01/2026 18:56

Misery. Decline and falls last decades now - how do you sustain a state of emergency for that long?

You don’t. You’ll get iller and probably sacked to boot.

DF wouldn’t want you to ruin your life any longer.

You won’t believe this cos you’re so wired from trauma but setting yourself on fire won’t put him out.

It’s agony but it’s time to detach. This could go on for years (it’s already been too long) and whatever you do he’s going to die.

You must be hoping for that already, which is a revolting position to put you in but that’s what society’s done. Call SS and be firm about residential care. DF doesn’t call the shots and neither should they.

suburberphobe · 08/01/2026 18:21

I feel for you OP.

Had the same and I lived abroad as a single mum.

Original poster

endofalongday · 08/01/2026 14:08

TallulahBetty · 08/01/2026 13:57

Care home asap. Do you have POA? Look at getting that if he still has capacity.

Alas, it’s not really that straightforward. He absolutely doesn’t want nursing care and as he has capacity, I can’t (and wouldn’t) override that. The only nursing care facility I know of in his area is really not nice and his expressed desire is to stay in his home but with support. I’ve offered support for the last 5 years since my mum died but it was mostly ok. We had a nice system in place and he managed really well. It’s just the last year that things have taken a big turn but I’ve soldiered on thinking each hospital admission would be ‘the last one’. Hasn’t been the case at all of course.

I’ve called the Complex Care team in his borough and am waiting for someone to call me back. I’ve asked for him to be reassessed so we can get some enhanced support for him. I do also wonder if they can pull some strings on supported housing. I might be being naive but I’ll ask. The main thing is, I know that yesterday I hit my rock bottom and something has to change.

OP posts:

TallulahBetty · 08/01/2026 13:57

Care home asap. Do you have POA? Look at getting that if he still has capacity.

momahoho1 · 08/01/2026 13:22

There are nursing homes that are not for dementia care, that should be an option if you can locate one. We have a lovely place opposite my work, top floor is for dementia, middle floor is nursing care but not dementia and they take them out/arrange activities etc and bottom floor is residential and the residents are free to come and go, some of the bottom floor have partners elsewhere in the building, others just are lonely and prefer communal living. I run activities at my work and get lots of participation from the home, they even brought their dementia patients to the short carol service. It’s about finding the right setting, for your sake op!

rookiemere · 08/01/2026 13:16

I am so glad you are putting additional support measures in place for your DF to reduce the burden on you.

I have two friends both single, one with a DC, who have subsumed their lives to support elderly DPs and that’s great if that’s the level of support they want to give, but they do not live their own lives any more. In my case DH put his foot down and now he has finished work he has started to do some of the visits himself and if it becomes unmanageable he will support me in encouraging them to go into a home ( self funding). It’s harder if you haven’t got a voice at your side supporting you, so please keep posting here as we all want to help.

Original poster

endofalongday · 08/01/2026 12:56

PermanentTemporary · 08/01/2026 12:23

That’s great news about the rota of other visitors.

However - I wouldn’t agree to be on the WhatsApp group/email thread for that, if any. You can imagine - endless messages of the ‘I will try to go to see him on Saturday but may not be able to this week because my dog isn’t well’ followed by a surge of ‘sorry to hear about your dog, what’s wrong?’ ‘ my dog died a year ago and I still miss him every day’ type, and you still don’t know if anyone is actually going or not. If one person would agree just to let you know when visits are planned, meaning that you can potentially skip those days, and field updates from the visitors to give you a summary, that’s well worth asking for.

Ha, neither would I. No, one person is going to ask all the people who know my dad and their availability and then just put a list together.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 08/01/2026 12:23

That’s great news about the rota of other visitors.

However - I wouldn’t agree to be on the WhatsApp group/email thread for that, if any. You can imagine - endless messages of the ‘I will try to go to see him on Saturday but may not be able to this week because my dog isn’t well’ followed by a surge of ‘sorry to hear about your dog, what’s wrong?’ ‘ my dog died a year ago and I still miss him every day’ type, and you still don’t know if anyone is actually going or not. If one person would agree just to let you know when visits are planned, meaning that you can potentially skip those days, and field updates from the visitors to give you a summary, that’s well worth asking for.

DierdreDaphne · 08/01/2026 12:12

Glad he's got it, it's a great service. You really don't need to be rushing over every time / visit every day/ phone 5 times daily though. I know it's hard but you really must pace yourself.

Original poster

endofalongday · 08/01/2026 11:16

DierdreDaphne · 08/01/2026 10:26

Your dad needs an alarm pendant -and a key safe -so he can get an ambulance out first. The call centre will then call you. Or a neighbour.

My Mum is a similar age and has 'incidents' - but neither of us dcs is close enough to visit every day etc, even if she is in hospital.

But her call alarm has brought neighbours round to hers to just pick her up off the floor, or to wait with her for the ambulance. The service is invaluable and your ER has someone talking to them immediately and tight through till someone comes to ERs aid.

Thanks and yes, he has that. He wears the bracelet and it connects through to the response service. Obviously the other night he wasn’t thinking straight so just rang me. I obviously don’t mind but then I had to hang up and ring for an ambulance. Was very thankful that a lovely friend nearby also answered her phone and rushed round too. She then kept me updated as I was en route.

But in the past when he’s had falls or minor issues, he’s called Lifeline first and then they ring me. The crew is usually there in under 10 minutes.

OP posts:

DierdreDaphne · 08/01/2026 10:29

endofalongday · 08/01/2026 09:02

Thank you so much for all your replies. It’s helpful to know that these feelings are normal. I have lovely friends who really rallied round yesterday (especially when it looked like he wasn’t going to make it) and that helped. My brother lives 200 miles away but he is coming up tomorrow. There isn’t much he can do as he’s very stretched himself with multiple responsibilities.

I know dad wouldn’t consider any kind of nursing care. He’s been in post hospital rehab (housed in his nearest nursing home) twice and it was pretty grim. Dad has never worked full time due to a lifetime of heart issues but he’s very well-read and mentally very sharp. He gets very frustrated by people talking to him like he’s ‘a doddery old man’. I keep reminding him he looks like one (we have a dark sense of humour!! 😊) and if they do, he should challenge it. But on the few times he’s been in rehab care, he was utterly miserable. He doesn’t have private funds so is reliant on state support.

However, in one bright spot I did learn yesterday that he will be likely be elligible for more support at home, including someone to do the shopping, cleaning etc. If there’s a family member available to do all this, it’s not offered but if I tell them I just can’t shoulder it any more, he’ll be re-assessed.

For me, it’s less about the practical stuff but more about the immense emotional load. I’ve made a rod for my own back by always being instantly available but because of the ‘hyper villigance’ and the feeling of ‘what’s wrong now’, I always immediately answer the phone or texts. We probably speak or text 4 or 5 times a day. I probably need to have a few sessions of therapy to help me manage this better.

I think you do need to take on far less. You must be negleting yourself, and presumably many other responsibilities. Which is wrong of you, bluntly. Hard though it is you have to find a way to respond more proportionately

DierdreDaphne · 08/01/2026 10:26

Your dad needs an alarm pendant -and a key safe -so he can get an ambulance out first. The call centre will then call you. Or a neighbour.

My Mum is a similar age and has 'incidents' - but neither of us dcs is close enough to visit every day etc, even if she is in hospital.

But her call alarm has brought neighbours round to hers to just pick her up off the floor, or to wait with her for the ambulance. The service is invaluable and your ER has someone talking to them immediately and tight through till someone comes to ERs aid.