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Original poster

88yr old DM with Dememtia wanting to leave carehome to go home as being pushed by my Dad - what can I do?

88 replies

Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 14:54

DM is 88, has vascular dementia, I'd say middle stage. V bad osteoporosis and mobility, incontinent and very confused. My Dad was looking after her at home for 3 years with one carer visit a day but it was going terribly, she had a lot of falls and A&E dashes... his health was declining too as getting no sleep and struggled with household tasks he'd never had to do before. He clearly couldn't cope but refused any more help from carers or anything I set up - day care / lunch clubs / meals on wheels etc etc.

Start of 2025 she went into a lovely care home for respite care - although I thought this would be long term as it was clear she needed this level of care. She is very happy there, well looked after and thriving doiing the activities compared with being stuck in one room all day at home. My Dad had some health crisis and ended up in hospital for a few months so DM has stayed until now.

However my Dad is now home and "better" and is desperate to get DM home. He could not cope in any way and she is so much better off where she is. I'm terrified what would happen if she went home. It's all about what Dad wants - he is lonely and feels abandoned by DM and as she hasn't lived at home for a year is totally ignorant of her care needs and seemd to have totally forgotton the state they were both in when she lived at home.

My Dad is about to give notice to the home for DM to leave. She has been appointed a social worker but is telling her she wants to go home so the social worker is supporting this. DM has no idea what's involved or any concept of how to cope at home... I don't even think it's what she actually wants. My Dad goes into the care home 3 times a day and tells her she's coming home so this is what she's telling people. I'm at my wits end, trying to explain to social worker the disatster that would unfold but they are saying they have to support DMs choice.

I'm trying not to drip feed but also not make this too long! I have POA for both financial and health as does my Dad. DM had a DoLs assesment recently when they said she lacked capacity (the care home say she lacks capacity) but then it was reveiwed at the last minute and they changed their mind and didn't sign it so there is no DoLs in place which I cannot understand as she clearly has no idea what is going on.

What can I do to keep DM safe / in the home?

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:18

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2026 21:15

Yes at 87 my mum was desperate to go home from her first care home (which was totally unsuitable for her). When I asked about it she described her home in Glasgow. She left Glasgow in 1946.

Is there any option for your dad to move into the care home with her?

He's never go into a care home, he's convinced he's still in his 50s

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:16

SleafordSods · 05/01/2026 21:13

Asking to go home is also pretty normal for anyone with Dementia in a Care Home. My own DMIL asked regularly and spoke with conviction about wheb she was going and how she woukd get there.

A bit of time talking with her revealed though tgat she had forgotten her home of the last 50 years and she thought she lived at home with her own DPs who had both been dead for over 30 years.

Usually it’s the sense of comfort that most people have at home that they are searching for.

If your F is planning for the future financially, do you think that part of wanting her home is so that they no longer pay for care?

My DFIL was alao upset that his fulltime maid and cook was mo longer available. He wanted her back at home but not as she was, what he wanted was the wife who had done everything for him every day of their married life.

This exactly. He wants his 58 year old wife not the demented 88 year old version and he regularly tells her she's not up to scratch

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2026 21:15

Yes at 87 my mum was desperate to go home from her first care home (which was totally unsuitable for her). When I asked about it she described her home in Glasgow. She left Glasgow in 1946.

Is there any option for your dad to move into the care home with her?

Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:15

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2026 21:10

As you know, a DOLS would only be appropriate if your DM does not have mental capacity to decide where to live, hence why I would say that establishing her current capacity for that question is the first step.

Does she have periods where she’s up and attempting to leave the home/trying doors etc, or is this more about what she says and in fact she doesn’t attempt to leave?

She never attempts to leave and is very happy there, talking about the crafts she's doing, her fave nurse etc etc. she loves getting fussed over, having her hair and nails done etc. But my Dad says she will be coming home and when asked she says she will be going home. Think she still feels she has to do what dad says and support him which is so sad

OP posts:
SleafordSods · 05/01/2026 21:13

Asking to go home is also pretty normal for anyone with Dementia in a Care Home. My own DMIL asked regularly and spoke with conviction about wheb she was going and how she woukd get there.

A bit of time talking with her revealed though tgat she had forgotten her home of the last 50 years and she thought she lived at home with her own DPs who had both been dead for over 30 years.

Usually it’s the sense of comfort that most people have at home that they are searching for.

If your F is planning for the future financially, do you think that part of wanting her home is so that they no longer pay for care?

My DFIL was alao upset that his fulltime maid and cook was mo longer available. He wanted her back at home but not as she was, what he wanted was the wife who had done everything for him every day of their married life.

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2026 21:12

It could still be in her best interests to be at home even if she doesn’t have capacity to make that decision. (Obviously I don’t think that sounds at all likely, but mentally it’s good to remain open to all the possibilities at each stage as it helps to work through them in order).

PermanentTemporary · 05/01/2026 21:10

As you know, a DOLS would only be appropriate if your DM does not have mental capacity to decide where to live, hence why I would say that establishing her current capacity for that question is the first step.

Does she have periods where she’s up and attempting to leave the home/trying doors etc, or is this more about what she says and in fact she doesn’t attempt to leave?

Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:05

EdgeOfThirtySeven · 05/01/2026 20:57

How about she visits her old home for, say, three days? So you don't give up her care home room, and she and your DF have to face the care issues and how she feels actually being there.

Show quote history

Yes, have considered this but think he could put on a good act for 3 days... have food in, no medical appts, lack of sleep don't have hit. Then the actual long term reality v different. But appreciate as a last resort it could knock a bit of reality into him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:03

Choux · 05/01/2026 19:25

What does your dad do practically for your DM on his three visits a day? Does he help her moved from chair to table or bed to chair? Does he help feed her? Help her use the toilet or change her? If he really wants her home he should be demonstrating his ability to do these things between carer visits so social services can be sure she is safe.

if he isn’t doing these things then does he understand that they will be needed between carer visits? If you can get him to see (and demonstrate to social workers) that he cannot manage what getting her home would entail then he might stop pushing for her to come home and the social worker might realise that they cannot allow it.

No, he does none of these. Does eat lunch there, mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:02

Christmaspatio · 05/01/2026 17:26

As pp said capacity is judged for this particular decision, and is judged in 4 parts, so maybe use this as a framework for writing to social worker
‘a four-part functional test: understanding, retaining, weighing information, and communicating the decision, all at the time it's needed, with support provided to help the person decide’.

Seems like she might not be capable of understanding the support she needs, and retaining for example a memory of what her life was like before the care home, ‘. I found my mum’s care manager had a sketchy understanding of DOLs and was over cautious, much as she was lovely, caring and hardworking otherwise.

. I would also have email or conversation with care home manager/carers who know your mum to explain what’s happened before and why you would like their support if they feel able to give it in the assessment of her capacity for this. Not easy but it sounds like you are acting in your mum’s best interests so I’d keep stating that.

This is v useful - didn't know how it was decided. She doesn't have a memory of what life was like before or how much help she actually needs - eg they would eat lunch at 5pm as it took her that long to prepare it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 21:00

SleafordSods · 05/01/2026 19:20

If he is short tempered and abusive I would email the SW with examples and raise it as a Safeguarding concern.

Do you know why your F wants her home? Is it joint money that’s paying for her care? Could it be through loneliness or guilt or has he simply forgotten how hard it was before and how much support you were providing?

You definitely do need to out in your email that there is no kindly neighbour to cover for your D when he has medical appointments and you cannot be with your DM as you work.

Edited

My Dad is lonely at home - he has no "audience" - my DM was that for him, she never had a job, hobbies, friends, a driving licence or mobile phone so was just at his beck and call. He is also in denial about getting older in general (he's 86 but financial planning for next 20 years type thing) so refuses to accept the dementia diagnosis, speaks to Drs who can "reverse" dememtia and that's what he's going to do. None of which actually helps DM

OP posts:
EdgeOfThirtySeven · 05/01/2026 20:57

Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 20:56

She says she is going home as my Dad keeps telling her this - I'm not sure she'd mention it otherwise. She has been home a few times for an hour here and there and always says she doesn't like it, house feels strange etc

Show quote history

How about she visits her old home for, say, three days? So you don't give up her care home room, and she and your DF have to face the care issues and how she feels actually being there.

Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 20:57

Madformaltesers · 05/01/2026 18:54

Request the care home convene a best interest meeting involving yourself/father etc so concerns can be raised by all and discussed. also ask to see the Dols assessment and who reviewed it, removed the Dols and why. Ask the home put in for another assessment particularly as they feel she lacks capacity.
Who is currently funding the care as ultimately they will be the decision maker

DM is funding care from her savings

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondtonaan · 05/01/2026 20:56

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 05/01/2026 17:20

I would also write to the social worker, in the email about the mental capacity assessment and best interests meeting, what views if any DM has expressed to you about where she lives now; or going home? It’s well known that people with dementia find moving unsettling, especially if they are happy and settled where they are - how would unsettling her, be in her best interests?

She says she is going home as my Dad keeps telling her this - I'm not sure she'd mention it otherwise. She has been home a few times for an hour here and there and always says she doesn't like it, house feels strange etc

OP posts:
ThunderFog · 05/01/2026 20:13

Christmaspatio · 05/01/2026 17:26

As pp said capacity is judged for this particular decision, and is judged in 4 parts, so maybe use this as a framework for writing to social worker
‘a four-part functional test: understanding, retaining, weighing information, and communicating the decision, all at the time it's needed, with support provided to help the person decide’.

Seems like she might not be capable of understanding the support she needs, and retaining for example a memory of what her life was like before the care home, ‘. I found my mum’s care manager had a sketchy understanding of DOLs and was over cautious, much as she was lovely, caring and hardworking otherwise.

. I would also have email or conversation with care home manager/carers who know your mum to explain what’s happened before and why you would like their support if they feel able to give it in the assessment of her capacity for this. Not easy but it sounds like you are acting in your mum’s best interests so I’d keep stating that.

Thankyou for this post - it's just what I need for Elderly Relative who wants to move care home. He imagines that in another place he will be able to walk, breathe easily, and sleep well, all sadly not coming back.

TonTonMacoute · 05/01/2026 19:43

Agree that the SW is who you have to work on. Convince her that her life will be considerably harder if she enables this.

Be very clear and extremely firm. Make sure you put in writing that DM clearly does not have capacity.

She is very happy where she is.

Insist on a home visit to your parents's house and a full care package, making it clear that you can not guarantee that you will be able to cover any emergency, and that you will be calling an ambulance every time something goes wrong.

We had exactly the same scenario with my parents btw, there was a meeting between us, adult social care and the boss of the care company who had been providing in home care for several years. I cannot remember how it was phrased but they reported that home care was simply not possible and luckily me DF accepted this. He was extremely depressed for some months, but in the end it was an ideal outcome and he was fine with it.

EdgeOfThirtySeven · 05/01/2026 19:27

Choux · 05/01/2026 19:25

What does your dad do practically for your DM on his three visits a day? Does he help her moved from chair to table or bed to chair? Does he help feed her? Help her use the toilet or change her? If he really wants her home he should be demonstrating his ability to do these things between carer visits so social services can be sure she is safe.

if he isn’t doing these things then does he understand that they will be needed between carer visits? If you can get him to see (and demonstrate to social workers) that he cannot manage what getting her home would entail then he might stop pushing for her to come home and the social worker might realise that they cannot allow it.

and the social worker might realise that they cannot allow it.

There is no DOLS. OP's mother is not under a Section. It is not up to the SW to "allow" it or not. (Not that they would want to anyway, they're a waste of time IME.)

Choux · 05/01/2026 19:25

What does your dad do practically for your DM on his three visits a day? Does he help her moved from chair to table or bed to chair? Does he help feed her? Help her use the toilet or change her? If he really wants her home he should be demonstrating his ability to do these things between carer visits so social services can be sure she is safe.

if he isn’t doing these things then does he understand that they will be needed between carer visits? If you can get him to see (and demonstrate to social workers) that he cannot manage what getting her home would entail then he might stop pushing for her to come home and the social worker might realise that they cannot allow it.

EdgeOfThirtySeven · 05/01/2026 19:24

Sorry to sound bleak, but I've been through all this. Twice.

EdgeOfThirtySeven · 05/01/2026 19:24

Without a DOLS, OP's DM cannot be kept in the home if she wants to leave.

SWs won't care that she'll be left alone when OP's DF has occasional doctor's visits.

"Safeguarding" is a joke. That won't make the slightest bit of difference.

OP, you need to prepare for the fact that your DM will soon leave the care home. Gird yourself.

SleafordSods · 05/01/2026 19:20

If he is short tempered and abusive I would email the SW with examples and raise it as a Safeguarding concern.

Do you know why your F wants her home? Is it joint money that’s paying for her care? Could it be through loneliness or guilt or has he simply forgotten how hard it was before and how much support you were providing?

You definitely do need to out in your email that there is no kindly neighbour to cover for your D when he has medical appointments and you cannot be with your DM as you work.

Madformaltesers · 05/01/2026 18:54

Request the care home convene a best interest meeting involving yourself/father etc so concerns can be raised by all and discussed. also ask to see the Dols assessment and who reviewed it, removed the Dols and why. Ask the home put in for another assessment particularly as they feel she lacks capacity.
Who is currently funding the care as ultimately they will be the decision maker

DarkForces · 05/01/2026 18:51

I'd give Age UK a ring. They're brilliant at talking through the process and what to expect.

Devuelta81 · 05/01/2026 18:44

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I agree you have to put all your concerns and the reality of the situation in writing not only to the social worker concerned but to her manager and any legal contact that was involved in the DoL. That you will hold them responsible for any harm that results from this. Who was it that didn't sign the DoL at the last minute?

We have been in a similar situation though it was our family member with Alzheimer's that wanted to go home alone (despite this having failed catastrophically on multiple previous occasions) and the opposition of multiple authorities, psychiatrists, social services etc. One fairly clueless social worker went along with it and ultimately we were forced to allow them to give it (another) try - it went very badly very quickly and they did return them to the care home. We had to be on it constantly pointing out what was happening - it is helpful also to be in contact with the carers and their managers as they will be able to provide accounts of what they've observed and experienced to ss. I hope it doesn't get to that point for you but just don't stop pushing if it does.

TheHillIsMine · 05/01/2026 18:43

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have no advice but all I can say is I work as a carer and one of clients has VD. I see her at teatime for half an hour and then the same amount of time for bedtime and it is becoming harder to get it all done in the thirty minutes I'm given. I just work extra. Twenty minutes is rubbish.