Family travel decision

This, but I’d let C in on the plan so he isn’t quietly worrying about the return journey.

OK, given your update, I would agree with the car there train back plan to A and Mrs A. I would tell C that you'll accompany him on the train if it seems at all problematic. On the return day I would text the As and breezily say 'oh no, trains are being cancelled! Looks like driving back is the only option so I'll just have to do that'.

I'm confused with the A,B,Cs etc - but he's 90 FFS - go and pick him up if you want to. My GF at 89, whilst perfectly compos mentis and unwilling to make a fuss, was frankly not capable of a long train journey on his own and couldn't have coped with a delay etc.

I seem to be going against the grain as far as I’ve read, but B x 1000. Also if B has offered and the passenger has accepted, that’s as far as it needs to go imo.

‘Maintaining independence’ at extreme old age, especially in the winter, does not require that every one-off journey is done in a challenging way, when something simpler is available. Car travel offers more support and more flexibility. To me it’s not even a question.

Before your update, I thought train might be okay, but I now think your plan is good - collect, be prepared to put on train, go with on train, or drive.

The fact that C said he wasn’t sure about the train journey is key. My DGPs travelled long distances (Fife to Devon) by train well into their 90s but had never driven, and went 1st class, so were completely capable of it. If C hasn’t travelled so much by train he may find it more difficult. If 1st class is a possibility I would definitely suggest it.

I think you need to avoid justifying yourself to A. It would be okay to say you feel C is your responsibility for the trip and you want everyone to have peace of mind. You could even flatter A by saying you feel as you don’t know C’s day to day needs/behaviour thoroughly, you wanted to be ultra careful for your own peace of mind. Although in reality C’s wishes are highly important, you and A should avoid discussing that aspect, as you will never agree. You can use the stuck record technique ‘ I have decided we will do x, that is my decision’ or similar.

I would also make sure C returns with a nice gift for A, all washing done, etc which I’m sure you’d do anyway. A sounds difficult but also stressed, so firmness + killing with kindness may be the best approach.

In my family (in-laws) we have a B who suggests A drive C to B’s house! A says no, if you want them to come by car you collect them! A drives them to and from other trips though.

It’s not easy. Good luck.

Hmmm.... it seems that A is for Arsehole!

As a pp has already said, why is this being negotiated by in-laws rather than more direct family members? Is there a reason for that?

And yes, you are absolutely right to offer to drive and also to be pissed off at being dictated to by someone who, on the face of it, is being somewhat irrational. Why insist that anyone (whatever their age and health) must make a long train journey on their own when someone is happy to drive them?!

Your update is worrying in some way. I think A dismisses C’s needs because he doesn’t want to up his careering plus A is basically being an arse and resenting any attention given to C.
My Mum did this in a way when our Dad was unwell she resented me calling and asking about him and what doctor said etc. She was annoyed that I called. She was absolutely fine with me calling and asking about her health.
It didn’t end well because as a result Dad health issues were missed until the complications were too late.

You say that the journey is due to take place around Easter. That is peak time for engineering works and replacement buses etc.

This^ absolutely
My vote goes for driving.
And I wouldn’t ask C tbh.

You're willingly and happily providing respite care. Your FIL should be grateful, not obstructive! What does your DH say about it all, DGFIL's son? Can he argue your case with his dad?

Also FIL insisting DGFIL should return by train if he's fearful is straying into abusive. Situation needs watching.

As an afterthought, I notice these aren’t direct relationships. Where do C’s own children and grandchildren fit in?

Thank you for clarifying OP. I think your plan is a good one. When my parents felt they couldn’t manage the journey back to the UK, my DH flew out and escorted them in both directions.

Modern travel is very much more stressful than it used to be and I’m amazed that anyone in their 90s would contemplate it.

Well thank goodness C has you to look out for him.

C may be difficult, and with the benefit of the doubt, perhaps A has grown resentful of looking after his wife’s father. But as C has already said he doesn’t feel up to the journey, your plan sounds good.

The car. No question.

This situation seems a bit toxic really. C is not going to get any younger and going forward will be less and less able to cope with the train.

Given the state of the railways in this country there is a high likelihood of disruption so if somebody is willing to drive C there and back it seems perverse to try and prevent that. After all A is still going to get a period of respite.

My DF of a similar age had to do a much shorter unaccompanied train journey recently. It went really wrong. The train was cancelled halfway through the journey & they had to get off & wait for the next one.
Luckily other people on the train stepped into to help but DF cannot use a mobile & there was no way to contact the person waiting at the other end to let them know about the problem or that he was OK.

If I had the option of something drive him I’d definitely take that.

Car!
Train travel in the uk has become awkward and unreliable. There’s not a single mainline I’d have 100% confidence in getting me to my destination without issue.

I understand A’s fears that C will lose confidence and become more dependent but realistically this is on the horizon anyway. From my personal experience of living with an elderly parent, they can rise to the occasion when needed but this takes its toll and a period of decline can follow.

I would not want to take this risk.

I am guessing from your posts that A is C’s spouse/carer and B is the child of C. A may have some additional resentment about C being infantilised and being expected to pick up the slack as a carer.

Not sure how A can assert both that C is capable of making a long journey alone and that C can't make their own choice of how to travel.

Realistically, what is A going to do if B drives C home?

A is also worried that C will use this to refuse other activities in the future and the implicationsfor A of that.

I'm not at all an adherent to the 'relatives must become servants to an infirm older person' position, as my other posts on this board would show. But I honestly don't think it's self indulgent for a 90 year old not to want to undertake a 5 hour journey alone. And at 90 their capability will only diminish, so they are very likely to 'refuse other activities in the future' regardless of this. It all sounds like A sees them as somehow lazy and not trying hard enough which is baffling to me.

Drive him. At 90-something, why not take the chance for a long chat in a warm car?

Trains are usually comfortable and pleasant to be on if you have a booked seat. They have toilets. You can read without getting travel sick and you don't have to make five hours of small talk with the person driving you.

If the person were new to train travel I might say car was worthwhile but given the elderly person is used to the train (and indeed coped with the delayed train scenario last time round), id say train. If first class is an option, I would look at taking it

Agree. And as for 'important for maintaining independence' a) he's already 90, it won't have much longer to run anyway I'm afraid, and b) it's not just about the mode of travel. I had a family member still living independently at 90, did his own shopping and all that, but who fell and broke his hip. Then it was all over and he never went home, moved to a care home from hospital. I would be concerned that a five hour multi part journey, undertaken alone, carries far more risk of a fall or injury that would undermine his independence, compared to being driven by a willing volunteer.