Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

You’re not alone, I couldn’t do it either 😢

Am frankly astonished by this thread. I love my parents dearly, but they've had decades to make arrangements for their personal care in old age. If they think I'm wiping their arses they can jog on. The difference might be that I'm child free, so expect to pay for professional care in due course, not coerce some poor bloody daughter.

Christ, I couldn’t do anything like this. I can see I’m in the minority so it’s a me problem, just learned something about myself!

I've done it for both. Dad was always embarrassed and mum would hit me. They both refused to allow the carers to wash them. So hard.

Showering, hair and urine I have done a bit, plus a lot of foot care which was a natural extension (we all have terrible feet in our family so taking care of them is normal), but I drew the line at poo. Luckily it’s never been essential for me to do that, mum went from problematic urinary incontinence to aggressive faeces smearing overnight and also needed 24 hour care.

I’m not at that stage yet but both my parents are adamant they don’t want their children to do this. I would also rather not, to maintain some parent/child boundaries I think maybe.

I did it for my father - washing, shaving, showering, catheter bags, toileting, dressing, bedtime - everything. Once I had the right kit and got a routine going, I didn't think twice about doing it. It's more dignified for them to just be matter of fact about it, get it sorted and move on.

He's currently in a home, so I don't have to do it. I'm appreciating being his daughter again and just being able to spend time with him. I'm also a lot less knackered!

No I will not do it unless there is absolutely no alternative.
I am not a trained carer and I have already broken most of the internal boundaries I have set, if I do it will be once only then DF will have to go to. care home with his dementia wether he wants to or not.

I helped my late Mum shower and wash her hair. I now periodically help my Dad shower and have emptied commodes, but that’s it’s far.

I do what’s necessary when it’s necessary, I don’t think about it too much tbh.

A very good friend of mine had to do this when her dad was dying. He sadly had an accident and she didn't want her mum to deal with it. She told me, almost with embarrassment. I gave her a big hug and said how fabulous she was. I struggled to wash my mum's hair during covid, I am so non- physical. So my friend was amazing. And so are you!

I couldn’t do this

I did for my mum as she was at home , bed bound and doubly incontinent for the last 8 weeks of her life but I am a retired nurse .

I do not want to do this for my mum. Our relationship is not easy and I’m not sure how it would work out…but as she gets more unwell (cancer) I can see that occasions may arise when it is inevitable.

No I don’t do it
DM now in a care home and I always ask the staff
Maybe I should do it but I just can’t

Like I said, it is really difficult but sometimes there is no choice. I couldn't bear the thought of my parents sitting in their own mess when I could make them more comfortable.

I'm dreading this tbh, I would have no issue with my Mum and have helped with changing, cleaning and enemas previously. Unfortunately I have a very strong sense of smell and gag reflex so have to double mask which I feel bad about but I can't help if I'm gagging and retching involuntarily.

My father will not be happy for me to help him and I am starting to suspect he is having continence issues. He refuses help from carers as well and it's a worry that's growing.

Did personal care for DF who had pancreatic cancer (diarrhoea is an issue with it) but not for DM who was in a care home for the last 3 years. Also have to do it for DH as he is very frail and unwell now too. Finding it so much harder with DH as feel like his carer and not his wife anymore and our relationship has altered. I wouldn't wish the indignity of incontinence on anyone.

My Sister and I did it for my Dad. Things sometimes just happened and there was no alternative, needs must. Luckily for my Dad he wasn’t embarrassed.

Whilst I appreciate why you would say "I will never do" the reality of caring is that you may have no choice on occasion even with carer input.
I try and spin it- would I want to be left soiled/wet and without dignity.
Is it really a big deal? I think once that initial awkwardness is out the way it's just a case of roll up your sleeves and do what's needed.
If it's happening frequently then maybe bigger issues to discuss.

Myself and my sisters done it for our mum until she died pancreatic cancer.
My dad now 90 has a cathator and wears a nappy but I could not do the same hygiene care for my dad. He manages himself at the moment don't know what will happen as he ages
He got a new tablet yesterday said he didn't know what it was for I googled it and rang my sister as she went with him and it is for Parkinson first we heard of him having this and they said they would retest in 2 weeks. to see if tablet works so he probably going to need alot more care.

This thread feels very relevant as I’ve had to help my Dad shower/bath/toilet for the first time this week. Felt like a pretty grim milestone tbh. He’s got flu and Alzheimer’s - terrible combination. He couldn’t seem to care less I was helping him, I know that the real him would’ve been beyond mortified though…

I’ve cried a lot.

I haven't done it and I won't do it. I love both my parents but it's just a no. I don't feel bad about it.

It really is difficult and we all have our own limits, there's nothing wrong with how you feel. When I was doing it for my mum, I felt it changed our relationship from me being her daughter to her carer. It broke my heart every time she apologised and told me how grateful she was.