Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

Yes and dealt with burst stoma bag. Lucky if you can say no- unless your elders have 24 hr care or are in a home you may have no choice sometimes. Even in hospital they could be left waiting hours. Bowel crises tend not to come in the strict timetable that care is offered.

I just don't understand how this can arise, unless you're living in the same house as your parents and already have severely eroded boundaries. My dad's 96. He lives about 5 miles away. If he shits himself this afternoon, how would I know? There's no way he'd be asking me for help because he's my dad. Not my child.

I worry about this. I’m not close to my mum. I find her very difficult but she doesn’t know that. We have a mostly pleasant, superficial relationship. I know that she wouldn’t expect me to provide day-to-day care but she certainly expects to be invited to stay with me and will expect help then.
She’s 80 and in pretty good health but already struggles with urinary incontinence and is resistant to seeking any medical advice. She was a nurse and provided this care for her own mother when it was occasionally needed. I assume there’s a knack to getting it done quickly and efficiently and that being swift and straightforward protects everyone’s dignity, but I expect I’ll fail to do it to her standards because that’s our usual pattern,

That's entirely your choice.

My point was that it's not always possible to prepare for a scenario where care is needed. No matter how carefully we try to plan, circumstances can cause a monetary shortfall.

Absolutely not. I'm squeamish as hell, the only person I think I could do it for if absolutely necessary is DH. I've had a few tricky conversations with DM about this as she seems to think it would be my responsibility as her daughter if its ever needed, with no questions asked. We don't have the closest relationship either!

For the last years of her life my mum lived with me. I helped her with personal care like washing and doing her hair. Luckily she wasn’t incontinent although she had a few little accidents. I was happy to do it as we had a lovely relationship and she had cared so well for me. It never occurred to me not to do it and she would often say “ once a man and twice a child”. I completely understand how you can’t care for a parent in this way, but it felt natural for me.

I did personal care for my Mum, but don't think I could for my Dad. It's a long slog with elderly parents - you aren't doing anything wrong with drawing lines where you need to. Best of luck OP. It was so hard looking after my Mum towards the end but, a few years on, I only remember how she was when she was younger - I hardly ever think of how things were at the end. Still glad I helped, though x

With my DF he refused to change DS nappy so it meant that I could never go out with DM for more than an hour or so without DS when he was young. I get he wasn’t keen but who leaves a young baby sitting in their own faeces. There is zero way he would have done personal care for either of his DPs - they were on the other side of the Atlantic anyway and both died relatively young.

If the occasion comes where I have to do it, I will but once only then it’s care home for him. He was as good a DF as he could be - he wasn’t bad but I have no intention of wiping his bottom unless it’s completely unavoidable.

Over the last 8 years I have been doing a lot for my parents as mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and dad fell to pieces. I always did say that I wouldn't be able to do any personal care if mum lost control of her bowels even though I have always had a fantastic relationship with my dear mum, it felt too personal.

Following a fall in the summer mum's dementia has progressed to the late stages very quickly and she is now double incontinent. We have carers in 3 times a day but it's inevitable she has accidents outside of those times so between my sister and I we clean mum up. Every time I go home and cry. I can't imagine my own daughter cleaning me up and I know mum would have hated it too.

Having spent quite a few weeks in hospital I kind of became desensitized to bodily functions. We've all got them.

I would just try and think of the nurses and carers that do it every day for strangers if I felt bad about doing it.

But obviously if it got to that they would have carers but I wouldn't leave someone I loved in wet or soiled clothing. That's less dignified than helping change them.

Having said that I'm relieved in some ways my dad died young from a heart attack so I never saw him lose physical or mental capacity.

My sister and I always said we'd never do personal care for our mother. Friends said, "Oh but you'll do it when the time comes because it's your mum"
She'd been a horrible mother to us and I couldn't bring myself to touch that woman but they didn't know that.

It all depends on the relationship.

My DM had carers but would not allow them to wash her - she would insist that she had washed herself but it was untrue - the soap and flannel were dry. But the carers hands were tied. Yet with me she had no boundaries whatsoever and assumed that I was the same.

She would also tell me that the carers had refused to wash her hair but I think it was more likely she wanted me to do it.

When she went into hospital prior to going into a home one of the sticking points that prevented her coming home was that I refused to do any personal care. I was on call day and night (she lived in our granny annex) and it would take 30 minutes to get her to the toilet and back to her arm chair every time. I was happy to continue with every other aspect of her care - meals/shopping/admin/companionship - but being on call for every toilet trip was what broke me. Because I wasn't actually wiping her bum I didn't realise that that taking her to the toilet, pulling her underwear up and down, classed as personal care. Because she needed personal care and was incontinent and had severely reduced mobility it was recommended that she should be in residential care. She was immediately hoisted in and out of bed/the chair and wore full incontinence underwear - not something that would have been an option at home.

I should add to my above post DM had carers 4 times a day so they would have done the majority of personal care

I did it for Mum. All through her illness I had things in my mind that I ‘wouldn’t/couldn’t’ do but when the time came I just got on with it. To be honest when in the situation there’s really not time to overthink things, you just get on with it and do what’s required.

I'd help anyone in an emergency, my parents included. But on the regular? As an expectation? Because I'm faaaaaaamily? No, no, no.

I do this for my mum. It started when she was in hospital and I didn’t want her to have to wait until two staff were available to clean her up, so I offered to help. (The staff were 110% wonderful, just over-stretched.)

In a weird way I am glad to be able to give this care to mum, just like she would do anything for me when I needed it and she was able to give it. Mum and I have always been very close, and I am grieving losing her as she deteriorates. This care is almost as necessary for me as it is for her.

Mum now has a full-time carer. When I’m around mum will sometimes ask me to take her to the toilet instead of her carer, and I comply. If the carer is on her lunchbreak while I’m around, I take mum, but I know that she has to wait for the carer when I’m not around.

When the carer was sick I took time off work to go and stay with my parents until we could find a substitute, and I did all the care. TBH that nearly broke me. I could not do it full-time. Too stressful.

I’m the only sibling that does this. The others take different roles, such as all the life admin for our parents. They couldn’t do what I do, and I couldn’t do what they do.

As for dad, if he needed care I would do it. But it wouldn’t be the same. I suspect I would be uncomfortable, though I would try not to show it. I love dad and he loves me, but our relationship has always been different to mine with mum. He is far more private and dignified. I think if dad needed personal care (and I think that’s getting nearer) he would prefer a stranger.

I cannot find it in me to judge someone who doesn’t want to wipe their parents’ bums as a natter if course. But I find it difficult to accept that somebody would leave their parents sitting in their wee or poo, rather than do something about it.

This is a very difficult time in our lives, for both ages.

My mum doesn’t need this level of care yet but I’ve always said I won’t do it and I won’t .

You're not alone at all. I'm glad my mother has carers for this.

Obviously I won't leave my mother sitting in it if an accident should occur when I am there and the carers are not (they come three times a day) but I absolutely hate it and find it very difficult. Fortunately, it has only happened once and I did just get on with it through gritted teeth, which I did my very best to hide from her.

Not if I can help it. My mother does have carers who do most of that sort of thing when needed, even if I am visiting at the time.

Obviously I will step in if an accident happens when I am there and the carers aren't (they come three times a day) and won't leave her sitting in it, but I feel like it changes things between us in ways I don't want.

You’re not alone. I completely agree with you.

Those who say that their parents should have prepared for this are missing the fact that sometimes life comes at you hard. It's not always possible to make those preparations.

I have done, but for my late mother.

I cared for my mum when she was dying of cancer . I also cared for my mother in law when she was dying of cancer . Same goes for my uncle . More recently I had to help my brother in law to shower and dress when he had an operation on his hand . There is a way to give assistance with personal care while maintaining the persons dignity . I used to be a nurse and we were trained to keep patients covered with towels while washing them .?

I admire those of you who can but I'm absolutely not cut out for this. My relationship with my mam isn't great and my dad wouldn't even accept help getting out of a chair when he had his hip replaced so I genuinely don't know what will happen when they need care.

I’ve taken care of my parents in practically every way throughout my adult life; but the physical care I cannot do. I’ve been to every appointment, slept beside them at home and in hospital chairs, cooked and cleaned for them. But I just can’t do it. I gag and vomit really easily, a smell is enough so this is a step too far for me. Of course in an emergency I’d have no choice but as a long term thing, I’ll happily pay for help (and have done) for this.