Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

All the responses of daughters saying “Their dad did it for them, so they are returning the favour.”
Did your dad of that generation actually change your nappies and bath you? My dad is an amazing dad and I’m sure he did these jobs on odd occasions but certainly not on the norm.
Nowadays I wouldn’t stand for any man refusing to care for his infant daughter this way, but I’m surprised to hear of so many involved fathers of a certain age.

Totally agree with this . The relationship with the parent is key , if you have been loved as a child you probably would help but for those who didn’t have good parents you wouldn’t .

I didn't love my mother because she was horrible to me so I wouldn't have done any form of care for her.

Please don't presume what other people will do.

No, I won’t.

Please don’t presume to tell the rest of us what we ‘will’ do.

My Mum has died now but I cared for her in her own home whilst she was dying .
So I took her to the toilet when she was more able and washed / bathed her in the bathroom and then in bed when she couldn't get up .
I also cleaned her false teeth which turned my stomach cleaning them whilst they were in my hand but one thing I could definitely not do for any adult is cut their toenails .

I couldn’t love my Mum any more than I do but I won’t be doing any personal care unless it was a one off incident.

Bizarrely , it became a privilege once I got over the initial shock

Yes. I did for my mum.
absolutely no one relishes this task but we do it out of love and so will you

I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing this for my elderly dad when he was alive (luckily he had carers/my mum)
He was a private, old fashioned and formal person and we didn't have a particularly close or open relationship so it would have felt really inappropriate to me to be honest.
I guess though, if you're forced to deal with something like that whilst caring for someone you just have to get on with sorting it out, as they can't be left in soiled/wet clothes with mess everywhere.

I have perfectly good relationship with my mother but I struggle to even touch her.

I had a good, loving relationship with my parents, i'm generally pretty pragmatic about bodily functions and had raised four children of my own but I was still surprised at how difficult I found providing personal care to my mum was when she became doubly incontinent as a result of Alzheimer's. My help was only needed sporadically before she went into a care home but It had a profound effect on my understanding of what it actually meant to be an adult in its truest sense - even though it was completely heartbreaking. It was like I'd moved into the final stage of maturity - it felt completely different to the care I gave my kids when they were small as they felt like an extension of me whereas caring for my parents felt like it required a different level of selflessness that I wasn't prepared for.

Yes. My parents lived 14 miles away. My only medical experience is of being a volunteer in the St Andrew's Ambulance Corps, but this was the reality for me. (My parents' medical problems were not the same as your father's but were significant.)

Again - I'm specifically responding to those who say that the parents should have made preparation for this eventuality. It's not always possible for people to set aside the required amount of money if their health fails sooner than expected or if their earning capacity only covers immediate needs.

No one plans on becoming ill, losing their job or earning minimum wage.

Whether or not any adult children are able or willing to step in is a separate manner.

I would have done it for my mum if she was still alive.
My 81yr old dad is adamant he never wants me to do it for him except in an absolute emergency. I think I would find it hard but he would find it even harder.

My Dad didn’t have treatment for his lung cancer and wanted to stay at home. I bought in 24 hour care for him but still got stuck in with the physical stuff at times. I’m a nurse and was happy to do this and I think because of this he wasn’t uncomfortable as he knew this was what I did for a living. He was impressed at the speed with which I could change his colostomy. 😂. I’m glad he was able to be in his own home and we had some good times together even though he was dying.

Of course.. however in my case I know my parents feel really strongly about it, luckily they’re not there yet.

@cupfinalchaos I agree that if carers are needed, they should definitely be used, it’s not fair to just expect your adult child to do all your personal care.

Helping out when visiting or in an emergency is different, it’s common sense. You don’t leave someone uncomfortable because the carer isn’t coming for a couple of hours.

I dread this too, not for my parents but my elderly very negative MIL who lives close by.

She has already said (to me ..but not her son) that she won't ever go into a care home. She is independent at the moment but with limited mobility etc and outside the house is totally reliant on her son.

He does shopping, medical appointments, taxi service, taking her out etc ) She is physically heavier than either of us and I think is expecting full care in the future. but he could not do personal care and this is also a red line for me.

This is on-topic for me know. MIL is in nappies and SIL does it all. My own mum said she’d hate me doing that for her and I agree.. I’d want a carer to do that so I can just carry on being her dd. I also wouldn’t want my children doing that for me. I’d rather just enjoy their company.

@JoanChitty Yes, that’s how I felt about my Mum too. We were lucky to have such lovely Mums. ❤️

@Gallivant Oh I don’t help out my Dad all the time, he lives in a different country! I meant that I help out with showering, etc. when I’m there.

Same with my late Mum. She died in my 20’s and her illness was progressing when I was a teenager/at university. So of course I helped out when I was at home. I adored my Mum.

I dunno, I feel different when I love someone, I don’t think about the embarrassment/ unpleasantness, I just want to help them and make them comfortable, IYSWIM.

When I was an adult with young children, I occasionally called my parents for help. They dropped everything and came to help me . If they need my help, they can call on me. If can, I will help. That is the nature of our relationship. At our ages it transcends our parent-child relationship.

Presumably you visit him sometimes? You could arrive and find he had an accident- this is what I dread as even with regular carers there are long breaks in between visits.