Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

I have to say, I'm rather selfishly feeling a lot of relief reading many of the replies on this thread. My DM who has Alzheimer's lives with me, and I've spent years feeling ashamed of myself because I have carers in to help her wash and dress, and won't be committing to toileting on a day-to-day basis if she becomes incontinent. It's partly because I have worsening pain and fatigue issues, partly because I work, but mostly because I simply don't want to see my mother with no clothes on if I can help it (we were never a naked family so to speak) and am horrified by the thought of toileting. I'm not a mum and have never wiped a bottom in my life other than my own, which I'm sure has a lot to do with this, but I've tended to assume these tasks (or at the least the washing and dressing) wouldn't bother most people.

Naturally, I will do anything my mum needs if there's ever an emergency of some kind (which I realise is pretty much inevitable sooner or later), but day-to-day is a no. I feel a lot of guilt over this (I think partly because when my dad became unable to do his own personal care he made attempts to guilt-trip me into taking it on so my mum - who was perfectly healthy at the time - wouldn't have to do it, and seemed very surprised and disappointed in me when I refused), but I feel a bit better about it for reading that there are others out there who also don't feel able/willing to do it.

No. I won't, and I don't. My mother has carers for that. Beyond cleaning up once in an emergency when the carer wasn't due for a while, I haven't done it since and I don't want to. She now keeps more carer visits going when I am visiting so that it is less likely to happen again.

Stop telling people what they will do. Many of us won't, and as I have said, I don't.

It's a me problem too !
I work with animals but the thought of doing personal care for a human being completely repulses and horrifies me ,i absolutely cannot get my head around it and live in dread of my one remaining elderly parent needing my help.
I think i could possibly help my husband and adult children if i really had to.
I am a very practical person and i can easily get stuck in with keeping my parents house and affairs in order ,i suppose we all have our strengths and weaknesses though.

I’m a carer but couldn’t do it for my own parents

I also agree that providing personal care, including the extra laundry and cleaning that accompanies incontinence and reduced mobility, comes freighted with a lot of gendered expectations. My mother had always done much more housework than my dad, even after they were both retired, and cleaning his poo off the floors and pissy clothes and making sure he was properly washed after the latest accident was viewed, for far too long by them both, as a sort of natural extension of the housework she led on already.

No! No, no, no, no.

No, class has nothing to do with it. I'm an authentic peasant (both GFs born in the workhouse, first person in entire family to have any post-compulsory education) and if anything this makes me less inclined to get my hands dirty. Because none of my ancestors would have had any choice in the matter.

No I wouldn’t do it. And my mum hated doing it for my dad, her husband of 66 years. It’s one of the reasons he lives in a nursing home- he needs this kind of assistance and receiving it from people who are paid and trained to do it preserves his dignity and maintains his relationship with his wife. They are now able to get on happily again and enjoy each other’s company, which they had ceased to do when she was required to help clean him up and deal with the extra laundry and cleaning that his incontinence and lack of basic independence entailed.

Agreed. You can love your parent and have a carer for personal care. I couldn’t even do my kids’ vomit when they were tiny but couldn’t have lived them more! Everyone is different.

I'm a man and having to help my Mum with toileting sometimes. Basically, I help her with her clothes and wipe her bum. She wipes her vulva – that would be a step too far for me and perhaps her. I wear protective gloves for the wiping, which makes it feel a bit more 'clinical' and less personal. Neither of us likes it, but we just get on with it, and I too have reminded her that she did this (and a lot more) for me many decades ago. I'm afraid it is DW who does more of the direct caring tasks, and I try to help with shopping, cooking, housework and so on.

We have got carers coming in to do washing, apply ointments etc, and that has helped a lot, but we are looking at either a care home or a live-in carer longer term. Just started down that track, so not at all sure what is possible. It's the confusion DM is now displaying that is most emotionally draining, and a major reason she needs help with hygiene as she doesn't always do things in the right order!

In general, you're right.

My dad provided personal care for my great-uncle (actually Mum's uncle); a friend provided personal care for his FIL; another friend provided care for his wife. However, those are certainly the exceptions.

I wonder whether class comes into it? The three men that I've just mentioned were all working-class. I've never heard of a middle-class man doing it.

Phone call with DPs yesterday. DF (92 with memory loss) recounted in great detail how he had just wiped DMs bottom ( 87 more or less bed bound) after a poo as the carers weren’t there. Bless him because he never changed a nappy so it must have been hard for him. She should really be in a care home but is still at home to help prop up his failing memory as he refuses to go in a home and she doesn’t want to leave him.

I certainly have no desire to do it on an ongoing basis, nor do I expect to ever administrate DFs showers. I would do it once in an emergency but then they have money so they options. Their preferred option may be for me to do it, but that isn’t happening.

I personally couldn’t/ wouldn’t do personal care for a parent. But maybe that’s down to having difficult relationships with them.
I couldn’t imagine ever being ok with my dc having to deal with me either.
If it makes you so unhappy and distressed to do it then you shouldn’t have to do it.

I do personal care for my husband, who has a progressive neurological disease. And I'm fine with that.

But I haven't physically touched either of my parents since my mid-teens. And I won't be starting now. Maybe my brother will step up, who knows. All of the women on this thread encouraging other women to roll up their sleeves and get on with it out of love or respect or whatever might like to reflect on the fact that men are absolutely never expected to do this.

Yes I do for my dad. He has alzheimers, and despite being in a care home - he point blankly refuses to have a shower ( becomes aggressive towards staff etc) They are so lovely with him . So I go in and put him in the shower ( he can wash himself etc). Personally, I couldn't leave him not showering / changing and sometimes he refuses which I respect. I agree it's not easy though.

I won’t do personal care for my parents. That’s a line I can’t cross. I had two siblings who died from a progressive disease and family tried to get me to act as a carer . I love them, but that is a hard no from me.

@2026hastobebetterthan2025 Yes, I was my husband's carer. You don't think that you can do it - and then you do.

DF never changed a nappy in his life and was a rather distant father when we growing up because he ran his own business. We had never seen him naked. DM often laughed that she rarely did either (I think he had some sort of body dysmorphia). But I loved him dearly and when he was terminally ill I shared his personal care with DM and his carers - changed adult slips/pull ups and helped put on his convene catheters. He was so embarassed at first but we both got used to it and it needed to be done. But I'd rather change a soiled pad than clean food off false teeth, clip toenails or clean up vomit for sure. Everyone has different boundaries.

Now looking after my DH and learning to do more "medical" stuff (ulcer care, insulin injections and enemas) that used to be done by district nurses back in the day. DMiL was a district nurse for nearly 40yrs and I remember laughing with her that I couldn't do her job. And yet here I am 🙄

@Isitsticky No, some posters have said that they couldn’t wash a parent’s hair, for example.

I’ve dealt with urine-soaked clothes but that’s not too bad tbh.

@AppleDumplingWithCustard I agree that boundaries aren’t relevant in this situation. People deal with what life throws at them and if someone becomes ill and infirm, you do what’s necessary. Carers are the best route in many (most?) cases.

I think most people on this thread are talking about dealing with faecal incontinence, not helping someone shower.

Why would you assume that those of us who have undertaken physical care for our parents have severely eroded boundaries?

@plinkero I’ve never dealt with incontinence, thank goodness, but I agree that love can make washing and bathing easier for some of us. I was never squeamish about it with my late Mum and I’m not now if my Dad wants a shower. He doesn’t really need assistance though, just someone to help him into the shower and stay close by as he’s prone to falls.

I'm visiting him soon and he’s already told me that he’s cancelling the carer who supervises his showers while I’m there. I get it, he pays for his help and he’s always been a frugal sod. 🤣

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I think the reason of us are reacting to pp's post in the way we are is because being told what we 'will' do by someone who appears to romanticise the act of wiping a parent's arse (given what they said about it being a 'privilege' 🙄) is really a rather odd mix of patronising, prescriptive and naive. That's my view anyway.

Just to be clear, I think it's admirable when people are genuinely able to provide this sort of care for a parent. But there are so many valid reasons people might not be able to, and it can be a guilt-inducing topic; certainly it touches a nerve for me, and I'd be surprised if I was the only one.

You've had some rather angry replies, which I don't think you deserve. But people have different relationships with their parents, so, at the same time, I guess they're understandable.

Yes I am like this with DM. It’s hard because I know she would like it if I washed her hair but I can’t bring myself to do it. She has four carers a day that can do it though so she isn’t missing out.
Weirdly I could probably do it for DH or say my sister in law if I had to, but physical contact with my DPs feels impossible for me.