Do you do ‘personal care’ for a parent?

Thanks @rookiemere I can see from the Elderly Parents threads that there are many, many people in similar or worse situations. It’s actually been a huge comfort and source of advice and info to read them.

My mum is adamant she will not go into a home. I tried to talk to her gently about it a few weeks ago but she has not changed from her lifelong position!

She had carers before she was admitted to hospital, but everything about that process felt like a huge battle. If our relationship was different perhaps I would feel differently but I think that ship has sailed.

@Porkpieandmustard it sounds so hard for you, particularly when it wasn’t a carefree relationship.
Has your DM been offered the possibility of a care home ? Sometimes when they discharge they know it isn’t going to work out, but have to wait for it to fail before accepting that the person needs residential care. So I would be on to the social worker if you do end up having to do personal care.
Its such a ridiculous situation. Obviously your DM isn’t making rational decisions but as she is deemed to have capacity, she can continue to ruin your life through her choices. I have taken a step away as mine can afford more care/care homes. As I have said before I will do toileting once and once only, that’s my red line.

This has been such a useful thread for me as my mum enters the last phase of her life.

We’ve had a difficult relationship and I have always said that I wouldn’t provide care, if she needed it. She does need it now. She’s currently in hospital but insisting on going home.
She’s not wealthy and neither am I, so she will get a standard care package.

I feel it’s inevitable that on one of my visits she will need some type of personal care because not everything can be timed to coincide with a carer’s visit.

I will do it, because I am not the sort of person to let another suffer but I will not see it as a privilege or any such thing.

Someone on this thread or another Elderly Parents thread remarked that, sometimes people can’t have what they want (e.g. being at home) if it causes others to have to sacrifice their own life, by providing money / time / help that they cannot really afford.

This is how I feel about my mum. Her wish to go home seems to override everything else. She lives 2 hours away from me and I am spending so much time and money sorting things out / visiting I am exhausted and resentful.

Sorry, went off topic a little but grateful for the opportunity to vent my frustration.

I did for my mum, MIL and FIL when he was near the end.

I agree @CloudPop and @FiveFoxesthis insistence that it’s best for the old persons independence and wellbeing to keep them at home wherever possible pretty directly correlates to a loss of any independence or wellbeing for any poor relative/friend who comes into contact with them, particularly once toileting ability is lost. It would be a hard hearted person indeed who could leave their DP sitting in their own excrement, yet this is exactly what is likely to happen if the person is deemed to be ok at home with 4 carers a day.

As I have said upthread I would do this once only for DF and use it as the reason that he must go into care, even though that’s very much not he wants to do. They have more than enough money to get in all the care they need or go into a nice care home. I would rather we didn’t receive a penny of inheritance- which will all be given to DS anyway- than have cleaning DFs bottom become part of my regular routine.

I feel for you. This insistence that elderly people must be indulged in “refusing” help from anyone but their children just has to be challenged as a society

This is very close to home. I have had to do personal care for my Mum a few times recently as there was no choice. I haven't got used to it and I don't find it a privilege. I cry and gag every single time. I find it awful and degrading both for me and her. It is not and should not be considered part of the mother-daughter relationship. I am taking steps to ensure that I never ever have to do this again.

I have sons not daughters, but there is no way on earth I would ever want or expect my children to have to provide initimate care for me. If I start with dementia symptoms, I will get diagnosed early and I will make plans to go into a care home at the earliest necessary opportunity. I will not blackmail my children and beg to stay in my home and inflict this sentance onto them.

Totally with you

I haven't had to but think I probably could for my mum but not my dad. My mum is a very practical person and wouldn't mind. My dad would be mortified and somehow because he's make I would be more uncomfortable. I have cleared up after my mum after she wet herself and it actually didn't bother me. It was just a task to complete.

I have made it very clear to my children that if my life gets to me being incontinent I want to be either shot or a care home. I am a nurse and my dignity will be destroyed if my own children clear up after me. Feel very strongly about that .
Edit to say that my parents died suddenly.one too young aged 60 and Mum aged 83 but their dignity remained intact.

I didn't think I could but in the moment for both of them it happened for the first time unexpectedly and I just got on with it and was glad to be able to help and now that the seal has been broken I carry on with it. I'm not wiping bums yet and don't know if I will manage that or not but I do dressing, tooth brushing, bathing and helping clean up after "accidents". I did refuse to clip nails and feel guilty about that but I just couldn't. I would hate for my DC to have to help me in this way.

Yes l did it for my Dad and for my Mum, it never bothered me tbh .

This 100%

I did personal care for my dad when he was going downhill and end of life for just over a year. We had carers in too, but he was doubly incontinent so there were often occasions I had to step up or he'd have been uncomfortable for hours.

It surprised me how unbothered I was by it, but we were very close and similar personalities - very matter of fact about the human body (we'd previously done life drawing classes together!) so neither of us were bothered.

I had to do a bit of cleaning up after my mum when she had food poisoning after a hospital admission a couple of years ago and I hated it more than I can begin to describe. There is no way I could do it for her regularly and I'm really not sure why except that our relationship is more challenging (not terrible though) and she is very squeamish/pedantic so likely to be more difficult than my dad who was very laid back.

I would do it for my mother without hesitation but I’m not so sure about my dad due to my strange relationship with him. I don’t know what I’ll do when faced with it.

Yeah, got that, thanks. 🙄 It was still irrelevant to the thread.

Me neither, and there is no way my children will be doing it for me. I have already had that conversation with them.

@bringincrazyback - My "fun at parties' comment was satire 🙄

'Fun at parties'? What relevance does that have to a thread like this? 🤔

Wow. I bet your fun at parties! I personally don't give a shit whether anyone else does it / nor do I think it's my 'moral duty' either. The OP asked a question . People answered.

Fantastic! I feel the same as you, though I don’t mind dogshit.

I help my dad shower and he's fine with that, but nothing beyond that at the moment, but future does worry me.

Some on this thread may, though I doubt it. I certainly won't be. I won't be providing any personal care for my parents, under any circumstances. The very thought is utterly revolting to me - just like picking up warm dogshit, which I also wouldn't do under any circumstances.

Seems like a lot of people on this thread think that handling your parents' genitals is some kind of moral duty and that those of us who baulk at the thought will get our comeuppance one day.

Fuck. That.

If there's an urgent need in the moment, yes. I'd never leave my DM in need of cleaning up if she had an accident. But (and obviously I can only speak for myself) as far as dealing with faecal matter on a day-to-day basis were she to become incontinent or start to need toileting assistance, that'd be a no from me.

Agree re dogs, though, I like them but this is one of the reasons I'd never own one.

I find it interesting that most people with dogs are quite prepared to pick up after them these days, an act which I (not a dog owner) find quite disgusting. Cultural expectations have a big impact on what many of us are prepared to do. But some on this thread may be surprised at what they will do when directly faced with the need.