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Elderly parents
Original poster

How can we encourage them to accept help in the home from outside agencies?

32 replies

charliehungerford · 31/12/2025 13:34

My 89 & 90year old PIL live independently at home three hours drive from us. They have lived there for the past 60 years. They have both deteriorated mentally and physically over the past 18 months and the family agree that some help is needed at home. The house needs cleaning properly, and food dates need checking as they eat food well past safe dates. I’ve done some research and we have found an agency that has pretty good reviews, that could provide a ‘home help’ type service to assist with cleaning etc. Unfortunately they are not in agreement and think they don’t need any help. They accuse my SIL of wanting to put them in a home, when we try to explain that we are endeavouring to do the opposite, and that if they want to stay at home they need some help to keep them safe. Do any wise people out there have any suggestions on how we can gently persuade them that this is a good idea. Part of their reluctance is the cost, but they have excellent pensions and savings and cost is not an issue, they are just very reluctant to spend any money, to the extent my almost totally deaf FIL will put up with his condition rather than pay for someone to visit to syringe his ears, a procedure he happily had done previously when it was ‘free’ from the NHS. It’s very frustrating, we just want to keep them safe and at home as long as possible, but the situation is now becoming dangerous, I found four week old eggs and two week old rice in the fridge when I last visited them.

OP posts:
Clutterbug2026 · 31/12/2025 14:13

SS can’t make them do anything they don’t want if they’re adults with capacity.

Which parent is more of a blocker? We thought it was my Dad but it was actually my Mum. I would divide and conquer when you talk to them. With DadI would remind him that men tend to die before women and he needs to put things in place for when Mum is on her own.

Kayoh · 31/12/2025 14:12

My parents are like this. It has helped (very slightly) to sell it to them as professional services rather than "care" or "home help". So they've been willing to get a gardener and regular ready meal delivery from Cook albeit not a cleaner yet. Anything that sounds like care is a no go even though they need it (dad has dementia). House totally unsuitable (loads of steps to access both front and back door) and we're heading for crisis as one of them is bound to fall sooner or later and become housebound.

Here's hoping I'll be more pragmatic in my dotage.

AlexaBeQuiet · 31/12/2025 14:11

Minty25 · 31/12/2025 13:41

There is nothing you can do really if they have capacity. I work with older people and help them to claim Attendance Allowance . They often get the top rate £110 a week and still won't pay out for anything like carers, cleaners , gardeners etc instead squirrelling it away having thousands and thousands stashed away and still won't pay for any help. They say it's for a rainy day but never acknowledge that that rainy day has come. It's really frustrating.

Edited

Agree. This is my parents too, mega wealthy but won’t put the heating on, eat out of date food to the point that one of them was violently ill over Xmas. Won’t accept any outside help and claim the top rate of AA too. House needs a good clean as well. But will happily transfer me thousands several times a year.

BlueLegume · 31/12/2025 14:08

@charliehungerford you have come to the right place here so I will welcome you to the club nobody wants to be in. Stubborn elderly parents. You have my utmost sympathy. It’s such a worry but unfortunately as you will probably know you cannot make them do anything they do not want to and if they are deemed to have capacity they are free to continue making their own decisions-even poor ones.

Original poster
charliehungerford · 31/12/2025 14:02

ShesTheAlbatross · 31/12/2025 13:44

Do they think they need no help at all? Or do they acknowledge they need help but want family to do it?

Thanks for replying, they have no issue with us helping, but we are a three hour drive from them, and their other children are overseas. Each visit requires an overnight stay in an hotel, with associated costs, which is not feasible more than every month or so due to my DH part time job. They seem to think that if any ‘strangers’ come to the house they’ll refer them to Social Services. We’ve tried to explain that SS have more important things to deal with. All the family moved away from their area over 30 years ago, so it’s not as if it’s come as a surprise that they are on their own, they don’t have friends in the area, and are very suspicious of their lovely neighbours who try to help. They have made no provision for their old age, unsuitable house over a mile from the nearest shop, no facility for a downstairs bedroom, unmanageable garden that they won’t pay anyone to take care of. I think they know deep down that things are not good, but they won’t acknowledge it.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 31/12/2025 13:44

Do they think they need no help at all? Or do they acknowledge they need help but want family to do it?

Minty25 · 31/12/2025 13:41

There is nothing you can do really if they have capacity. I work with older people and help them to claim Attendance Allowance . They often get the top rate £110 a week and still won't pay out for anything like carers, cleaners , gardeners etc instead squirrelling it away having thousands and thousands stashed away and still won't pay for any help. They say it's for a rainy day but never acknowledge that that rainy day has come. It's really frustrating.