Combining property with (adult) child and care home costs

35 replies

tooldforicy · 31/12/2025 13:15

Just wondering if anyone has any experience of how things work if an elderly parent sells their home to buy a larger home with an (adult) child who will care for them, then later needs to move to a care home?
I currently look after finances for DM. She has mental capacity but has dementia plus some mobility problems and does not want to continue living in her own home (mainly due to delusions). I think we should be looking at a care home as she now needs a lot of help but DB is totally against that and has started to talk to her about potentially selling both their houses to buy a larger home where she can live with his family and they can look after her. The suggestion seems to be that mum will put the funds from her house towards this but the house will not be in her name- the money she puts in will effectively be in return for them caring for her/paying the bills etc. I don't have a particular problem with that as such- I'm not prepared to have her living with me and in any event don't expect there to be anything to inherit after the cost of care if she goes in to a home. Ultimately it's her home/money and her decision. My concern is what would happen if/when at a later date she needs more care than they are willing or able to provide and she needs external carers or to move in to a home. Would this be treated as deliberate deprivation of assets (DB seems sure it's not but thinks this is irrelevant anyway as the purpose is to keep her out of a care home)? My worry is that if it happened concerns about their home would mean they don't seek help when it's needed and/or the whole thing will be a mess that I am then expected to sort out.
I'm not sure I can do much about it, but would like to understand so that I can try to explain it to her and make sure it's flagged at the time. It's not possible to have a sensible discussion with DB as he is very annoyed with me for making it clear that I won't move DM in with me or move in with her full time or part time and is very aggressive every time I have tried to speak to him about alternatives. Unfortunately, DB seems to be in denial about how DM's condition is likely to deteriorate so I suspect he is really not prepared for her to need any more care than she currently does.

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 31/12/2025 13:41

It sounds like your DB isn’t looking at things realistically, and has no idea how difficult it is to care for a relative with dementia. Your stance is the wiser one.
I’m not by any means an expert, but it can now be reasonably expected that your mum will need care, and therefore her assets will be used to fund that care. If the value of her house was ploughed into the cost of a bigger house for family to be resident, not long before she needed care, Im sure the local authority would be putting a charge on the house to the value of her current house, which would mean DB and family would have to downsize earlier than they might want to.
Social work advice would be very useful here! Your concern that their desire to avoid care costs might lead to her staying there longer than is in her best interests, is a worry, and having a social worker involved could protect from this.

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2025 13:40

“she can live with his family and they can look after her”

So how much “caring” will DB be doing, or will it fall on his DW? Does he have any experience of caring? You say, “DB seems to be in denial about how DM's condition is likely to deteriorate so I suspect he is really not prepared for her to need any more care than she currently does” - sadly, she is likely to need a great deal more care, including bathing and toiletting, and help with feeding, too. Is his family prepared for this? Will his marriage stand it? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen - your DB sees an opportunity of getting a larger house courtesy of your DM, and is being totally unrealistic about the ramifications. You are totally right to be thinking of looking at a care home - don’t let your brother’s hare-brained scheme prevail.

Barnestine · 31/12/2025 13:39

What might happen is that his partner will put a stop to his plans anyway and mum will have to pay for care, either in her own home or in a residential home.

BadgernTheGarden · 31/12/2025 13:38

Leave them to it he doesn't want your input. But I would think if all the money from her house sale is gifted to DB (in the form of a house) it won't look good. I'm sure if she has to go into a home it will be looked at carefully and they may have to make restoration. Has he asked a solicitor for a proper opinion? Of course he may be right and it will never happen.

Barnestine · 31/12/2025 13:36

MO0N · 31/12/2025 13:33

Your brother has got his eyes firmly fixed on the prize, i.e he is focusing on financial gain for himself.

That’s what I thought, but I’m a suspicious old crow. That’s why I wondered if he had a partner who might be expected to shoulder the caring.

Barnestine · 31/12/2025 13:34

I know you said you look after mum’s finances, but do you have POA? Do you think your brother wants to avoid care costs to maximise any inheritance?

MO0N · 31/12/2025 13:33

Your brother has got his eyes firmly fixed on the prize, i.e he is focusing on financial gain for himself.

Barnestine · 31/12/2025 13:31

I think you might need to speak to a Social Worker - Age Concern to clarify the position re deprivation of assets, and then again if you felt that your mother’s needs were not being met and your brother and family would not discuss it.
Coyld you speak to your brother’s partner at all about the current concerns?

Barnestine · 31/12/2025 13:28

Oh does, sorry, re read.

Barnestine · 31/12/2025 13:28

Does your brother have a resident partner?

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