Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

My mum's dying and I cannot go and see her

59 replies

viktoria · 20/12/2025 10:40

I just had a phone call from my brother in Italy. My mum who has had dementia for the last 12 years, was admitted to hospital yesterday and has developed pneumonia and the doctors think the dying process has started. She could die today or it might be a few days.

Part of me thinks it's a relief for my mum, but it's just so awful.

I have cancer, have started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago and had my port put in yesterday (minor surgery) and am meant to take it easy for a week, lots of rest and trying to avoid any infection as I have very little immunity.

Throughout lmy mum's dementia she has been keeping her spirits up, whenever I asked how she was she would always say "every day a little bit better";
On a selfish level I feel like I don't know how I can cope with this whole situation
I'm a positive and optimistic person and am working hard to keep my spirits up during my treatment
While it's only stage 2 cancer, it's an aggressive one and I'm having a year of treatment.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I provably just need sympathy
I'm in bits

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2025 11:23

Oh that sounds unbelievably tough. Could your brother set up a FaceTime call, so that you can talk to your mum and she can see/hear you?

Original poster
viktoria · 20/12/2025 11:19

Thank you, everybody.
My mum is on morphine and can't communicate and doesn't react.
I know that dying people can hear longer than they can communicate.
I wasn't thinking that I could go, I wouldn't be able to travel by myself. I assume my husband could come with me. Our children are early 20s
I just checked flights. There is availability.
I could fly tomorrow morning and return on the 23rd in time for my next chemo
I'm not sure if I'm up to it but will speak with my cancer nurse

OP posts:
4forksache · 20/12/2025 10:57

It would be difficult anyway, but is made so much worse by your helplessness at the moment, and also it’s making you face your own mortality with the cancer treatment.
You are stronger than you think. You can get through this.💐

Shittyyear2025 · 20/12/2025 10:54

Are you clinically unfit to travel op?

I missed my mum's death by a couple of hours. If there's any way you can travel, go.

If not then my heart hurts for you for everything you're going through. Be kind to yourself xxx

Kosenrufugirl · 20/12/2025 10:52

I am so sorry to hear about your mum situation.

Losing mum is incredibly painful.

My mum was in the nursing home abroad because of her dementia.

Then she developed Covid.

I couldn't fly as the borders we closed.

Even if I had managed to sneak myself into the country I wouldn't have been allowed on Covid ward (the rules in my country at the time).

Everyone told me not to travel abroad s that not to risk my life because of my young children (it was very early days and lots of fear)

My mum passed away. The borders were still closed. My friend had to organise the funeral.

There was nothing for me to do but pray.

A few weeks after my mum's passing I had a very distinct experience. I am now certain my mum heard my prayers and she was OK

I hope it helps

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 20/12/2025 10:49

Oh, what a difficult situation. Sending you lots of love 💐

Abra1t · 20/12/2025 10:46

I lost my mother last year and remember the emotional process—and that was being able to be with her in her final weeks. Your situation is far harder and I am so sorry.

You will need some FaceTime meetings set up. Lots of calls.

We did this with my family overseas who couldn’t get to my mother.

The last days were precious but so were the days in all the years before. It sounds as if she knows you love her and that’s the most important thing.
💐

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/12/2025 10:43

Lots of love. What an awful situation.

CrackingOn50 · 20/12/2025 10:42

Oh sweetheart, you poor love.