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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mum's dying and I cannot go and see her

59 replies

viktoria · 20/12/2025 10:40

I just had a phone call from my brother in Italy. My mum who has had dementia for the last 12 years, was admitted to hospital yesterday and has developed pneumonia and the doctors think the dying process has started. She could die today or it might be a few days.

Part of me thinks it's a relief for my mum, but it's just so awful.

I have cancer, have started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago and had my port put in yesterday (minor surgery) and am meant to take it easy for a week, lots of rest and trying to avoid any infection as I have very little immunity.

Throughout lmy mum's dementia she has been keeping her spirits up, whenever I asked how she was she would always say "every day a little bit better";
On a selfish level I feel like I don't know how I can cope with this whole situation
I'm a positive and optimistic person and am working hard to keep my spirits up during my treatment
While it's only stage 2 cancer, it's an aggressive one and I'm having a year of treatment.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I provably just need sympathy
I'm in bits

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 20/12/2025 16:30

No travel insurance would cover you for you or cancer treatment that will be excluded , your ehic card will cover your emergency treatment.
I would go , mask up, take obvious precautions I did something similar and I spent my dad's last few hours with him where he became lucid for a while and definitely knew I was there. I was glad I did

cantbearsed27 · 20/12/2025 16:13

Don't risk yourself too OP. Speak to her over the phone and tell her how sorry you are that you aren't able to get there because you are having treatment yourself. She would want the best for you, and that is for you to stay at home.

stayathomegardener · 20/12/2025 14:34

You really can’t travel without insurance and I don’t think you would get cover unless your consultant categorically says you can fly which isn’t the same as not saying you can’t. Iykwim.

Your Mum sounds lovely and quite likely she wouldn’t want you to risk picking anything up whilst travelling.

I think you need to be very kind to yourself and give yourself permission to put your own health first.

Alternatively could one of your adult children go in your place?

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/12/2025 14:28

Oh op, I’m so sorry. Please only travel if you get medical clearance, your mum would not want you to risk your health I’m sure.

Mosaic123 · 20/12/2025 14:16

I think it's too risky for you to go.

What do you think your Mum would say if she knew how things stood?

I think you know the answer.

Original poster
viktoria · 20/12/2025 14:13

Thanks everybody
Had a call with my cancer nurse and surgeon who said there is a risk of a blood clot and infection. But they didn't categorically say that I can't fly.
Travel insurance could be astronomical and I don't think I would take it out
Other than exhaustion and some nausea (for which I have medication) I feel ok, even though o cannot carry anything because of the port insertion
Rationally i think i shouldn't go
Emotionally i don't know if I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't go
But I don't know if that is because it's "expected of a good daughter" (which obviously is not a good reason), or if it's because it's something I need to do just for me, or if it might help my mum - and if it was that then I would of course go without hesitation

I saw my mum just before the start of my chemo but didn't tell her about my cancer because I didn't want to upset her in that moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
viktoria · 20/12/2025 14:05

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/12/2025 13:19

If you do go, please make sure you have travel insurance xx

O just did a quick search and travel insurance is between £300 and £3000 for three days.
If I go I won't take travel insurance

OP posts:
Swash89 · 20/12/2025 13:43

If I was your mum, I’d like a FaceTime call as even if I had no idea of what was going on, I may be able to hear your voice. I would not want you to put yourself at risk by travelling when you have cancer and chemo and would prefer you stay home. Any decision you make will suck regardless. So sorry.

Muffinmam · 20/12/2025 13:39

viktoria · 20/12/2025 11:19

Thank you, everybody.
My mum is on morphine and can't communicate and doesn't react.
I know that dying people can hear longer than they can communicate.
I wasn't thinking that I could go, I wouldn't be able to travel by myself. I assume my husband could come with me. Our children are early 20s
I just checked flights. There is availability.
I could fly tomorrow morning and return on the 23rd in time for my next chemo
I'm not sure if I'm up to it but will speak with my cancer nurse

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

An option is a nurse can put a phone/screen next to your mum so she can hear your voice.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2025 13:29

@viktoria I am so.sorry. Presumably your brother is with your mum.

As a mum, if my dd were having chemo, I wouldn't want her to come to see me if it meant she had to travel by plane and be subjected to the germ soup of recirculated air.

Your mum will likely not be aware and will have you with her in spirit and she will be within you forever.

It's a shit situation but I really think you have to put yourself first in the circs. That's what your mum would want.

Flowers
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/12/2025 13:21

Maddy70 · 20/12/2025 12:06

Honestly I would go. I'm in the middle of cancer treatment too. Just get on a flight, you haven't started your chemo yet so your immunity is fine just make sure you're back in time for your treatment (which can be delayed if necessary.) you will be surprised at how many times your chemo has to be delayed .. of your blood tests aren't ok they don't do it. Your port won't get infected just take the normal precautions. And book assistance at the airport

Edited

She started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago! Please read the ops post before replying.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/12/2025 13:19

If you do go, please make sure you have travel insurance xx

Freeme31 · 20/12/2025 13:18

What an awful situation you are in my heart goes out to you. On a practical level can you get your brother to facilitate a face time visit between you both i know it’s not the same but perhaps allows you to see/say goodbye. I hope your treatment is successful. Sending a hug

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/12/2025 13:17

Your mum sounds like a gem. I think she'd tell you to stay home, safe and get better soon!

If she is conscious can you facetime/WhatsApp video via your brother. Perhaps write down what you'd like to say so you dont forget.

Good luck with yoyr cancer journey!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/12/2025 13:14

So very sorry.
Your mum would not want you to risk your own health.

Mum5net · 20/12/2025 13:11

OP, really tough.
I’d prioritise you right now and not go anywhere.
There are so many coughs and flus right now that are more prevalent on aircraft and international meeting places.
My DM was a long time dementia sufferer. She absolutely would not have wanted me to risk my treatment and my future health had I been in your shoes. I know that 100%.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 20/12/2025 12:22

Firstly I am so sorry about your Mum.

Secondly, I am so sorry that you are poorly and in this predicament.

My Mum fell ill suddenly during covid. No-one could be with her while she was in ICU but my Brother and I were called to say we could go and say goodbye when we were told she was dying. But we were told it was imminent and to get there quickly. I don't live close by so I knew I wouldn't get there in time, or that there was a big chance that I wouldn't. My brother was close by so he got there, with my Dad, and he put me on facetime from the hospital. I was able to see her, talk to her and say all the things I wanted to say to her, without actually being there.

The choice was right as had I got in the car to make the journey she would have passed while I was on route and I would have missed the facetime call opportunity and the chance to say goodbye at all.

Take advice from your cancer care team and do not travel if they don't recommend it. I am sure if your Mum could talk to you, she would tell you not to put yourself at risk.

LilyBunch25 · 20/12/2025 12:15

So sorry 😞 xxx

Redflagsabounded · 20/12/2025 12:13

I wouldn't risk travelling while having chemo.

If your Mum is heavily medicated, you are right, she may still hear you. Could your brother hold a phone so you could talk to her? I know it's not the same for you but it'll be the same for her.

Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 20/12/2025 12:10

@viktoriaCan you phone the MacMillan chat line? I'm wondering if they might be able to support logistically and emotionally?

Maddy70 · 20/12/2025 12:06

Honestly I would go. I'm in the middle of cancer treatment too. Just get on a flight, you haven't started your chemo yet so your immunity is fine just make sure you're back in time for your treatment (which can be delayed if necessary.) you will be surprised at how many times your chemo has to be delayed .. of your blood tests aren't ok they don't do it. Your port won't get infected just take the normal precautions. And book assistance at the airport

Frenchfemme · 20/12/2025 11:38

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please don’t put your life and health at risk. Your mum knows you love her and she would want what’s best for you. I faced a similar situation with my dad last year, I couldn’t travel to UK to see him in his final days, or for the funeral (due to my disability) but kept in touch with my siblings who were there and we all supported each other and dad. I know I did the right thing, difficult though it was. My thoughts are with you.

gogomomo2 · 20/12/2025 11:26

If you can cope with the travel (book assistance at the airport so less walking) then going will make the inevitable slightly better for you, but buy a couple of good quality masks for the plane, for your own safety that is. Thinking of you, it’s so tough and you do need to think what is right for you, your mum would want that

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2025 11:23

Sorry, crossed post with you @viktoria

weebarra · 20/12/2025 11:23

So difficult. I’m not sure I would have been up for travelling the day after getting my port put in when having weekly chemo. As you say it’s the lowered immunity that I’d be worried about. Ask your nurse, see what they say and go if you possibly can. Thinking of you.