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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mum's dying and I cannot go and see her

59 replies

viktoria · 20/12/2025 10:40

I just had a phone call from my brother in Italy. My mum who has had dementia for the last 12 years, was admitted to hospital yesterday and has developed pneumonia and the doctors think the dying process has started. She could die today or it might be a few days.

Part of me thinks it's a relief for my mum, but it's just so awful.

I have cancer, have started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago and had my port put in yesterday (minor surgery) and am meant to take it easy for a week, lots of rest and trying to avoid any infection as I have very little immunity.

Throughout lmy mum's dementia she has been keeping her spirits up, whenever I asked how she was she would always say "every day a little bit better";
On a selfish level I feel like I don't know how I can cope with this whole situation
I'm a positive and optimistic person and am working hard to keep my spirits up during my treatment
While it's only stage 2 cancer, it's an aggressive one and I'm having a year of treatment.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I provably just need sympathy
I'm in bits

OP posts:
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DoYouWantHalfThisSandwich · 30/01/2026 23:47

Oh @viktoria i just want to scoop you up & envelop you in the biggest hug possible. I am so sorry that you weren’t able to make it out to see your Mum before she died, but I hope the time you were able to spend with family & friends out there bought some small comfort ❤️ I think as daughters we tend to beat ourselves up when Mum dies, no matter how much love & support we’re able to give. From your posts, your Mum knew how much you loved her ❤️

Original poster
viktoria · 30/01/2026 23:23

Thanks so much for all the kind words.
I wanted to update.
My husband and I and our two daughters went to the funeral.
We flew on the 28/12, funeral was on the 29/12 in the morning, followed by a meal with cousins, aunts and uncles and my mum's friends. In the evening we flew back.
I would have preferred seeing her when she was in hospital, but I was glad I could get to the funeral.
The funeral was in the same church, where 65 years to the day my parents got married there.
It felt like a beautifully sad, but somehow comforting circle of life moment.

I struggled a lot mentally after the funeral, but in the last week or so I am feeling stronger.
Again, thanks for all the kind words.

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 23/12/2025 10:45

so sorry for the loss of your mum. 💐

it was the right thing to not go - your mum would want you to prioritise your health, as would any loving mum. So you made the right call. youre not well enough. im so sorry.

Sneesellsseashells · 23/12/2025 10:10

I’m so sorry @viktoria for what you are going through. It is an enormously awful time for you. My thoughts are with you and your Mum. You definitely need to mind yourself, your treatment is gruelling and I’m sure your mother would want you to take care of yourself.

DustyMaiden · 23/12/2025 10:06

Don’t go. Don’t risk your health. Your Mother won’t know you are there. She doesn’t need a little bit of your time. She had your whole lifetime. She knows you love her.

Whatwouldnanado · 23/12/2025 09:58

So sorry.. I am sure your mum would’ve been the first to want you to take care of yourself, now you can support the others. 💐

OleOlay · 23/12/2025 09:56

I’m so sorry for your loss, in such difficult circumstances and at Christmastime

It is easy to say “don’t feel guilty” - you probably will, but you truly don’t need to. Your mum loved you, and you loved her. That is enough.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/12/2025 09:55

Im so sorry for your loss op, I truly am.

Im also sending you every good wish for your treatment

W0tnow · 23/12/2025 09:53

What do you think your mum would say to you? If she were cognitively intact?

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2025 09:51

So sorry for the loss of your mum 💐

Abra1t · 21/12/2025 08:01

Thinking of you. 💐

IDidBegin · 21/12/2025 01:28

So sorry for your loss. How sad for you all.

I hope your treatment goes well.

MarxistMags · 21/12/2025 01:28

Oh no ! I'm so sorry that everything is happening all at once. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
I hope your Mother slips away peacefully and you get to talk to her.

dancinfeet · 21/12/2025 01:17

@viktoria so sorry for your loss. x

Maddy70 · 21/12/2025 01:02

I am so sorry. X

NoDramas · 21/12/2025 00:06

Oh you poor love. Take care, don’t beat yourself up, it was outside of your control. Xx

CraftyPlayer · 20/12/2025 23:27

So sorry for your loss xx

Okiedokie123 · 20/12/2025 23:22

@viktoria so sorry for your loss and that you didn’t get to see her in her final days. Hoping you can now be at peace and focus on your own health. xxxx

Original poster
viktoria · 20/12/2025 23:14

I just had the call that my mum died.
Thanks everybody for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/12/2025 19:33

viktoria · 20/12/2025 19:16

@Lougle thank you
I think that's what I'll do.

I physically feel too weak to travel

I can feel how my steroids are wearing off and I think chemo and immunotherapy on Thursday, then surgery on Friday and this shocking news about my mum (on Wednesday she was still out for a walk) has totally thrown me off my feet. Literally.
I tried to go for a walk this afternoon, but my legs are like made of jelly.

Thanks everybody. I feel awful not going, but I think it's the tight decision.

My brother and my nephews are with her

No, no, you aren't a bad daughter.

You're a great daughter and a fantastic Mum - your children need you to stay well, put your health first and complete your treatment, not put yourself at greater risk out of feelings of both love and duty. When your mother was well, she wouldn't have wanted you to take that risk and would understand that you physically can't do it.

Don't ever regret not going, the reason you can't is entirely outside of your control. You must come first.

Haupt · 20/12/2025 19:32

@viktoriasending love and all the best for your treatment. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.

Ineffable23 · 20/12/2025 19:29

That sounds like a sensible compromise to me. You could also send a voice note on WhatsApp or similar? Then you could send as many as you want and keep her updated on what's going on for you as you say goodbye to her?

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 20/12/2025 19:26

@viktoria of course you feel awful not going. I felt the same not going to my Mum when she was dying. It goes against literally everything that we feel we want to do, and should do. But the fact of the matter is its not always possible and in your circumstances it certainly is something that can't be helped.

Please try not to beat yourself up over it. If your Mum could talk to you now I am sure she wouldn't want you to put yourself in harms way or at risk. She would want you to be safe and well so please try and take some comfort in that.

When I think about my own Mum, and not being there physically when she passed, I know that she would have been okay with it. My brother facetimed me from the hospital and I was able to speak to her, so I WAS there, just not physically in person.

I know it hurts, but you know in your heart that she would be okay with this and with you not making the journey under the circumstances. xx

Original poster
viktoria · 20/12/2025 19:16

@Lougle thank you
I think that's what I'll do.

I physically feel too weak to travel

I can feel how my steroids are wearing off and I think chemo and immunotherapy on Thursday, then surgery on Friday and this shocking news about my mum (on Wednesday she was still out for a walk) has totally thrown me off my feet. Literally.
I tried to go for a walk this afternoon, but my legs are like made of jelly.

Thanks everybody. I feel awful not going, but I think it's the tight decision.

My brother and my nephews are with her

OP posts:
Lougle · 20/12/2025 16:33

Your Mum can hear. I know that to be the case (ex ITU nurse) but if she's on morphine and comatose, she won't know if you are beside her or 1000s of miles away. Can you tell your brother that you'll phone but not to answer the phone, then you can leave a voicemail that he can play her? It will be just as effective, I promise.

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