Am I mean? Wd like some perspective

My dad is and always has been a gambler and now lives in poverty (has enough to eat and heat but no luxuries). He's never given bday or christmas gifts to my dc which is fine. If he would ask me for money I would want to know why- ir would have t9 be for something urgent or it would be no. My dc are my priority. I don't spend alot on myself but my dc would never go without unless it's a life or death situation. And this is my father.

I send him food and stuff for christmas - lives in another country but that's it.

You mention cultural expectations, what about your cultural expectations ? Why does your ER's expectations trump yours ?

Your ER is taking advantage of your kind nature. Stop being a pushover and put your children first. You could set up a direct debit to pay one of her bills and say that's all you can afford as you need to start putting money aside for your children's future university costs.

I agree with all the PP on this thread. It would be different if ER were short of money for basics like food and bills. However this is clearly not the case. Seems like they have an adequate income and are probably in a position to claim at least some benefits, So this is the direction in which I would point them. There is nothing wrong in an ER having some treats and social life but that should be paid our of disposable income when the basics are met. And not scrounged from younger family members who are depriving themselves and their children as a result. The lavish foreign holiday is a complete piss take. I would scale back considerably because of that.

There are some good suggestions on this thread. First action after the holiday is to have a hard talk with ER and take her to CAB for a benefits check. Perhaps it needs another person (from outside the family) to be there when you reiterate that you are depriving your own family to meet ERs needs. The suggestion that ER share her financial information with you as a condition of any further help or advice is a good one. Normally I would say that it might be a form of abuse to inquire into someone's private means in this way. However ER had made herself your dependent and beggers cannot be choosers.

What does your husband say about this situation and does he know the extend to which you are depriving yourself and your child to fund this scrounger?

If they were actually concerned with being able to eat/heat their house then they wouldn’t be borrowing money to go on holidays. Your children come first and I absolutely would not take from my children to give to a relative. Any talk of “you owe me”, I’d of been shutting down straight away. £200 a month is a lot of money so unless she was doing regular childcare that’s nonsense. Has her financial situation changed recently or is this just coming out of nowhere? If she owns her house then maybe she needs to downsize. Maybe phrase it as “We were happy to help with essentials, but it seems like a lot of your money is going to holidays and whilst we understand that it’s important to you to see your friends we cannot sacrifice activities and essentials for our own family to fund this”.

So it’s not an expectation in your culture? It’s that the ER sees her friends being financially supported by their children and she expects you to do this? Are any of you of this culture?

if you, your DH and your ER are enmeshed in specific cultural expectations of how younger generations should support older relatives, then 99% of the responses on here are irrelevant. you would be better telling us what the culture is, and getting some more informed opinions.

if you and your DH are not of this culture and you’re just going along with it because you are too feeble to say no, then you need to learn about setting and enforcing boundaries.

You need to put your children first. They shouldn't be missing out because your relatives are spending their own money on travel and expecting you to make up the shortfall. Explain to them that the cost of living has increased drastically and you can;t afford this any longer.

Can ER downsize house to release funds and reduce outgoings?

Is the 'cultural' aspect linked to Confucianism? I have read everything you've shared and I think you need to stop. Is it your MIL?

You are being taken advantage of here op. It certainly isn’t a common scenario in UK culture and for good reason - the children’s well-being should take priority over the elders and with the current cost of living you clearly can’t afford to subsidise their lifestyle. I agree with previous suggestions that they need help with budgeting and ensuring they claim any benefits they are entitled to - they and you will be surprised at what that looks like I suspect.

I sympathise. Spent my mid 20s to mid 30s giving a regular subsidy to a parent - a bit different perhaps for a dad but I know how it happens. Of course you aren’t being unreasonable not to subsidise an older relative. Cultures where the children support the elders financially don’t usually involve said elders living alone in a house they own, or going on big holidays.

I think giving them a heads up that the payments stop in 2026 is quite kind enough.

You can offer, but I’ll eat my hat if they accept any kind of ‘help’ managing their finances. Tbh in a way, why should they? But they don’t get to be subsidised either.

Stop giving them money and offer to help organise a financial meeting with Age UK who can help them fill in forms and claim everything they’re entitled to.

If you’re worried they’re going without (although it doesn’t sound like they are!) you could offer to pay for an online supermarket order or similar each month. But don’t hand over cash!

You’re being taken advantage of and your kind nature is being exploited. I agree with a PP that she will need money to help with the repayments. She’s identified you as a source of free money and will keep asking and the demands will get more audacious. I would restrict your help to checking she’s got all the benefits she is entitled to. If she was desperate for help, then it might be different. I wouldnt be in a hurry to pay specific bills either as you’ll still be indirectly subsidising her discretionary activities while you go without. You sound like a lovely person, but I think you’ll need to be bit tougher here.

I would have given it to my mum if she needed it but not if she was able to go on holidays etc. Ultimately my biggest financial responsibility is my children. This year I will have driving lessons to pay for for my son. They are £40 per hour. He can’t pay for them himself as he gets paid £7.55 an hour at his part time job and is doing A levels. He also has a very expensive tutor to help with his A levels. Well A level maths to be specific as he needs to get an A in this subject, which is very hard. He is also going on the first abroad school trip he has ever been on, which is very expensive. So he (and his brother) are my priority. I have no older relatives left sadly but even if I did I would only help for the basics for them as I need to prioritise my teenagers.

So I would just not let them buy anything else for your children. Maybe set up a direct debit for £50 per month and say that’s all you can afford and stick to it.

There is no chance that I would sacrifice doing things for my child such as hobbies for this relative, none.

But then ER spends her newly augmented disposable income on treats. You can tell yourself you're funding those things, but really you're supporting her not paying them.

Your child going without activities and you going without a basic necessity such as a coat to fund them is absolutely appalling. You need to stop giving them a penny.

If the holiday money was a loan from a friend, I'd be anxiously awaiting ER telling you that she now needs extra money monthly to pay them back, either directly or indirectly via now having no money for food due to repayments. Get the conversation over now, don't wait for the situation to escalate to 'they won't even pay now I'm starving'.

I don't want to be in any way culturally insensitive, but you could argue that 'cultural values' that make you feel bad is just peer pressure from dead people. Why would you love under strain or unhappiness so a group of dead people or ERs friends think you're behaving properly?

You are being manipulated and used. They are milking the cultural ticket and taking the piss.

Stop it. As others have said, “NO “ is a complete sentence.

If my relative was having difficulties I would pay for heating, water and council tax directly rather than give them hard cash. That way you know where your money is going. However, you need to ensure your needs and your child's needs are covered off first.

They’ve got a bloody nerve. If they were planning on travelling in older age they should have saved up as most people do.
No is a sentence.