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Elderly parents
Original poster

Managing POA from a distance

37 replies

Paperwhite209 · 11/12/2025 21:07

I'm currently my mum's POA and executor but am planning to relocate next year and will be moving a couple of hundred miles away.

Mum is concerned about whether I'll be able to manage her affairs from a distance if needs be and is talking about changing her POA and replacing me as executor.

I don't see the need for this as I'm sure most things can be done by phone or online, and obviously I'd take time out from work as and when needed to do whatever needed doing.

Has anyone got experience of managing this kind of thing so I can put mums mind at rest (or be enlightened that it would be an absolute nightmare).

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ExquisiteDecor · 14/12/2025 10:16

That sounds perfect Smile

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 23:45

Haha. This is it, my job is so intense I just don't have it in me to be out regularly at the moment.

The main reasons I'm moving are finances and better work/life balance as a result. It's something that's been in my mind for about ten years and I've been seriously looking into for the last three or four.

I've been visiting the area for several years so am friendly with owner of the Air BnB I stay at; am a long-standing member of two Facebook hobby groups one of which is based in the nearest city and the other has several people in the area who would be up for meeting in person.

We have a family friend in the nearest city and I have friends and cousins in the neighbouring counties. One of them runs a ladies hiking group so I'll look into the local branch of that.

I'm also hoping to volunteer for the local arts festival and St John's at some point once I'm settled.

Although I like my space and time alone I'm hoping to expand my social network when I move!

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ExquisiteDecor · 13/12/2025 21:54

My DD equally doesn't know how I cope with my (very) active social
life on top of a highly collaborative non-WFH job. Wouldn't do for us all to be the same. I really hope it all works out for you.

ExquisiteDecor · 13/12/2025 21:51

Oh good! I didn't like the thought of you totally alone. It was that comment about being happy to not see anyone for a week. My adult DD is ND and introvert so I get it but I do think it's important to have some social support even if you have to limit it. I'd love to move to Yorkshire. But probably never will.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 21:46

I am very much not someone who seeks company every day! I was self employed for a while which involved me leaving the house for one afternoon meeting and one morning in the office per week so I have some idea of what to expect.

As it is my workload largely prevents me from having a social life anyway so I think the better work/life balanace I'll gain from moving will give me more time and bandwidth to explore my options in that area.

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Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 21:43

I already have the beginnings of a network where I'm planning to move, including extended family.

Whilst I am introverted and neurodivergent I am planning to join things!

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ExquisiteDecor · 13/12/2025 19:18

One other thing concerns me slightly (and it must be in the context of me being the type who thrives on company and seeks it out actively every day). If you are moving several hundred miles away, aiming for a fully remote role and are extremely introverted so possibly not going to join groups etc, where is your support going to come from? You have your DD but are you leaving behind friends in your current location and will you keep in touch? Elderly parent care can be tough and while you have MN, real life friendships are invaluable for sharing experiences, sounding off etc.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 17:00

@ExquisiteDecor yes that's a fair point and not dissimilar to what happened with my Dad - he fell down the stairs and broke his back, made a partial recovery (physically) but was never the same mentally and started going irreversibly downhill about a year later.

My current job is demanding, with little to
no flexibility during term time and I'm
having to do a second job to make ends meet, so whilst I'm round the corner I have very little time and even less energy.

I'm hoping to find a fully remote role prior to moving. The move will also reduce my outgoings to it's possible I might even manage with 4 days a week.

The buck stops with me and if I some point I have to rent my future home out and come back for an extended stay then that's just what I'll have to do.

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ExquisiteDecor · 13/12/2025 16:01

I 100% do not think you should put your life on hold either, but she seems likely to outlive her friends, my parents have always had big social networks, been members of church, golf club, U3A, but have now outlived most of their friends and stopped going to most of the activities and their circle has shrunk massively. We are gradually doing more odd jobs around their house, more admin, more errands. Paid carers can come in and do personal care but they won’t do all the other stuff, POA can take care of a lot of it but there are times when they need someone actually there. So you may need to factor in travelling back on a fairly regular basis if there is no one else. On the other hand she may never need that level of support. You can’t tell. But my parents were living fully independently 6 months ago and now one is in a nursing home and the other is really struggling, life can change suddenly (in our case as the result of a fall) and not just through decline into old age.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 13:02

@rookiemere I think you're largely correct.

Tbf to her there's not much illusion of independent living. Her next door neighbour will mow her lawns in the summer when he does his but otherwise she's very capable - at the moment anyway.

My input is largely two visits a week for extra company and some tech support! I've got her an Alexa with a screen for Christmas so we can FaceTime easily and she can ask it questions and have it on in the background (instead of the spurious bollocks she has on YouTube currently)!

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rookiemere · 13/12/2025 12:15

Do you know what, I doubt she seriously intends to make her boyfriend POA. Next time she says she wants to change from you, I would affect a breezy unbothered air and murmur “Well whatever you think best dear mother “. She is just using it as a stick to beat you with because she doesn’t want you to move.

On the needing care thing, I imagine she will be the same as pretty much every other elderly person I know. Refuse to accept she needs any support or expect you to provide it, until there is a crisis. She is irked you are moving as at the minute with you close she can maintain the living independently myth for a lot longer without you underneath supporting it all.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 12:00

Tbh Mum is hoping (as am I in the nicest possible way) that when her time comes it'll be quick, but obviously there are no guarantees.

One of the reasons I want to make the move now is quite frankly that I've been putting it off for years on the premise that 'by next year it might not be a consideration' and Mum is showing every sign in ploughing on well into her nineties. If I wait to live my life until she passes away it may well be too late for me to do so. I have given up previous opportunities on her account when I was younger and it has taken me until the age of 50 to make peace with those decisions and get over the resulting resentment so I don't want to find myself in a position where it starts up again.

Mum is in a position where she could move to supported living, either here or closer to me if needs be, or pay for in home support if that was her preference and I'm happy to help
organise and support her practically with any of that if needed.

This thread was purely about managing a POA from a distance which is clearly very doable. I'm aware of all the possibilities re future care and issues and that I will have to work around them as and when they come up. What I'm not willing to do anymore is put my life on hold, potentially into my sixties, 'just in case' something goes awry.

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OhDear111 · 13/12/2025 09:39

@Paperwhite209 Older friends will
have their own issues and their own families. They will not be carers and neither will neighbours. You will need to think about paid care eventually. I wasn’t going to be a carer (even though Age uk told me I was!) and paying people to do the role is the only way out. So this needs to be part of the conversation because you obviously won’t be doing it. A frank conversation of what will happen when she needs help in her home is vital. Expect nothing from the state. You will no doubt find this hard. My sisters cleared off years ago and were barely seen. If there’s no relatives nearby you cannot count on anyone else. It won’t happen.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 09:12

@EmotionalBlackmail yes I'm anticipating a rocky path - my mum already does some of those things and I am two streets away currently.

We had a few really awful years when my dad has his accident, was on EoL and after he passed away which came very close to finishing our relationship so I'm used to having to maintain my boundaries and she is much more respectful of them and me than she used to be.

@rookiemere well she's suggesting her 'boyfriend' which I suspect is an act of manipulation in itself as she is well aware that I can't stand him and don't trust him at all.

The other option would be her neighbour, who is a lovely man and very well suited to the job. However he has a big family of his own and has been having some health issues recently so I think it's a lot to ask.

I just don't see the need for any change. When she brought it up they other day we agreed to park it over Christmas and do some research into how feasible it would be so hopefully she'll see sense.

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rookiemere · 13/12/2025 08:43

It sounds positive that your DM won’t move to be closer otherwise you would find your entire life subsumed by her. Who does she have in mind for POA to replace you with ?

FiveShelties · 13/12/2025 08:25

I dealt with my parents' financial stuff from NZ and they were in Lancashire. I don't think I could have been any further away from them.

I am also an only child and have no other family, except for an uncle in his 90s, and found everything relatively easy to deal with.

EmotionalBlackmail · 13/12/2025 08:16

Is she happy to share details with her friends who are local and ask for their support if necessary? Is she realistic about who will be around?

Mine chose to move close to friends rather than her dc as she wouldn’t have known anyone else in either area where the dc are (it’s since become clear she thought we’d then either move near her or ignore our jobs/families to support her very regularly!).

The reality is that she’s reluctant to “bother” the friends, doesn’t share concerns or issues with them as she wants to paint her life as positive, uses them to emotionally blackmail us into doing things “Joan’s daughter comes every weekend” and refuses to do things that would make the situation easier eg thinking about how her friends could help in the event of an emergency hospital admission. She prefers to ignore the issue and assume we’ll come running. Also, some of the friends she thought would be around have since become ill, stopped driving or even died!

I don’t think you should put your life on hold and you should go ahead with the move. But be aware of the need for strong boundaries and clear about what you can realistically do.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 13/12/2025 00:04

@OhDear111

Haha! No flexible does not describe my mum at all, bless her.

I love her, we get on well and always have one another's backs but we are like chalk and cheese and she can be very stubborn.

She also has a ridiculous track record with deciding to move, putting the house on the market, viewing places and then pulling out (only in the early stages) but I'm not pushing her because the logistics would be awful.

Her argument is that even is she moves up North with me, I'll be working full time and she won't have anyone else. Whereas she has a decent social life down here - sees a couple of friends weekly, one fortnightly and has two or three others she catches up with from time to time.

She doesn't particularly enjoy her own company, whereas I am very much an introvert.

If she doesn't see someone at least every third day it's a catastrophe, whereas I can spend a week or more in my alone and it doesn't even register.

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OhDear111 · 12/12/2025 23:57

@Paperwhite209 I do understand that and can see the issues. Presumably dm won’t move? I’ve actually known this to work well but it needs a flexible parent!

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 12/12/2025 21:16

@OhDear111

I think you're right and I'm well aware of the other issues. I cared for my dad after he was put on the end of life pathway 10 days into the first Covid lockdown. He survived for 13 months and whilst he was an easy patient and I adored him, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. To be honest it nearly killed me and I know I can't provide that level of care again - quite apart from anything else Mum is a very different character and we have a different relationship.

That said I want to do as much as I can to support her within the context of the decisions I'm making and I would absolutely put my life on hold and come back for the short-medium term if necessary. I just can't put everything on hold indefinitely anymore.

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OhDear111 · 12/12/2025 21:01

@Paperwhite209 Every single thing is on line. Sending POA to bank etc is on line. I would encourage all bills are moved to monthly payments and you adjust the monthly amount via you having access to the accounts set up on line. Being remote doesn’t matter.

Id say this is more about your mum
wanting you close and fearing for the future as you will be so far away. A bleak prospect for her when she gets more frail I think. I was 45 mins drive from DM and POA was the least of the issues.

Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 12/12/2025 20:52

It is very big and very scary though!

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Original poster
Paperwhite209 · 12/12/2025 20:52

This is all really helpful.

We're in West Sussex and I'm planning to move to Yorkshire. I've suggested mum comes but she wants to stay where her friends are and everything is familiar.

Day to day she manages fine. She has an amazing next door neighbour in his early sixties who is such a good friend to her, and her best friends of over 40 years who are ten years younger and still very capable.

I have a couple of close friends who would step up in an emergency as a well, and all going well DD will be moving to London when she finishes uni next year so will be a bit closer.

I'm looking for remote working opportunities to maximise flexibility in case of me needing to return at short notice or for a prolonged period.

I'm sure some people will think I'm the devil incarnate for considering such a move, but the last 10 years have been extremely challenging and at 50 I need to do this now for the sake of my health, financial stability and quality of life.

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unsync · 12/12/2025 19:16

I did my Aunt's affairs in West Sussex when I was in Suffolk. You can automate everything and get the mail sent to your home address.

I'm now remaining parent's attorney and in situ, so I do all the daily grunt work. There's no difference tbh on the admin side. Although my sibling is also named in the PoA, they live abroad so I do it alone. I do run the big decisions past them first though.

It does help to have a decent family solicitor on board for any queries and also probate if the Estate is complex.

P00hsticks · 12/12/2025 19:06

My parents live(d) 250 miles away. When dad died I was executor for his estate and had to switch all the bills etc over to mum, who I have POA for.

As others have said the financial side of things is easy to handle online from a distance - they did have some old fashioned building society passbook accounts that required me to visit the branch, but I've now arranged it so that I can electronically transfer money to and from them into her main bank account.

The main problem I've found is the other non-POA support functions that need a physical presence - changing batteries in the remote, transport to and from hospital appointments, shopping etc..... I have some relatives who visit every few weeks and she gets daily meals of wheels, carers twice a day and a weekly cleaner.

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