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Elderly parents
Original poster

Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

265 replies

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 08:15

I have had several threads on here and found lots of support for the most part. I won’t repeat my story at this stage but I had a real moment of clarity this week about the situation I have found myself in with my elderly parents.

It dawned on me that having left my hometown and my parents 40 years ago I have forged a life elsewhere, and a busy life at that. A life I love(d). I realised, stupidly, that I assumed my parents life was as busy as mine, and fulfilling. They certainly talked the talk about how busy they were.

What has emerged over the past years of having to be more involved with them from a crisis situation is that they really did not live life to the full, no hobbies, just miserable in each others company in a house they did nothing to other than hoard crap from the middle aisle at a well known supermarket .

They retired 30 years ago and seem to have done nothing to keep active even though they had the means to. My aunts and uncles in the same area seem to have lovely social lives and are thriving in old age. Mine always looked down on their peers as silly people ‘keeping busy for the sake of it’ - but it has meant they have kept their world more open.

Mine are now in a place they do not like, father in a nursing facility mother just unable to cope with anything.

Anyway my point I suppose is that I am not truly surprised. They could never cope with anything big decisions. My mother has always thrown a strop when she has not liked a situation and in the past we tended to all just do what she wanted so she never had to learn any coping skills. So no surprise she cannot cope with this phase of life. Over many years we have tried to listen to their moans and come up with solutions but they always knew better so frankly have ended up exactly in the mess of their own creation.

I have made significant changes in my life so that old age will be more manageable. I wish we could make this something we talk about more. I do not want to put my kids through what my parents have done to me. I am healing now but they definitely broke me with unreasonable expectations.

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 21:03

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:01

@Waitwater what was your point?

I thought your father was in a care home
so I wondered why they weren’t together

the end

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 21:01

@Waitwater what was your point?

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 20:56

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 20:19

@Waitwater my father is in a nursing facility. He requires full nursing care. My mother has full capacity but is just difficult. Perhaps read the full thread.

She despises the fact I have ‘put him in a nursing facility’. She hates the place. She does not require nursing care. Not sure what you point is really.

My father is well cared for and somewhere he is safe, well fed and will have a calm end to his life. I have already agreed to no more hospital visits. Just keep him comfortable.

Edited

😵‍💫

I wasn’t criticising

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 20:19

@Waitwater my father is in a nursing facility. He requires full nursing care. My mother has full capacity but is just difficult. Perhaps read the full thread.

She despises the fact I have ‘put him in a nursing facility’. She hates the place. She does not require nursing care. Not sure what you point is really.

My father is well cared for and somewhere he is safe, well fed and will have a calm end to his life. I have already agreed to no more hospital visits. Just keep him comfortable.

OP posts:
MotherOfCatBoy · 02/12/2025 20:17

Mine are the same Blue. Late 90s & 80s, DM is a hoarder, house is in such disarray you’d think they’d been burgled, rotten food in the kitchen, trip hasards everywhere, work needing doing on the house. Could have downsized 10-20 years ago and moved closer to us but refused to. Wanted a garden/ won’t live in a bungalow/ won’t live on a main road/ won’t live in a flat, etc etc. Takes an hour to reach them. Missed my son growing up. Won’t get a cleaner, won’t get a gardener, wont have carers, won’t declutter.

I go once a week unless there’s a big problem. I won’t clean for them as that would be enabling and they can afford help, but I do go through the fridge/ cupboards for out of date food, I do online admin and bills etc, and I take them to hospital appointments. And I look around the house and I fantasise about skips.

TonTonMacoute · 02/12/2025 19:38

I have made significant changes in my life so that old age will be more manageable. I wish we could make this something we talk about more. I do not want to put my kids through what my parents have done to me. I am healing now but they definitely broke me with unreasonable expectations.

This is such good advice!

I remember a lightbulb moment in my 40s, when I began helping out with the odd hospital appointment, that it was vital to plan for my future - not only financially - but in terms of health and well being as well.

It doesn't make the present any easier to deal with unfortunately, but at least you can hope to enjoy a happier old age yourself.

Waitwater · 02/12/2025 19:26

But op why doesn’t your mother move in to the care home with your father? Is she refusing to?

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 19:15

@ohyesiseethatnow couldn’t read your post and not reply. I need to catch up on the others too but I absolutely get what you say.

The reason I wanted to respond is that I can just say …..do nothing. You clearly care but my reality is they - people like this - move the goalposts constantly. Do what you feel you can. Yes you will feel guilty but that is easier to deal with than resentment. Again a thread of thoroughly decent people run ragged. Take care .

OP posts:
Waitwater · 02/12/2025 17:56

So your mother lives alone @BlueLegume ? Why doesn’t she move to the care home where her husband is?

NattyKnitter116 · 02/12/2025 17:51

Really good thread BlueLegume, and I am so glad it's not just me that feels this way. I cannot agree enough regarding not burdening our own kids.

Both partner and I are agreed we will move to a retirement village in the next 10-15 years or earlier if we feel we need to.

We are not very old (58 and 64) but we are beginning to find the hassle of house maintenance too stressful and time consuming. He is retired from ill health and i work part time and we just want to keep as fit as we can, potter about, do our hobbies and social clubs when we feel like it.
We have already joined the health club at our local one :-)
I have told DSon to live his life as well as he can and assured him we have made plans for older age. Frankly even if i didnt feel this way I wouldnt be able to rely on him anyway as he is disabled and has only just left home in the last 3 years, but my DSis totally assumes her son will run about after them and in the same enabling way she has with my parents. It really grinds my gears to think about it as he is such decent lovely kid and deserves a good life doing what makes him happy.
My mum is also a hoarder, always has been They moved to a four bedroom house after we kids left home and she rapidly filled the upstairs rooms with clothes and handbags - not expensive - really cheap tat.

We put it down to her upbringing during the war and being bombed out, evacuated then shipped from pillar to post after the war as there was no secure housing. its like once she left home and settled with my dad she found security in stuff. To be honest i thought the way they went on was normal as it seems common in their friendship group. Its only because i mix with a wider circle of people Ive learnt it might be common but its not normal (same goes with my upbringing).
The stuff about them sitting in a house where everything is breaking really resonates. She uses her defunct built in microwave as a bread bin and has another working microwave out in the utility room. her oven door hasnt shut properly for years but when my DF suggested they refurbish the kitchen she said a flat no. She doesnt like change.

Yesterday I had a really good Distraction Day courtesy of DP who is fabulous at helping me out of the spiral and today I swam and steamed and felt bloody marvellous after.

Messages are on silent and i check them once a day. If they really want me they have to phone me and i can decide whether to answer.
Im sure my name is mud in Drama Towers at the moment but my priorities are my partner and my son.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 02/12/2025 17:44

Popping In quickly with a phrase or two-

Oh dear, what are you going to do about that?
That’s a shame. It must be very upsetting.
Goodness, what a worry! I do hope you manage to sort it out.

💐

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 17:44

They lived the life they wanted to lead, OP. You do not need to feel guilty for that.

I have already told my DC to put me in a home the minute I sound even more gaga. I try not to keep hold of unecessary stuff.

user86397409754 · 02/12/2025 17:41

HoraceGoesBonkers · 02/12/2025 15:22

The other thing is that there seem to be more of them around, perhaps not unsurprisingly given the nation's demographics.

I started on this board about 5 years ago and it's busier now. Back then I didnt know anyone IRL going through the same thing but there are several now.

There must be so many people struggling with elderly relatives, kids, jobs and their own health - I wonder if anyone's ever tried to estimate the big picture economic, social and health impacts, whether that would change policy.

Yep - I think the big difference is that years ago we got old, got ill and died promptly. Now we get old, get ill but drag on for another decade. Usually at a daughters expense!

My poor cousin spent just shy of 20 years at her mothers beck and call, they had a great relationship so I’m sure she’d do it again, but she spent from 50 - 70 pretty much being a full time carer. Every year she thought it’d be the last birthday/Christmas etc, but her mum very nearly made it to 100. Meanwhile, her son visited once every couple of months…

ohyesiseethatnow · 02/12/2025 17:38

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:07

@DierdreDaphne thanks! Actually you articulated what I wanted to say way better than I did.

I guess we are all a certain personality and that is not going to change in later life. So a sweet lovely outgoing person probably remains so even in old age. I see them in the nursing facility my father is in. He though whilst reasonably affable in social settings was always quite grumpy and sniffy about everyone and their wife. Always had a negative attitude and is just the same in old age. My mother was a crashing snob and that may well have been covering a fragile ego. She is just not able to cope and never has been with anything that is not her own way. She has over my lifetime alienated everyone she meets because she had to make sure they knew exactly what she thought of them. She told one of her neighbours his wife was having an affair because she got it into her head the man who came round every Wednesday ’seemed creepy’. this was years ago.

This resonates with me.

I’m younger than you, mid 40s. My mum is 74 and was widowed two and a half years ago.

I had a decent relationship with dad, and an ok one with mum. But she’s quite a difficult person to get on with it, so it was very surface level.

Like your mum, she is a massive snob. Every person she meets, she sizes them up - job, income, address, and makes a snap judgement on whether or not they are “beneath her”. If they are beneath her, she wants nothing to do with them, and she has written family out of her life because of this. If they are wealthy, she panders to them.

Like your mum, she would go in a strop when something didn’t go her way.

My dad worked till he was mid 60s, but mum retired early from her part time job at around 58. She had a pretty comfortable lifestyle, largely funded by dad. But it was never good enough for her. She is never satisfied with what she has.

Anyway, I always just accepted it. But the past few years since dad died I’ve been seeing more and more what she is like and she is truly toxic. She has also alienated people all throughout my life. I have countless aunties and uncles (on both sides) that no longer speak to us due to her. She causes massive rifts by playing people off against each other. She never apologises for being wrong but will cry and wail “I can’t do anything right”.

She does have a few friends and she bitches about them constantly. Quite honestly I don’t know why they put up with her.

She also refuses to maintain the house since dad died. She doesn’t want to spend the money. So she phones me when things break and I have to drop everything and make the 40 mile round trip to fix it.

I feel similarly in that I feel like I’ve been a parent, coaxing her not to be so unpleasant and negative, and please just enjoy your life because life is short etc etc.

it’s all fallen on deaf ears and now with dad gone she’s left a very bitter, miserable old woman and I don’t really know what to do

rookiemere · 02/12/2025 17:26

Sorry @BlueLegumenot meaning to derail thread, hopefully it’s generally on point of topic.

rookiemere · 02/12/2025 17:25

@SoManyDandelionsyou did better than me on the cleaner. I spent a painful afternoon going through the attendance allowance form with DM so she would have no financial reason to decline a cleaner < they’re worth about a million all told so it wasn’t really a valid reason anyway >. She had at that point macular degeneration and severe osteoporosis. She got the full amount but instead of it being used for the purpose it was designed she continued to trot out excuses about house being too messy and DF used the accumulated amount to buy himself a new TV instead.

As soon as she was bed bound I insisted on getting one in and DH has a red line around doing any gardening. I started off changing their sheets every fortnight but thankfully DH persuaded them to move that over to the cleaner as I am taken up with admin, fridge maintenance and taking DF out to places now on my visits.

SoManyDandelions · 02/12/2025 17:16

rookiemere · 02/12/2025 14:39

Oh my word - are you me - except handily for them, my DPs weren’t in the country when either of their respective DPs needed hands on caring. However they saw the example of one of our neighbours, poor widow propped up at home with the aid of the Scottish 4 free carers a day. I should have got my cues from the fact that latterly this was all the fault of their negligent adult DS who “should have put her in a home” and “only visited once a fortnight “. DM was particularly adamant that I should throw them into a home when it became difficult and DF keen to stress that they didn’t want to be a burden.

Well guess what’s happened. Both of them appear to have some form of dementia and Dm is bed-bound. They refuse any additional support - sometimes even if it’s free - but don’t seem to care that DH and I (only DC) are crippling ourselves doing the two hour return drive to help them. DF goes on about inheritance but isn’t compos mentis enough to understand that their intransigence around care is effectively stopping me from making a decent living.

It has taught me that words are cheap, it’s actions not intentions that matter. I intend to get a cleaner long before I absolutely need one and identify potential care solutions. Someone in another thread had suggested writing a letter whilst in full faculties and I would like to do that too, to tell DS that genuinely he must not put his life on hold for us. I hope I manage to follow through. If my DPs were in full possession of their faculties, I like to think they would be shocked by what they are doing to me, DF maybe not so much he has always been selfish but DM for sure.

Show quote history

We have just managed to persuade them to get a cleaner. No other help is needed apparently!

And yes - Dad is obsessed with money and what he is going to leave us. We'd much rather they spent the money on getting some help, so our weekends don't revolve around sorting them out.

SoManyDandelions · 02/12/2025 17:12

Egglio · 02/12/2025 14:37

I agree with this - I will see my parents, DM will go over again how terrible it was that she had to care for both parents (not entirely true but that's another story) and how she will never put the same burdens on us. Hmm The next day I will get 3-5 texts either in work time or in the later evening asking me to do several different things for them from popping over to dust because they sacked the cleaner to going to a specific shop to pick up a specific item. If I say no, I get the kind of faux disappointment a 9 year old might show when they have not been given the answer they wanted. It's infuriating.

Show quote history

Yes! The text messages/calls when I'm at work! They do ask 'you're not at work are you?' (where else would I be at 11am on a Thursday 🤨) but that doesn't stop them from wanting to talk for ages about something trivial like what the kids might want for Christmas. Part of Dad's dementia seems to be an inability to stop a story part way through. I can tell him repeatedly that I need to go, but he just keeps talking until he is finished 🤯

rookiemere · 02/12/2025 15:41

user1471538275 · 02/12/2025 14:41

In the same way that we are not responsible for our children's happiness, neither are we responsible for the happiness of our parents.

They are adults with agency. As long as they have capacity, they can (and do) make decisions that make themselves miserable, poor and lonely.

Once they have done that, it is not for their children to compensate for their bad decisions.

We can only do better for ourselves and our own children.

Ah yes if only one went to bed with full capacity one night and woke up without it the next. Sadly dementia and cognitive don’t work like that.

Its the trenches in between that’s the killer ( sadly more likely of the carer) , capacity enough to express their wishes, or more usually what they definitely don’t want. So DF has enough capacity to say he doesn’t want to go to
a care home but not enough to recognise when food is mouldy or allow me to take over their shopping completely so the carers can prep all their meals.

I have shown myself to be pretty hard hearted over the past few months, but even I can’t leave DF to eat or feed DM mouldy food in good conscience so I do my best to intervene. Demi capacity is probably the best description.

OldTime · 02/12/2025 15:34

Wish me luck @HoraceGoesBonkers I was forced out of senior work a couple of years ago due to the squeeze, about to head back to a demanding position.
Two years on from my dad dying my mum has changed ? Evolved? She relays heavily on a group of friends opinions rather than my dad's rather blunt gut reactions. So there can be hope of change.

The PIL have rapidly aged in the 85 to 90 zone. The trouble is because they masked and fought aging they have no plan B, it's like witnessing two toddlers when a playdate starts to go awry. They also did the too good to mix thing so we can't even suggest mobility aids like their good friends. Nor have they mixed like my mum in groups who age and problem solve. My mum might one day get a mobility scooter like friend 1 & 2 but 3 never used hers and 4 left it too late. She has a wider frame of reference.
The in-laws have sneered at strangers on scooters for 20 years and the only frame of experience is their parents in hospital wheelchairs 40 years ago.

I hope DH and I do it better, like parenting we'll probably nail one aspect whilst dropping the ball in a different area.

JacknDiane · 02/12/2025 15:25

@BlueLegume, what did you do you make your life more interesting than your parents?
Genuinely asking.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 02/12/2025 15:22

The other thing is that there seem to be more of them around, perhaps not unsurprisingly given the nation's demographics.

I started on this board about 5 years ago and it's busier now. Back then I didnt know anyone IRL going through the same thing but there are several now.

There must be so many people struggling with elderly relatives, kids, jobs and their own health - I wonder if anyone's ever tried to estimate the big picture economic, social and health impacts, whether that would change policy.

BetteDavisChin · 02/12/2025 15:01

My DH and I regret creating an annexe in our home for my parents 18 years ago.
Only my 90yo dad is here now, but having him living here is preventing us from moving on.
It's complicated. I have started threads on MN several times before about our situation, getting many supportive comments and some great advice. And yet ... we have made no changes to the arrangement and I honestly don't know if I can find the courage to tell my dad.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 14:45

Absolutely agree that I’ve lost respect for my parents. When they were younger they openly mocked their peers who were downsizing and adapting their homes to make things more manageable. I’ve also uncovered a lot of lies they have told or rather lies by omission. My mother has always and I mean always told me “all our affairs are in order”. Everything you need when we die is filed under W for will. No such thing. Yes there is a piece of paper saying split everything between the 3 children. But that’s it. Also I sorted the LPOA out completely.

As for their office it’s an utter shambles with piles of stuff everywhere. As for when we die everything is under W…..did she think they’d both go to bed one night and die at the same time? No I don’t think she did but as someone who kicks the can down the road all her life but ignored any issues I think she just buried her head in the sand and at the chime of 4pm every evening poured herself a gin and tonic.

Not a thought that we also have busy lives.

OP posts:
user1471538275 · 02/12/2025 14:41

In the same way that we are not responsible for our children's happiness, neither are we responsible for the happiness of our parents.

They are adults with agency. As long as they have capacity, they can (and do) make decisions that make themselves miserable, poor and lonely.

Once they have done that, it is not for their children to compensate for their bad decisions.

We can only do better for ourselves and our own children.

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