Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

@Changename12I don’t think downsizing is the right thing for everyone provided you’re close to public transport, maintain the property well with regular decluttering and could live downstairs if stairs get tricky then you should stay where you are.

Oh with the caveat that if you live a fair distance from your adult DCs you should not factor them into future care. In fact that should be the case even if you live close so what adult DCs provide is a bonus and they can focus on doing enjoyable things with and for you.

I am finding this thread quite depressing. We are early 70s and have no plans to downsize yet (if at all). I accept that the situation can change at any time. We are passionate hill walkers and you often see people our age, or older, out on the Scottish hills. Last time we got off at Covent Garden (deep tube line) and the lift wasn’t working, we overtook many people in their 30s and 40s walking up the 193 steps. Yes we might not be able to do this in a few years but I am not going to start preparing for old age now and stop doing things we enjoy. We also look after our grandchildren after school and during the holidays. We can still run round with them.
We need the extra bedrooms for when our grandchildren stay.
We regularly declutter. There is a bus service with a bus stop nearby. A few people in our street are very old. They have cleaners, gardeners, stair lift and carers. There is absolutely no way our adult children will be doing our care. They have offered to organise care if we needed but will not be doing it. Lastly there is house clearance. This is probably how our house will be cleared, if we die or go into a home.
@BlueLegume I think your problem is that you need to take a huge step back from your mother. If you don’t do things for her then she will have to get carers to do these things for her. You have to let her fail.

@NattyKnitter116 I agree with the advice to be careful. My parents moved into a normal flat, but it's also very accessible and central so easy for carers etc to access. There's no contractual restrictions on selling it, so it should be a lot easier to manage when the time comes than an over-50's block, and is just a really lovely flat too.

So another option worth considering....

Hello, thanks for replying and flagging this up to me.

I think we would likely rent rather than buy as it's more flexible.
As you say, they are not care facilities, so once either of us needs that we can deal with that situation more flexibly.

So many challenging situations. DF is mid 80s and doing ok generally. MiL has very recently died. To be fair to her she was very organised snd sorting her affairs out will be straightforward. The one thing I’d say about her is that although she had a pretty sensible lifestyle, the one exception was she never exercised. Never went for a walk. Never did the physio after hip ops etc, and although mentally she was largely ok up to the end, physically it was a different story. I’m (mid 50s) trying to be as active as possible. In part inspired by MIL. If you don’t use it you lose it.

sending hugs and 💐 to those that need them. X

The point is that the donor can put the H&W LPoA in place when they have capacity, then it automatically activates if/when they are found to have lost capacity. Without it, once the person has lost capacity, the process for supporting them with health and welfare becomes wildly more complex!

There's a big grey area where people can still make capacitous decisions, but those decisions aren't necessarily "sensible". That's the frustration that many of us live with, but I respect that when we're talking about people's fundamental freedom, the law will naturally lean towards the right to the individual.

In a way (and in hindsight), I think I've been very fortunate that my parents experienced health crises in their 50's. Though it made my teenage years difficult, it meant that my parents downsized earlier and then, as they recovered, rebuilt their social lives. Though those have naturally shrunk with age, they are still active and have friends, and it makes such a difference compared to my other elderly relative who has alienated many people around here and just stays at home on her own.

I had to share my mum's with her GP surgery before they would speak to me about her. She has capacity but is very hard of hearing and visually impaired and tends to put the phone down on people who ring her if she can't hear them and/or understand what they are saying so it's easier for me to deal with queries about prescriptions etc on her behalf.

Interesting thread.
I was here 5 years ago but all parents and in laws are now dead. DH is 76 and I am 67. He's older but in better health. I am fit and well but have health conditions that aren't going to improve in old age. DC are late 20s and live 30 minutes / 2 hours away.
I am acutely conscious of the need to forward plan and the obvious thing would be to move, not necessarily to downsize but to a location with shops and amenities in walking distance. DH won't hear of it because he never goes anywhere apart from the gym which presumably won't be forever. I guess we can get essentials delivered but for me it would be a huge loss to be unable to drive to my hobbies and social stuff.
I've done my best to de-clutter to the extent there are empty cupboards and lots of free space. We have plenty of room, a gardener and a cleaner. The stairs would be tricky - although we could use a room downstairs as a bedroom there's no shower downstairs.
We have financial LPA. I didn't do H&W as it was useless when my DM was dying but I am going to start it.
Other than move house what else would people suggest?

@BlueLegumethank you for this post. I am in a very similar situation with my DF and this has made me feel slightly less awful for finding him such a mental and emotional burden, (there, I said the awful thing!).

Neither of my parents were ‘doers’ or very sociable people. They both retired in their late 50s and did nothing! No plans for how to spend the next 30 years, no hobbies or interests and huge indignation at anyone who picks up work or volunteers in retirement. But a definite expectation that my brother and I should be filling the void for them. (There’s a whole other issue here about emotionally distant parents who were never ‘there for us’ as children/teenagers now expecting a super-close relationship with their adult children).

My DF is now 80, widowed but in good mental and physical health but with absolutely nothing to do. He’s bored, lonely, probably depressed and puts this all on us. Any suggestions my DB and I make for hobbies and activities are ignored. What he wants is for ‘poor old dad’ to be centred in our lives and for us to be available to him 24/7. We both see him separately once a week (during which he monologues about the minutiae of his life) and phone once a week each. It’s not enough! I’m a single parent working full time in a stressful job. I really, really resent being made to feel guilty for not centring my life around someone who at best was a very distant parent and who could be living a great life on a very good pension but chooses not to.

Edited to add that I will never burden my DC like this! If I’m ever able to retire I will be keeping myself busy and taking responsibility for myself and how I choose to live my life.

@NattyKnitter116 Both partner and I are agreed we will move to a retirement village in the next 10-15 years or earlier if we feel we need to.

Do your research thoroughly before doing this, as if you are buying these can be a right pain to deal with for you and your loved ones. They're fine while you are fine, but they are not care homes or nursing homes and if you find after a few years that you need more care (or die) and so need to sell up they are often really difficult to sell with very high service charges that need to keep on being paid for until they are sold.

Tread very carefully....

@BlueLegume good question about the H&W POA I am struggling to understand the point of it whilst the person is still deemed to have capacity. Maybe it’s just to make it easier past that point, don’t know.

@BlueLegume My EP has a dementia diagnosis. They were always quite neglectful of their finances and health before they became unwell anyway. It was the other parent who took control of that, but they died 10 years ago.

Capacity is a tricky thing as it fluctuates so much and I think they mask and put on an act. So many adult children have to wait until something catastrophic happens before they can step in and take control of the situation.

It's a horrible situation to be in and it really colours how you view your own impending decrepitude. My sibling has said they will go down the Dignitas route rather than endure what EP is going through. I'm inclined to agree.

It's really unusual to move into a care facility before you have to - they're expensive, takes up a place for someone who might need it, nursing facilities tend to be quite rigid about mealtimes, not wanting to lose independence too quickly; any number of reasons.

I sympathise @BlueLegume I live with remaining parent surrounded by three generations of stuff. I sold all my furniture and my bits are in boxes in the garage as I'm not allowed to put them out. I thought I would keep my bits for when I get my life back, but the longer this goes on, the more I want to get rid of everything. I don't feel at home here, it's unsettling.

I suspect that first parent to go saw what was coming and decided to not have treatment when they got ill. My sibling feels the same way. It has coloured how I feel about them as there is some resentment there now.

One of the first things I did when we enacted the POA was update the lethal 1970's bathrooms. Of course this was totally unnecessary even though they leaked, floorboards were rotten and you couldn't even turn round in the shower cubicles. 🙄 Now, the narrative is that it was a marvellous idea they had to do the upgrade. I've also instigated a maintenance program with a view to long term sale.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

This is their own doing. You have zero obligation to have your turn your life upside down to accommodate them.

Care home admission is on needs usually. So if you have nursing needs, then it's a nursing home, dementia usually an EMI home, either residential or nursing, etc. You can't go to a nursing home if you don't have nursing needs, even if self-funded.

On this thread, OP said her father is in a nursing home. A nursing home is not a care home. Maybe read up on things a bit, before you comment?

Huh?

what on earth are you going on about?

good night

You are one poster
do you honestly think you are well known enough that anyone who joins your threads knows all the backdrop?
I asked a question 🤷‍♀️

My mum I think the same - terminal boredom. She derived a lot of her self esteem when under 50 by being very attractive rather than what she did ( she couldn’t stick at anything ) or her personality. her H is 11 years younger - thing is when you are 70s and 80s these kind of things no longer count for as much and even a very good for age 83 isn’t going to get admiring looks from the foxy guy in his 40s .

My mum I think the same - terminal boredom. She derived a lot of her self esteem when under 50 by being very attractive rather than what she did ( she couldn’t stick at anything ) or her personality. her H is 11 years younger - thing is when you are 70s and 80s these kind of things no longer count for as much and even a very good for age 83 isn’t going to get admiring looks from the foxy guy in his 40s .

My mum I think the same - terminal boredom. She derived a lot of her self esteem when under 50 by being very attractive rather than what she did ( she couldn’t stick at anything ) or her personality. her H is 11 years younger - thing is when you are 70s and 80s these kind of things no longer count for as much and even a very good for age 83 isn’t going to get admiring looks from the foxy guy in his 40s .