Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

You are right. Even if I had nieces and nephews, I wouldn't expect them to step in. My lack of support will be my own fault for not having children. I would have liked them, but sadly life hasn't worked out like that for me. And even if I had children, I would feel guilty placing the burden on them.

Having said that though, in my family childless relatives have always been looked out for by their nieces and nephews. Even if it's just as a point of contact for hospital / a care home. They at least had someone to list as next of kin. I will be what is known as a kinless person or an elder orphan.

I also wouldn't want to move to a retirement community too early. However I think it's risky to leave it too late. I have know people in their late 60s and early 70s who have a sudden health crisis which has changed everything for them.

It's all very very worrying. I hate the idea of being a burden on other people. Hate not being responsible for myself. I know I should try to live my life now, but it's hard and I wish I could somehow 'solve' the issues which are coming down the line for me. That's why I spend so much time researching options etc - I want to sort myself out and try not to be a burden.

I think there's a market for these type of places for some people and they can be useful but I certainly couldn't think anything worse moving there in my 50s and 60s and being surrounded by people who are at the stage of needing care. And they are also very expensive too which is probably out of reach for most people.

I can understand your fear but I think being an only child is seperate from this. By the time you're needing care any siblings would probably be at this stage too and I think you're greatly overestimating that nieces/nephews would step in and provide the same sort of support or company you might expect from children. They would no doubt have their own families, parents and in-laws to deal with. I've worked with hundreds of older people and the very few that had nieces/nephews involved in their care have made it clear to me that it's been an unwanted burden to them on top of their own responsibilities.

And I do mean this nicely but perhaps listen to what people are saying. It's good to have concerns and knowledge what's out there and as you get older to start making preparations. But I've seen your other posts and you're in your 30s like me and it does seem it is a near obsession for you and one that isn't healthy. Many of us won't need care and its important to live your life too!

I think it was you @BlueLegumethat said people don’t change when they get older, they become an amplified version of themselves. Therefore it’s utterly pointless telling people who are like your DPs but younger to prepare for their old age as they simply won’t listen. DH is a case in point, despite seeing directly the impact of my DPs lack of acceptance of much that would help, he still clings to the belief that diet and exercise will resolve everything and he will never go into a care home. I must be odd because the prospect of a care home doesn’t scare me, I like company and I like being looked after.

Therefore maybe the balance needs to shift to encouraging adult DCs to have boundaries. I do not want DS to have to do what DH and I are doing at the minute for my DPs and I tell him repeatedly that I do not expect this when I am older and he shouldn’t do it for either of us. I have had to pull back a bit on what I do for DPs - I thought they would recognise the impact on me but either they are beyond caring or they are so worried about their own survival that I am collateral damage. I hope if it comes to it DS can say no and we use professional care or institutions.

I think we will have to build more continuous care communities. They are common in the USA. Near me, there are plans for an 'aging well village' which provides housing for older people, with an integrated 'frailty hub'. So basically care and resources all on one site which you live on. I would like to live somewhere like that when I am older.

I have no children, and am an only child too, so no extended family. The idea of ending up all alone terrifies me. I am taking steps now to look at what might be available in the future and am building a dedicated savings pot to try and fund my older living arrangement.

I am quite often told by people on here and in real life that I am 'morbid', strange, obsessed with old age etc, but I think it's sensible to think about these things and to try to plan ahead.

I am sorry. That's such a difficult situation. I really don't know why people don't plan for old age. I know it's horrible to face your decline and inevitable death, but it comes to us all.

Wishing you all the best.

I think as well there is a lot of talk of families living closer but also there was much more support from within the community that people drew on. People knew their neighbours well, you had a family GP instead of just seeing the first doctor available, people went out to the shops and socialised in their communities so knew the people working in shops etc. People didn't solely use their family for support.

Funding is becoming scarce, I see this every year in my work and the services we can offer people get less and less. But also we can't just expect families or friends to pick up the slack. As someone said above, it's far too much for people who won't be retiring until their late 60s.

1 in four people of my age won't have children by the time they retire (or at least I think that's what the statistic is) and families are getting smaller too and people are living longer so there definitely needs to be a whole new model on elderly social care and how we make sure people are not isolated and supported.

The numbers are striking, though I’m now going to give a somewhat vague timescale - the number of over 65s has something like doubled, but the number of over 85s has quadrupled, I think in about 4 decades.

My family has always had a lot of long lived people but in past generations they either were already in institutions when very old, or were the sort of people who expected to employ servants. It does at least mean that the idea of paying for help from outside the family is normal - but I’m not sure how sustainable that is either.

I think we've reached this point because of the reliance of "the daughter or daughter in law popping round all the time". It's this reliance that it always seems to fall onto to woman any sort of care needs such as grandchildren, elderly parents and their own children and I think many woman (quite rightly) want more out of life.

I work in elderly social care and see far too often people (mainly woman) completely burnt out from juggling many roles such as simultaneously looking after elderly relatives/children/grandchildren and juggling careers. People are living much longer and with much more complex illnesses that didn't exist a few generations ago when we did rely more on families to support one another.

We have never been designed to rely on just our nuclear family with mum, dad and siblings for support and I think we're seeing more and more now how that is completely unstainsable. I'm not sure what the answer is for elderly care moving forward but the whole system needs completely looked at and overhauled.

20+ years ago there seemed to be more funding (or fewer elderly people too?!) and it was much much easier to get a funded place in residential care. Or in a kind of extra care development. I have several elderly relatives, now deceased, who moved from council housing to residential care. That meant family/friends (mostly not very local) could visit but there was none of the full on caring required. They would never have been eligible for that now, and would have ended up isolated and lonely stuck at home waiting for short carer visits to ping ready meals and everything falling through the cracks (who deals with the falls, the shopping, the house maintenance, the out-of-date food)?

I know there are good reasons behind wanting to keep people in their homes for as long as possible, but it only really works if there’s local family who get on and communicate in place to support it.

The same with pushing people out of hospital to “virtual wards “. All the electronic monitoring in the world doesn’t make up for lack of regular interaction with others, decent regular meals and having someone on hand 24/7 for when they do fall.

Which raises the question, what can be done? I think we need more continuous care communities like there are in the USA. You move into an independent living section whilst you are still fit and able and then move through the different levels of care, as and when / if needed. All this takes place on one site.

Problem is, these kind of communities are expensive and therefore won't be a solution for everyone.

You have summarised it really well, we are reaching I feel the first elderly generation who can’t rely on a daughter or daughter in law popping round all the time for the very reasons you have said, families no longer on the doorstep and social care of any kind very hit and miss.

Yes the making poor choices is ok as long as they have capacity... My father has made some truly utterly crap decisions that have had long lasting and utterly awful impact on him and me.... But still it seems hee was free to make these decisions as he was deemed to have capacity...

I used to be part of a team assessing capacity for various decisions...

I would say at the time he had fluctuating capacity at best...

Crikey, what sort of insurance would cover that?!?! What planet are these elderly parents on?!

Mine thinks you can take paid compassionate leave at the drop of a hat. To attend funerals of random acquaintances. To drive her to attend funerals of people she knew years ago. To do all the hospital appointments.

I don’t know if others have come up against this, but the move to having larger specialist hospitals further away causes chaos for accessing them if someone doesn’t drive. There’s an assumption that someone will drive them there.

Even if I wasn’t working I wouldn’t be able to do this because of the schoolrun!

I was meant to have "insurance" so I could not work and look after them!

My gran moved continents to be with my mum, did loads of childcare for me when i was little, and paid for a big chunk of the house we all lived in. So she might reasonably have expected care, but my parents said they couldn't cope and put her in a home.

My mum kept on trying to coerce me to be my Dad's carer. They lived an hour away and I had small children myself. Also they didnt help with childcare and certainly wouldnt have helped us buy a house.

Expectation isnt always based on what they've done for others!

Also many people thought they would die sooner. Although I think it’s dipped slightly over last couple of years, life expectancy over the past decade vast exceeds previous ones. It’s not unusual for people to live to late 80s/ early 90s either through a lot of medical intervention or because they have enjoyed a good diet , central heating ( apparently good for longevity) and a relatively stress free lifestyle.

People were able to look after their elderly relatives because they only needed looking after for a finite period of time. Now due to flu jabs and aggressive treatment for pneumonia etc. the unhealthy living period can go on for decades, particularly when well supported by an adult DC or two ( who likely won’t live as long themselves due to the stresses of caring whilst trying to work and look after their own family).

I think a lot of them, certainly looking at my elderly relatives, didn’t have to think
about what would happen to them once they reached retirement age, so it’s never occurred to them to think about the generation below or to have any idea how different it is.

Mine got either amazing final
salary pensions after retiring in their 50s or a good spouse’s pension or a state pension but guaranteed lifetime council tenancy. The sort of final salary pension that just turns up after a lifetime of working for one organisation. They don’t have multiple pension pots or had to regularly check in and make decisions about those pension pots. They didn’t have insecure tenancies or a mortgage into retirement. They haven’t moved jobs multiple times.

The maths doesn’t add up. In theory my “D”M knows that my retirement age will be not far off 70, but she can’t wrap
her head around that means I’ll be working until then. And therefore not available to her. She thinks I should give up work and my DH support me so that I can support her. But it takes two incomes to pay the mortgage.

Plus I’d far rather be at work than supporting her!

This is the sort of place I would like to move to myself in my old age. I think maybe the coming decades will see more of these kind of developments, as demand will growing as people have fewer children, and adult children become more and more busy and unable to support aging parents.

I agree, my DP can use Amazon, Temu and eBay with ease, but are not interested in learning online banking etc. It drives me nuts.

I am also acutely aware that my own DC is an only. I'm 45, but I will be doing everything in my power to ensure that the house is minimal, that I have will/POA/cleaners/gardeners and then care in place, and if not that than I have 10k for dignitas. There is no way that I am doing to my DC what my DP are doing to me.

We’ve got a really nice development about 8 miles from us in Corsham called wadswick Green - swimming pool, restaurant, the works , flats are lovely too - not remotely cheap ( about £480k and high service charge) but I can see why it would suit plenty of those with the cash wanting a bit of life still!

I have fortunately been able to financially help my parents in their retirement. They were immigrants with not enough years in the UK to receive full state pension and whilst they both have small private pensions it was just not enough when they both retired at 65. The condition of my assistance was that I purchased a property which would serve as my own retirement property one day (possibly with a rental period in between them occupying it and me). I have purchased a retirement unit in a largish estate with other retirees. It has honestly been the best thing for both of us. They are both involved in various clubs and committees and there is never a shortage of visitors or social functions. The village has a clear path for those needing higher and higher care and so should either of them need to move into a frail or high care facility the other would be close by. The amount of pressure that has been eased by me not having to worry about what they are up to each day is immense.

Im still not certain whether it’s my cup of tea for my own retirement but the unit can easily be sold as they are in high demand.

Im very much an outsourcer and feel fortunate to be able to afford it. My DSis is more nurturing than I am but I am more practical so I’ll rope her in when the emotional going gets tough 😂

My mother is expecting me to become her carer if need be, and definitely to take over the finances. My Dad currently does all the finances however if anything were to happen to him she would be clueless as it's all online. It frustrates me as she is perfectly capable of using the internet for leisure pursuits though and makes no effort to learn about online banking.

I'm really dreading what the future has in store for me. I am an only child. There is very limited wider family, and the only people we do have will rely on me too as they aren't the most capable either.

I myself have no children, so I'll have nobody to provide any support for me when I am older. All seems very unfair. It's a very heavy weight. I actually feel the enormity of it dragging me down everyday.