Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

Thank you @BlueLegume I have found “some” of my people you & others help me feel i am not alone

Exactly what the meant, I have a month old dgd she had a small procedure last week, nothing serious at all but no way would I tell my mum as she would stress, fret complain that it shouldn’t be happening. And in the much more serious situation you were in, no way would I have mentioned it to mine either. I would not have been her primary concern.

so sorry you had to deal.

That’s truly awful - so many people become incredibly self centred . A lot of young people are too but you kind of expect it, you would think with age they would realise others have lives to lead and worries that don’t involve them - but no . I am actually very lucky ( touching wood) my father in law at 86 is on his own but well and very self sufficient, doesnt have a carer or even a cleaner or gardener , does have his ironing done and that’s the extent of it - can’t do enough to help you or his grandchildren so long as it only involves him throwing money at an issue and will always buy in help if needed. Consequently i love him to bits and enjoy his company

@BlueLegume we have a very elderly relative (89) who sees himself as superior. Reads the Telegraph, has only ever been abroad twice when younger , has a broker on hotline, refuses to do any banking issues online at all - lives in a grotty council studio flat in a really grim area and is close to a millionaire, always talking about share prices etc, has no TV, speaks extremely posh - and actually has none to leave his money too apart from almost as elderly brother , never married - but yes he definitely has some kind of superiority ‘air’ about him - it’s totally bizzare - one set of my grandparents too were this way - definitely of the ‘oh we aren’t that sort of people’ my grandmother was very fond of the royal ‘we’ despite not having done a tap of paid work since she got married at 22

Oh yes things you’ve omitted to tell your elderly parents because it’s just not worth the hassle is a an entire thread in itself.

The tiny TV made me laugh.
The in-laws have always had delusions of grandeur, which although snobby I was happy to let them be them.
In the 'drawing room' they have the world's tiniest telly. The sofa, bought second hand 25 years ago, is now even lower to the ground. A low chair piled high with random cushions because no one can get out of it without the core strength of a pilates instructor. An open fire which they huddle around for warmth and blame childhood asthma for their chest problems.

I suggested they look at maybe a new chair, the horrer! Next thing it would look like an old folks home rather than sophisticated, imaginary place in their heads.
The place actually smells of damp, stale urine with a top note of lilies. It's uncomfortable for living a slowed down, aged life. TV too small, fire to complicated when you are tired, generating so much dust. Cluttered with tiny tables, rugs and a weird dining table to squeeze past. Trip hazards and no space for a walking frame.

Mil has always been snobby about everything so when she asked if we had an air- fryer, I did say no, that I always felt they were a bit council estate and we don't eat a lot of that food.
It was a tiny pay back for decades of judgy, Mitford style snobbery. They will sadly find life so much more complicated and hard then it needs to be.

Maybe you should throw the quote back about the sanctity of marriage next time F suggests you abandon your DH to look after them.

I think there are a few things that no one likes to admit - I do feel a lot of much older couples can’t actually stand each other but got past the point were divorcing seemed a viable or easy option and often there isa power disadvantage too whereby one person always speaks for the other - hence a lot of ‘we’ don’t want/dont like etc -and the other person not wanting disagreements simply doesn’t speak up - there are I think a lot of unhappy elderly couples about - and it’s not all health, weariness etc - quite often they realise ‘this is what I’m stuck with now’

@BlueLegume I think to be fair to my DPs their behaviour is caused by their dementia, and their minds are only able to work on a very basic level which doesn’t include understanding or trying to reduce the emotional impact on me.

I will be relieved once they are both in a home and will definitely be cutting back on the visits when I can, or maybe it won’t be so bad once it’s just visiting rather than running two households badly. It’s quite funny in a way that you’re visiting your DF weekly because you don’t want to let the nursing home staff down or have them think badly of you, I definitely worry about what people think of me. I know the cleaner thinks I should move in with them, because she did and then subsequently had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t work for a year when her DF died.

Its really hard to remember that I am a kind and decent person, but I just can’t cope with the demands of two stubborn DPs with dementia.

I’m so sorry for those of you that have always had difficult parents in this situation. It has been bad enough managing DM’s needs when the worst I could accuse her of is burying her head in the sand and being over optimistic in doing no planning once dad died. The rest I think is the inevitable consequence of age/dementia.

The more I read this board the more I am eternally grateful that my parents were fundamentally reasonable, considerate people. They had their moments like all of us, and dad could be a stubborn bugger. I recall once when I was young, mum commented on someone she knew that “she’d be sorry she didn’t have children when she’s old” which I don’t remember reacting to, but I obviously thought it was noteworthy enough to remember! However, mum’s own mother expected mum to do everything for her once she was widowed (at a younger age than I am now and in full health!). Such as shopping, laundry, cleaning, gardening. You will all know what that became like when grandma became infirm and her cognition declined. And since that point mum never ever said a word about expecting DB and I to care for them.

Yes it was the online shop that set me over the edge @BlueLegume.

DF no longer allowed to drive which is obviously the right and responsible thing to happen. Weekly shop to be arranged to come when cleaner is there, they miraculously agreed to extending her hours so she has time to help DF unpack. Except somehow it turned into WW3.

Housebound DM creates a list that a family of four would struggle to eat in a week, never mind a couple of geriatrics with poor appetites. As she is no longer able to get to the outdoor freezer she refuses to accept it’s already stuffed to the gills with gluten free loaves, fishcakes and the myriad of other things on her list ( plus also random items like philadelphia and occasionally Cif as DF unable to figure out where things should be). DF on the other hand is overwhelmed by the food in the fridge and thinks they need nothing- other than his special things that DM has deliberately not put on the list, but no when quizzed he can’t remember what any of these are, other than DM is deliberately withholding their purchase. Oh and he also likes an outing to the shops when DH or I visit so will make up some new items that he must have .

They then shout at each other for a while about it with DM remonstrating that I must buy everything on the list or I will have let her down. Last time I had to do this I ended up leaving the house sobbing in front of one of the carers. So all good fun.

The social worker gave me the option of putting them onto Wiltshire meals and my goodness it was tempting, but I knew they had tried them before and didn’t like them. Thankfully DH has taken over the weekly shop and takes less lip from them although I have no idea what state the festering fridge is likely to be in ( carers and cleaner both meant to check for and throw away out of date food, but tend not to bother).

Sorry @BlueLegume not terribly pertinent to your thread, but it’s amazing how something as innocuous as shopping becomes such a minefield, and how I have had to step away from it in order to preserve what’s left of my own sanity.

@BlueLegume that sounds awful. I agree about still seeking approval ;I wait for a kind word or some acknowledgement, but it never comes. That's just how she is, with nothing kind to say about anyone. Making up vicious things about neighbours etc.
It takes me ages to get over a visit. I have, before now, sat in the car and screamed loudly afterwards. Anyone would think I'd have learned by now that she will never change ( I'm in my 60s).

My brother in law told me this a few weeks ago about my mother. He spent no time at all with my MIL ( his mother) and yet saw fit to pontificate to me, who is doing all admin, shopping, myriad of hospital appointments, helping with gardening and cleaning, along with visiting, phone calls etc for my mother. I've been assisting with many things since my dad died over 30 years ago. No wonder I have multiple chronic illnesses, none of which she ever asks about/ acknowledges.

I should add my youngest was at nursery then just starting school at the time.🙄

I still roll my eyes at the "You'll be sorry you didn't spend more time with them when they DIE" posts. Folk have no idea!

Oh that’s really difficult Blue. This process for you has been so painful.
I agree that just ignoring it and refusing to engage on that topic is the only way. I find it sad (not being involved) that he’s unable to say ‘I wish I saw more of you,’ it’s all framed as being for your mother, and as a failure on your part as well, instead of being happy to see you. The idea that your own family is ‘a bit of fun’ to them, and they are the real part of your lives… it’s so limited and selfish - which he acknowledges on the surface I suppose.

I had similar. "D" m kept dropping in hints about me covering for carers and helping with DF's care which I 100% was not doing, ever. Id been a carer one summer and absolutely no way did I want to do care for my DF - in fact, the experience made me realise how completely unsafe it would be to do lifting, washing etc with no-one else capable present.

Mum once phoned me and told me that "I MUST be DF's carer now." I was a bit staggered so mumbled okay and got off the phone. I was really upset and in tears for the rest of the evening and DH pointed out it was all bollocks and not happening.

When I called her back the next day and said I wasn't going to be a carer she pretended the phone call the previous evening hadn't happened, I was really shocked and didn't pull her up because I'd been expecting an argument.

Then a few weeks later she started dropping hints again. It ended up just making me really angry which to an extent I still am - who the fuck are these people, that constantly put themselves first when they had their own resources, to think their own wants matter more than my kids, my husband, my household, my finances?

Mercifully my Dad was too ill to start parroting my Mum although I'm sure she had a good go at priming him.

Are you still talking to your Mum? I'd definitely cut back on the visits for a bit until you feel mentally in a better place. It's so hard to describe but the constant demands drove me into the ground.

You could always reverse this and have the conversation go like "Well, father, you and mum have had a good life and it's really time you move closer to me, so that if you need looking after, it's much more manageable for me and my lovely DH. I'm sure you want me to remain healthy and sane."

My DM has been known to say it's pointless having DC if they move away and don't help, when I've planned my entire life about rescuing her as her lack of planning isn't working out too well.

Can you visit less often @BlueLegume? Weekly is a lot to go through that.
Regardless of what age we are, there is I think always a tiny part of us seeking our DPs approval no matter how unreasonable or unpleasant they are as parents.
Many people don’t go through the torture of elderly incapable DPs and don’t understand why we aren’t all loving and grateful for the extra time with them. I feel so envious of them these days. DH is doing the majority of trips to mine as I literally cannot cope with it , so I have another bad daughter badge to berate myself with. In hour circumstances where your F is cared for and comfortable I must admit, I wouldn’t be going weekly.