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Elderly parents
Original poster

Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

265 replies

BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 08:15

I have had several threads on here and found lots of support for the most part. I won’t repeat my story at this stage but I had a real moment of clarity this week about the situation I have found myself in with my elderly parents.

It dawned on me that having left my hometown and my parents 40 years ago I have forged a life elsewhere, and a busy life at that. A life I love(d). I realised, stupidly, that I assumed my parents life was as busy as mine, and fulfilling. They certainly talked the talk about how busy they were.

What has emerged over the past years of having to be more involved with them from a crisis situation is that they really did not live life to the full, no hobbies, just miserable in each others company in a house they did nothing to other than hoard crap from the middle aisle at a well known supermarket .

They retired 30 years ago and seem to have done nothing to keep active even though they had the means to. My aunts and uncles in the same area seem to have lovely social lives and are thriving in old age. Mine always looked down on their peers as silly people ‘keeping busy for the sake of it’ - but it has meant they have kept their world more open.

Mine are now in a place they do not like, father in a nursing facility mother just unable to cope with anything.

Anyway my point I suppose is that I am not truly surprised. They could never cope with anything big decisions. My mother has always thrown a strop when she has not liked a situation and in the past we tended to all just do what she wanted so she never had to learn any coping skills. So no surprise she cannot cope with this phase of life. Over many years we have tried to listen to their moans and come up with solutions but they always knew better so frankly have ended up exactly in the mess of their own creation.

I have made significant changes in my life so that old age will be more manageable. I wish we could make this something we talk about more. I do not want to put my kids through what my parents have done to me. I am healing now but they definitely broke me with unreasonable expectations.

OP posts:
Chalices · 02/12/2025 09:28

This thread really resonates OP.

If you’ve not name changed I may go back and read your other threads?

I’ve recently come to the realisation how much ‘supporting’ my parents has in effect just enabled them, to all our detriments.

My hope in to help my own children become fully fledged adults, not and not to burden them in our own old age. Why is this different with my own parents?

My parents are very much a product of their own upbringing & hardships, however I would argue my childhood was worse than theirs in many ways and yet how have I got the insight to try to grow and yet not put the same expectation on them.

The resentment is real!

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:12

The best thing we have done is downsize. Means everything is brand new, we did a full refurbishment so will last us a good many years. Leaving our family home of many decades did not feel as emotional as I anticipated because I fell in love with our new place and now have a brand new everything all to my taste and super low maintenance but still in the same area.

OP posts:
Patchedsocks · 02/12/2025 09:09

This is exactly why I intend on ending it if /when my health or mind started taking a serious down turn. I have a chronic condition and won't reach life expentancy for a normal person anyway. H and kidults know my plans, they don't like it but I don't want to be dependant on them.
I have made my peace with it.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:07

@DierdreDaphne thanks! Actually you articulated what I wanted to say way better than I did.

I guess we are all a certain personality and that is not going to change in later life. So a sweet lovely outgoing person probably remains so even in old age. I see them in the nursing facility my father is in. He though whilst reasonably affable in social settings was always quite grumpy and sniffy about everyone and their wife. Always had a negative attitude and is just the same in old age. My mother was a crashing snob and that may well have been covering a fragile ego. She is just not able to cope and never has been with anything that is not her own way. She has over my lifetime alienated everyone she meets because she had to make sure they knew exactly what she thought of them. She told one of her neighbours his wife was having an affair because she got it into her head the man who came round every Wednesday ’seemed creepy’. this was years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 09:00

@EveryKneeShallBow well said. I am a hollow version of myself now. I have though made changes to my life so my children will not be burdened by ‘broken appliances’ that I have had to deal with all because my parents have refused to maintain their property. The appliances are never broken they just knew we would all panic when they rang saying this/that is broken, usually heating or the oven. We got to a stage the plumber/heating engineer refused to go out to them because he was simply on a fools errand.

OP posts:
DierdreDaphne · 02/12/2025 08:57

That's so depressing - but it sounds like their negative attitude and - spiritual laziness? (if that's not too overblown way of putting it) - has been there all along.

Your post is very wise, and it makes me even more appreciative of my own Mum who, though she does have her whingy moments, actually apologises for them. But more to the point despite some really difficult challenges during her life, has always been proactive about her own wellbeing, actively social and active in her community in numerous ways. And now in her 90s and pretty disabled, she still gets great pleasure from friend/neighbours and family visiting, and continues (a fair bit of the time, she ain't perfect!!) to be grateful for what she has.

I realise looking at my Mum that , partly from still having a dh at home, my own laziness /preoccupation with work has allowed me to become a bit socially disengaged (I'm not as naturally gregarious as Mum) . So I am learning from her and making more of an active effort to engage with my friends more regularly. So thanks Mum, and thanks @BlueLegume for this post!

EveryKneeShallBow · 02/12/2025 08:56

I have been thinking about this a lot, recently.

For better or worse I never had elderly parents or in laws. But I’ve seen what friends and posters here go through and it’s made me absolutely determined not to put my children in the position of having to put their lives on hold to look after me.

I never want them to make themselves ill or unhappy through obligation and I intend to do everything possible to keep that from happening.

PermanentTemporary · 02/12/2025 08:56

My mum put out a dating advert in her late 50s. I can guarantee she would have had several responses. She fell madly for one man, but he was married. She was his bit on the side (or one of them) for the next 25 years. Her life has been significantly worse because she chose to stay in that situation. But I’m sure that’s not how she would see it - it’s my perspective.

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 08:55

@PermanentTemporary absolutely. I reflect back and I feel like I have been the parent trying to advise and guide a child/teenager to make better choices and that I have failed. I know that is not true as their happiness is not my responsibility. Yes it is very emotional.

@Headyhead this thread is about the fall out not personal information so I am unsure why the questions?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 02/12/2025 08:45

It’s been such a process for you Blue. I think realising that your parents’ lives could have been different with small changes - but that they weren’t ever going to make those changes - can be quite emotional.

In the end we can only accept that people mostly do what they want to do, within the limits of their circumstances and upbringing.

Headyhead · 02/12/2025 08:44

So your dad in a care home

your mum living alone?

Original poster
BlueLegume · 02/12/2025 08:30

@Headyhead I saw them regularly. I interacted with them weekly if I couldn’t see them and when I retired I took them out for lunch regularly and had them at my home several times a year. I have posted previously about how difficult they were so won’t drag that up again.

I suppose my realisation has been that they just talked about how busy they were so didn’t have time to go to clubs/social events like their peers. They definitely did not like mixing with other people of their age and it has left them rudderless.

Not sure you need my age. I am the daughter of two very elderly people who have made no provision for coping in old age but let everything fall to their adult children. We have all had to step back as it has been a tough ride for many years.

OP posts:
Headyhead · 02/12/2025 08:22

You must be in your sixties?

how old are you parents?

Headyhead · 02/12/2025 08:21

I realised, stupidly, that I assumed my parents life was as busy as mine, and fulfilling. They certainly talked the talk about how busy they were.

how often did you see them in person?

Chazbots · 02/12/2025 08:18

Totally agree with lots of this.