Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

Oh my word - are you me - except handily for them, my DPs weren’t in the country when either of their respective DPs needed hands on caring. However they saw the example of one of our neighbours, poor widow propped up at home with the aid of the Scottish 4 free carers a day. I should have got my cues from the fact that latterly this was all the fault of their negligent adult DS who “should have put her in a home” and “only visited once a fortnight “. DM was particularly adamant that I should throw them into a home when it became difficult and DF keen to stress that they didn’t want to be a burden.

Well guess what’s happened. Both of them appear to have some form of dementia and Dm is bed-bound. They refuse any additional support - sometimes even if it’s free - but don’t seem to care that DH and I (only DC) are crippling ourselves doing the two hour return drive to help them. DF goes on about inheritance but isn’t compos mentis enough to understand that their intransigence around care is effectively stopping me from making a decent living.

It has taught me that words are cheap, it’s actions not intentions that matter. I intend to get a cleaner long before I absolutely need one and identify potential care solutions. Someone in another thread had suggested writing a letter whilst in full faculties and I would like to do that too, to tell DS that genuinely he must not put his life on hold for us. I hope I manage to follow through. If my DPs were in full possession of their faculties, I like to think they would be shocked by what they are doing to me, DF maybe not so much he has always been selfish but DM for sure.

I agree with this - I will see my parents, DM will go over again how terrible it was that she had to care for both parents (not entirely true but that's another story) and how she will never put the same burdens on us. The next day I will get 3-5 texts either in work time or in the later evening asking me to do several different things for them from popping over to dust because they sacked the cleaner to going to a specific shop to pick up a specific item. If I say no, I get the kind of faux disappointment a 9 year old might show when they have not been given the answer they wanted. It's infuriating.

I think you that one of worse parts of growing up is when you realise that your parents have made poor life choices and made everything much harder for their children. My DP wont do anything about anything and everything will end up being my problem to sort out. Their quality of life could be massively improved by making some good choices now. They will also complain about whatever happens next, like your DF, if he had looked into care options maybe he wouldn’t be in one that he hates so much?

I’m 50 and already looking at downsize planning for 65, I won’t put my DC Through this shit.

I’ve lost a huge amount of respect for my parents and have significantly reduced contact.

My parents (mainly my Mum) put their lives on hold to care for elderly relatives and, because of this, always swore that they would never be a burden to me and my siblings.

They are now in their 80s. Dad is in the early stages of dementia. Mum keeps having bad falls. And...they are not doing anything to help themselves! They see themselves as 'not that bad' - but every week there is some crisis that needs addressing. They are rapidly becoming the burden they never wanted to be, but don't seem to recognise it ☹️

Yes I look at what my parents are doing and have made changes to my life now, mainly losing weight and trying to keep active as my dad has completely lost all motivation to keep active and now doesn't have much of a life as he refuses to use mobility aids despite the fact that they would increase his quality of life.

Like he can't even go for a very slow wander round the town centre, or to a farmers market, but wont consider a motorised mobility scooter, or even a walking zimmer type frame. My mum is tearing her hair out as she wants to go out and do stuff, but he isn't able. He also cant get moving in the morning so if I invite them to ours they'll often not make it till mid afternoon. As in, he doesn't get out of bed till mid morning, then spends an hour getting breakfast, 2 hours to shower and dress then an hour on his phone etc. Its a shame for my mum, but she also refuses to go out and do things alone, we've suggested things like volunteering at a charity shop, or joining the local WI, or taking up yoga

I do sometimes ponder if I expect people of their age to have the wisdom of a long life of experience. I have concluded that my mother is just a stroppy and sulky teenager who has never grown up

This, in a nutshell. My mum says herself that the happiest time of her life was when she was fifteen, and I think she’s somehow resisted maturing much beyond that age. She prides herself on being ‘silly’ and frivolous and impractical, and leaves all the difficult choices and mundanities of life to other people. The worst thing is that it isn’t unconscious; she recognises this and prides herself on being the ‘Edina’ to my ‘Saffy’ - chides me for being boring and planning ahead for things, rather than lurching from crisis to crisis as she does. Also makes fun of me for choosing to volunteer in our local community (which I do as much for my own wellbeing as for other people’s as I genuinely enjoy it) - she is massively misanthropic, has no inner life and cannot find any small joys in life beyond material things and her own tiny nuclear family.

When I had my own child I was (probably naively) hoping for a few nuggets of wisdom on parenting but there was nothing - she has forgotten most of the details of our childhoods, beyond telling me what a nightmare my brother and I were and how much she dislikes ‘kiddy stuff’. As a grandparents is an annoying mix of clingy (wants to see DD regularly) and disinterested (not up for any childcare; won’t play with DD or listen properly to anything she says; talks over her and about her while she’s listening). Whenever we see her as if DD has been booked in with an audience with the Dowager Duchess.

It is both depressing and reassuring to find so many others have had similar experiences! I wish you all the very best @BlueLegume.

Good to hear from you @BlueLegume.

The last time I heard from mine (because she won't leave me in peace), she sent me a message saying I should work with her to provide support for my sister who had cancer.

Funnily enough this involves one of DM's favourite activities, everyone going to a family event. This traditionally has involved much guilt tripping to get people involved, sulking if people can't make it, and determined efforts to create a scene at the event itself. Often by winding a victim up until they snap or get upset.

Also there must be many photos taken so she can e-mail them to relatives to demonstrate how popular she is, although I only discovered the extent of this fairly recently.

I think she just wants me there so she can pretend everything is ok, when my sister was going through surgery she sent us a text message on the day of a big operation demanding we... went to see her for a family event. Even although my sister had already said she wasn't going to be able to travel or do much after the op.

I've definitely found things a lot easier without having to go to these things!

It's so sad your parents lived their lives this way - and also how it has negatively impacted on your own life.

It's a hard and difficult one - coping with ageing and the practicalities. Does anyone get it completely right? - probably not, but there are degrees of taking preemptive action to minimise the fallout for both yourself and your adult children.

I was lucky with my parents - they had a lovely cottage which, thanks to my Mum, was kept in good order regarding functioning heating, appliances, etc. They were active and had friends in the village - indeed they met one for lunchtime drinks every day! In the couple of years after Mum died I employed a housekeeper to keep an eye on Dad while I was at work, and someone in the village was only too happy to cultivate their large garden in return for giving him the use of a large veg plot. The dear friend still met my Dad for a drink every day too - very loyal. My brothers and I cleared out the house in a couple of days after his death.

Now we're at the beginning of this stage - gulp - early 70's. We've tried to think ahead - my daughter asked us to move nearer when she had her children, so we used it as an opportunity. We swapped our old (albeit very updated and up-together) cottage with a large garden to a modern house with a small garden. This was done in our mid-60's just before Covid struck. Most importantly we're 30 minutes from our daughter. We're at the stage still where we do things for them, childcare, etc. and long may that continue.

I however realise how much stuff I've accumulated just in the few years since our move - so I need to start divesting myself of it. As my daughter is an only child I don't want her to find it too burdensome when the inevitable happens.

But with the best will in the world, it will still be a four bed house with every room utilised and furnished.

It's not easy fitting into a new community either, but we've lovely neighbours who we see and also my husband volunteers at the nearest cathedral. As my daughter's not working at the moment I see plenty of her too. I'm very relieved to be near her obviously.

@BlueLegume I got a great deal of satisfaction from decluttering and sorting paperwork. I started looking at things I’d kept for years and thinking “Will the boys want them?”
for example I had a very old tea service that had belonged to my parents, it lived in an old cabinet which didn’t fit in our new house. I’ve kept 2 cups/saucers/plates, the rest went to a local farm shop who use vintage crockery in their cafe. Lovely to see it being used. Furniture went to BHF and Emmaus.
I spent last weekend sorting through my old school books and career stuff, kept the important stuff but filled the recycling bin with the rest!
It’s liberating.
although I don’t have elderly parents or in laws, I do have 2 elderly sister-in- laws, both single no children, both hoarders, both living in unsuitable, in maintained houses, so we wait for the inevitable crisis and I read the Elderly Parents board in anticipation!
💐 to all of you coping with this

Sounds so difficult. My own parents didn’t retire til their 70s, and led a very active life after - far more social and busy than mine! They had just come back from a road trip to Madrid (they lived part time in Spain) when my father had a stroke from which he never recovered. My mother was adamant that she would not be a burden to us and often said so. Fortunately she had the means to have private home carers, which eventually became 24 hours. She was able to be in her own home until the end, and everything was ship shape - a lifetime of moving countries and she had not many possessions but of high quality. Her affairs were all in order.
My life is not quite so ordered but I have long thought I need to do that death cleaning - sort my crap out so my kids don’t have to.

Thank you @BlueLegume(and other posters) for such a thoughtful thread, full of wisdom and insight. I suspect I am a bit younger than many of you (mid-40s with an 8 year old) but I can see that my life is heading for the same trajectory as many of yours, with elderly parents in deep denial about the realities of ageing and hellbent on making poor, impulsive, expensive decisions against all advice to the contrary. DP and I are determined to avoid anything remotely similar for DD (especially as she’s an only child) and are already planning for our future very carefully, learning from my parents’ mistakes.

My own mother sounds incredibly similar to yours @BlueLegume; I strongly identify with your descriptions of the lack of outside interests and terminal boredom (with simultaneous disdain for those who are ‘joiner inners’), need for constant drama, learned helplessness (can’t fill a car with petrol; can’t withdraw money from a cash machine), struggles with fading looks and shopping/hoarding obsession. My parents’ house is immaculate- their pride and joy - but their loft, fridge-freezer and every cupboard and drawer is filled to overflowing with ‘stuff’ - bulk bought snacks; ornaments; linen that’s never been used, boxes and boxes of Christmas tat… I suppose some of it must be the fallout from a relatively impoverished childhood (they are very much ‘working class made good’ and are now pretty wealthy) but I really struggle with my mum’s constant efforts to palm a lot of this stuff off on me when she gets tired of it (thus freeing up space for new stuff), the sheer waste of it all, and her judgment/dismissal of the things that others choose to spend money on. They have frittered so much money away on ‘stuff’ and on continually remodelling their already pristine, show home-style house that despite hefty pensions there are no savings and no contingency funds for emergencies like medical issues, vets’ bills and ‘boring’ home maintenance.

We current live very near my parents but are in the process of relocating an hour’s drive away for schooling, space and lifestyle reasons. My parents have intermittently expressed a desire to follow us (they blow hot and cold on this) but while we’re very happy to facilitate their move we are also wearily conscious that they won’t approach it in a sensible, rational way and will inevitably make life very difficult for everyone - already my mum has been sending me Rightmove links to 5 bedroom, three storey executive houses with an acre of garden that she ‘might go and view’. My parents are 80 and 87, and there is absolutely no way they are downsizing any time soon; they are extremely status conscious and would see this as a huge humiliation.

I am constantly torn between a nagging sense of duty and an urge to help them, and the stark knowledge that really they are beyond help as they will insist on making decisions that damage their own wellbeing. Reading this thread has been very instructive and has made me more confident in trusting my own instincts while accepting that ultimately my parents will be the architects of their own future.

My mother talked about leaving my father for 30 years. I wish for both of their sakes she had been brave enough to do so. They couldn't have been more unhappy apart than they were together.

I had a laugh at your 8 buckets point but do entirely know what you mean@BlueLegume .

My parents had whole drawers full of all the specs and false teeth(!!!!) they'd ever owned and, when we cleared the loft, we took out 7 broken toasters and 9 dead vacuum cleaners.

I don't know if the inability to let things go is a sign of misery or if misery makes people hold on to material things, however useless they are.

Look after yourself OP. You sound lovely.

I completely understand your position @BlueLegume

I’m a bit younger than you but in the middle of the teens and elderly parents sandwich. We have already made decisions that in the next 5-10 years, DH and I will sell up. Downsize to a property/area that will make our lives easier in our 70s and 80s. Not weigh us down with stuff to do and an old house to maintain. I think it is important to be proactive in your 50s and 60s to create the best possible life for yourself in later years.

I see so many elderly people whose homes work against them rather than work for them. My MIL was like it. Desperate to stay in the family home which was too big, too cold, too much of a weight around her neck. And full of stuff that we had to sort after she passed.

Nope, that’s not for me and luckily, DH is on board. Thank goodness.

My parents were like this OP. I spent my 40s basically parenting them, cancelling holidays because of their crises, trying to encourage them to look after themselves and enjoy their golden years. All to no avail. All they did was smoke, hoard and moan about everything, including each other. The weren't even very old.

When my mum died it became clear my dad was both incapable of looking after himself and a bitter man who upset and backstabbed even the kindest people who tried to help him. It ate my life. Calls whilst I was at work asking basic domestic stuff, "How do I wash a dressing gown?" "How do I make stew?" and a house becoming more run down by the day.

One day I had to get a gas engineer in because I could smell gas. The poor guy went white as a sheet when he told me the cooker was plumbed in wrong and gas had always been escaping - for years. How catastrophe had been avoided he didn't know. My parents always had a little man/wrong un in to do work rather than pay a proper rate.

The sheets were threadbare, the carpets the same, the garden overgrown and full of old stuff and the whole house hoarded to the roof.

Some people don't own themselves and for the people around them that is life limiting.

Both dead now. The freedom is intense. Since they died someone said to me "You can only lead your own life". I wish I had heard that phrase 30 years ago.

All the threads on here about having to go to parents for Christmas and not wanting to. In my experience the kindest thing you can do for adult children is have a fulfilling independent life yourself and say, "You enjoy your Christmas your way this year darlings, we're renting a cottage for two in deepest Wales." Let them live and live fully yourself.

I've learned the lesson my parents never did. I've downsized to a dot of a cottage in a tiny garden, I am clutter free, and keep very busy and active.

Love to everyone who is going through this.

You’ve touched on so many interesting things. Your mother’s hyperbole- Some people, including my mother, are only at ease when there is chaos. Perhaps they grew up in chaos and shouting and drama. I’ve realised that no matter how much I fix, how much I help, how much I facilitate, she will always be unsatisfied, there will always be another drama. She creates it, subconsciously.

She feels at ease when she is helpless in a sea of drama, with people running around fixing it for her. It can’t be avoided by anything I say, do or organise.

I had to accept when my mum was borderline abusive to my dying Dad, that he had chosen her and his mantra for 70 years had been ‘don’t upset her, keep her happy’. The life he had at the end was the one he had engineered. We live with our choices and we don’t necessarily want to be rescued from them.

So, recognising the autonomy of people whose choices have been appalling is hard. But it is their choice and they are living the life they want even if they claim otherwise.

I now live the life I choose- one where I spend longer than I want pandering to a dramatic elderly woman, but sleep with a clear conscience.

What scares me most about the future is that DH is not on the same page as me.
I will quite happily move to assisted living and probably a care home if needed. I like company and being looked after and having some activities on tap.
He says he wants to be independent as long as possible and doesn’t want carers. It’s history repeating itself and I never want DS to have to do what I am doing or feel about us the way I now feel about my DPs.

I could have written this post!
Having watched a few friends give up their own lives in their 60’s to look after their parents, I’m determined that my sons won’t have to do it for me.
We moved house almost 2 years ago, in our late 60’s, to be nearer to them - not in their pockets but a 25 minute drive instead of 2.5 hours. DH didn’t want to move and in the end I gave him an ultimatum, either we move or we divorce, sell the house and he can live where he likes! He moved.
We have renovated the house and garden, and made it easy to maintain. I’ve done a huge amount of decluttering, sorting out paperwork and old photos. The charity shops have done well. The boys know where the paperwork is.
I think it’s just so selfish to expect your adult children to sort it out because you haven’t.
I’ve seen your posts before @BlueLegume, best wishes to you 💐🍷

Ha similar! My mum put so much value on women’s looks, she was very beautiful but I’m objectively very much not - her attitude really affected my self esteem until I grew old enough not to give a shit.

She has not aged well - heavy smoker and ‘functioning’ alcoholic. No friends, no interests other than her house and her children’s achievements.

The old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
This saying sums up my mother and her stubbornness 🙄
She would never listen as she always thought she knew best, especially when advised from those who were younger than her. 🤦‍♀️
She very rarely admitted fault, and wanted to be a matriarch, even at the detriment of her own health. 😔

I don't know if it was her upbringing or her personality. But she met someone else after my dad passed away in her later years and was happy, but not healthy (he was a drinker, and she joined him) and that sowed the seeds of her health going south. 😟

She apologised to me before she passed away. I nearly fell over (from surprise) when she said sorry. 😨

I will never put my child through the same. I will hopefully learn from her mistakes 🙏

Sending support 💐 @BlueLegume