Two worlds colliding - the perfect storm

This is just in case it helps anyone else with similar parents, but we had a couple of unpleasant surprises with finances that came out after my Dad died.

Firstly, mum had, a few years ago, cancelled a life insurance policy. She had mentioned she was cancelling this "because the financial advisor said to tell my children" but didn't reply when I asked what it covered. It turned out that the remaining life insurance policy wasn't enough to cover the funeral, which was by no means elaborate, by quite a long way. She then got me to pay for a couple of funeral related things and tried to weasel out of paying me back (part of a long pattern of avoiding paying back expenses).

I also found out that a luxury item with ongoing costs that my parents had bought and had stopped using years ago had actually been bought on credit. This was when I still lived at home as a kid and was struggling to afford sanpro and clothes.

I wasn't expecting to inherit much from my Dad, I thought he'd have left a small amount of cash like £100-200 or so, or one of the ornaments he'd collected, which were unusual but I don't think worth that much, but had sentimental value.

However, we got sent a somewhat vague signed list of items to be distributed, with a year on it (the year Dad went really downhill) and no other date. Which had Dad's hobby items that I don't think Mum wanted to keep.

We got one nice but low value item which was apparently earmarked for one of my two kids, and a box of one type of item related to another hobby no-one in my household does, that wouldn't let anyone actually take up the hobby without significant extra spending (think 2 pairs of old ski boots with no skis or other equipment).

Everyone else in the extended family got stuff from Dad's hobbies, but didn't really match with their own interests.

I think a lot of this was so she could tell people she was dividing Dad's possessions but it was so odd, with no thought to what enjoyment people were going to get out of the items.

I was pretty upset about the whole thing at the time particularly as my Mum decided I'd be so grateful that she'd contact me and tell me I needed to start going to family gatherings again.

I'm more sanguine about it all now, it did feel really shitty at the time though.

Sorry for the ramble!

@JumpLeadsForTwo i really wish DM would let go of the tech. It’s very hard to assist her, long distance!
As for the funeral point… I often find myself mentally writing Mum’s eulogy, mentioning her determination, attention to detail and high standards and various other qualities that sound good on paper but add up to being a bit of a nightmare to live with!

Keeping up with technology is not always a positive- DM had embraced iPhone/ iPad use, but it has been a nightmare (and caused huge arguments at times) with scammers and trying to keep her safe along with keeping track of spending on the latest supplement/ clothes which all needed returning when she really had no insight 🤦‍♀️

The similarities are uncanny. We are building a beach house an hour away. Somewhere for my DH and I to spend weekends and downtime and eventually retire there ourselves. It’s no mean achievement in our family and we have done very well for ourselves, we are proud and have worked hard. Mention the beach house to my dad as a topic of conversation (you would think as someone previously involved in the construction industry would be interested) and all he can say is ‘well we will get to see even less of you now’… conversation shut down.

It seems to be a common theme that parents have made an assumption that an adult child will essentially become their carer in later life, but this has never been communicated (so no opportunity to say no before the event).
It has become very clear that my parents assumed that as 'the sensible one' I would do anything they needed as they got older. So now instead of acknowledging everything I do for DM, she is annoyed with me for not meeting her expectations of how things would be. It seems like every time I see her I am told that 'other people have family that do everything for them' or 'Doris's daughter moved in with her you know'.
Infuriatingly, Mum also refused to keep up with technology (despite using computers every day in their work) on the basis that Dad would use e-mail/internet if absolutely necessary but wherever possible they'd do things the old fashioned way. DM has had problems with her vision for a while and for years people have been suggesting technology that will help her to be more independent (eg. voice activated messaging, apps to read texts to her, audiobooks etc). She always refused because she said she didn't need it and Dad helped her. So now that she is alone and not in a position to learn new skills, she needs help with lots of things that she could have managed for herself if she had learned when it was suggested to her. It doesn't seem like a big thing, but on top of all everything else she needs help with it's exhausting.

I also have to say that in my 20s I probably, wrongly, thought every ones family was mostly clustered around normal which was normal for my upbringing. There were a few rogues, very enmeshed or noncontact but most were see your parents because they were annoying but they love you. Blah, blah. Blah.

But as you get older you realise the spread of normal is huge and the number of pretty awful parent child relationships is phenomenal. So now in my 50s I certainly treat all glowing or dismissive grandparent tales with scepticism. I listen between the lines for the duty visits, the disappointment, the golden child portrayal. And particularly at many funerals there's a lot politely left unsaid. Not everyone is fooled.

@HoraceGoesBonkers I never mention the terrible often replaced household appliances, how did you know?

I do love the 'we will be better' sentiment running through this thread. We will age magnificently, we have a choice and we choose with warmth, humility and self reflection.

We always find so many similarities on these threads it's unreal! Mine also had delusions of grandeur, mega uncomfortable old furniture, and would buy really shitty household appliances that would often had to be replaced quite quickly as it broke or didn't work.

I realised fairly recently that many of the times my parents had been apparently mindlessly rude were actually so they could portray themselves in a more positive light to their peers.

So being total arses both time I gave birth was so they (particularly my mum) could appear to be involved grandparents, being snide about my house and car was so I'd get versions they could boast about, making nasty comments about photos I'd sent them was because she wanted more impressive ones to share with her friends and relatives, etc etc.

I think some of it stems from them moving countries before I was born (my Mum moaned endlessly about living here) and wanting to appear to be more successful than they actually were, as well as being well behind their peers financially because of travelling around a lot.

I was also pretty staggered that I was meant to be their old age help despite no discussions or plans.

I don't speak to my Mum anymore at all. I had been feeling a lot better about it since realising the motivating factor was her public image. However, I had to go to a family funeral last week and, despite being told repeatedly to leave me alone by various people over the last 18 months, my Mum kept trying to sit next to me so it looked normal...

“You’ve had your fun with DH”?! Is it some kind of teenage and / or holiday romance?! Your marriage sounds a hell of a lot more credible than their marriage. Even if it wasn’t, who are they to judge!

Their attitude has nothing to do with dementia, just sounds like entitlement that’s been reinforced by getting older and this increasing their beliefs it’s ALL about them. I would be going super low contact with your mum, dad and brother

It does depend on your job though, @Sofasu . They were in use in my workplace, as a teacher (though only one in the corner of the classroom). They weren’t in lots of other workplaces- factory workers, carers, electricians etc. I have friends in their late 50s who didn’t use them at all at work and so didn’t use them at home. They find a phone is enough, and email is a challenge. The kind of people who have a single family email address- SarahJimSmith1968@etc.

Anyway. I’m working hard on my health and mind to avoid becoming my mum. She keeps trying to get me to sell her absolute rubbish preloved valuables. All the bad behaviour described so far, and more. Keeping Up Appearances is in no way funny when it’s your life 😬

@BlueLegume please remember that your highly trained desire for approval is not working for you anymore, the rules have changed. You are in a stronger position now, you’re no longer the dependent child subject to their tirades. You don’t have to be polite.
You can say, ‘Don’t be silly Dad, why would I do that?!’. ‘Oh Dad you are funny. I won’t be doing that.’

You don’t have to be nasty, but you certainly don’t need to show deference.
‘Don’t be ridiculous you’re showing yourself up.’ may even be called for.

The speed of tech changes are a problem. My DH is 76. He worked at the cutting edge of technology all his life so had a head. start. He's kept pretty much up to date and knows everything there is to know about computers but even so he gets flummoxed by a smartphone sometimes.
@funnelfan My mother did the same. She and dad went to classes in using computers. It meant that as she became housebound she could keep in touch, play games on her iPad and so on. She would have been 90 this year.

I do get frustrated with people my own age (67) who don't keep up. Computers were in common use 30-40 years ago and smartphones were everywhere long before I retired.

Absolutely agree on the technology front. DF had a manual job, but when he retired he went to classes to learn how to use a computer. He was able to email, Skype and shop at amazon and kept touch with his kids and grandkids. He tried to show DM how to do it but she’d refuse. DM wouldn’t even learn how to read her texts on her Nokia brick phone 20 years ago. DF used to do the crossword in his newspaper every day and say you had to keep your brain active and use it or lose it. Even after his strokes when he couldn’t write very well.

DM is the one that ended up with dementia. Entirely anecdotal and I’m not sure whether cause or effect - was her reluctance to learn a very early symptom of her dementia 15 years ahead of her cognitive decline? Will never know but I still do my daily Wordle and nag DH to keep up with technology.

@BlueLegume yes technology is moving forward at a startling rate. I do get frustrated with some relatives in their 60s who still communicate by email and refuse to embrace more modern methods (even Facebook messenger which is hardly cutting edge) and are apparently unable to sort out esims when they come over here ( too difficult to understand apparently, is easier to make me their mode of communication). They act like little old ladies when they are far from that age and are intelligent, capable people.

I feel we really need to stay on top of these things to be able to communicate and function in todays world, otherwise we will be completely
lost once we get into our 70s/80s. I mean we may be anyway due to health issues, but we shouldn’t make ourselves a barrier when it’s within our gift to keep up to date with technology.

Apart from Instagram - I did join it but can’t make head nor tail of it, work of the devil.

Really interesting to see others experiences. My dad moved in to assisted living as his knees had gone. Clearing that house in a short space time when the place became available was crazy. He didn’t want to part with anything. wires, empty boxes, out of date food. He wasn’t even that old 71. We really stressed him out but it was tough we were all working fulltime too.

Im so so glad he is there though he has much better quality of life. He does need more help as his knees are fucked but it’s so much easier in a new build flat with less clutter and he also has more social life then for a long time. Even though he didn’t want a flat.

It does resonate though how easily the roles have switched. Luckily he isn’t too stubborn or too awkward atm but it is defo there in some degree sometimes.

Its funny reading this because as a childfree couple we always get the line well who will look out for you, look after you blah blah. Well i wouldn’t want the stories im reading even if i did: so i prepare. We are keeping ourselves fit and active in our forties and beyond including our minds. The house will be older person ready by time we retire aith no major works needed and if needed we can move/downsize. We will have saved money for care etc: No one knows what their old age will look like so we should be prepared.

I read this the other day - just like you are saying - experteditor.com.au/blog/k-bt-i-watched-my-boomer-parents-grow-lonelier-after-retiring-because-they-never-built-a-life-outside-work-here-are-7-things-im-doing-differently/experteditor.com.au/blog/k-bt-i-watched-my-boomer-parents-grow-lonelier-after-retiring-because-they-never-built-a-life-outside-work-here-are-7-things-im-doing-differently/

Oh this was me 10yrs ago, and unfortunately it’s all gone downhill! Now with dementia, DM is even more difficult and has distanced herself from everyone/ everything so her world is now extremely small. Struggling with finding the right care options as she has no insight/ doesn’t want to see how much she needs support/ relies on me and DSis and I really can’t give any more.

The in-laws are coming in a fortnight and it's panic stations here.
DH is convinced it might be their last trip, understandable they are 89 and 87 are have aged rapidly in 18 months. It requires a full team of siblings to drive and host and reorganise for stops along the way.
The full range of grand children are hitting a-levels, mocks, uni dissertation, so February is actually timed for maximum inconvenience plus the stress of none of us living in particularly warm houses. And we've just seen each other at Xmas.
Growing old is a bugger, I vow to remember just how complicated work and leave and juggling everything is if I reach that stage.
Suddenly loads of odd jobs we have lived happily with for years are being prioritised. So I am trying to see the positive.
I will need to hide my air fryer, the fish fingers and continue to not mention I grew up on a council estate.

@BlueLegume
Ah the TV!

My dad swears that he could live without a TV… he doesn’t watch it, it’s absolute nonsense and they only have one because my mother likes to watch mindless rubbish. He likes to think he is far more righteous and sophisticated than he actually is.

When caught off guard he will be overheard talking about the cricket score or the latest Yellowstone episode. He knows a lot for someone who is above being a slave to the TV…

Totally sympathise with all of you with self centred elderly parents and the delusions of grandeur. My parents always knew better than anyone else and had some odd things they felt they were too good for. Even when they were quite young they considered up to date entertainment tech to be very low brow and frivolous (we were the last people I knew to get a video player) and considered it very common to have the TV on unless you specifically tune in for a particular programme. So even when they were both retired and not fit enough to do much they refused to watch TV in the evenings unless there was something they'd seen in the TV times and planned to watch. Even though they eventually had to get a TV that had on demand TV as an option they refused to use it, as they don't want to be the sort of people who watch endless TV. Instead they would sit all evening talking about their ailments, medication and the neighbours. Now that DM is alone she still won't watch TV in the evening other than Coronation Street, but will call me and complain she's bored. We have set up TV with a watch list of programmes and films she will like but she refuses to watch them because she's 'too busy'.
The combination of refusal to do anything to entertain herself, and lack of consideration for anyone else, means she calls me every evening (even if I have been with her all day) and wants to talk at great length about her medication and when her next appointment is. If I don't tell her I have to leave she will give me a blow by blow account of when she took each pill today (including where she was, what she was thinking about, changing her mind because maybe it was before I thought I might have a cup of tea later, or did I think about tea first?), what each one is for, what the dosage is, what dosage her other family members take, what the 'rules' are for each one (she reads the instructions repeatedly), when the next prescription is due, when she had the last one etc etc. If I tell her I have to go she asks when I will have time to speak to her then, even if I've been with her all day and already spoken to her for ages. A few weeks ago, both my DC had a sickness bug and I told her I had to go because one of them was throwing up and calling for my help. Her response? 'Oh yes, you don't tell them to wait and come running when I don't feel well do you? You'd be happy for me to just curl up and die.'