MIL learned helplessness, FIL enables

Presumably if this is the case, then all the bank accounts, utility bills etc and so forth are in FIL's name only. She literally won't be able to do a thing if he passes away so the first thing to do is to get POA in place for both and sort things out so that when he does eventually pass on, probate can be executed quickly and she will have sufficient funds in her own name to be able to cover bills.

Then it's likely to be assisted living. That's the reality unless you think your husband is planning to run around sorting every little thing to the detriment of his own family. You need to sit him down and make gentle concerned enquiries and message this isn't sustainable long term. She's not suddenly going to become capable of any of it at 70 if she's avoided it thus far and her children need to start managing her expectations assuming the funds are not available to provide her with a driver/gardener and housekeeper/administrator.

Different now as most homes two out working. So nobody can take it on long term. You lucky if a parent is independent though

@Philandbill women have always had to do as the women in my and your families did, maybe it was working class women who had to stretch the budget and make sure that the bills were paid, the children fed and clothed etc. when family allowance was introduced Eleanor Rathbone insisted that it was paid to the mothers who would use it for the children, rather to the father's as some fathers would use it on other things.
I've known women older than me (but younger than my mum) who were not allowed by their husband to learn to drive, and I imagine has they rebelled and learned anyway, they wouldn't have been allowed to drive his car anyway.
It can sometimes be control for sure

My Dad says ‘minded’ in that context, too. He’s a Dublin man.

I don’t know why that posted 3 times. My phone keeps doing that.

I don’t know why that posted 3 times. My phone keeps doing that.

My MIL is a bit like this. My FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a lovely home.
But, for years she has let FIL do everything.
She could drive, she learned in her 40s, and loved the independence it gave her.

But, for the past 25 years, FIL has done all the driving, and now that she has to drive again, understandably, (at 80), it’s really tough for her. Motorway driving is a no-no, which is also understandable.

But my husband and siblings don’t help by still babying her, as though she couldn’t possibly (with practice, and some supervision) drive to Waitrose (up the road), or mow the very small lawn.

Poor FIL had been masking his dementia for a long time, we know that now, and had some fairly serious financial difficulties.
MIL was fully aware of this and just let it drift, until my husband accidentally found out what had happened.
They were still paying insurance for phones they no longer had, had 3 credit cards maxed out, and paying the minimum payment for each one. It just went on and on, the more my husband delved into it.
They were basically a gnats wing away from bankruptcy, and MIL still just let ‘Dad’ deal with it. My husband had to take ‘her’ credit card away, cos she treated it like free money, and just used it willy-nilly.
The credit card that she promised not to use anymore, since the other 3 were maxed out.
She knows how they work, she’s not a buffoon, but, yep, let ‘Dad’ sort it out.

There are absolutely no cognitive impairments for her. She’s as sharp as a tack, actually.

My MIL is a bit like this. My FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a lovely home.
But, for years she has let FIL do everything.
She could drive, she learned in her 40s, and loved the independence it gave her.

But, for the past 25 years, FIL has done all the driving, and now that she has to drive again, understandably, (at 80), it’s really tough for her. Motorway driving is a no-no, which is also understandable.

But my husband and siblings don’t help by still babying her, as though she couldn’t possibly (with practice, and some supervision) drive to Waitrose (up the road), or mow the very small lawn.

Poor FIL had been masking his dementia for a long time, we know that now, and had some fairly serious financial difficulties.
MIL was fully aware of this and just let it drift, until my husband accidentally found out what had happened.
They were still paying insurance for phones they no longer had, had 3 credit cards maxed out, and paying the minimum payment for each one. It just went on and on, the more my husband delved into it.
They were basically a gnats wing away from bankruptcy, and MIL still just let ‘Dad’ deal with it. My husband had to take ‘her’ credit card away, cos she treated it like free money, and just used it willy-nilly.
The credit card that she promised not to use anymore, since the other 3 were maxed out.
She knows how they work, she’s not a buffoon, but, yep, let ‘Dad’ sort it out.

There are absolutely no cognitive impairments for her. She’s as sharp as a tack, actually.

My MIL is a bit like this. My FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a lovely home.
But, for years she has let FIL do everything.
She could drive, she learned in her 40s, and loved the independence it gave her.

But, for the past 25 years, FIL has done all the driving, and now that she has to drive again, understandably, (at 80), it’s really tough for her. Motorway driving is a no-no, which is also understandable.

But my husband and siblings don’t help by still babying her, as though she couldn’t possibly (with practice, and some supervision) drive to Waitrose (up the road), or mow the very small lawn.

Poor FIL had been masking his dementia for a long time, we know that now, and had some fairly serious financial difficulties.
MIL was fully aware of this and just let it drift, until my husband accidentally found out what had happened.
They were still paying insurance for phones they no longer had, had 3 credit cards maxed out, and paying the minimum payment for each one. It just went on and on, the more my husband delved into it.
They were basically a gnats wing away from bankruptcy, and MIL still just let ‘Dad’ deal with it. My husband had to take ‘her’ credit card away, cos she treated it like free money, and just used it willy-nilly.
The credit card that she promised not to use anymore, since the other 3 were maxed out.
She knows how they work, she’s not a buffoon, but, yep, let ‘Dad’ sort it out.

There are absolutely no cognitive impairments for her. She’s as sharp as a tack, actually.

Pathetic isn’t it, look up psychological terms: A codependent/ enmeshed marriage . It all becomes personally devistaing if the enabler can no longer enable the dependent.

There was a similar set up with my friends parents. Tbh her health did decline so she ended up needing more help although her husbands health was also poor. Her husband outlived her by a year.

My mum dud everything for my dad (although he worked /paid bills) when she got sick he learnt to hoover, wash, do basic meals. He has managed since she died, I generally do his bills online but he has a bank card and knows how to ‘tap’ it or put the pin in. He does his own shopping .

She will have to be more independent or as you say go into supported living. But even with that there’s often an expectation of some independence.

Stop pandering to her. Force to go to the local shop etc.

Agree it's not generational. My grandmothers, born between 1912 and 1915, both worked after marriage and children (after a gap when their children were young) and managed money etc. very competently. My mother and paternal aunts have too. All five of these women valued contributing financially within a happy marriage.

I’m sure many posters on this thread have very good cause to feel let down by their mothers and mil’s, but I think it’s a bit unfair to always blame the women in every case, because in all of these co-dependent relationships, there is a degree of reward involved for each of the participants.

And I’d like to make the point that it’s not always 100% the woman’s fault when they end up in a very dependent situation.

Of course every individual bears responsibility for their own life.

BUT, some men, even outwardly nice men, don’t like their women in a position where they are completely independent. Especially men who experienced a very controlling childhood themselves.

There is even a type of coercive control I believe where the controlling man, to all intents and purposes, does everything for their partner or spouse, in order to to deny them autonomy, and they do this subtlety, over a number of years; cooking, driving, banking etc.

And then, when they have complete control, and the wives have lost all confidence in themselves, the men turn around and accuse their wives of abandoning the family and not doing enough. This scenario can also involve a degree of parental alienation, and competition for the affection of offspring, so daughters beware!

My mother is like this. Father adores. Or used to. And did everything for her. Didn’t want her to work.

she didn’t even know how to put fuel in her car until my youngest brother was in his teens. To put that into context he is in his 30s now. So was not that long ago!

she didn’t know how to get cash from an ATM until about the same time.

dad is unwell. And has given up. Doesn’t seem to adore her as much as he did for the last 50 years. The thing is I wonder if he had been covering up her dementia.

What’s going to happen when he goes I just don’t know. Their kids are not close to them in any way. She is going to be on her own. Best thing that could happen if she either goes fast after him, before him or ceases the opportunity for a new lease of life!!!

we won’t be there to pick up the pieces. I guess different to your situation as the kids are rallying around

Your lucky Apollo its hard when they helpless. My dad "minded" her so everything done for her. So more pressure on us now. Ive 2 siblings thank god we all help

It most certainly is not generational.

Yet more mindless ageist crap on MN.

It's not everyone of that age though is it? My DM is 85. She had a career, still drives, does her own shopping and housework etc. Very financially savvy. She is very much not helpless at all.

My mam same op babied. 80s. Its very draining. Has no wifi so we do online stuff. Her bus routes cut we Dublin so more ferrying her round. Keep your parents independent or it will be like me and the op. Even dentist she let me ring them)

Yes, and a lot of people around my age (late 30s-40s) I know have recently been diagnosed with AuDHD, for example; this wouldn't have been possible for her. It is also possible she has brain fog/early dementia, but stress can make people even worse. My mum had managed things herself, but became reliant on us as she got older, so we had to do a lot to help her to remain at home. Hopefully the money will be paid back very soon, but if you need it sooner, maybe FIL could add husband to an account, if he is well enough to do this online in hospital.

Interesting. I am very late fifties so perhaps that is the difference.

I'm 69 and it's not a generational thing. I wasn't brought up to rely on a man like that.
Even my mother , born 100 years ago managed all her own banking, could drive before she met my Dad, learned how to email, text, order groceries online. She set up care for herself, as she became frailer and had s stair lift put in as she was having problems getting upstairs.

We have one of these. Talked until we were blue in the face about how she really needed to learn to use a cashpoint, go on a bus, blah, blah, blah...

"My boys will look after me" was her mantra and they always ignored everything we said and I was seriously worried about it.

Sadly, she declined into dementia and made Fil's life really very hard. He'd always babied her but she was competent at cleaning, reheating food, etc but instead of the glorious retirement he'd imagined travelling the world on his massive pension, he became her 24/7 carer, with variable results.

He's now still organising her, even though she's in a carehome.

Duck and cover, look at scaffolding support for her. Do not take her on and no, she will not ever step up and change.

I disagree. I’m from the same era and I’ve come across quite a few women who were brought up like this.

Thats correct. I was a 1950s child and my age group were not brought up to expect to rely on a man, though we did mostly expect to get married. All have jobs and are financially aware, whether or not they took time out to care for children.