Where do we go from here?

My friend is a social worker and said similar - do the referral even if you are convinced social care will be refused immediately as it means they exist on the system as does a concern over their safety, she said it makes things easier for them when the crisis occurs.

And yes, the years of strain and misery caused by PIL decisions do affect your bond. And your health.

You step back and wait for it to tip over. Which it will.

Wait for the crisis. It won’t be pretty. The wait for care is unpleasant too, especially as you’re the one doing the pushing as the NHS and SS won’t do much.

I’m so sorry for you. What often happens is one of them falls, the other one can’t manage at home, SS assess them and they’re both put into care. If you’re lucky.

The key is to ram home to all the officials eg medics and SS how demented they are. Then tell SS 500 times you can’t provide unpaid dementia nursing care 24/7 for the next 15 years for two people cos …you live 100 miles away.

SS should accept that. Then repeat a further 500 times.

I don’t think yr PIL will cope with a carer at home from the sounds of where they are with dementia paranoia.

POA wise, given you haven’t got it, if PIL argue about being put into care, a SW sections them. Then you get a DOLS in the care home, ditto. But PIL might not kick off - my DM was appalling about everything for years but skipped into a care home.

Yep. You do nothing. This is the life they chose. PIL lived with a similar selfish ‘cross that bridge’ mentality which ended up with them constantly on the phone as they deteriorated. One passed, the other now in care. Very stressful and mostly avoidable. It left a very poor legacy.
Ask for an assessment and hold your nerve. Do not bail them out or you will be left to it.

Op unfortunately you just have to step right back and wait for the crisis to happen. Similar situation with my elderly stubborn father so solidarity x

Yep, been there unfortunately- like my DF, they are too proud to admit they need help and like a PP in his case only a crisis convinced him he needed help. And he didn’t want to spend money on getting more help (didn’t qualify for any funding).

For my DF, he already had a cleaner and a gardener but once he recognised he needed more help, he had a carer paid for by him that came for an hour per day. This cost about £1k per month. Carer unpacked weekly delivered shopping (he liked going shopping with neighbour as it got him out of the house so persuading him to accept this was hard but he kept buying food that he was unable to cook). Carer threw out outdated food, you can specify what you want the carer to do.

DF found every opportunity to criticise carer, was convinced he was being robbed (he wasn’t) but it was made clear that it was that or a care home as me and DB live a long way away and couldn’t keep dropping everything to sort him out. An interim step might be sheltered housing but that wouldn’t have worked for him - and he would still have needed a carer.

he lasted about a year of this and is now in a home. It’s a lot calmer now. Getting old is shit

If you stopped helping them over and above what you can manage (e.g. occastional phone calls or advice) what would they like to happen or accept?

Very common playbook for elderly people is to refuse any help outside the family (possibly due to difficulties coming to terms with how their life is changing). If you refer to Social Services, they will turn them away at the door. If you engage a cleaner, they will lay them off. Don't want to hear about home adaptations or safety features. Usually it is only a crisis such as a fall/break that requires a hospital admission that forces a change.

You/your DH could try stepping back and meeting the phone calls (persistently) with "can't talk now, do call me back this evening after work" "I can't help but let me know if you want me to phone a care agency" "You will have to phone the GP or an ambulance" "shall I book you a taxi for that appoinment?" See what happens. If they become a nuisance to neighbours then refer to Social Services. Although they probably have too much money for SS funding, SS can be quite good at signposting to decent care homes or agencies. It might be worth you having a chat to Adult social care just so they are on their radar if something happens.

What you might be able to do is get the GP to log them as unable to cope with any computer/website/text message system so they can phone up for appointments, prescriptions etc. (also prescriptions can be delivered).

My sister's PILs were like this, they passed away within a few weeks of each other after MIL's multiple health issues came to a head and PIL had a slip/fall which he couldn't recover from. Totally inaccessible cottage, hoarded rubbish, 10 year old food packets etc. They had no interference from outside, as they wanted, so I guess they had that satisfaction! But it was hard for BIL and his family. In the end, if they have capacity, you can't force them to look after themselves. And if they don't have capacity it's still quite complicated to get them into a safe place.

Although you don’t have POA for health and welfare it doesn’t stop you passing on information. You can write to their GP with exactly what you’ve written here and you can make a safeguarding referral to their local authority.

Yeah, sorry, I echo pp. It’s a case of waiting for the crisis to force the issue. If they won’t even acknowledge that they need help, they probably wouldn’t cooperate with a social services assessment of needs or accept any of the suggestions or offers of assistance, but it’s worth a try just to get them on their system for when the inevitable does happen.

If you have a way of contacting the neighbours, I would encourage them to report to adult social services too and to not take on too much themselves.

This stage is awful, but your DH’s family isn’t alone in experiencing this. Pop into the cockroach cafe thread for ongoing support.

Ask social services to do an assesment.

We have been in a similar situation with my in-laws. DH is an only child and 200 miles away. After several panicky phone calls where FIL with dementia has wandered off or tried to get out and won't calm down MIL has finally agreed to him having two weeks respite care. DH said he couldn't keep going every time she rang and if she didn't want carers or to consider a home she had to deal with it herself. That sound's awful written down but every suggestion we came up with was ignored or refused so we had to wait for thing to get too bad.

Sorry but you have to wait for the crisis. Tough but nothing else works.