Moving in with elderly MIL

OP, just no. It sounds like a really nice idea, but it’s such an imposition, and your MIL would be round in your house all the time. You would find that when your in-laws came to visit her, they will all come round to yours and expect to be fed and entertained - that’s what happened to my DM when she built an annexe for her DMIL. We could never visit without DGM popping round on some pretext or other, and when my DM went on holiday, one of us had to come and house-sit to make sure everything was OK and to keep an eye on DGM. When DGM got very old and rather confused, my DM ended up being her carer - and DGM hated it whenever DM came to visit me and my DSis’s. It’s a lovely idea, but the actuality is sadly anything but.

I grew up in a set up similar to this and there is absolutely no way I’d even consider doing the same to my own children.

It stops you having any kind of family life as everything ends up arranged around the needs of the elderly person.

Hell no! I’m 45 mins from my elderly mother and that is too close. Seriously regret not having emigrated when younger…….

Just because MIL has a granny annexe doesn’t mean she will stay in it. Chances are she would be in your part of the house more than her own.

Don’t do it. And you need to tell your DH now that you will NOT be providing care for her. He’ll probably change his tune if he realises the care is going to be up to him.

Don’t do it. Combining your finances through property ownership will put you in a potentially very difficult situation when she died / if she needed to move to a care home etc. and would need careful legal / tax advice. Your DH having other siblings would make this situation great for dispute and arguments once your MIL’s will was considered and implemented. Nothing like families and wills to set up arguments and resentments over money - despite the best of intentions at the time.

As well as financial difficulties caring for someone is not easy , and that’s when you are close to them. I really wouldn’t do it. Sounds simple in theory but in practice is fraught with difficulties, practical and emotional. I’m also guessing that in the event of care being needed as the female in the house the default position will be you becoming the main carer.

Glad you came to this decision op. It'd likely result in massive additional stress and strain on you all, especially on dc as the whole dynamic of their home changes. Then there's the difficulty of trying to get any support further down the line (either from authorities or wider family) because you are considered the default carer. Once you commit there's no going back and the affect on the whole family takes a long time to get over.

I wonder who is this husband who can just assume I am going to be HIS mother's carer. My one, yes, another story. But his?

Ridiculous, completely unnecessary. Your husband will send her to care if she needs to be in care or organise carers.

Oh well done!

You do need to say this, very clearly.
Your husband ought to get it out of his head, too.
He also needs to realise that caring shouldn't only be done by women.
He's being very misogynistic.
I find that more outrageous than the thought of your moving in with a woman you don't even like much.

No, no and no. Might look good on paper but will be a nightmare for you in reality.

Every woman I know that’s done this has ended up on antidepressants.
A care home is what will happen to her. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We moved in with my parents over 30 years ago. DF died and I slowly became carer to DM. I loved her so much but in the last 6 months or so before the crisis that meant she went into hospital and then a home I honestly didn't like much. We were close - going on holiday together, looking after my DC, just doing everything we could to support each other but as her mobility decreased and her cognitive abilities faded it got harder and harder.

It's nearly 18 months since she died and I miss her so much but don't do it.

Would SILs expect their husbands to care for MIL? Nooo! So why is your DH expecting you to?

Ah, they'll all decide it should be you doing the brunt of it then.

Nope. Do not do it. If she has to go into care, the value of her house will be taken into account and if you benefitted from her moving in, your house may have to be sold - both to pay for care and for any inheritance issues.
I told my DH and his brother that no one would control me having to sell my home, so I wouldn't live with her. And I WILL NEVER , EVER PROVIDE PERSONAL CARE FOR HIS MUM.
I even added, would he be happy wiping my mother's bottom and supporting her naked in the shower.
I don't think they realised how "intimate" personal care was, imagining me sitting with tea and cake discussing crafts as we do.

His mum is in a nursing home now, bedbound, with vascular dementia and Alzheimers, and diabetes, and copd, and crohns, and heart failure, and loss of sight and loss of hearing, and doubly incontinent. He is happy we did not sell and move in together, but even now, I still have to prod him to even go visit her, so I am pleased I laid my line in the sand early on.

Do not do this! It is folly of the highest order.

No. If she is happy to move then somewhere manageable and spend some of the downsizing money on setting things up for her, cleaner etc. maybe altering the place to make it easier to live in. Don’t move in with her. SILs won’t help.

I do have a friend whose PIL had FILs mother living with them. That seemed to work for them. She had a separate annex. They went on holiday a lot and she went into a home every time and I got the impression she was very easy going though and her and friends MIL got on well.

You don’t like her enough to do this, don’t.

Is she going to give you the value of her house with no strings of it being part of her estate to share with DH's siblings? Does she have savings to pay for a care home if necessary or is the deal that your family will look after her and she won't need to go into a home ever?

You would definitely have to have a granny annex or some separate living space as it sounds like sharing a kitchen so to speak would not work. It really needs the right property and careful thought. If your DH is keen you need to point out that it's his mother and most of the looking after will be up to him, it is a lot to ask of you if you don't get on well with MIL and have trauma from not getting on with your parents as well.

It's a family decision but you have to know exactly what you would be getting into. We did think of doing something similar with my MIL but in the end she didn't want to move, which presented it's own problems.

Big mistake. You will resent her, and the situation. Please don’t do it.

honestly dont do it. it will be your worst decision ever. I look after my mum who i love very much and get on well with but dementia is cruel and has changed her personality. Im struggling to cope. Your MIL has other children who can share responsibility. Its not down to you.