LPA dilemma

This is a situation where I think there isn’t a wrong answer, because there isn’t a right answer.

Refusing to take on LPA would be completely reasonable- nobody has to do it and decisions can be made other ways. It’s clear that it would be a significant responsibility and probably a burden to you at some points.

However, there is no doubt that for her, it would be a good thing to have a family member still involved, for as long as she will allow it. It sounds quite plausible that she will lose capacity at some point - I’m not convinced from your account that she has done so yet, it’s entirely in character for her to make such a painful and self sabotaging decision as you describe it. There are definitely some processes that will be much easier with an LPA involved.

I think it just tips over into a yes for me, agree to it. But I wouldn’t think you’d done anything at all wrong if you said no.

Forget about the back story for a moment. Do you have the time, energy and commitment to be an LPA? Even if the wheels fall off, there is a crisis or emergency admission to hospital, etc?

If not then don't do it. It is hard enough when you like the family member. Even worse when there is a back story. My experience is that dementia amplifies pre existing mental health issues. So things are only set to get worse.

Equally if you do decide to do it, I believe (although check) that you can step down.

Finally, it is worth speaking to her solicitor re: capacity. But be aware if you say that as per PP suggestiom, they may not proceed with the LPA.

Have you written to her GP to express concerns? Or the local social care team? That would be my next step.

once she loses capacity you have to go to the Office of the Public Guardian which is an extremely painful and expensive process (for which I speak from experience).

I agree that deputyships are painful - but the OP doesn't have to do it. She can refuse to do so, just as she can refuse to be attorney. Social Services would then appoint someone to do the deputyship.

If your DGM is 81 then a solicitor asked to change a will and set up an LPA ought to be assessing her mental capacity to execute those things from the first appointment. Though of course some people will do anything for a fee...

If you and DN are the main/only surviving relatives then I would 100% take an LPA appointment if offered. The alternative is that once she loses capacity you have to go to the Office of the Public Guardian which is an extremely painful and expensive process (for which I speak from experience).

As part of the LPA process she has to consider who to notify, and if you can advise the solicitor in advance of the existence of a DN, then it would be possible (desirable) for him to be sucked into the process, maybe as an alternate, or a party to be notified. But anyway, once the LPA is triggered, you have control and can involve DN to whatever extent you desire.

On the will, what is she planning to do? Cut DN out and appoint you as executor and sole beneficiary? You could either apply to vary the will when the time comes, or just give a gift from your share...

In short, no I wouldn't do it.

I was attorney for my mother, she had dementia but she was relatively easy, I didn't get accused of anything and she was happy for me to take over. But I acted as her attorney for ten years and it was still a huge responsibility and very time consuming. And that was for someone who put up no arguments.

It does sound like DGM has dementia, paranoia directed at someone close is quite common. So she may no longer have capacity to do an LPA. But in any case I would keep out of it. You've seen what happened with the nephew and you'd be next in the firing line.

Do consider carefully before you agree to be an LPA. I agreed to be one for my uncle who lives far from me. There is another LPA who is more local. We get on very well. However the work involved now my uncle has dementia is vastly more than I ever realized it would be. There are times when me and the other LPA have had to have daily long conversations regarding my relative’s care. You just think things are starting to become a bit easier and then something else happens.

I’m not saying don’t do it but just consider carefully what the workload involved may be.

Op i think it would be good for you to be put in contact with the solicitor and explain your concerns and that this seems like quite strange behaviour for your GM although it’s not out of character. tell them to make sure they think she has capacity and isn’t making irrational choices.

they may encourage her to get a capacity assessment anyway as she’s cutting someone out and is elderly so dementia should be on their radar.

if she’s acting out of paranoia she possibly cannot make a new will. The same might be true for the LPA.

its not uncommon for relatives to contact the solicitor with their concerns. And here it is information that points towards her being irrational and paranoid.

I am so sorry for the predicament you and your DN find yourself in. It's awful. I echo the excellent advice from the previous poster. Agreeing to LPA may well be helpful in the longer-term. Might be worth looking into getting a health and welfare one as well as the financial LPA, for potential future-proofing.

In addition, if you are presented as an "ally" by your GM to the solicitors, you may be able to have a discreet word with them about your doubts as to her capacity to change her will. This could be investigated, as someone who is found to lack capacity (which sounds like it might be approaching that area, given her reactions to your DN, the actions she has taken against him, and her lack of comprehension and insight into the reason for the locking of the bank account) can't always change the terms of their will unless capacity is confirmed.

I'm sorry I cannot offer much more in the way of helpful, practical advice. All I will say is that you must put yourself, your job and your children first. They must be your priorities (especially your children). I have seen families all but annihilated and lasting damage done because everyone was running around trying to placate and manage a difficult elderly relative who could not or would not make allowances or concessions that would benefit everyone. There comes a time when a team of people are needed to care for some people and it often falls to one kind relative (usually, but not always, a daughter or niece) running ragged to manage everything whilst sacrificing their own life and health.

It may be that this forum might be helpful to you as you navigate the future, there is lots of experience, wisdom and kindness there - Dementia Support Forum.

If you do decide that it is too much for you and you don't feel able to be involved with the LPA and further Sadmin, please try not to feel bad or guilty. You know your capacity and what you can endure and it is perfectly OK to say no and step back, especially if you need, for more than one reason, to protect yourself and your family from the treatment meted out to your DN. You are important too, and your GM's health, wishes and demands do not get to trump yours.

Every best wish to you. x

There are a number of similarities here with the situation I had with an elderly relative, and I feel for you.

First thing that jumps out at me is the jumping to conclusions over people trying to get at her money. It was the same with my relative and very much signalled the start of a long 15 years of declining mental health, paranoia, hallucinations, and trail of broken relationships resulting from it. Keep an eye on this, and if you notice anything with passing resemblance to a pattern then try and get her referred into the system.

About the LPA, your situation reminds me of trying to grab the clean end of a turd. I will tell you now that as she gets older and less capable of managing her affairs having someone with an LPA for finance and property makes life a LOT easier for everyone around her. If she's asked you I strongly recommend you agree to it because there may well come a point where decisions are taken out of her hands and placed in someone else's who are less committed to her, and it does make it harder for anyone else to take advantage of her.

It is relatively easy to prove that you haven't been stealing from her using the POA - just keep meticulous records, all receipts, statements etc. Just keep everything that shows that you have her interests, not yours, at the forefront of every decision. Ultimately, and this will sound harsh but it was my experience, if this is the start of dementia then the only person in the long run you'll need to justify your action to is the nephew. If you are given the LPA then I'd try to discuss pretty much everything with him too, so that at least you can share the burden of decision-making.

There is a code of conduct for people with POA so it might be worth reading through that if you can.

Hope this helps.