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Elderly parents
Original poster

80 year old neighbour won’t sit still despite back pain

43 replies

plipped · 11/11/2025 11:54

My neighbour won’t sit still, he is in a lot of pain with his back but his wife has confided in us that he simply won’t listen to her and just constantly has to be outside keeping busy, despite the fact it’s got colder.
He grits his teeth through the pain in sheer determination not to sit down and rot as he describes it.
His wife is concerned but at the same time has said his stamina is what’s kept him going for so long.
Any ideas how we can help? It seems maybe he’s losing his mind?

OP posts:
Mandarinaduck · 11/11/2025 12:28

So important to stay active in your older years. Unless he is doing activities that the doctor has expressly advised him against I cannot see the problem.

IndiaAutumn · 11/11/2025 12:27

Sitting still is really bad for your back. For most kinds of back pain staying active is the right thing.

SarahAndQuack · 11/11/2025 12:26

You could talk to her about what's making her so anxious? Is she usually a worrier, or is this perhaps to do with her realising that she is becoming more immobile while he is coping better? Or is she genuinely worried he's doing himself more harm than good?

I agree with the others that his approach sounds like a sensible one, but it must be tricky to be caught in the middle if his wife has taken to confinding in you.

Starlight1984 · 11/11/2025 12:24

Misla · 11/11/2025 11:55

I'm really struggling to see what the problem is here.

This. Why are you so invested in what your neighbours are doing?

AnSolas · 11/11/2025 12:24

He is managing the pain that he is in as best he can in a way that works for him.

The only help you could offer is to suggest that he gets a male member of his family to go to the Doctor with him.
With the aim of
A) seek help IDing what is the root cause of the pain and
B) what pain management treatments are available and
C) to get a referral to a pain specialist

FuzzyWolf · 11/11/2025 12:23

He’s doing the right thing and good for him when so many would give up and whither away.

AgapanthusPink · 11/11/2025 12:14

Leave him be. Otherwise he’ll end up like my parents sitting on the settee all day everyday moaning and doing absolutely nothing.

Ted27 · 11/11/2025 12:10

He's more likely to lose his mind sitting in a chair all day.
My mum is 82 and can barely walk a few steps. Its heart breaking to see her in this state.
He's doing the right thing keeping active

NewJobProblem · 11/11/2025 12:03

It’s important to stay active - for the body and the mind! If you really want to help you could buy him a gift of a heated jacket - one of those where you press a button and the jack warms up. And encourage him to see a GP for some pain management.

Pollqueen · 11/11/2025 12:00

He's doing the correct thing in keeping active. Inactivity is not a good thing for back pain

RosesAndHellebores · 11/11/2025 11:59

Nod, smile, take in parcels, if necessary, feed their cats if they have them and go away. Apart from that, they are neighbours and you have no agency whatsoever about how they carry on.

User18394111 · 11/11/2025 11:58

As everyone has said it’s nearly always best to keep going with back pain. He shouldn’t be lifting things though.

PermanentTemporary · 11/11/2025 11:58

He’s doing the right thing imo.

He might benefit from some private physio, and in fact despite being resolutely unwoo I am a reluctant convert to osteopathy. And/or one of those heated back belts/pads?

ValenciaOrange · 11/11/2025 11:57

I dont know why you think this is a sign he is losing his mind.
Keeping active is one of the best things for back pain.
He's quite right to say he wants to do things rather than sit out the rest of his life.

BatchCookBabe · 11/11/2025 11:57

Also, it's not cold. November this year, is unseasonably warm. It's 14 degrees C right now (Midlands.)

BatchCookBabe · 11/11/2025 11:56

I think with backs - it's use it or lose it. He probably doesn't want it to seize up, and actually wants to be outside.

Would she prefer he sits in his chair or lies in bed 24/7?

Mixerfixer · 11/11/2025 11:56

He could ask his GP? You're normally told to keep active with back pain, but it would be good to know what's causing it.

It's not too cold outside for most people.

Misla · 11/11/2025 11:55

I'm really struggling to see what the problem is here.