Elderly mum needs a shoulder replacement and wants me to do her care afterwards but I’m not up to it

You don't have to do this. Social services and hospital won't push it on you if you make clear it's impossible: there is a discharge system for this. Flawed, but there. And reablement/rehab will be funded so she needs to use it. Good luck.

In similar circumstances (hip rather than shoulder), mine had to go into a care home for a couple of weeks after surgery.

There are lots of people for whom having an elderly relative to stay for recuperation wouldn’t be practical, nor can they stay with them or do it by visiting.

The care home is a much better option as it’s 24/7 staffing, people who know how to care and assist, different people(!) making the meals.

You need to ensure that both your mother and the hospital know you are not available for aftercare. It is very common for the elderly person to tell the hospital that family will do the care, and then the hospital don't arrange anything.

As others have said, do not give any explanations as to why you are not available. If you give reasons, people will try to find ways around them. Just keep stating that you aren't available.

My DM had this op and if she has a good as result as my DM had, it will be a good thing.

She definitely needs to make other arrangements. Caring means organising appropriate care sometimes, not killing yourself to do it personally.

I've been in this situation a few times and looking back, I should have insisted on outside help, rather than trying to muddle through, get overwhelmed and on a couple of occaisions, leaving abruptly, which was less than ideal.

Alongside both of my siblings, we cared for our elderly windowed parent after surgery and god it was hard work!!!! I couldn’t imagined doing it under the circumstances you find yourself in. It would be a hard ‘no’ from me. Be very boundaried and only commit to what you’re happy to do.

Just tell her you can’t look after her.
If any hospital staff ask say the same.
Use your own health or your children as reasons - no one can argue with that.

You can recommend she has her operation or goes to a nursing home.

You are not an available. This is a critical time in your daughter’s life. As already said rehab or carers. My mother had 2 months rehab in an NHS hospital last year after a fall and a fractured hip.

Is she one of those people who will defer to a refusal of it's from someone else? 'My Doctor says I'm not allowed to drive every day', 'My husband says I have to be at home to look after him and DC' ?
You can make it up, she doesn't need to know.

An aunt of mine researched local care homes as an after operation solution although in the end she decided against having it done. Maybe your mum would be more comfortable if you were able to do a bit of research and then take her to the most suitable home for a visit having worked out the costings. You must be very firm with both the Hospital and Social Services if they get involved that you are not able to care for her at all. Don't volunteer for even a day. It is tough but you will have to be firm - kinder for all involved if you are just upfront and have a solution to offer. You may find anyway that with no one at home she will qualify for a place in Rehab.

Stand your ground and tell everyone and anyone what you will and won't do. I get on ok with DM, but when she got it of hosp after an operation recently, I told everyone (the hospital discharge people, the OT, the physios, the post discharge team) that I would be there for a few days, then I would be there once a week to support housework and food shop. I'm not saying you should even do as much as that, but by standing form and biting back the guilt or urge to do more, care was put in place.

My relatives care home regularly used to have people in to convalesce after a hip/knee replacement, so imagine that'd be possible if you have a look about. Might be easier than care at home for at least the first 2 or 3 weeks.

My very fit and strong 75yr old neighbour had their shoulder replaced, I’d say they were in a sling for three weeks or so and back to normal after 2/3 months.

Do you know what ? - you don't have to justify anything about why you won't be your mothers carer ,good mother or bad .
She needs far more than one person can give ,her needs may go on for months totally impossible for you to do that every single day plus be on call through the night even if you were willing to do it.
I may be facing similar care duties in the future and i too am repulsed by the thought of personal care , i just don't think i can do it but i can do the practical jobs so don't feel guilty over that .
Spell out in advance to your mom that you alone cannot give what she wants and needs and that carers / temp nursing home etc are the likelihood and leave her to stew over it.
You have to think of yourself and your family in all this too.

She has over 23k savings. She’s is more than in a comfortable position to pay for some temporary care after the op.

Stand up for yourself and tell her that it just isn’t on the cards for you to do it and you’ll be looking into private care for her.

When she goes into hospital have a pre practiced speech ready for anyone who asks how your dm will manage at home.
I am unable to assist with any care upon dm's discharge..
Rinse and repeat...
The old boot is reaping what she sowed imo. I haven't seen dm since 2012...no surgery will change that.

OP, I can relate to so much of what you wrote - the enmeshment, the demands, the coldness, the feeling that you don't really exist when you're around your mother. Please don't underestimate how harmful all of this is to your mental health. I get it, and it's truly miserable. You don't have to carry on taking it

You know that you are simply not in any position to provide her care. You need to be very clear with your mother - explain what you are prepared to do and then stick to your guns. She will not like it, and there may be rage and guilt trips but stand firm. You have your husband on your side. You do not have to do what your mother expects you to do

And be VERY clear with the hospital that neither you nor anyone in the family are in a position to care for her after discharge. They will expect you to do all of the caring unless you make that explicit

You are not a monster by any account. You need to stand firm on what you know will be the very real impacts on you and your family if you don’t.

your mum will have to have / find an alternative

Explain to the hospital and see what they can offer, say you will not be able to look after her, you are too far away and have your own family. Try to get it sorted out in advance and then present it as THE solution, not open to discussion. The care homes can be really nice and I would have thought that was the best option if available.

You need to prioritise your mental well being and family.

Is she financially able to pay for private in home care?

As you,say you,can offer one day's care . Perhaps the first day , out of hospital , stay the night but pass care to paid carers coming in before the 2nd night ?
As you say you can do shopping and do her washing clothes , getting medicine etc but no more .

It has to be rehab centre or carers at home. You can't do this without too much collateral damage.
Tbh, I would be surprised if a surgeon would operate particularly with the unstable BP so it may be a moot point anyway and you may be worrying for nothing. Cross the bridge when you come to it? If asked now, say 'there are lots of options to look into when the op date is set'?

You've done nothing to be guilty about. As others have said, there are things you can organise that will help her .

The main issue with care is that people say they don't want it/carers. Care is based on peoples needs though, not their wants. So if she needs carers she needs carers!

Carers