Elderly mum needs a shoulder replacement and wants me to do her care afterwards but I’m not up to it

You are already a carer. This is what you have to keep saying to people, your mum, your sister, and healthcare professionals. Only you can advocate for you. Stand firm.

(She should know relationships work two ways and being abusive doesn’t make people want to care for you. But I understand that might not be something you can bring yourself to say to her.)

'Do what you reasonably can (a good yardstick is what you would expect a decent MAN in your situation to offer)'

Agree this is an excellent way of giving yourself a fresh perspective on your behaviour and decisions. Helps to blast through the guilt

Do what you reasonably can (a good yardstick is what you would expect a decent MAN in your situation to offer!), but don't put you both at risk.
You wouldn't (at any low price!) hire a carer with your circumstances who had a known difficult relationship with your mum! It would be reckless.

Are you also someone who would demand of their child to provide care for them simply because you gave birth to them? Have you actually read anything @Cardiganwearer has written about her mother and their relationship?

Obligation to care between parents and children goes only one way . Parent to child. Parents

If an adult child wants to and is able to care for a parent, that of course is kind and lovely, but should NEVER be expected or demanded even where relationships have been healthy and loving.

@Cardiganwearer please look after yourself first and foremost. Your mum isn't kind or loving to you generally, so telling her a flat and determined no and sticking to it isn't going to really change that landscape. If she escalates, set your boundaries and hold them. If she speaks to you disrespectfully leave the room, hang up the phone. If it continues, do not answer the phone or put yourself in a position where its possible for her to have a go at you. Sharing DNA with someone does not give them the right to command, demand from you or abuse you.

Please, take care of yourself.

She doesn’t want to go into a rehab place because she thinks she would never come out 🙄 I’m pretty sure they boot you out when you are fit enough

Good Lord of course they will! Clue's in the name. Discharge teams in NHS facilities are pretty aggressive one they have secured the all-important cliical "all-clear" IME.

This. My entire fifties so far have been taken up with parent care and I’m 58 now. Grateful I still have my mum, but god it’s hard.

OP, I have not rtft.

You are not technically available. You have a huge amount in your plate.

Be kind to yourself

Caregivers from all cultures who do this out of love are amazing to behold and I love and admire how extended families can work to support each other (historically this is how it worked in the UK too,this is how I lived as a young child)...but have you never met the sort of DIL or daughter who are effectively coerced into this role at risk to their own health? it's more often the women of a family who have to make the sacrifices caregiving can entail. In some cultures, families don't want to ask for outside help, especially when the patriarch or matriarch has mental health problems. No one should feel shame for asking for help and knowing their own limits.

Agree. Although I’m not in the exact same position as OP, I care for my elderly DM who lives with me.

The comment about families of different backgrounds is really unecessary. Caring for an elderly person after a big op is quite a skilled job. The OP and her mother will both need professional support and the hospital will be able to point her towards available resources.

So so sorry to read this. Can you set up home help for her? The hospital may have ideas.

OP I looked after my DM in her 80s after her shoulder replacement. I am only giving you my example as it was not what either of us expected - but also I and my DM get on well.

I took 3 weeks of work. First week she was in hospital and I visited. She was in longer due to a rare complication which also meant she had to come home in a giant sling with a wedge under her arm - normally it would be a simple sling. There was extensive physio and OT input before discharge, they were completely familiar with discharging elderly people who live on their own.

She was in much much much less pain after the operation. She also turned out to be very effective at managing with one arm as that's basically all she had before. Both of us rapidly realised she wouldn't need as much help as we were worrying about, even with the wedge contraption.

I cooked, shopped, bought random disability items off Amazon (a lot of ponchos) and did some minimal personal care - pulling up her trousers and helping with a wash.

After 2 weeks she felt I wasn't needed and I went home.

Honestly I don't think I did anything that couldn't be done better by the Reablement Team if she hadn't had me to call on for help.

If you feel able to do it then do. But don't be guilted into it by someone you don't actual like, the surgeon actually said to us his experience was that people were much better after the op as they were so disabled before and that they had already adapted to one hand living. This proved exactly true for us.

I'm sorry. No advice really other than stick to your guns x

I think anyone who reads your original post will see that this is about as far from a family of any ethnicity abandoning their mum as it gets. This is about a family that needs the safety net.

OT here posting on a very glitchy iPad so can’t quote. I agree with the physio up thread that said there are services to assist with the aftercare.

shoulder operations are complex and can be painful. Also come with restrictions/precarious about movement. Depending on the surgeon she might have the awful compression stockings for DVT. These are a hideous nightmare for people to get on/off so hopefully she won’t have them.

anyway - please don’t get co-erced into doing this for her.

even if you lived with her and loved her dearly there are still limits to the personal care that you could safely
provide. Good luck.

Wow. That is tough. Obviously you can't drop everything for her, so you need to decide what you can do and offer that. Work out what sort of contribution would stop you feeling guilty without you feeling dissolved by her needs. E.g. Talk with her GP to have all prescriptions fulfilled by Pharmazon or a similar online pharmacy. You could ask for their emails to be sent to you, so you take responsibility for liaising with them online if you think your mother wouldn't do that.

You might interview a few people local to her who could come in once a day as home help/companions. Suggest they do an hour's worth of cleaning or admin (e.g. helping open the prescription meds and ensuring she takes them) and an hour of chatting with her over lunch or dinner each time. Ensure she can afford this and that payment is set up. And monitor their attendance, maybe with a ring doorbell linked to your phone so you can keep an eye that they do the hours paid for.

Be very direct with her about why you can't be with her 24/7:
Mum, you need support right now. Sis can't help full time as her child is ill and I can't move in with you as DS is doing A levels and needs me around. But I have sorted out your prescriptions so they will be delivered from now on, and have arranged for someone to look in once a day. If this isn't enough, would you like to look around some sheltered flats with me?

Family first. You shouldn't be relying on the state to look after your ageing parents. It's a safety net only - well at least it should be.

OP's mum has always been a pretty awful mum to OP. OP is unwell herself and when she had dangerous, life-threatening PND her mum absolutely refused to help look after OP's small children while she was in hospital. Therefore, she owes her mum absolutely nothing.

Plus, this board was set up to provide support to Mumsnetters who are dealing with elderly parents, not to guilt trip and berate them.

Giving birth doesn't make someone a good parent.

My background is partly non-Anglo Saxon, and that culture of origin can GTFOOH with the idea that simply giving birth entitles someone to run their adult children's lives. It doesn't.

@Cardiganwearer definitely speak to the medical team in the hospital about your situation and not being able to provide care. My DGM did this to us, said family would do everything, and we were stuck until she had a crisis. The NHS can offer reablement care either at home or in a facility to get her moving again, make sure her pain is managed, food and drink, etc. Don't put yourself through having to be away from your family for weeks and messing up your MH. Do the admin and the practical things, visit once a week to check in and cook a nice meal, bring some shopping, take some batch cooking, etc. Focus on things you can do to meaningfully support but for which you don't physically have to be in situ and at her beck and call for.

She may well be eligable
for 6 weeks respite care - phone your GP and ask for a referral to adult social care.

Oh please 🙄

There are other options available for OPs mother. I would not want my adult children to look after me. It was my decision to have children and my children do not owe me anything for bringing them up. Op has an obligation to her daughter who is doing her A levels.

Have you ever been in the position OP is in? Just curious.

There's always one sanctimonious one lacking in empathy.

OP I couldn’t do this for my DPs and my relationship with them is much better than yours and my family position is much more stable ( desperately looking for a job so I am less available, but stimmied because it has to be part time as they live an hour away).
I would text back to both DM and Dsis something like “Good news that the op is being scheduled. That will be so much better for you once it’s done. I am able to come up twice a week for daytime support for the 4-6 weeks after the op ( or whatever you are prepared to do) but will not be able to stay over. Unless Dsis is able to do that it sounds like respite would be the best option. “ That way they both know upfront what you are prepared to do.