Horrid aging mother and her requests

It's a million times more difficult because you live with her. I dont think there is a solution unless you move out

@SoloSofa24 ah I do remember that poster and you're right she isn't interested in hearing advice. I don't know if it's the same poster here, but could be.

I too wondered if it was the same OP …

If this is the OP I suspect it is, she will not come back to this thread but will disappear and then pop up again on a new thread with yet another user name and post yet more variations on the same complaints about her mother, who she suspects of having dementia, and who irritates her by refusing to deal with a leaking oil tank and various other household issues.

If it is the same OP (apologies if I have this wrong) she gets the same advice every time: a) move out so none of this is your problem any more, and b) contact the GP about all the odd behaviour of your mother's, so they may call her in for an assessment. She has been getting the same advice for two years or more, under different names, but always ignores it.

The mention of a partner is new, however, so maybe this is not the same person, or maybe the partner is new, which might be why she hasn't reappeared for a while.

No matter what, I think the advice is still the same: move out, and contact your mother's GP about the suspicions of dementia.

Hmmm I'm not sure, I'm 45 and my 64 year old DM is indeed horribly aging. It's sad, but it is true. We can't make too many assumptions on age. Hopefully the OP will come back and clarify.

When (if) the OP comes back she can give us more information.

You're probably right, although expressions along the lines of "I live at home" (rather than something like "I moved in with her to look after her/ I had to move back in with her after my divorce") and "helping her with the online shop" (as though providing food is the mum's job and young adult child is sometimes asked to help) just make it read young...

My 21 year old loves to jokingly refer to me as an old lady (I'm in my 50s) but I don't think she actually thinks I'm elderly (I have my own actually elderly parent issues)...

20 and 50 was hyperbolic but 25 and mid 60s and a young adult who's still living with a parent, possibly a little bit emotionally vulnerable or naive and using terms like "horribly ageing" about a 64 year old is very different to a 64 year old discussing their own 90 year old mother.

And of course all points in between.

A bit more information is definitely necessary before we all armchair diagnose dementia because the mother doesn't like the daughter's (or son's) partner and isn't hiding it well.

The phone credit issue points to an older person, but buying shopping and upkeep of the house are shared issues if two adults live together as equals - the post reads as though the poster has never moved out but doesn't see either thing as her (or his?) responsibility. This reads younger...

Either way though, moving out is a good idea!

@TheFiveLakes yes I agree. But the OP has posted in the Elderly Parents forum so I assumed she's elderly.

But either way, the OP needs to consider whether she wants to stay there because I doubt the situation is going to improve,

I think the op is only willing to divulge things that she has calculated will elicit sympathy from us, hence she has only been able to make the one post🤷🏼‍♀️

How old are you both? Jumping to a dementia online armchair diagnosis might make sense if she's 75+ but jumping to a "your boyfriend treats you disrespectfully, and she believes she's biting her tongue about her fears for you but is actually a terrible actress" assumption might be tempting if you're 20 and shes 50...

Your post could be read lots of ways tbh

You'd probably get on better if you moved out though.

OP you say this behaviour is new and increasing. It does sound like it could be dementia. It is quite common for a person with dementia to become paranoid, argumentative, and/or fixate on a particular person as 'the problem'.

If she does have dementia her behaviour will not improve, it will probably get worse, and there will be other unwelcome changes to. So you really do need to think about whether you want to remain living with her, as you will be on the receiving end.

I’m assuming OP is 30s/40s and has just never moved out.

This is confusing, how can the op be so young and yet have a mother in her 80s?

If you live with her I think you should be helping with pretty basic things like online shopping and topping her phone up, punishing her because she’s off with your boyfriend isn’t the way to go. Find another way or get over it. If she’s rude to you just leave the room ‘ we’ll do this later mum when you’re in a better mood,’ every time . Train her. But shes allowed to dislike your boyfriend , as long as she’s not throwing things at him and being verbally abusive, I’m sure he can cope with some coldness. Or move out.

How old are you op, you sound early twenties ? How old is your Mum ? If you live at home then most home things should be split between you. Is it just you and your Mum ? Maybe she is feeling sad about you probably moving out and sees your boyfriend as the cause of that. Talk to her, she sounds resentful and unhappy. Are you pulling your weight at home ? Is your Mum lonely ?

The solution is obvious, you ought to have flown the nest decades ago I would think!

If you don’t stop this now - and that’s by moving out - this situation is only going to get worse. You will end up being her full time carer as her health wanes and you will get to the point where you can never leave. Do it whilst you can - if you are in full time work then you should be able to support yourself and put some boundaries in place.

A clear indication you need to move out op, this will only get worse.

Sounds like you need to move into your own home, OP - start looking for a flat to rent ASAP.

Can you afford to move out. Could you be a lodger in someone's home, will work out cheaper than renting alone.

Time to move out, surely?

Move out of her house and arrange external support.

This appears to be an entirely pointless thread.

If you work full time, @Edsgreendress, then you are clearly physically, mentally and financially capable of moving out and maintaining your own home.

Do that.

I’m not sure there’s any solution while you’re living in her house

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

My DM (with dementia) started saying horrible things about my dh and dds, e.g. that they were selfishly stopping me from coming to see her, that they didn’t want me visiting her (my weekly sleepovers) etc.
All absolutely untrue. I knew it was the dementia speaking - she’d never had said, or even thought, such things before, but it was still so upsetting.

Eventually, one evening, I had just had enough. I said, ‘If you don’t stop saying such horrible things, I’m going home NOW!’ - and I meant it.

Amazingly enough, despite the dementia, she did stop, for that evening anyway.