mid 80s difficult dm - I tried everything

You deal with her like a toddler

Praise the good, ignore the bad.

So what if she told you off? You don’t have to let her take up brain space.

Like PP ignore the call. end the call, I wouldn’t call at set times, just when you think about it, you have control over that.

Switch to text - or send voice notes.

What compels you to keep calling?!

You phone her when you want to and the rest of the time at your phone to automatically send the calls from her number to voicemail. Or do what I’ve done and block her calls. It saves the stress of answering the phone and not knowing what mood she will be in that day. Even seeing her number come up sends my blood pressure up.

take control.

It sounds like you are emotionally exhausted while trying to deal with an ongoing emotionally draining situation.
Can you up the self care & any distancing rituals/ mantras ( @Prettystarry ) that you can add in to contact.
Find ways to minimise how much of your thinking time she takes. Have replacement thoughts to hand to interrupt. Detox her from your mind & body.
Stutz on Netflix worth a watch. His maze theory.

Give her a specific ring tone and only answer when you are free and want to speak to her. Otherwise let it go to voicemail. Don’t call her every week. Tell her you’re ‘busy’. You set the agenda and if she starts being unpleasant tell her you have an appointment, someone’s come to the door, your friend is arriving soon, you’re off out.

OP, if she called at 10.30, why did you not simply ignore the phone? It will cut off after a few rings. She can’t MAKE you pick up the phone. And if you felt you had to pick it up, rather than letting her tell you off, just say DM, it’s a bit late for a call: I’ll speak tomorrow, goodbye, and put the phone down. She only has “the power” because you let her have it. You said you’d call the next day, so call but keep it brief, and if she starts belittling you or being unpleasant, just say, DM, I’m sorry but I’m not going to put up with this: goodbye. If she calls back, ignore. And if she reprimands you for not calling, tell her that if she’s going to be unpleasant, you won’t call at all. Simply because she expects something doesn’t mean you have to do it. Do you have any siblings to share the burden with, or close friends you can talk to? I know you’re struggling, OP, and I feel for you, but you don’t need to be stressed about calling your DM. You have the whip hand - if she starts going on about your shortcomings, tell her you’re not putting up with it, then bring the phone call to an immediate end. She’ll soon get the message.

I know this might sound a little unusual, but have you thought of having some kind of ritual after dealing with your mother, especially when she is difficult or unpleasant? It would be unique to you. A way of releasing or dispelling it away from you. Help keep your strength up, as well as continuing your boundaries

So sorry, you anguish is very clear. All I can suggest is that you have a firm agreement and stick to it. Block everything else. X