mid 80s difficult dm - I tried everything

Thank you for suggesting this, I think I was subconsciously doing it after time with my DF and I stopped. Will start again!

I have a similar but different relationship with my father. Was always controlling and angry but has become x100 in old age and very demanding. Nothing I do.is good enough etc etc.

I can give you advice about phone calls etc but ultimately you need to realise (and your therapy will be good for this) that she won't change. She'll never be the mother you wanted or needed, she'll never see things from your point of view or realise you have needs of your own.

Set the bare minimum you can bare to speak to her and go on through the motions. Act like it's your job, like a social worker or carer. Take all emotions out of it as it will never change and that's not your fault.

God yes its hard. I find mine bit nosey I def dont tell her too much. I had to remind her Im in my 50s..!

X

I have a difficult relationship with my mum too. She's late 80s, lives in a Community where she can meet up with friends and neighbours every day easily, but seems to think I should be visiting more. I go once a week, that's all I can bear to be honest. She treats me like a child, wants to know what I'm doing when I'm on my phone, talks me to do my jacket up/ wear a hat/ wear a vest! She talks over me, doesn't listen to what I'm saying. I hate visiting and only do it because I have to. I count down the time until I can leave. I often don't pick up when she rings. I'm trying to look after myself (chronic pain condition, long term depression). If I don't ring during the week I get told off.

Why didn't you call at 8pm? why wait for her to call if she's difficult? Weren't you getting worried by 10:30 pm if you expected a call at 8 pm from a woman in her 80's?

White lies too. Mine knows that I have limited annual leave and little flexibility with working.

She has no idea it’s possible to buy extra annual leave and I’ve done this every year!

In the early days of the Internet, before broadband, when my husband and I built our first computer, you could not use the phone if you were on the computer. My mother would rant because she got a, according to her, constant engaged tone. She hated my husband and the Internet. She only ever rang to moan, or laugh at someone else's misfortune.

I was over 50 when I eventually took away my mother's control. She wanted me to buy a business with her (with living accommodation)..... her latest attempt to split us up. She rang to sulk over some perceived grievance. Yes! She could sulk on the phone! I had just had enough. I simply calmly told her to ring only when she was prepared to be pleasant and put the phone down. She did ring back, over a week later.... and was pleasant. All through our lives, she had manipulated my sisters and I. Divide and rule had always been her mantra. It must have really upset her, towards the end of her life, when she was ill, that we sisters somehow actually got together and made a pact to not listen to her lies, not let her manipulate us, and to talk to each other. We actually had happy family gatherings afterwards.

I blocked her number on the landline.

Hiya @PrizedPickledPopcorn I can’t really think of a specific example or elaborate - it’s such a personal thing. But I was thinking of things like prayers, self-affirmations, mantras, meditation, rituals, anything you want, whether traditional or something you create personally yourself.

I can relate to so much of this. I will say, although, be thankful she only rings. I remember mine berating me that her ‘little man’ (on MSN Messenger) was sad he’d not had a message recently. The fact I spoke nearly every day at the time, and emailed, and sent messages on another app wasn’t enough. And bonus guilt for making a bot unhappy as well as her!!!

Mine put me off relationships. She moaned when I was a teen that I’d soon have a relationship with someone, and wasn’t impressed when I got a boyfriend. She mocked me when he spoke of marriage, and wasn’t at all sympathetic when we split up. I sought safety with an older man which she didn’t like, but decided there was nothing between us. When another bloke started a campaign of assault against me (minor-ish, and I didn’t feel I could complain) she blamed me, turned it into a joke and pushed me once into a situation where I was alone with him. She was only happy for me to socialise with people she approved of (ie those who couldn’t see through her) and wasn’t quite keen for me to lose my virginity to someone of her choosing. When I was in my mid 20s (and long since moved far, far away) she found the perfect house for us to move into together (which had an annex for me) but laughingly agreed that of course I’d never be allowed time alone in my part of the house.

Shed ring at work, always with an excuse but would then try to segue into a chat, despite knowing I was at work and thus meant to be working.

I learnt to lie convincingly. ‘Luckily’ mobile reception was poor where I lived and I had no landline, so calls would often be ‘missed. Few holidays meant little time with her. Emails could be ignored until I had the strength to deal with her. Luckily she’s now in a home with an awful switchboard so it’s hard for me to get through.

I know I sound awful but sometimes you have to take care of yourself. And now I have a child I need to protect which gives me an added incentive.

How did today’s call go?

If it’s a mobile use the Do Not Disturb function on the phone. You can set it to allow certain numbers through eg a work number or your partner.

If it’s a landline call just unplug it at the wall, or disconnect from the base. Ours has an on/off switch so can be turned off if necessary.

When you say it's a landline call is she calling your landline or your mobile from her landline. Because if it's your mobile the do not disturb function is your friend.

The problem of always looking for solutions! Love it.

My problem, apparently, is that I look for the good. Apparently I should assume people are awful rather than thinking they’ve made a mistake, and should be angry rather than disappointed or worried.

One of the problems with being raised as we were, rather totalitarian, is that we see the problem in black and white as well.

You could go out for lunch with your friend and then eat again at 4pm with your mum. Choose something lighter while you are out, and don’t eat much with your mum.

Just because she can’t compromise doesn’t mean things have to be done her way.

Mine doesn’t actually like me going out at all when I’m staying with her. It’s made it hard to stay in touch with old friends and other family members. She needs me present at all times, talks at me while I’m in the loo, likes me to watch her try on clothes… it’s painful. I’m delighted when she has something on and goes to it, releasing me to an hour’s silence or a catch up with someone else.

I’m not criticising, by the way, just pointing out an option that might work. We have blind spots about our own terrorist parent. They take us hostage and we have to find ways to survive round the edges, it feels like.

Ca you try sharing the ‘really good news’ about your increased hours? Talk at some length about the relief of an increase in income, how it helps you feel less anxious about the future, that it will be hard work but worth it, and you’ll be a bit busier and will still be able to ring every week, maybe on a Friday would work best and you’re so relieved and so pleased to have the opportunity…

Slip the news in the middle of a really positive sentence. She may feel socially obliged to go along with the idea it’s a good thing!

@frenchpharmacy glad you have found a way to navigate. Whilst I was sorting out nursing care for my father, which is not an easy thing to do when he had such high nursing needs, the paperwork and admin alone took me ages then dashing off to look after one of my adult children who had a sudden serious health issue and lived alone over 300 miles away so rather than take my mothers food round for her myself I organised a food delivery from a supermarket-which she at first refused to take but then did but then threw it all away. One sibling told me that I should not have organised the food delivery and I should have made sure I took the food myself - I am retired they are not so my time is deemed less valuable! Anyway when I explained that it seemed a sensible solution under the circumstances They told me - and this is not a joke…..’that’s your problem BlueLegume, you are always looking for solutions’.

Yes, I am - no one has yet explained why I was the problem!!

Keep being strong - don’t intend to hijack your thread BTW……just highlighting what people like us have to deal with before the ‘but they are your parents…..‘comments appear, which happily is rare on here. Stick to your guns.

@frenchpharmacy couldn’t read your posts and walk on by. Absolutely feel for you. Far too many of us in this situation. I have distanced myself over the past 6 months and whilst I do feel better there are wobbles of guilt. However when they surface I remind myself of something you mention in your final post - you are missing a mother you never had.

Same with mine - if I pushed back she blew up - as does one of my siblings who seems to have a very rose tinted memory of life with our mother.

Keep us updated-we have all the resources you mentioned in the first post - sadly parents like our lack any internal resources so do not understand why they cannot have what they want.

Also remember that your behavioural changes are for your benefit, and you are changing yourself not her. Don’t expect her to learn to be different because you are handling her differently.

She’ll carry on as she is.

Have you tried pushing back on any of these subjects? Gently perhaps, but not letting her narrative stand?

‘Yes mum, I always wanted dc but you went on about what a burden it was, how I’d never cope and it put me off!’

Always agree even when you are contradicting her. Start with yes then explain actually, no.

‘Yes mum, I’m really busy so won’t ring now until Friday.’

Yes means you hear what she wants and understand her needs, and you are sticking to your guns.

‘No’ and ‘but’ are triggers she listens out for and is primed to explode about.

Don’t beat yourself up for finding it hard. She’s groomed you for a lifetime to operate according to her needs not your own. You’ve done really well to identify it and put measures in. Don’t be surprised if it takes a while- you are reversing a lifetime’s training. There will be occasional slip ups!

@Prettystarry could you elaborate please? I need this- DM’s shenanigans haunt us as a family. We end up rehashing her appalling behaviour after each incident and need to learn how to switch away out of that place back to the more cheerful world we have made for ourselves!
Any suggestions?

I think treating her like a toddler is excellent advice. Or someone with severe mental health issues. I don’t believe my mother is in control of her behaviour. She’s never been pleasant to me but the filter has gone and she just blurts out rude and hurtful comments. Her emotions are all over the place. Some days she’s vulnerable and others she’s rude and cutting. She forgets what’s she’s said as soon as it’s out of her mouth ( if it’s hurtful), denies accountability and blames me . I’ve realised she’s half senile but also mentally ill. Don’t treat her like a rational person and prioritise your own wellbeing.