Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

@rookiemere Sorry to hear that your DF's health has been worse, but good news that it seems to have triggered some changes. Your DH sounds amazing!

I hope you manage to go ahead with the interview- always good to have more options

@bigbootsweatheryour DB really is a piece of work, particularly when he has no intention of following through on any of it. I mean basically he is denying her the help she needs, and the social workers wouldn’t be offering it if it wasn’t needed.

As it turns out I don’t think DFs driving will be an issue any more. I had asked DH to phone them this morning and he said DF sounded confused and said he had run out of insulin. DH decided to go up as DF sounded very bad, also I was worried about his hand. Long story short DH took him to A&E and his blood sugars are high and his hand has cellulitis. He is being kept in overnight to see if they can determine if there is a source of the extreme confusion- he has been much worse than normal. DH had a conversation with him about driving and also mentioned about DF driving and the bumps to gardeners van to all the medical professionals. So I think that’s that. Also we will refuse to let DF be released without a care package and DH told them that DF can no longer be considered a carer for DM.

Sometimes I think I married the most amazing man in the world!

I will likely go up tomorrow. I do want to go ahead with the interview on Tuesday but let’s see how realistic that is. I do have another job in the bag starting February- it’s not quite as ideal as not right beside me but still part time and reasonably close.

@rookiemere It can't be easy having to make a report to the DVLA about your Dad, but I bet it's a relief to know that it's being dealt with. Just this week there was a report in our local news about a driver being stopped by the police for driving several miles the wrong way down a dual carriageway, narrowly missing several cars, and being taken in for medical assessments- which made me think it could well be a confused older person. I hope you've managed to prepare for your interview- the main piece of wisdom I've taken from reading the posts on this thread is that when helping our elderly relatives we really do need to protect the time we need for our own lives. Which is far easier to advise than to do.

Since I last posted about my Mum's position, Mum had a fall and ended up in A&E for a CT scan etc as a precaution since she couldn't remember what happened, whether she hit her head/passed out or how long it took her to get to her phone. I was not entirely surprised as she'd had a very confused/paranoid week and told me the night before that she was going to stop sleeping as she was scared of nightmares. As a positive, the experience did mean she agreed to speak to social services about options for getting some external help etc
Unfortunately, Mum wanted Brother to be there when we met the social worker. He dismissed most ideas put forward and said he and his partner already have plans in place to deal with just about everything raised. This included one of them staying with her at least once a week (more if she is feeling worried) and doing her cleaning then, batch cooking to provide her with easy home cooked food, calling in on her every evening after work, taking her out every weekend, taking her to see old friends and loads more practical things around fitting a keybox/grab rails/making her bathroom accessible. He did a very convincing act of being Son of the Year whilst I was made out to be the bad daughter making calls to social services. So other than agreeing to get a fall alarm (that am having to arrange) nothing has changed. Already Brother has decided that staying with her once a week is too much, calling in every evening is unreasonable and that when he said he'd cook for her he only meant on Sundays. He has also had a rethink about taking her to see old friends and decided it makes more sense if they just come to her. Nothing has happened with any of the practical things he promised, so it will be expected that I sort this out too. This is a very predictable response from him, and exactly why I worry about the fact that he's promised Mum she will never have to go in to a home. It's very frustrating and I know I will have to go over the whole thing again next time she has a crisis.

It’s the pharmacy that messed up in giving her an extra tablet. At one point, before she went on to dosette boxes, the carers were prompting with medication but it made things worse as they tried getting her to change the times or skip medication. She knows now to check she’s taken everything. She’s pretty good with her medication but sometimes drops one. Luckily yesterday she missed the aspirin so she felt better. She has Alexa reminders for her medication too so she doesn’t get muddled up with the timings.

@dormit. Social services took over Mum’s prescriptions and giving her tablets when she came out of hospital because she kept forgetting and getting mixed up. It’s the primary reason for her having carers twice a day. She has to pay (but in Wales at the moment if Social Services deem social care necessary then the maximum charge is £400 a month and attendance allowance goes a long way towards covering this.) They have a chart from the pharmacy, they collect the tablets and we installed a small safe for the medication.
I can only say that it is a huge relief to me. I don’t know if it’s worth your while speaking to the doctor, pharmacy or social services.

I think I need to take my own advice and not worry so much and jump to the worst case scenario. We went to mum’s yesterday and she was much better. Upright, bright, engaged, and her normal self. She’d taken my advice to eat with her morning medication and not go back to sleep. All good. Later Ds passed her her dosette box and he noticed she’d missed a tablet at some point. It could only have been the bedtime before or that morning. A bit of detective work and it was aspirin. The aspirin that’s not supposed to be in the dosette box because she’s been changed over to a different medication and the aspirin stopped. The pharmacy seem to have messed this up as the GP documented the changes and sent them to the pharmacy. Today she’s much better again so it seems to be that the aspirin mixed with the two new heart meds really upset her hiatus hernia and acid reflux. I’m just so glad she’s feeling better. Yesterday I made her a banana loaf and some egg mayo for sandwiches and the carers have obviously had a strong talking to because they are suddenly doing a better job. They are more on the ball and so is mum. She’s been doing her exercises and her posture is better so it’s all good. Thanks for listening to me moan.

Solidarity @Dormit, I found with the carers that you really have to lower your expectations. One of mums was bloody fantastic and she used to brighten up when he came, and another had common sense too. The rest were well meaning box tickers without an ounce of initiative. Every week I’d be leaving notes and really felt like I was micromanaging them.

Yes I definetly think its about control @MotherOfCatBoy she is very passive about everything else. I wish she'd speak up a bit about other things such as actually asking BIL what day he's collecting her for Christmas rather worrying about it and not eating.

@rookiemere whatever you do, concentrate on that interview!!! You have to do something for you, first and foremost - the rest will have to slot into place around it.

@StillNiceCardigan I rather agree you cannot influence your MIL’s eating patterns. Is she doing it to gain an element of control in the family? I could imagine that like a toddler, when your world is very small, using food to control caregivers could be very attractive if you feel powerless yourself.

@Dormit hang in there. Your Mum sounds sad about her lot. It’s understandable and it must weigh on you, but you cannot magically make her feel happy. Just do what you can, and don’t exhaust yourself - your energies are not infinite.

...........but goodness this caring lark is hard work

Absolutely @StillNiceCardigan it really, really is.

I agree with everyone that at age 84 its too late to change MILs eating patterns but the frustrating thing is she will eat unless she knows she can get away with not doing so. She'll tell her lovely carer thats she's not hungry and doesnt need breakfast, she'll send back most of her lunch and freely admit to doing it but she'll usually eat everything with us and ate enough with FIL as well.

Its just been a tough few weeks for various reasons and having MIL refusing to have even a quarter of a sandwhich when you know she's barely eaten all day was so frustrating. I had a good chat to her this morning and cleared the air a bit but goodness this caring lark is hard work.

Hi @Dormit I'm sorry you're so down at the moment.

Wouldn't a good cleaner who would reliably do laundry be a better option, if the house is a mess? I hear you on that, and it would drive me to distraction.

Carers have far too many clients, as you know.

They never know how long they're going to be at one, before having to get to the next.
They don't get paid for driving time between clients.
They get paid very little anyway, so the job doesn't always seem an attractive option.
That's why they find it easier to quickly microwave a ready meal.

Maybe your mum needs to compromise on that? It might be a better option than having badly cooked fresh food, which only gets wasted anyway.

It's worrying about your own health being so badly affected too. I mean both your physical and psychological health.

I feel I’m at breaking point again from the mental load. Sometimes I feel like she’s not making an effort unless I’m there. She’s always breathless when she answers the phone despite being set down and not breathless when I'm
there. She needs constant reminders from me to do her exercises despite being told by the physio to do them hourly. I’ll be sttting the Alexas to remind her. She’s just so negative all the time and it’s so draining. She keeps crying and saying she doesn’t feel well but apart from her spinal condition everything else is treated and there’s no reason for her to feel unwell. It seems like a psychological issue rather than a physical one now. My sister is actually taking her to an appointment on Monday. She was reluctant to ask her saying she’d be working but I pushed and sister can actually take her. That saves me dropping off Ds early then praying for an Uber to take me to mum’s to pick her up then go on to the hospital in less than an hour.
I can’t help but feel like she’s declining now and I’m not coping with that. Hopefully she’ll be better after her next surgery because the pain does get her down but she’s not in pain unless walking or standing so most of the day she’s not got pain.
Ive got a heart scan on Tuesday and I’m seeing homeless dd on Wednesday snd taking mum to see the pain specialist on Friday. I’ll clean on Thursday or Saturday depending. There’s so many sooointnents lately for mum, me and the children. Everything is a fight but at least my latest bloods show I’m no longer pre-diabetic 😁
sorry for the moan

@StillNiceCardigan where my elderly relative is, there is an Elderly Mental Health team who came out to talk with her for quite a few sessions. But she was unhappy because she'd been widowed and her life upended. Eating disorders are a whole 'nother ballpark, I'm afraid...

@Dormit there's something about that head-down posture that makes it particularly hard to see. Hope you can get the carer issues sorted.

I think it’s difficult to get elderly parents to eat at the best of times but with eating disorder history it’s going to be both on impossible. My own mum is struggling to eat at the mine r since being in hospital with her heart. The new medication is making her feel sick and giving her indigestion. It took her an hour to eat 3/4 of a sandwich yesterday and I had to keep prompting her. She forgot her banking app log in again this week which worries me. She becomes almost child like sometimes and sits with her head tucked down and slumped forward. The GP didn’t get back to me about a dementia assessment so I’ll need to chase that on Monday. The carers are utter shite. They aren’t giving her the option of what foods are in the fridge so loads is going out of date. I left her with a piece of salmon and veg last night for her dinner. The carer doesn’t know how to cook and says that all the other carees eat ready meals. Mum has an air fryer so it’s quick to do everything she’s got. The carer cooked the salmon first, overcooked it, then left it on a plate THEN started cooking the veg. So the salmon was overcooked and cold and mum had nothing but broccoli and carrots for dinner and the salmon once again has gone in the bin. She then left the door unlocked so I had to phone the agency to tell her to go back and sort it all out. She made mum a toasted teacake and locked the door. When mum was assessed by social services one of the main things was that she doesn’t like ready meals and this agency accepted the tender from SS saying they could meet mum’s needs. They can’t. They are nice women who come but they are bloody useless. The laundry was draped half on the maiden and half on the floor. Kitchen sides aren’t being cleaned. It’s causing a lot of upset for mum and stress for me. Mum has asked for a different agency and I fully agree. They have half an hour to cook something that takes 15 minutes but they keep saying they don’t have time. They want to put a ready meal in the microwave for a few minutes then go. And they still aren’t coming at the right time. How can carers be so bloody incompetent.

@Mumbles12I hope your pains settle down, such a rubbish thing to happen.

I feel sad but I know I am doing the right thing as it can’t continue as it is. There really should be a reflex test for driving over a certain age, it could easily be done on a computer screen at the opticians, it would stop so many of these scenarios.

It will hit them hard. At the minute driving out for little errands is DFs only escape from DM and the house, apart from his probus meeting. I shbe able to organise a taxi for that as it’s a regular occurrence and I have the time table, but the taxi service isn’t hugely reliable and he isn’t really capable of getting buses so I will try to investigate other options. I was thinking maybe a carer/driver to take him out for a couple of hours, but he is likely to reject that. DH says he can go up more often once he is retiring at the end of the year, but he’s good on promises and less good on delivering consistently. I can’t/won’t drive DF around, he is very shouty and dismissive of my driving and I get nervous.

I am also going to ring up/email some local care homes and ask about waiting lists/prices for respite care. I feel we aren’t far from that point.

Sadly a lovely neighbour of my DPs has died. He was - I think - in his 70s and he and his DW were constantly off on holidays to the Canaries and Lake District. It seems so unfair that he is no longer here and my DPs (92 & 87) are. Sorry that sounds an awful thing to say, it probably is.

@StillNiceCardigan I agree with the other posters - eating-disordered people have very firmly entrenched behaviour patterns, generally stretching back decades.

There isn't anything now that will change that in your MIL.
I recall a Louis Theroux documentary about anorexia, where he showed a 70 year old woman who had had a diagnosis for well over 40 years.
She was still only eating about 300 calories a day when at home, although she was also frequently sectioned and admitted for treatment in a psychiatric hospital.

Some days, she ate nothing, to compensate for supposedly eating too much the day before.

It doesn't seem to me that there is anything that will realistically change anything in your MIL's mindset. I'm sorry you're worrying about this on top of everything else.

With regard to that toddler's death, it was later discovered that the driver did in fact have a diagnosis of dementia.

@rookiemere I'm glad you've made the report. The DVLA will not tell your dad who did so, so you're safe.
I'm often reminded of THIS CASE when elderly drivers are discussed.

@StillNiceCardigan I think that sadly you'll not be able to change her eating patterns. My aunt has had the remnants of an ED since she was late teens when it was really bad, it's remarkable to me that she has had so much energy and good health until she was in her mid seventies. She's sadly in a care home now and still very underweight.
@rookiemere I'm glad that you are having the difficult conversation with your dad about driving. I am feeling the after effects of the 88 year old who crashed into me earlier this week. Bruised in multiple places and aching and really tired as I'm averaging about four to five hours sleep a night. And my car has been written off so I've got the hassle of sourcing another second hand one.

@StillNiceCardiganwhat age is MIL ? If she has had an eating disorder for at least 40 years, gently I would say there is very little you or DH can do about it. Does your DH have her signed consent to talk directly to her doctors? If not then see how that can be arranged and he could speak with them, and if so he could call to raise his concerns.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneI wanted to thank you. I had been putting my head in the sand regarding DFs driving, but yesterday when I was up at theirs I spoke to the gardeners and he said DF had scraped their van a few times when reversing out of their very wide drive. I have put an anonymous report into the DVLA and will progress further through the doctors.

On Monday I need to try to speak to their doctors ( it’s almost impossible because of the 8am bun fight to get an appointment) and try and get him seen because of his hand, but also it’s time to speak to them about his memory loss. Of course what are they going to do as nobody can force him/them to get the help they need. I talked to another friend on the phone who has moved in her demented DM. It feels like the erosion of my own life is inevitable as I can’t maintain the boundaries I need for my own health if they refuse any professional health. I have an interview next week for a perfect part time role, right beside where we live but instead of preparing for it I am now in a tailspin because of yesterday’s visit.

Is there anything we can actually do about the fact that MIL has a long standing eating disorder? She's been terrible with food for the whole 40 years I've known her. She was eating ok but she's still very thin after her and FIL weren't eating when his dementia meant he couldnt cook for her anymore. Its been a year since FIL went into a care home and she hasn't put any weight back on (FIL has put his weight back and more!)

She has currently reverted to not eating because she's stressed about going to BILs for Christmas. Tonight we had a complete refusal to even eat a small sandwhich.
DH is completely exasperated with her. Last Christmas was awful and we've agreed with our DC that we would be away this year. I really don't care if she's stressed about Christmas its time BIL actually did something and he is her son too.

Does anyone know anything about talking therapies or CBT for older people

Hi funnelfan

Thanks for your reply.

My dad has actually been going to all the appointments on his own (mum has largely checked out) so it's very likely he will have dismissed any help and said his family will help him.

Assuming my dad will have been running his 5 star emulator they'd have no reason to disbelieve him.

Mum has tried to engage him about a few times but he got very aggressive so she gave up.

I think it's probably been left too late to put in any post op care, whether provided via the hospital or privately.
I'm currently about to try and claim attendance allowance for my mum so she can get a cleaner but that wont kick in for months. (They can easily afford this but so dysfunctional)

What I think needs to happen is a safeguarding referral to social services and some contact with their GP.

The trouble is, if i do it they will know it was me as im the only one apart from sibling who knows what is going on.

When mum was in rehab for 6 weeks after brain surgery, the geriatric SW pulled me to one side and said my parents seemed very co-dependant.

Because I'm ND I just didn't pick up the hint to discuss it. Not sure where i would go about it now. I've mentioned getting SS involved but sibling refuses to get SS involved as 'they will take the house'.

Frankly i want to check out of it all and leave them to get on with it.
The only reason I havnt is because I still want a relationship with my mum and if my dad goes first i want to be around to make sure my mum is ok.

If it happens the other way round I will remove myself for my sanity.

Honestly up until 5 years ago i thought my parents had a happy marriage and i grew up in a normal family 😂

I am slowly making my way through this newest thread to acquaint myself, so far i feel i am definitely in the right place!

Newcomers are always welcome as long as they aren't the "your so horrid/ how could you it's your mother (other relatives are available)/ other cultures are much kinder type". Anyone labouring under the burden or anxious about the direction their parents are heading in will always find a shoulder to cry on here.