Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

What is it with brothers doing that. A friend had the same problem. Now they are having to go to he court or protection route and hoping it comes through before she dies to avoid even more complications and delays.

@GnomeDePlume Yes, we're in the process of sorting LPA. Mum's still in the early stages at the moment it's clear that still has a good understanding of what's happening in general, and can make her own decisions- she 'just' gets confused/paranoid sometimes and struggles processing some tasks that would have been second nature a year ago. Mum was also hiding what was happening until DF's unexpected death not long ago but fortunately things haven't progressed too far to get some plans in place. We already have LPA in place for my (very independent and capable) MIL just in case it's ever needed.
Brother, as usual, has slowed things down somewhat by telling Mum she should make sure she only signs up to LPA when she's sure she needs it. The fact we already have it for my spritely, younger, MIL has helped persuade her he's wrong, and the social worker we spoke to not long ago reiterated that it was a good idea to get things in place now, which helped a lot.

@Dormit We've just been through similar with Mum. She was trying to make excuses for her behaviour (tiredness, physical illness, intentionally 'being silly' etc) and hide what was happening but she actually seems to have found it easier and gets upset less now that we have seen the GP and are actively dealing with the fact that she clearly has some form of dementia. I think she finds it easier now that she has told some of her friends and extended family, and can have an open conversation with me about being confused without wanting to cover it up. Hopefully your mum will find some similar relief in getting help too.

Sounds very similar to my parents but with additional bonus violence in my DF's case. I'd like to say its only happened recently but he has form for being a an aggressive short tempered manipulative bully who's also very charming and convincing when he needs to be.

Found out he is being discharged this afternoon.

He cant walk without a zimmer after 5 days, cant do stairs and has weakness from a stroke he had in 2022. To be honest I'm amazed they even did the operation - he must have been very convincing during his pre op appointments!
Apparently the physio tried to set up home care for washing and dressing and he turned it down. Physio rang sibling to tell her he would need a bed downstairs and that he's rejected homecare but sibling rang DF and told him the help would help DM and it would mean she could go home at night. His response 'i will do anything that helps you and mum'. I have no words really. I will go and see mum on Friday.

That's difficult for her and you but at least she is going to see the GP about it.

This is interesting but not surprising. i think my DM may have bucked the stats as she spent 12 weeks in various hospitals but 8 weeks of that was in a rehab place where for the first time in her life, she was the focus of attention and not my father and she came out stronger than she has been for years!

Mum has accepted that something isn’t right and is going to see the GP. I think she’s got vascular dementia like my grandad did. She’s getting muddled up with increasing frequency and the appointment for next week she thought was today so she’s booked transport for the wrong day. She was fine at organising this previously. She has conversations with be but doesn’t tell me the important part of things or leaves it til last so we have a frustrating conversation when it would have been straight forward if she’d have told me the right information at the start. She’s agitated because she’s getting muddled up and frequently tearful. The changes have been vague and fluctuating up until fairly recently but they are definitely more pronounced now and difficult for me to cope with and mum can’t pretend it’s not happening anymore.

Holidays? 😂 it’s just worrying but further away!

it’s my day off today. So far I’ve had a call from the pharmacist about mum’s medication, a called from social services who are going to get a new care agency and also get mum a social worker, and I’ve spent ages repeatedly phoning the local charity that takes her to her appointments to try and arrange transport to the dentist next week. Social services are really on the ball and are going to see what they can do to ease things for me.

Sorry I feel I am hogging the thread quite a lot at the minute . The bad times seem to come in waves though so hopefully it may calm down soon.

@NattyKnitter116its really horrible when they are at the stage where DPs are better off apart. Sadly with DM and DF this is true. DM seemed so much more content without DF shouting and I could easily sort out the meals she likes for the carers to microwave. Now DF has been let out of hospital and as she phoned last night I heard him shouting about something in the background. Meanwhile she is masking his dementia and helping create the illusion he can manage at home.

Sigh - I spoke to social care this morning and asked them to register a risk that DF would sabotage DMs increased care package of carers preparing her meals.

I find it all so hard to be around and I feel sorry for DM. DF has always been shouty and up until recently DM got round it by ignoring it. Thankfully DH seems to be immune and DF seems to respond to what he says.

I was going to say it’s sad when a long happy marriage ends up like this, but actually reading back I am not sure the happy bit rings true. It’s certainly strengthened my marriage,DH can be a right pedantic pain a lot of the time but he has stepped up so much, I couldn’t manage this without him.

I watched my local news last night that was doing a section about the nhs and the introduction of virtual care wards ( care at home with medical input ) and it stated that when an elderly person has a hospital stay for longer than 10 days , it has an impact on their mobility equal to 10 years of mobility decline . Shocking .

I’m so glad I found this thread. It’s incredibly helpful to realise how common the experiences are as well as my feelings and reactions.

DM told me yesterday that sibling had spent yesterday at hospital and apparently physio thinks DF will need to stay for rehab or at least have home physio. DM hopeful it’s rehab as that gives her a break from him but she’s worried he won’t get it as sibling keeps telling hosp that she can help as much as needed (not realistic).
Of course DF just wants out of hospital regardless of impact on DM or anyone else.
We’re going to see DM later in week and really hope DF still in there as that way at least we can take her for a short visit then spend some time alone with her away from the gatekeepers.

Not embarrassing yourself is a good step towards getting the job, fingers crossed @rookiemere !

Ah yes @MysterOfwomanYthe holidays that aren’t really a break because in the back of your mind is the worrying niggle and a horrible lurch if your phone rings.

Well DF has been released from hospital with no package. I did actually put my foot down for once when they rang up to ask if he could be collected. I pointed out that it would be a 2 hour return trip for us and he lives two miles up the road and I couldn’t come today, they said they would keep him in overnight so I could collect him tomorrow. At this point I asked why if he was apparently so compos mentis he couldn’t just get a cab using the money I gave him yesterday. Reluctantly it was agreed this could happen.

DM texted to say she enjoyed her 3 days without DF, I suspect she might agree to move into a home just to get away from him, DH is going to have a quiet word with her when he goes up.DMs care agency wanted a discussion in person and shopping arrangements and taxis need to be sorted out for DF. I have started having panic attacks again so wonderful DH has agreed to go.

Fingers crossed on the job, suspect I won’t be offered it but I didn’t embarrass myself at interview which I was worried about.

@MysterOfwomanY yeah it’s always lingering in the background. My fifties and early sixties (let’s be honest my whole life) have/has been utterly blighted by my parents. As a kid never pretty enough-yes my parents were beautiful-I was plain; they hated that and made it my fault. At my age my parents were on cruises without a care. Huge pensions after mediocre careers in the public sector.

@MotherOfCatBoy This year I managed to go on a long (uk-based) trip which was something of a bucket list item and I couldn't enjoy the prep for it at all as I was so worried that a crisis would happen and I couldn't do it. (Background: I did have to cancel a "big" holiday the previous autumn because everything kicked off).
Even when we do get away I'm sure we're all familiar with that faint background niggle that doesn't go away until you're home and all the plates have been given that extra spin to get them level again.

I have offended DM. One of the symptoms of her Hydrocephalus is urinary incontinence and combined with the dementia and the refusal to allow the carers to do any personal care, well, sometimes she smells and the house smells.
I called in this afternoon and made her go and change and I did some cleaning up and spraying of febreze etc but now she is offended and is claiming the smell is onions that she cooked lunchtime. No, she did not cook onions because a) she doesn’t know how to use the cooker and b) DB and I do all her shopping and neither of us have bought onions for her.

@rookiemere fingers crossed fr the job.

@MotherOfCatBoy hopefully early January provided nothing untoward shows up in the blood tests and no more hypos. We were already planning to downsize and move somewhere more convenient next year but this has reinforced things.

Well done on going to the interview @rookiemere , hope you get the job!

how long before DH can drive again @countrygirl99 ?

Im in a fallow period with DPs at the moment, not so many appointments. Going to see them tomorrow. Plan to go through their fridge and clear it out. Am always waiting for the disaster that so far has not happened but which is inevitable.

This is exactly how my fella manages his mental mother. It’s really bizarre how exact the threshold is. If he fails to meet it she’s suddenly at deaths door, if he over schedules she blanks him. He’s far more tolerant than me!

Ha my fella does this too. I assumed it was an engineer thing. I also try not to engage with it so much. I assume it’s a habit on his part as he is an obsessive problem solver.
luckily for I really love him ;-)

Good luck, hopefully you made it. advice I was given a few years ago is not to be too available and its one reason why I’b
ve not retired yet as I could see myself being subsumed in to the dramas being created by sibling. Yes It means you are swapping one set of demands for another but at least one is getting you paid. I have a friend who does not need to work as she is actually on a disability pension, but she works to avoid being the defacto ‘go to’ person by SS and the like. If people can’t get hold of you they will either have to manage or get hold of the next person on the list. I know it sounds a bit brutal but if you have told them what’s what and they arnt listening then may find it effective to enforce the boundary with actions instead of words. Today my messages from sibling are silenced - despite my advice I lost sight of it over the weekend and was daft enough to unsilence the messages.

Thank you team cockroach! I made it through the interview, answered all the questions and didn’t burst into tears so that counts as a win in my book.I have to say it feels nice to have smart work clothes and make up on. If I don’t get this one I do have a part time role lined up in February which I interviewed for before things got so bad.

@Iladyyou are right - I am one year short of my full NI stamp as well. I get so angry when DF talks about the massive inheritance they will leave, when I would rather just have the opportunity to earn my own money rather than eroding our own savings, and they can spend all that lovely money on care homes rather than donating it to the tax man when they go.

I certainly never intended not to be working age 55, maybe if I was able to waft around and enjoy it, it might be fun, but I prefer being in a work environment mixing with a variety of age groups.

Rookiemere put the phone on mute and concentrate on yourself. You deserve this job and deserve to get the income it brings. If your working your not available for all the problems and other people and various services will have to step up.

You also need to consider that in paid employment you gaining NI stamps towards your state pension. You need to think of your own long term future as well.