Being driven mad

TopazQuartz · 2025-10-14T22:44:36+00:00

That about sums it up. Elderly parent who is always one step ahead of me because she's thinking things I don't even think about. She has a doctor's appointment and the doctor's is around the corner from her but somehow she's wangled a lift from me. I'm supposed to be working so now will be calling work and going in late. She says her leg is 'bad' at the moment, yet will be fine walking everywhere else once I've dropped her at the doctors and won't want a lift back, will walk it and will do a few miles while shopping. I don't mind giving her a life btw, it's the way she gets me in a trap each time over stuff. My point is that she doesn't need a lift, not in the least and I'm supposed to be at work then. She told me 2 weeks ago about this appointment and said she'd be arranging a lift from a local charity and that she likes that because she gets to meet new people. But now it's tomorrow and she's done FA about organising that. I seem to be caught out by her all the time as she's plotting and planning things that I need to be doing with her. She has no empathy and only continually thinking about what she wants me to do for her. So I'm visiting to enjoy the company, meanwhile she's thinking only of what she needs me for. Too late to change things now but I'm falling into the same trap repeatedly. I'm not functioning right or she's not. I don't seem to have any radar for when I'm going to be roped into stuff. Can anyone relate? I don't mind giving her a lift, it's not about that it's about the traps she's setting constantly. She knows I'm supposed to be at work yet somehow she's convinced me that I need to call in, be late, and get her to the doctor's for what is a routine check up. And worse, she is not direct, she hints about everything and still I fall in the trap.

OLDERME · 17/10/2025 01:03

JUST SAY NO, AND MEAN IT! You know that you can't keep on doing this. Good luck.

Firefly100 · 16/10/2025 09:02

You will be driven mad until you are able to say no and make it stick. She is the unreasonable manipulative one but only you can change the dynamic.
How often do you see her / contact her? You just happened to be there the day before her appointment? Maybe see her / telephone her less then she has less opportunity to ask in person.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/10/2025 08:46

OP, do you know grey rock? You need a bit more practice.

You need to stop solving her problems and start listening and saying, ’oh dear, what a shame’.

I solve DM’s problems when I can out of guilt for not liking her and trying to avoid her. Is that at the root of why you struggle to let her sort herself out?

For those about to jump on me and say how awful I am for being so uncaring about my poor elderly Mother- please don’t. She’s a piece of work and relentlessly bullies everyone around her. I do a lot more than my fair share to take the edge of the isolation she has earned with her appalling ways.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/10/2025 08:41

I have one. It’s why I haven’t retired or moved closer to her, she makes my life a misery from 3 hours away. Heaven help if I were nearer.
Mine currently wants me to take her to a family funeral somewhere a long way from either of us, so essentially I’d travel to her, then we’d travel up together, then I’d take her home and get back myself.

She’s absolutely dead set against anything that works for me. Only interested in getting the maximum convenience for herself.

I’m really struggling at the moment with my own stuff, and she’s totally uninterested. When people have mothers that’s they miss, I struggle to imagine what it’s like.

Irenesortof · 16/10/2025 08:06

OP you are blaming your mum for your part in this. You need to say No mum, I can’t take time off for this. Or perhaps, I said too quickly that I could take you, but I realise I can’t.
You make it so clear that you are willing it’s not surprising that she acts accordingly.

Homegrownberries · 16/10/2025 07:35

This is on you. You need to learn to say no when it's appropriate.

PermanentTemporary · 16/10/2025 07:20

But your no didn’t mean no. She has successfully manipulated you in the past and knows that you will crack a lot of the time with the right pressure. The only way your no can mean no is if you stick to it.

This sounds really critical of you doesn’t it? It’s not meant to. You’re a loving person trying to manage a really difficult situation with someone who like most people is more interested in themselves than others. It goes against the grain for you to say no to her when with a lot of effort you could just about do what she asks… and as you say she has taught you to blank out and be unable to defend yourself when she demands something. I don’t think she necessarily planned that particularly. My dad used to do it; he would leave financial things to the moment when he was being threatened and it all needed to be fixed at that moment before he would ask, because when things were that bad we struggled to say no. When I set up a monthly direct debit for him to try and stop the crises, he never once acknowledged it because it upset him that it broke the illusion that he was coping.

Original poster

TopazQuartz · 16/10/2025 01:37

PermanentTemporary · 15/10/2025 04:48

It does sound really tricky.

I agree with those who say you need to practice one or more holding responses until they’re more automatic.

I’m interested though in why you offered to take her two weeks ago. it was always going to be a working day and an awkward ask, and you know she has form for asking at the last minute. I know I got in a way with my mum of wanting to seem generous and giving but ending up offering things that made life really difficult, and resenting that.

In fact, you were also trying to manipulate, in a positive way; you want your mum to book things with you in advance. That’s very reasonable, and I’m sure you have said it clearly at times, but that time you went for an indirect way of doing it. But that form of manipulation is only going to work if you back it up by not being available at short notice.

Not sure what the indirect manipulation was on my part but appreciate your response. I offered two weeks ago because that gave me time to arrange work around it (I have a lot of flexibility at work).

Your response has reminded me that I take things literally, no means no, etc. With her, no means she'll probably try to wangle it the day before but say no to start with to appear more independent than she actually wants to be.

Not meaning to sound critical, but my eyes have been opened in the last few years

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Neveranynamesleft · 15/10/2025 06:39

You are complaining that you keep getting caught out and end up helping with everything as though it's your mums fault. But you are an adult with a life and commitments of your own. Grow a pair, stop making excuses about yourself and practice saying ' no sorry I can't help with that '

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/10/2025 05:07

Can you book her a taxi? And then message her & say you can't flex work. Give her the taxi details including the cost & let her get on with it. Ignore any messages or calls. Go to work.
It's not letting her down as you've arranged a replacement. Start to put boundaries in place. Time to be more aware of her manipulation & change your default answer to I'll have to check & get back to you.

PermanentTemporary · 15/10/2025 04:48

It does sound really tricky.

I agree with those who say you need to practice one or more holding responses until they’re more automatic.

I’m interested though in why you offered to take her two weeks ago. it was always going to be a working day and an awkward ask, and you know she has form for asking at the last minute. I know I got in a way with my mum of wanting to seem generous and giving but ending up offering things that made life really difficult, and resenting that.

In fact, you were also trying to manipulate, in a positive way; you want your mum to book things with you in advance. That’s very reasonable, and I’m sure you have said it clearly at times, but that time you went for an indirect way of doing it. But that form of manipulation is only going to work if you back it up by not being available at short notice.

Enough4me · 15/10/2025 00:57

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:50

Yes I'll have to do this but you know she'll still keep talking about the appointment the day before it, laying on as much guilt as possible. I don't feel guilty but she's trying to make me out to be a bad, or selfish person. I don't need to hear all about the appointment, or who she's got to take her, or how she will organise her time or who she hopes (from the charity) will arrive to take her, etc

Show quote history

Simply say, "I'll check my calendar and then message after to say no". Retrain her thought processes to see you are not a puppet.

Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:50

Enough4me · 15/10/2025 00:30

OP you need to change.
Stop replying at the time and say, "I'll have to check my calendar I think I have work calls booked". She doesn't know if you do or don't, you're just showing her that your time cannot be taken for granted.
At home you can then message and say you're not free due to the short notice and other things are now booked.
If she asks ahead of time, still say you'll check the calendar first (give yourself time to think and decide!).

Yes I'll have to do this but you know she'll still keep talking about the appointment the day before it, laying on as much guilt as possible. I don't feel guilty but she's trying to make me out to be a bad, or selfish person. I don't need to hear all about the appointment, or who she's got to take her, or how she will organise her time or who she hopes (from the charity) will arrive to take her, etc

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Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:50

Enough4me · 15/10/2025 00:30

OP you need to change.
Stop replying at the time and say, "I'll have to check my calendar I think I have work calls booked". She doesn't know if you do or don't, you're just showing her that your time cannot be taken for granted.
At home you can then message and say you're not free due to the short notice and other things are now booked.
If she asks ahead of time, still say you'll check the calendar first (give yourself time to think and decide!).

Yes I'll have to do this but you know she'll still keep talking about the appointment the day before it, laying on as much guilt as possible. I don't feel guilty but she's trying to make me out to be a bad, or selfish person. I don't need to hear all about the appointment, or who she's got to take her, or how she will organise her time or who she hopes (from the charity) will arrive to take her, etc

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Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:47

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/10/2025 00:31

I said "No" to my Mum today, and I did feel a bit bad but I genuinely couldn't do it at a moment's notice. I'm going to save the urgent dropping of my plans for times when it really is important because otherwise it will become an endless routine of missing things that I was looking forward to or abandoning my shopping trolley part way through a weekly shop.

How is your Mum's memory? My Mum's short-term memory is declining rapidly, so even if I tell her in advance that I can't do something at a particular time she will forget and ask me again. But now she has become less able to plan ahead so I'm getting more frequent last-minute requests. But if your Mum's memory is ok then in your position I would say at the first mention of an appointment that if she needs you to help her she has to tell you X number of days in advance so that you can clear your work schedule.

Her memory is too sharp. Better than mine. She remembers things I've forgotten. Like this appointment. The crux of this is she thinks I shouldn't be working anymore and should be doing all her appointments etc. She's independent and capable, doesn't need me to give up work.

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Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:42

Enough4me · 15/10/2025 00:30

OP you need to change.
Stop replying at the time and say, "I'll have to check my calendar I think I have work calls booked". She doesn't know if you do or don't, you're just showing her that your time cannot be taken for granted.
At home you can then message and say you're not free due to the short notice and other things are now booked.
If she asks ahead of time, still say you'll check the calendar first (give yourself time to think and decide!).

I will have to do this more but I think part of this is I'm not thinking about the whole issue all the time. I did this 2 weeks ago. I'd totally forgot all about it until she brought it up today. What I said 2 weeks ago should have been the end to it.

That's why I think I have to be steps ahead of her because she's manipulative and continually trying to wangle things the way she wants them, even when she doesn't really need something (I wouldn't mind if it were really needed or even if it wasn't done all the time)

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GreatTheCat · 15/10/2025 00:42

Christ, I say no to my mum so much she's now give up asking.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 15/10/2025 00:32

As others have said, you have to learn to say ‘no’. Don’t be drawn.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/10/2025 00:31

I said "No" to my Mum today, and I did feel a bit bad but I genuinely couldn't do it at a moment's notice. I'm going to save the urgent dropping of my plans for times when it really is important because otherwise it will become an endless routine of missing things that I was looking forward to or abandoning my shopping trolley part way through a weekly shop.

How is your Mum's memory? My Mum's short-term memory is declining rapidly, so even if I tell her in advance that I can't do something at a particular time she will forget and ask me again. But now she has become less able to plan ahead so I'm getting more frequent last-minute requests. But if your Mum's memory is ok then in your position I would say at the first mention of an appointment that if she needs you to help her she has to tell you X number of days in advance so that you can clear your work schedule.

Enough4me · 15/10/2025 00:30

OP you need to change.
Stop replying at the time and say, "I'll have to check my calendar I think I have work calls booked". She doesn't know if you do or don't, you're just showing her that your time cannot be taken for granted.
At home you can then message and say you're not free due to the short notice and other things are now booked.
If she asks ahead of time, still say you'll check the calendar first (give yourself time to think and decide!).

Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:21

Thanks for the replies, I am reflecting on all of them.

She's not a nice person, been emotionally and verbally abusive to all her family, not just me over the years. She's not so much now but you know it's just beneath the surface.

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Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:19

OSTMusTisNT · 15/10/2025 00:06

My MIL always hinted about jobs needing doing when I popped in to see her. E.g Oh those curtains in the spare room need washed.

To be honest, doing chores rather than having to sit and listen to her stories about old Agnes, Betty next door and Bert across the road was preferable 😆.

She only ever got about 2 hours of my time though a couple times a week and I always said no if her various appointments got in the way of my job as she was perfectly capable of getting a taxi or the bus.

The elderly sometimes get stuck im their own tiny world and forget us younger ones have jobs, kids etc keeping us busy. They can get lonely too and want us around all the time. Practice saying "No, sorry I can't do that but here's the number for a taxi / bus timetable etc."

Also keep in mind that will be us one day!

On your last point, that's why it seems petty to keep boundaries over small things. It's small because it's a 2 min drive!

But it's the death by a thousand cuts thing. Being asked all these little things, or rather having all these little things hinted at (which is worse).

I told her I can't do it anymore during the working week unless an emergency. But we'll see if I remember that when the next trap is set.

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Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:12

LovePoppy · 14/10/2025 23:59

You need to work on your backbone and start saying no

I agree if it were that. But I do have backbone, that's what's so frustrating, I'm not sure why I'm falling into the traps. It's not because I can't or won't speak up. I could do that. Just in the moment I either didn't think, or it would seem selfish and petty, I don't even know now. Maybe I thought I should do it? I really don't know. I don't think I'm quick off the mark in the moment and it all seems ok, but later I resent it. I don't seem to learn, people tell me their problems and I start presenting solutions. I'm neurodivergent also and I think I get caught up in the problem solving. And she uses that.

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MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/10/2025 00:11

Can you just have a stock response to everything? "I'll let you know, mum".

If you can train yourself to make this into your automatic response to each and every request, you will be able to buy yourself some thinking time so that you can make an informed decision.

Original poster

TopazQuartz · 15/10/2025 00:07

LeeshaPaper · 14/10/2025 23:55

But could you not just have said "oh dear, I'm working, I can't change with such short notice, you said you were calling the charity" ?

I'm not a stupid person by any means, pretty well qualified, good job..

And no, somehow it doesn't come to me in the moment. And she knows it. I just go away and get irritated like I am now. It's like I can't see the manipulation in the moment. If work was more rigid then I'd have said I couldn't, but knowing it's flexible. People tell me I've got a lot of patience. I think I have, but she's using it and now I'm getting irritated by it all.

I mean, really painful bad leg, a few days notice, I wouldn't be so annoyed.

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