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Elderly parents
Original poster

Vascular dementia and home care. What next? Please.

33 replies

whatsupsis · 07/10/2025 11:46

I am looking for anyone who has been in this position and what happened.

Mother lives in a bungalow alone. She has Vascular dementia and the decline since Feb was rapid. She went from being fairly independent to being bed bound and not moving (except for right arm) with in 7 months.

She has carers 4 times per day and me and siblings go every day too. She has a hospital air bed and a hoist and is very well looked after.

My issue is at what point do we need to look at nursing care? She is ok at home because she isn’t deemed at risk because she is in bed all day.

Social workers are happy to have her at home. I just worry what happens when she can’t give herself a drink. The carers have to feed her and I provide puree meals. She just keeps dropping her drinks. If we aren’t there they spill on floor or bed. Then she is with out a drink.

She is adamant she wants to stay at home. But when does that decision have to be made? Or what is the next step?
Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsupsis · 07/10/2025 18:26

@Rocknrollstaris your mum still with us? What is her condition?

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 07/10/2025 17:25

i think the carer is correct. If she was in a nursing home they aren’t in the room all the time. You have my sympathy as my mother was immobile and had carers four times a day and I basically had to be there all the time that they weren’t. Make sure you take time time for yourself.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 07/10/2025 17:11

Whilst you are propping up the care it will continue. Surely no parent would want this life indefinitely for their busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own? She’s happy for you to live like this??!!
I would inform social services and step away. A crisis you force might be the only scenario that moves things on and you can reclaim your lives.
The wants of someone toward the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
If she owns her property this will fund her fees.

whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 17:04

I’m sorry. My mums has been very quick but she has a lot of chest infections and other issues. It was horrible seeing my mum in bed unable to move or talk.

Original poster
whatsupsis · 07/10/2025 17:00

the problem is getting a beaker which doesn’t spill of dropped. She can only drink from a straw and so if dropped the air inlet leaks. It’s not even just dropping it, she often won’t even drink because the effort is too much. I think her arm will stop moving soon.

OP posts:
whatohwhattodo · 07/10/2025 16:34

I asked on a similar thread. My mum was provisionally diagnosed with VD around 3 weeks ago. Her downturn has been rapid and she has been in hospital a lot. She ended up coming back to hospital with dehydration as she was not drinking at all.

could she have a beaker on some sort of neck chain - so if she drops it it won’t go far?

Original poster
whatsupsis · 07/10/2025 16:13

I’m only worried that she’s alone for periods of time. We spend time there with her but really she’s alone a lot. She is very stable medically and we have strict handwashing in place so she’s never had Covid and she hasn’t had a cold in about 2 years.

I think I’m just worried she’s alone. When I mentioned that to one of the carers she told me she is getting more attention now than she would in a care home. We have Alexa set up so she can talk to us if she needs to and the house has cameras inside and out. I think I feel guilty.

I wish someone could tell me what the deterioration would be and how long she has left. She must be bored stupid.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2025 14:22

Medically, is she stable?
Do you think she has capacity to decide that if she stays at home, she might not get enough to drink, that this might shorten her life and give her more infections etc?

Personally I would try not to worry too much if she is having drinks with the carers - remember that meals include fluid too, especially puréed meals. Older people seem to survive on very little fluid. If literally the only thing that you are worried about is that she might not drink enough, and there’s no real sign of that damaging her, then imo this is more about your grief and stress in such a horrible situation, than a really big issue right now.

Also - she is going to decline further. A bit more to drink might not change that tbh. But if you are finding the stress of all this impossible, and I see why, then talk to social services about what would trigger them to consider 24 hour care.