Not sure where to begin to get support

29 replies

ThisGutsyTurtle · 06/10/2025 15:14

Hello, my mum is 81 years old and was widowed 12 years ago. In that time she has lived alone with declining health (Stage 4 kidney disease, advanced rheumatoid disease, heart disease and high blood pressure). She has osteo arthritis and osteoporosis too and really needs her hips replaced.

In July she fell at home and acquired 2 raymi fractures (stable fractures of her pelvis) which seriously impacted her mobility further (it was already limited to 15metres - this fall reduced it to 2 or 3 metres) then this weekend she had a heart attack on the Friday and broke her toe during her collapse. She was discharged last night with a sick bowl. The doctor said her heart is causing the vomiting.

In July the OT at the hospital said they would arrange a care package for mum (4 x daily visits as her mobility was poor following the fall and 2 fractures). It never materialised and I wasn't sure if mum had refused/turned it down. She says she hasn't but has taken to telling lies and forgetting things.

I suspect dementia is also in the mix. She is very forgetful, forgetting her name once, forgetting she had a stent put in a few years ago, getting angry, for example, that she wasn't invited to my wedding (she was and attended and we get on well so that would never have happened).

My friend's mum also had a heart attack at the same time and was in the same hospital. My friend's mum has been discharged with 4 x daily carer visits whilst we haven't.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I called social services - the local number is now out of service and callers are directed to an online form. When assessing the details I put in (on her behalf) - the suggestions for dressing, feeding, toileting are to "ask a family member or friend to help"

I live 40 minutes from her. I'm a single parent and have a teen with pretty complex ASN. (or I find them complex) Her DS lives 2000 miles away. She has no other family.

I also suggested getting her one of those emergency cords you wear and press the button for assistance if she falls again - she's not keen. I looked up the details today and I see that a keyholder is required - someone on call and available within 45 mins day or night. I cannot imagine who that would be. I could say it was me....but if I'm at work I would not be reachable.

If anyone has experienced something similar and was able to get support for their parent I'd be grateful if you would add it here.

OP posts:

Juliejuly · 06/10/2025 16:32

I’m a little bit confused. Is your mum now back at home, or has she been transferred to a rehab hospital?

Original poster

ThisGutsyTurtle · 06/10/2025 16:21

Thanks Tagalogalog. I don't know how to reply to you here but hopefully you see this. (this is my first post and I haven't learned this stuff yet!)
It is super stressful and I won't be the first to experience this. I wasn't present for the hospital discharge. I was told that she would be moved to a smaller more local hospital last night. The plan was to access physiotherapy in the local hospital today (Monday) and then possibly be discharged. I planned to be available for that - so long as I was told the time.

So she was discharged last night and put in a taxi with a sick bowl.

I've just spoken to the ward, the nurse who answered checked her notes; she told me that she, herself, wasn't on at the weekend but thought she should have been asked if she'd cope at home.

To be fair to them, they might well have asked her - she would have said yes. All she cares about is being at home. (I can understand that - she is 81 and shields at home from covid and of course prefers her home comforts to those of hospital)

OP posts:

olderbutwiser · 06/10/2025 15:33

What a nightmare for you.

Put in a safeguarding report for your mum - google her county council + adult safeguarding. Explain that she is at risk of harm and has been discharged with no care package. There should be a phone number for this as well as online access.

Make it clear from the beginning that you are not able to provide any active hands-on care yourself. However, it's inevitable you're going to have to get involved with some things that she can't manage for herself.

Do you know her financial status? Does she have savings over £23,000?

Do you have POA for her?

The falls alarms are used to not having someone on hand - you would be primary contact but would not be expected to rush over and deal with things like falls immediately. Most people have a key safe so emergency services or falls teams can get to your mum if something happens.

I'm guessing it's unlikely she will trot off to the GP and ask for a dementia assessment? In which case you can try to encourage her to go to get a checkup after her hospital visit AND in the meantime contact her gp to say you are concerned about her memory (they won't be able to discuss this with you but the information is there).

And if all else fails, then I'm afraid there will come a moment of crisis from which things will have to change. Sometimes you just have to be prepared for that to happen.

Tagalogalog · 06/10/2025 15:23

Your poor mum, I am so sorry she sounds terribly unwell. And poor you too as v stressful. When she was discharged were you there? It sounds like an unsafe discharge. AgeUk may be able to help

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/factsheets/fs37_hospital_discharge_fcs.pdf

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