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Elderly parents
Original poster

Expected to give up any free time for elderly GP

65 replies

CrazyGoatLady · 06/10/2025 10:53

My elderly Nanna (95) is becoming increasingly frail, and hospital appointments more frequent. She is in her own home and has home help come in every morning. She was managing, but her recent admission (heart failure) seems to have brought a real increase in frailty. No cognitive issues, just physical decline. No family nearby, she was adamant she didn't want to move when she had the opportunity and strength to. I love my Nanna dearly, but have never met anybody to rival her for stubbornness! I don't think she'd cope with a move now. My dad fills in most support gaps, but he's in his 70s and not in great health himself. His wife is younger and still working.

I've been down there the past 4 weekends. We all went for a family occasion, then she was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks, so I went down to ensure she had visits while Dad went home for a break, and because of my job (healthcare) I'm usually the best person to liaise with medical and care staff. I went this weekend just gone because she's been settling back at home post discharge. However, Dad has now unilaterally decided this is the new normal, and said to me this morning "so when will you be coming on Friday so I can go home and see [wife] and have a break?"

This isn't going to be sustainable for me. I'm working full time, we have a smallholding, yes DC are older now (16 and nearly 19) but is it reasonable for my dad to expect that I will effectively never have any breaks myself? I've been coming home just to work and try to keep on top of the house and then collapsing in bed at 9pm. But my dad does not seem to understand this. He thinks I should want to be there every weekend and it's "just what family have to do". I want to discuss getting more paid care in, but Dad says no, she doesn't want that, and they can't support her like family can.

I get wanting the best for your elderly parent, I really do. But she didn't move when she had the chance to, and the consequence of that is, she can't have family there every day. There have to be other options.

Help me try and get this across to my dad, please, if you've been on this rodeo and have any advice!

OP posts:
SENSummer · 10/10/2025 06:33

@CrazyGoatLady

you're going to get a lot of sensible responses telling you to be direct, stand your ground or address your boundaries with your DF….etc but honestly that would cause WW3 in our family. My lazy and low conflict advice is fake illness for a week or two, yours followed by maybe DH/kids doesn’t have to be serious but obviously you wouldn’t want to give your grandmother a grotty virus. This will put a sudden and effective stop to this ‘new normal’ of you working a shift pattern with your dad and him relying on you. Keep on with the ‘still not feeling great really took it out of me’ for at least a week after ‘recovery’ and then Start talking a lot about how much has then built up whilst you’ve been unwell and vaguely talking about work men/appoibtments/jobs you need to complete urgently around the house. Try to talk to dad less and certainly not every/multiple times a day.

Once you’ve been a good 3 weeks out of the situation ask your father when would be good to visit your gran (try and rope DC in) but make sure to mention you’ll only be able to stay an hour or so because of some other commitments the kids have. If he says anything direct at this point just be vague and off putting ‘we’ve got a busy life right now catching up with all that needs doing. I don’t have capacity for that. You’ve managed the last 3 weeks and if you can’t manage we need to find help elsewhere otherwise what happens when someone is unwell/unavailable…etc’

I know it’s not direct or pragmatic but honestly this is the only way I could do it in your situation without causing WW3. The prospect of losing the weekend relief whilst he’s used to and expecting it will be worse than realising it’s not coming back once he’s already a few weeks without it. Changes the narrative from you you removing your help to you just not offering it.

Plugsocketrocket · 10/10/2025 06:24

In my experience of dealing with an elderly MIL, towards the end she would have had all of her children give up their lives, jobs and other family responsibilities completely to look after her in her last years if she had her way.

Vulnerability seems to often lead to a degree of survival mode where other people and their lives and needs don’t matter anymore but being honest my MIL was always needy, demand ling under functioning in her family relationships.

We were unfortunate that one of the siblings acted like your father and advocated for a level of input that was completely unrealistic and overbearing even though she lived abroad and of course couldn’t provide that degree of input.

I suggest if you can that you stop thinking you are the only or the best person to provide her care, that mindset traps you in this, you are human and you only have the same 24hours as everyone else in your circle. As well as recognising and respecting your limits you also need to learn to be able to say no and mean it.

jeaux90 · 10/10/2025 06:21

We have been through this (and I was the weekend carer with full time job and being a lone parent) we upped the care to 3 x a day in the end which works well.

My nephew has moved in for a while now to do the cooking and keep her company which has been a blessing but we also use respite care occasionally.

countrygirl99 · 10/10/2025 06:15

I often think there must be a special course that older people go on to learn how to use guilt to manipulate and be convincing to discharge teams. I think we've found out who runs it.

WallTree · 10/10/2025 06:12

And yes, sometimes people are a "burden" on each other. Sheesh. What lind of society do you want?

WallTree · 10/10/2025 06:09

I'm glad she's gone in now, that's a good solution.

I think you should be willing to up your visits a bit when she comes home - every second weekend. I do think every 4-6 weeks is unreasonable and that you could step up a bit (not every weekend, though).

You're getting a lot of characteristic MN responses on here about how the right thing to do is never help anybody, which will likely bolster you towards that direction, which I think is morally wrong and just shitty. Can people not need each other at all in the UK? This wouldn't be a question in most other countries - visiting every 2 weeks is not a huge burden.

beachcitygirl · 10/10/2025 05:57

You must be strong and firmly place boundaries (says she struggling with it herself) do not be drawn in. Paid help or a home. She had the choice and her and your dad’s lack of decision and planning does not constitute an emergency in your life. Full stop. Be firm!!!

Roselily123 · 10/10/2025 05:25

Brilliant update.

things will settle down and you and can get back normal.

Original poster
CrazyGoatLady · 10/10/2025 00:56

Roselily123 · 09/10/2025 08:42

Glad you put your foot down @CrazyGoatLady
mil went into respite for 2 weeks.
she was clean, fed, well looked after and had company
my friends mil actually loved it and ended up stopping.

Edited

She went in yesterday and although she was very angry at the time, 24hrs later she is eating properly again, not distressed or agitated, and her symptoms are better controlled because her medication is being managed properly by the nursing team. She will have some physio and OT input over 2-6 weeks to help her regain some strength and independence, and then hopefully she will be able to come home, but with more home care support in place.

The respite care manager and nurse in charge have been nothing short of wonderful. I am beyond grateful for everything they did to help us navigate the absolute shit show that is the NHS to get her a funded place, on the grounds that her hospital discharge was unsafe. They made the point that they should have checked with us about care arrangements because it's on her records that family don't live locally and Nanna's account conflicted with what was on the record. Even if she was being discharged into our care with our consent, the hospital should have spoken with us about her needs, medication, etc, to make sure she would get the right care once she came home. We got nothing, they turfed her out with a brown envelope and a prescription and that was it. We had to try and figure it all out from her discharge notes, as Nanna couldn't remember much of what they told her.

It's been really hard, my dad is still angry, but I know we did the right thing standing our ground. We could not care for her adequately or safely, and she is in a place now where they can, and we can regroup.

OP posts:
kakakakak · 09/10/2025 09:37

No is a complete sentence.

Some explanations or justifications can help soften the delivery, but no is still no.

Roselily123 · 09/10/2025 08:42

Glad you put your foot down @CrazyGoatLady
mil went into respite for 2 weeks.
she was clean, fed, well looked after and had company
my friends mil actually loved it and ended up stopping.

Bluddyellfire · 08/10/2025 13:11

DontCallMeLenYouLittleBollix · 06/10/2025 20:43

Also worth pointing out that your DF said he wants you to go there to give him a break. It's about him, at least as much as it's about DGM. He thinks his desire for respite overrides yours.

Show quote history

If DF wants OP to facilitate his respite by 'sharing the load', that's a tacit admission that it's already too much for him. Nana won't benefit from anybody attempting to provide any sort of care/ companionship etc if they're frazzled or distracted by competing priorities. DF really needs to get Nana properly assessed for her care needs, these people will be very used to potential new customers (so to speak) insisting that they're fine and see through it if they're actually struggling. OP cannot outsource her other responsibilities but DF can outsource (some of) Nana's care.

Original poster
CrazyGoatLady · 07/10/2025 23:02

Thank you to everyone who has posted with your experiences and advice, it's been so helpful.

Things have gone downhill the last couple of days and we are now looking at some respite care while we think about the longer term. It's got slightly trickier because we found out that Nanna wasn't quite truthful with the discharge team at the hospital. She told them she has family staying with her and didn't need a rehab stay or a care package as we would "help out until she felt better". I have in no uncertain terms said I didn't consent to this, and am very unhappy with this situation. Not dementia - definitely none of that, she knew full well what she was doing and admits it, she just wanted the quickest route to get home, and she knew if she told them not to involve us in the assessment and that she had family support, they'd discharge her without any arguments.

She thought it would be like her last two admissions, when she recovered within a few days and was back to her usual self. But this time, she's remained quite frail and fatigued. She can't manage with just one carer visit a day for an hour. I have refused to go along with my dad's suggestion that we just try and "muddle through and see how things go". His proposal is that we split the week between us "until she feels better" - apparently because my work is mostly remote, I can totally manage the needs of an infirm 90-something as well. Erm, no.

Respite care home manager visiting tomorrow and hopefully we can get something sorted. Dad grudgingly accepts no alternative, since I won't agree to temporarily half living there, but am definitely now a fully paid up member of the Bad Daughters Club!

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 07/10/2025 12:50

Well done for setting boundaries, all you have to do now is stick to them. When you rely on volunteers you have to accept they have limitations on their time, and pre-existing commitments. Oh and they also need time off. We constantly have this with FIL, if we’re not at work then in his head that means we’re available.

PermanentTemporary · 07/10/2025 11:13

You can set your own boundaries, and you can also tell him that you think he is doing far too much and yes he does need a break. You giving him explicit permission to override her wishes and involve professionals may help.

You are just not going to take in any guilt about ‘not helping family’ because you are - your immediate family!

Thank goodness my mum even in the depths of her cognitive impairment accepts ‘ I need to go home and make dinner for my boys’ as a legit excuse for me to leave. Or maybe she doesn’t, but she doesn’t protest. Now, I am going home to dinner but probably I will stop off for a coffee first, and dp is probably cooking. So what? It is not required of me to half kill myself sitting with my 91 year old mum all day after a full week’s work. I refuse, and I don’t care (much - ok I do get grumpy with any nursing home staff who I think are making digs). Fundamentally, your own young children are ALWAYS the priority for your time. I took care choosing my mum’s nursing home because it isnt possible for me to care for her and she is miles from living independently. That was a legitimate decision.

pteromum · 06/10/2025 20:56

Totally unsustainable and very like my own mother in law. She is 84. A force to be reckoned with.

farming family, so still wants to be doing that. Which is a nightmare in itself.

the only thing I could offer as an alternative is you speak of much distance.

taking turns to go down.

could you bring her to you, on basis kids are older, for help or whatever reason you can think of.

eg, when mother in law is here helping me with chickens and counting sheep and checking kids (mine are little) homework it’s so much less stressful than me going to her to clean. And help.

from there you get a break and if she isn’t coping you can then look at more practical solutions closer to you?

Original poster
CrazyGoatLady · 06/10/2025 20:51

@DontCallMeLenYouLittleBollix like many retired parents, he seems to have forgotten very quickly what full time work was like! It doesn't occur to him that others do things they may need a break from.

OP posts:
DontCallMeLenYouLittleBollix · 06/10/2025 20:43

CrazyGoatLady · 06/10/2025 20:14

That's basically what I've done. I've said I won't be going down this weekend, we have plans, and I don't have the capacity to be part of a 24/7 care rota. If we think she needs more care, it's time to think about stepping things up with the care agency, I've left that with him to mull over. He is not happy, of course. Whatever plans we have as a family aren't as important as an elderly, ill person's needs, apparently. But we don't even know if it's what she needs or wants to have family staying there all the time. Dad's just decided that's what should happen.

Yes, I've two younger half siblings (same dad). However, DSis lives abroad and DBro is autistic with significant support needs of his own, so they can't do much to help.

Show quote history

Also worth pointing out that your DF said he wants you to go there to give him a break. It's about him, at least as much as it's about DGM. He thinks his desire for respite overrides yours.

Tagalogalog · 06/10/2025 20:23

Such a familiar tale - you’re the dependable one, the one who stayed closer to home - so everything lands on you. It’s completely unfair. Is your dad on the phone to your step sister complaining that she has moved too far away to come back and help every week? I doubt it.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 06/10/2025 20:20

No way you need to think about your own health.

It's up to your dad what he does about his mother, but she certainly is not your responsibility.

Don't do any more than you are able to. Don't push yourself.

Original poster
CrazyGoatLady · 06/10/2025 20:14

Elsvieta · 06/10/2025 18:34

If you're not going to do a specific day, I think you just have to "get it across" by saying you're not going to do it, and then not doing it. The key is convincing yourself that you don't need his approval or permission. Something like "I'm not free this Friday Dad, but I'll be there next Friday", or "From now on, I'll be able to visit every third weekend" or whatever you've decided on.

You seemed to imply you have at least one sibling - where are they in all this? Time to start expecting them to do their share - whether dad does or not.

That's basically what I've done. I've said I won't be going down this weekend, we have plans, and I don't have the capacity to be part of a 24/7 care rota. If we think she needs more care, it's time to think about stepping things up with the care agency, I've left that with him to mull over. He is not happy, of course. Whatever plans we have as a family aren't as important as an elderly, ill person's needs, apparently. But we don't even know if it's what she needs or wants to have family staying there all the time. Dad's just decided that's what should happen.

Yes, I've two younger half siblings (same dad). However, DSis lives abroad and DBro is autistic with significant support needs of his own, so they can't do much to help.

OP posts:
Elsvieta · 06/10/2025 18:34

If you're not going to do a specific day, I think you just have to "get it across" by saying you're not going to do it, and then not doing it. The key is convincing yourself that you don't need his approval or permission. Something like "I'm not free this Friday Dad, but I'll be there next Friday", or "From now on, I'll be able to visit every third weekend" or whatever you've decided on.

You seemed to imply you have at least one sibling - where are they in all this? Time to start expecting them to do their share - whether dad does or not.

PropertyD · 06/10/2025 14:33

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/10/2025 12:03

It’s very difficult, but there often comes a time when a person’s needs have to trump their ‘wants’. You have to tell your dad that you’re sorry, but you just cannot do what he asks - if he can’t manage what’s needed, your nanna will have to accept outside care, whether she likes it or not.

Unfortunately, old people can become exceedingly selfish and self-centred, in expecting family with jobs/children/other responsibilities, to be run ragged trying to care for them.

Agree with all of this. Had the same with late parents although my Dad was in a home. Mum was a different matter. She got incredibly worried about everything. I ran her household and still it wasnt enough. Silly things became big things. She drove me bonkers. She just couldnt help herself.

CreteBound · 06/10/2025 13:41

Your dad wouldn’t expect this is of a son I’ll bet.

Good luck OP

rookiemere · 06/10/2025 12:49

Ah the old trope of the elderly person not wanting to be a burden, but actually becoming a huge one to their nearest and dearest by trying to struggle on and minimising how much family help they are actually getting.

I am at the tricky stage with my DPs. They live an hour away.DS19 goes up to take his DGF out for lunch say once a month, but I am very clear to him and to DH that DS has no caring responsibilities, he is there purely in a social capacity only.
However it’s harder for your DPs as they are older and must be finding this a strain. You are absolutely right that you shouldn’t have to go every weekend. If your DF can’t give her the level of care she needs ( which is different from wants) then either paid care needs to be arranged or social services need to get involved if there isn’t sufficient private funding.