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Elderly parents
Original poster

How can I help my parents, dad has terminal cancer

58 replies

Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 00:22

My dad has cancer which he's too weak to have treatment for; he's quite rapidly deteriorating. I live a few hours away and have young kids so can't regularly see them. My mum is struggling to cope. Brother who lives close to them is useless.
Anyway I'm going to go and visit for a couple of days later this week, and am trying to think of all the admin things I can help mum with while I'm there. I'd welcome any suggestions.
On my list is;
-Power of Attorney
-Check whose name is on all bills including insurance, potentially try and get them put in joint name/transferred to mum
-Get bank details (maybe set up online banking if they're open to it)
-At least make sure mum has access to enough funds if his account is frozen
-Check car admin (when is MOT/car insurance etc due)
Welcome any other suggestions/tips.
Struggling to sleep right now as it's all going round in my head.. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
BeMintFatball · 05/10/2025 01:02

How old is your Dad? Under retirement age apply for PIP. If elderly apply for attendance allowance. And your mum should apply for carers allowance. With a cancer diagnosis applications will be fast tracked.

Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:02

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2025 00:37

Is there a list of passwords to all accounts, email etc?

I assume there is some in home care provide but if not, get that into place. Also meals. Can you set up online shopping so you place the order for them if your mum can’t manage.

What would really help your mum is getting out for a break. Even if it’s just an hour. Can you lean on your brother to sit with your dad so she can get that? Perhaps he could watch some football with your dad.

Definitely the credit card

Someone posted on here once about how when her sister was dying they used to watch David Attenborough documentaries together because it was so soothing. Would this be a nice thing they could do together? Or perhaps something from their youth?

Wishing you all the best, it’s not easy.

Thank you 🙏
Passwords shouldn't be an issue, he has zero online presence..

Setting up online food shopping if they need it is a good idea (she's not a big fan but would be good to know it's there if needed..)

Yes, I'd like to also get her out if we can. For now she has been able to get out a couple of times a week for classes which I'm very glad of.

That's a nice idea. He's barely interested in anything these days, and spends most of his time in bed or else dozing in his armchair. But maybe something in the background that he liked in his younger days would be nice for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 00:53

Algen · 05/10/2025 00:28

Also, obvious thing but it wasn’t on your list - make sure your dad has an up to date will.

Thank you for both your suggestions. Dad's credit card is in his name only but mum has he own account and uses a debit card to pay for things.. didn't necessarily see this as an issue but I'll think about it.
On the will.. he doesnt have one, but as they're married won't everything pass to her by default?

OP posts:
Harriet9955 · 05/10/2025 00:45

I think definitely look at finances . What income will your mum have coming in when dad goes. Many have a big loss of income with the deceased's loss of state pension and disability benefits which will stop more or less straight away. If dad has private pensions then look into whether your mum will inherit a portion of those. I work for a charity for older people and we get a lot of calls of people plunged into financial distress after a bereavement and it's just added stress that people can do without.

NewIdeasToday · 05/10/2025 00:43

Sorry to hear about this.

I’d be led by your mum. It may be that she’d want to talk to you about her feelings, concerns etc at this stage, rather than more practical issues.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2025 00:37

Is there a list of passwords to all accounts, email etc?

I assume there is some in home care provide but if not, get that into place. Also meals. Can you set up online shopping so you place the order for them if your mum can’t manage.

What would really help your mum is getting out for a break. Even if it’s just an hour. Can you lean on your brother to sit with your dad so she can get that? Perhaps he could watch some football with your dad.

Definitely the credit card

Someone posted on here once about how when her sister was dying they used to watch David Attenborough documentaries together because it was so soothing. Would this be a nice thing they could do together? Or perhaps something from their youth?

Wishing you all the best, it’s not easy.

Algen · 05/10/2025 00:28

Also, obvious thing but it wasn’t on your list - make sure your dad has an up to date will.

Algen · 05/10/2025 00:26

If they use credit cards, make sure at least one credit card is in your mum’s name. This caught us out - it makes sense when you think about it, but what we saw as a joint credit card was actually a primary and additional cardholder. And when the primary cardholder dies, the card is cancelled rather than continuing with the additional cardholder.

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