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Elderly parents
Original poster

How can I help my parents, dad has terminal cancer

58 replies

Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 00:22

My dad has cancer which he's too weak to have treatment for; he's quite rapidly deteriorating. I live a few hours away and have young kids so can't regularly see them. My mum is struggling to cope. Brother who lives close to them is useless.
Anyway I'm going to go and visit for a couple of days later this week, and am trying to think of all the admin things I can help mum with while I'm there. I'd welcome any suggestions.
On my list is;
-Power of Attorney
-Check whose name is on all bills including insurance, potentially try and get them put in joint name/transferred to mum
-Get bank details (maybe set up online banking if they're open to it)
-At least make sure mum has access to enough funds if his account is frozen
-Check car admin (when is MOT/car insurance etc due)
Welcome any other suggestions/tips.
Struggling to sleep right now as it's all going round in my head.. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Harriet9955 · 05/10/2025 10:25

Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:11

Thanks - above retirement age - had looked into that before and read they could only be applied for after 6 months of illness/caring? But it is pretty much 6 months now so either way, yes good point. And that's good to know about being fast-tracked, thanks.

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Ask his Nurse specialist / GP or Palliative Nurse specialist to issue an SR1 form. this would speed up Attendance Allowance and no need for long form filling.

Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 09:29

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/10/2025 09:01

Definitely get a will!

yes to credit card and car - I ended up reinsuring my dad’s (mum’s) car with my credit card the day before his funeral because her card had been frozen as she was a named holder on his account and the car insurance was no longer valid 🤦‍♀️

passwords to things like phones / iPads. Make sure they’re not set up with Face ID.

shift as many bills as you can into your mum’s name - we did this and it made life so much easier.

remember to do council tax after he’s died as she will get single person discount.

BUT

the single best thing we did when dad was terminally ill? My mum still went to her clubs. She still did WI and book club and her walking group. So when he died she hadn’t got out of the habit of going and she just carried on. Although it sounds brutal to say it, there was a point where she was the most important one, because she was the one left behind. And setting up the life to come was just as important.

it’s hard. You have my complete sympathy

Thanks for this. Is it best to get bills transferred into her name solely now then, rather than joint names?
I totally get that, and agree; she is still (as far as I know) going to her clubs each week, though I know is starting to get more worried about leaving him.. I'm really glad she has those things especially for afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 09:23

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2025 08:49

Glad you are going to get a will for your dad. Even if everything does pass to your mum, getting a grant of probate without a will is more time consuming because the first step is to prove that there was no will. Which involves taking certain steps like checking with solicitors and public trustees etc

OK, thanks good to know. Definitely a will then!

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/10/2025 09:01

Definitely get a will!

yes to credit card and car - I ended up reinsuring my dad’s (mum’s) car with my credit card the day before his funeral because her card had been frozen as she was a named holder on his account and the car insurance was no longer valid 🤦‍♀️

passwords to things like phones / iPads. Make sure they’re not set up with Face ID.

shift as many bills as you can into your mum’s name - we did this and it made life so much easier.

remember to do council tax after he’s died as she will get single person discount.

BUT

the single best thing we did when dad was terminally ill? My mum still went to her clubs. She still did WI and book club and her walking group. So when he died she hadn’t got out of the habit of going and she just carried on. Although it sounds brutal to say it, there was a point where she was the most important one, because she was the one left behind. And setting up the life to come was just as important.

it’s hard. You have my complete sympathy

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2025 08:49

Glad you are going to get a will for your dad. Even if everything does pass to your mum, getting a grant of probate without a will is more time consuming because the first step is to prove that there was no will. Which involves taking certain steps like checking with solicitors and public trustees etc

Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 08:49

Colinthedaxi · 05/10/2025 08:45

V5 on the car? Is it in your dad’s name? If so it may make insurance invalid on his death.

I want to check a few things re the car.. though to be honest mum doesn't drive it anyway so I don't think that point will be an issue in practice. But good to be aware of, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 08:47

bigwhitedog · 05/10/2025 08:44

Does your dad have any nominated accoints - credit union, life insurance etc. These often trusts that fall outside the estate so ensure they are set to go to the person your Dad wants them to go to.

I don't think so but will check, thank you.

OP posts:
Colinthedaxi · 05/10/2025 08:45

V5 on the car? Is it in your dad’s name? If so it may make insurance invalid on his death.

bigwhitedog · 05/10/2025 08:44

Does your dad have any nominated accoints - credit union, life insurance etc. These often trusts that fall outside the estate so ensure they are set to go to the person your Dad wants them to go to.

Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 08:44

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/10/2025 02:18

You'd need to contact teachers pension scheme (TPS) about a spouse's pension, rule of thumb she will get about half his pension. You will need original marriage and death certificates.

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Thanks a lot for this, good to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 08:43

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/10/2025 02:09

Transfer most of the money into mums name.
Make sure your mum has some stocks of food, things dad fancies ... some ready meals in freezer.

Yes, I think this is probably a good idea. It will be a pain to do as he doesn't have online or phone banking, but can barely talk to give pass security questions etc, to call the bank..

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 08:34

Thank you for all the advice to get a will, sounds like it's better to be safe and get a basic one drawn up

OP posts:
Puzzledtoday · 05/10/2025 04:32

It can be complicated sorting out the affairs of someone who dies intestate , OP. You don’t need a solicitor to write a will. A document titled Lastt will and testament of… and signed in the presence of 2 witnesses can just say he leaves everything to your mim. Look online for the wording.

Puzzledtoday · 05/10/2025 04:26

Remember that your dad’s bank accounts will be frozen when he dies and look at how your mum will manage the first weeks. A joint account will not be frozen and the money in it will belong to your mum whether or not theres a will. But make sure there is one.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/10/2025 02:18

Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:08

Thank you. He definitely has a bigger pension than her.. I think she'll be ok but yes good point to check. I was wondering whether I could (get them to) order an itemised bank statement for each of them to see what comes in and out each month to check that sort of thing. I'm not sure how I'd check re whether she'd get any of his pension.. no private pension but an ex- teacher with a decent final salary pension.

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You'd need to contact teachers pension scheme (TPS) about a spouse's pension, rule of thumb she will get about half his pension. You will need original marriage and death certificates.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/10/2025 02:15

Definitely needs a will. Get a solicitor to draw one up and to come to the house with it. This is the most important thing of all.
I dont agree with the 322k threshold for inheritance tax mentioned - no inheritance tax on house, it's seperate to the £322k, if you pass house to spouse.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/10/2025 02:09

Transfer most of the money into mums name.
Make sure your mum has some stocks of food, things dad fancies ... some ready meals in freezer.

Octaviathethird · 05/10/2025 01:39

You should check whether it's owned as joint tenants or tenants in common, joint tenants both own 100% each, tenants in common own a set percentage each. Joint tenants would mean the house would transfer directly to your mum, tenants in common would mean your dad's share would make up part of his estate. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this, it's not an easy thing to be going through
www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:29

Sorry just re-read the post above.. the house (biggest asset) is jointly in both their names. So hopefully not an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:27

Right, I was probably being naive re inheritance. I'm not sure what the value of all their joint assets are, but it could be close to that. I'll check the rules, thank you for pointing that out. (Ps yes they're in England)

OP posts:
Algen · 05/10/2025 01:21

Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 00:53

Thank you for both your suggestions. Dad's credit card is in his name only but mum has he own account and uses a debit card to pay for things.. didn't necessarily see this as an issue but I'll think about it.
On the will.. he doesnt have one, but as they're married won't everything pass to her by default?

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No, not necessarily. It depends on how much is actually counted as being “his” estate (and where you are - I’m answering assuming your dad lives in England, but if you aren’t then check the rules for where he lives). Also if probate is needed that is easier with a will.

Anything held in joint names should pass automatically to your mum, but otherwise the position is (I’ve taken this from the Citizens Advice website):

If there are children
If the estate is valued at more than £322,000 , the inheritance is divided between the partner and the children. If the estate is £322,000 or less then the children don’t inherit. The partner inherits:

  • all the personal property and belongings of the person who has died
  • the first £322,000 of the estate
  • half of the remaining estate
The children will inherit the other half of the remaining estate. If the person who died had more than 1 child, this amount will be divided equally between them. This includes any child adopted by the person who died. It also includes any biological or adopted child the person had from other relationships.
Octaviathethird · 05/10/2025 01:17

Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 00:53

Thank you for both your suggestions. Dad's credit card is in his name only but mum has he own account and uses a debit card to pay for things.. didn't necessarily see this as an issue but I'll think about it.
On the will.. he doesnt have one, but as they're married won't everything pass to her by default?

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The rules of intestacy mean that if the estate is less than £322000, your mum would inherit everything but if it's more than that, you and your brother would be entitled to some of the estate above the £322000
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:11

BeMintFatball · 05/10/2025 01:02

How old is your Dad? Under retirement age apply for PIP. If elderly apply for attendance allowance. And your mum should apply for carers allowance. With a cancer diagnosis applications will be fast tracked.

Thanks - above retirement age - had looked into that before and read they could only be applied for after 6 months of illness/caring? But it is pretty much 6 months now so either way, yes good point. And that's good to know about being fast-tracked, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:08

Harriet9955 · 05/10/2025 00:45

I think definitely look at finances . What income will your mum have coming in when dad goes. Many have a big loss of income with the deceased's loss of state pension and disability benefits which will stop more or less straight away. If dad has private pensions then look into whether your mum will inherit a portion of those. I work for a charity for older people and we get a lot of calls of people plunged into financial distress after a bereavement and it's just added stress that people can do without.

Thank you. He definitely has a bigger pension than her.. I think she'll be ok but yes good point to check. I was wondering whether I could (get them to) order an itemised bank statement for each of them to see what comes in and out each month to check that sort of thing. I'm not sure how I'd check re whether she'd get any of his pension.. no private pension but an ex- teacher with a decent final salary pension.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatusernameshalliuse · 05/10/2025 01:04

NewIdeasToday · 05/10/2025 00:43

Sorry to hear about this.

I’d be led by your mum. It may be that she’d want to talk to you about her feelings, concerns etc at this stage, rather than more practical issues.

I agree. She's said she's feeling overwhelmed with all the admin etc to sort which is why I want to help with that. Of course just talking is important too.

OP posts: