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Elderly parents
Original poster

I think my mum is lying

86 replies

HettyMeg · 04/10/2025 09:26

My mum is 70 so not "elderly" but wasn't sure where to put this. She lives a few hours away and recently our relationship has not been great. Too much history to explain in a short post but she is emotionally immature and despite being independent in other ways is reliant on me to support her emotionally e.g. leaning on me for advice, being a confidante, etc. This has taken a toll and I'm withdrawing a bit as I don't get the same support in return and I'm fed up of the moods and silent treatment I get if I've wronged her somehow (in her eyes)

Recently I'm pretty sure she's also lying to me on a semi regular basis. Eg she was meant to be coming to see us but then told me was getting repair work done (after visit was arranged) and can't come or change it - bit of a pattern there of making plans then cancelling eg saying she is ill and can't come has happened lots of times. This morning she's saying her power is out because of the storm but I checked energy firm website to get an update and it said there was no power outage in her postcode.

How would you respond to this? I think some of it is exaggeration / embellishment of the truth rather than outright lies but I'm the type of person who hates lying / bullshitting and I'm just so fed up of it. Do I address it directly?

OP posts:
BadgernTheGarden · 04/10/2025 12:59

The power companies are not always right or up to date with problems. If it's a local outage they may not be aware, busy with bigger problems with the weather today, have you or her reported it?

Allmarbleslost · 04/10/2025 12:54

She doesn't want to make the journey. It's common for older people to lose confidence with driving, especially on motorways. My own DM and D aunt stopped going on motorways sometime in their 60s.

Does she still work full time? She's probably exhausted and just needs to spend her time off resting.

Hello39 · 04/10/2025 12:53

I've noticed some people's default is to lie, even if there's no need.

E.g. say a child is sick so they can't go, when in fact they are doing something else.

I don't know what's behind them doing that - in some cases they had a very tough upbringing so maybe it's a survival instinct.

BTW we have no water but according to the website there are no outages.

mezlou84 · 04/10/2025 12:50

Could be the distance in going to and from your house. You don't want to admit things are different as you get older. You don't want people to know you struggle with the drive, struggle to get trains. My grandma at 75 struggled to go from the settee to the kitchen but would she use a walker? Not a chance. She said people would see her and think things so she just stopped going out. She did not want people knowing she can't do the things she once could. It could also be depression. I make lots of plans and they fall through because I feel like I don't have the energy. I don't have the will to make myself do it. I don't feel like others want me in their space and just humouring me. So I will say yes let's meet up, I will come round and am genuinely wanting to and am excited to. Then when it comes to the date getting closer I think this isn't don't that isn't done, I've got to shower, and then it makes me feel worse and I can't bring myself to do it. Don't think that it's deliberate lies as it sounds to me she's struggling rather than being inconsiderate.

Sunshineandrage · 04/10/2025 12:38

She's 70 and lives 3 hours away. I don't think its unreasonable for her to not want to make that journey.

Beachtastic · 04/10/2025 11:05

HettyMeg · 04/10/2025 10:43

@Beachtastic
@SeaAndStars yes I think that's right and already happening, she just doesn't want to drive far anymore. It's hard because we often go to her which isn't that easy with young kids to factor in, but I can tell the drive is becoming a problem, she won't admit it though and won't get train / bus instead which I've suggested

I'm in my 60s and avoid driving at night as I can't really see what I'm doing! 🫣

Original poster
HettyMeg · 04/10/2025 10:43

@Beachtastic
@SeaAndStars yes I think that's right and already happening, she just doesn't want to drive far anymore. It's hard because we often go to her which isn't that easy with young kids to factor in, but I can tell the drive is becoming a problem, she won't admit it though and won't get train / bus instead which I've suggested

OP posts:
Original poster
HettyMeg · 04/10/2025 10:41

@ClarasSisters yes she still works so is out of house most days. She isn't very good with computers hence why I checked the postcode thing for info about when power might be back on

I don't think she would expect me to go round as I live nowhere near - 3 hours drive away in stormy weather.

Thanks, she tends to shut down when talking about deeper topics, only times she wants to talk about deeper things is when she wants to reminisce / wallow about the past

OP posts:
ClarasSisters · 04/10/2025 10:33

Is she actually leaving the house at all? I'd be worried if not.

Did she expect you to go over when she told you about the power being out? It's fairly clear you don't trust what she says because if my mum told me her power was out it wouldn't for one minute occur to me to check up on it! She'd be happy to check with the power company when it would be back on though.

I do think maybe some sort of face to face heart to heart about what may be troubling her/leading to these lies might be helpful but only you know if she's likely to open up.

SeaAndStars · 04/10/2025 10:24

Totally agree with @Beachtastic that she's getting older and that when she makes appointments they seem a long way off. When the day comes around she would just rather stay home.

Beachtastic · 04/10/2025 10:08

Not sure OP, maybe focus on being glad she's not coming by the sounds of it!

I think as we age, we are less inclined to bother doing things especially if it involves travel. She will probably rely increasingly on you visiting her, which means you can limit seeing her to times that suit you.

Good luck with the boundaries, not easy with a parent.

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