I think my mum is lying

That's great, but a bit of a smug remark. Ageing affects people differently and is subjective. Just because you drive long distances doesn't mean every 70 year old should or could. I have a friend that's been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia at 62. My father developed chronic heart disease at 63. I've also known quite a number of people in my peer group quite suddenly decline in their mid-seventies. These are people that you would never imagine would. And quite frankly I think it's generally fair to say that ageing doesn't exactly do most people a whole bunch of favours.

I am 70.

I drive 5 hours on my own to see my mum who's late 90s.
I've done the same trip for 50 years.

Plenty of my friends drive long distances .

I have a friend who's almost 90 who travels 3 hours by train. She books assisted travel.

I'm actually shocked at some posts here from younger women who won't drive far or even take the train.

I had a wry smile at the ageism here.

I am the same age as your Mum @HettyMeg I am the daughter!
I drive 5 hours on my own to see my Mum who is 99!
I've done this for decades.

I think your Mum is wanting attention. She's telling you she is unhappy. But not going about it the right way.
Is she a widow? Divorced?

I'd encourage her to do 50-50 with you driving to her. We did that with my parents for years ad years with 2 kids in tow.

Maybe you could encourage her to build more friendships locally- U3A, WI- church, choir, whatever she enjoys?

Everyone is different when they age. I know 95 year olds still playing golf and walking happily to shops a mile away and driving. I have my own parents late 70’s who have health needs and are very wobbly and fuss about everything and don’t drive far after my Dad had a stroke even though he is fine to drive now. I’m early 50’s and would dread a 3 hour drive. I struggle to focus and get tired and hate night time driving. I get very anxious. Your mum is definitely older. She might not be lying either. I’ve seen power updates being fine and yet we have a problem. Even if she is - usually I’d see that as an underlying fear of telling you/ disappointing you.

The impression I get from your post is that you are not an empathetic person. Neither are you understanding or compassionate about generational differences or realising that perhaps emotional maturity wasn’t something everyone ran around trying to obtain in that generation- it’s only something people are cottoning onto now as it’s all over social media and we have a huge mental health crisis. If YOU yourself were emotionally mature you would realise all of these things and cut your mother some slack. Find your resources elsewhere in terms of your unmet needs. You are berating her for not having the capacity to give you what you need rather than accepting her for who she is.

And as for the person describing withdrawing all support for their 90 year old granny- this is when I pray for karma - just shocking

This would be my response - her power could be out because the fuse has blown or there is an issue at her home that as nothing to do with the grid. I’d check on her - 70 is also the age when dementia etc ics in. Her ‘semi regular lying’ may actually be confusion as could her reluctance to leave the house despite making arrangements.

Good grief OP. I wouldn't expect my 70 year old mother to drive 3 hours to see me. No wonder she's crying out. As for checking online about the electric outage, they do get it wrong you know! I'm 68 and really hate driving at night. The new "searchlight" style headlights finally put the nail in it for me. As for getting trains and buses - if you're three hours away that's quite a haul. The trains are hardly great either (in any respect) so a woman alone at that age could feel pretty unsettled at the thought. A lot of people lose confidence and feel more vulnerable as they age. When you're that age yourself you'll realise why. I think you need to adjust your sympathy dial.

I agree with a previous poster that this could be early signs of dementia - it’s what happened to my mil. If it is, then think about how you want to react - it’s not her fault and she can’t help it.

I think YABU to expect a 70 year old to travel 3 hours plus to visit you!

It sounds like she's getting a bit confused and losing confidence and could be making things up to cover for it. I'd be keeping an eye out for other signs of dementia, I'm afraid to say. Like repeating herself or getting anxious over small things. I'm so sorry OP, it's a very exasperating and upsetting thing to consider, but the earlier it's spotted, the more effective the meds can be. Good luck xx

Is she lying to anyone else? I found mine was telling me one thing, my sibling something else and her friends something else again! She hadn’t considered we’re all in touch…

We set up a family WhatsApp group which meant we could all see what she said, rather than her trying to play people off against each other. That helped a lot.

Other stuff I’ve called her out on. “Oh dear, you’ve got a power cut? You did get new batteries for your torch, didn’t you?” “Oh, I can see it’s a long way to drive and the parking is difficult. Have you checked train times instead?” Push responsibility back on her.

She’s 70 and still working, not a frail 95 year old. Yes, driving can become harder/more tiring as people
age but that’s the time to use public transport for longer journeys or consider a taxi for shorter ones.

My mums 76 and plays several sports, yoga and art, holidays on her own and with friends, her life is more active and interesting than mine. But DH dads the same age and has exerienced a rapid decline in the last two years to the point where he no longer drives or goes out. I think theres a possibility from what OP has said that her mum is experiencing some of the issues that can happen with ageing, I think this is what people are alluding to.
Two years ago DHs dad was horse riding, golfing and working pretty much full time. Now hes housebound and can't drive.

I’m very nearly 68 and I’m flying to a European country for two days’ work tomorrow. Good grief people are talking about a 70 year old as if she’s 110. Perhaps she just doesn’t want to see the OP but can’t be honest.

I would say 70 is elderly OP

Op , your mum is elderly and no matter how you slice it ...shes getting on a bit. She is probably struggling to do things and if shes emotionally immature shes gonna struggle to express herself. This might be just struggling or it might be the early onset signs of dementia.

I hope you took the car keys off him if he’s that unsafe?

If it's a 3 hour drive it must be a long journey on public transport as well, and trains are horrendously unreliable these days. I honestly don't blame her for cancelling. Why not just accept you won't be seeing her as often?

Bloody nora - she's 70,still working and you're puzzled about her cancelling a 3 hour each way trip? I don't blame her, I wouldn't fancy it either. It sounds like you wouldn't want to make the journey to see her?

I agree with the pp who said that it seems doable a while away but then when the time comes she's just not feeling up to it. Then doesn't want to tell you she's just knackered and makes something up.

I feel for her, still working at 70.

It's quite a long way for a 70 year old to come. Maybe you should be visiting her. Does she drive?

@Navyontop your post reads as if you’d expect the OP to be empathetic and kind just because it’s her mum and she is elderly.
Im not sure if I got that right.
But I believe that being angry is a healthy emotion. It’s often the sign people have walked over our boundaries or take advantage of us. It can also be the sign you’ve reached your limits (eg getting burnt out).
So basically the answer might not be kinder and more empathic.
Or saying that the mum is frightened of the OP. If she is still working, she isn’t a frail old woman vulnerable etc…. A victim of the OP anger, especially as poor her doesn’t have the skills. 😏😏

re being emotionally immature, unfortunately I agree the OP will have to navigate that. And having two emotionally immature parents, I can tell you it’s hard work.

@HettyMeg that’s only my experience but she isn’t going to change now. So the best you can do is detach from the more ‘outlandish’ behaviours like lying and act within your boundaries.
She says she has no power? Oh dear. I hope it will back soon. (She might just be looking for a bit if attention). Don’t propose to come unless you’re actually happy to do it.
She can’t come? Oh well that’s a shame. Let me know when you want to rearrange. It might be that she has issues with driving. Or that she doesn’t like night time driving. Or just that she prefers to be at home. That’s fine. I’d act as if she’ll tell you what’s the reason when she is ready and stop wondering about the whys iyswim.

Maybe 'white lies' are her version of boundaries

Whens the last time you were in a car with her. DPs dad has always been active, sharp and is in his 70s but kept making excuses not to come down two years ago. He is 3 hours away also.
He eventually came down at christmas and he drove me and the kids a few places and his driving has deteriated to the point I felt it was unsafe. I said it to my DP and he got in the car with his dad and said the same. We were so worried we told him not to drive to us and we would go and collect him if he is coming down or go to him. He is now rapidly declining in various areas, forgetting things, odd comments and suddenly really scared of intruders.he was in the military for 30 years so he is not a timid man but now he is really worried about things and also stockpiling stuff.

You don’t come across as very patient or empathetic in your post, but I accept that could be due to exasperation.
if she’s 70, still working and living alone, she might just be exhausted and up to all the things she’s agreed to. She might be scared to be honest with you, you do appear a touch angry. Plus if she’s “immature emotionally” as you put it, she won’t have the skills to navigate your negative responses to her situation and feelings.

You could try asking her calmly and kindly if she’s ok?

I'd guess that she is struggling to do things due to her age and isn't ready to admit that. Losing independence can be really tough.

I'm sorry this is happening. I would, if possible try and nip this in the bud so you dont end up where we,are.

My granny, in her 90s, sounds very similar. For almost all of her adult life she's had people running after her, doing her bidding. Now my dad, her son is very ill and unable to. My sister and I due to our own family situations and where we live are unable to. Up until now we have helped with various bits like online food shopping, admin etc. We were also emergency contacts for her. Over the past 18-24 months she's taken to pretending to fall, pretending to be ill and even goes as far as pretending sufficiently that her alarm system call an ambulance. All mostly predictable and we'd know when to e,pect an incident. She gets to hospital , refuses to get out of bed and is eventually sent home. We have raised our concerns about her behaviour and mental health during each hospital admission to no avail.. She still has all her faculties. We've now sadly gotten to the point that we have withdrawn all support for her. We will visit when we,can but we will no longer be doing anything else. She is pretty much housebound and has up until now refused all forms of external support offered. Refuses to have Internet of various pieces of equipment which might help. So right now we've had to pull right back to get her to a place where she has no option but to accept external support from carers etc.

We are burnt out from dealing with it. Don't let this be you.

I hate to tell you but she is elderly and probably doesn't want to drive that far and public transport isn't great. I wouldn't want to drive that far in this storm either