I think my mum is lying

Why on earth are you expecting a 70 year old woman to drive 3 hours?!? Especially when there’s a storm ffs. That’s appalling

Agree with this. My Mum is similar - talks to everyone in the family about an arrangement for example and get different versions of same thing. She is scatty and forgetful not lying. We have to try and understand the intention behind what people say especially as they get older.

It’s so sad when people are accused of lying but really are just misunderstood. Minds get muddled. If ops mum is still working perhaps all her brain energy goes on that.

Expecting her to get in a train for a 3 hour hike maynot work for her anymore and she just doesn’t know how to say that.

If OP was always the person that had to be her mums kind of cater/ confidante growing up I can fully appreciate why she feels the way she does. It’s a natural response. But both things can be true. Just do what you can to see her when possible that fits around your own family and video call during the other times. Unless she is very poorly you don’t need to be running down there every week. Just accept her the way she is and try to keep connection by phone during the periods in between.

Exactly! My Grandad said the exact same words. All you have left are your memories.
He would talk non stop for an hour without pause when I visited - I guess I could have seen that as selfish but realised he just needed to process his memories out loud as he was so lonely. Giving him the gift of purely listening just to him was the best I could do at that point. His missed my grandma so much.

@HettyMeg many people are only able to view things via their own lens of their own world. I hear you! Families are complex, and parents/grandparents are not always the safe havens they're supposed to be.

Boundaries are your friend and will help you to remain sane. But remember.ber it's up to you to hold your boundaries. If your mum tries to cross them you are the person responsible for holding firm. You can hold boundaries and still be kind and compassionate.

My DM lies too. She says my dad "won't let" her drive anywhere she doesn't know. No-one dares check that with him because he can be unpleasant and wouldn't take kindly to what might come across as an accusation. But the truth is, she doesn't want to drive, so gets everyone else to. She doesn't like to drive after dark, so again, gets everyone else to.

This has been going on since she was in her sixties, and before actually - looking back, once her children could drive, she'd get us to do as much of it as possible.

As people get older they sometimes find things overwhelming that they found easy before. I suspect a 3 hour long trip feels like a lot and she doesn’t really want to do it, understandable. It might be that if you want to spend time with her now you accept that you need to make the journey to her.

I agree. That's what I was saying too.

My great uncle who lived to his mid 90s was driving long distances in his mid 80s.

Also, the quotes from another poster on life expectancy are not accurate. You need to dig deeper than the 'average' number. For anyone still alive at 70, life expectancy is shown as mid 80s

Also, LE is an average. There is a massive difference depending on location - up to 20 years. the average is there because of a lower life expectation in eg Scotland but in London and the SE it's many years higher.

This is all by the by because the OP mentions a bad 'history' to their relationship and her mum's reluctance to see her or her 'exaggeration' about practical problems is probably more to do with the emotions between them.

On a tangential note, OP, I think people with a very black and white approach to ‘lying’ are often the very people it is hardest to be honest with, for fear of their reactions. the fact that you’re going to such lengths to check up on her story about the power cut makes me think you might be a bit scary at times 😬

Would you have been pissed off or impatient with her if she said she wasn’t feeling up to the drive? Would you have tried to press her into coming if she didn’t feel confident to drive or take a train?

It could be helpful to reframe your thinking around this, so that if she’s not telling you the whole truth, it’s less likely to be because she’s enjoying manipulating you or making a fool of you than it is to be because she feels confused or anxious or ashamed.

You know now that she is prone to cancelling at the last minute - so prepare for that. And/or think of other ways to see her that might be easier for her. And it’s OK to see her less if she can’t make the trip to visit you.

Many people on here often suggest excuses for posters to get out of doing things.
Maybe you are very high minded and have never done that.
But most people do from time to time.
Why does it matter so much to you?
Accusing her of lying is rather extreme as is doing detective work to prove her wrong.
You obviously don't like her very much and have little sympathy for her.
So you should be glad she is not coming. The excuse is irrelevant.
I wonder how you will behave and be judged when you are her age.

That’s fantastic for you - but people age differently, and not everyone is equally blessed with good health and confidence. My mum became far too anxious to travel any distance by the time she was 70. She had cataracts and an essential tremor and cardiac problems. She hasn’t driven after dark since she was in her 60s.

@Summertimesadnessishere that’s a lovely post , sad but empathetic - in all fairness I didn’t have a lot of time for many old people who seemed to be very needy or constantly moany - but I had a real heart to heart with my FIL one day who is86 - he’s very independent still and a lovely old chap, warm , witty, wise and loves a good time, ( lived in carribean and Singapore for a while for work , a bit old colonial) although also a bit gullible towards people like Farage because they look like they are bon viveurs and like a good time and essentially are all running on rose tinted glasses without getting that the business and international world has changed - what he did say though stuck with me , that all the people that formed your past and your connections are either dying or not at all 100% -, people are on the whole no longer interested in your views or experience, all your professional experience is no longer relevant in today’s world and to be frank you are yesterdays man, so all you really have is your memories and that’s why they are so keen to hang onto nostalgia, homes that no longer suit, independence even when it’s clear they need help , friends that have turned into tossers etc etc - since then I’ve gone out my way to include him in things -laugh at his stories etc because one day that could be me

I agree.
But the reverse is also true.
Its not because the OP’s mum is in her 70s that she is automatically frail, can’t drive 3 hours etc…

My parents are early 80s. My dad still drives 3 hours and would be hugely offended if told he is too old to do that.
My mum doesn’t drive as much, mainly because she rarely drives as my dad is always driving!
Theyd have no issue with taking the train etc… either.

It’s not unusual. Nor is it unusual for people that age to start reducing how much they drive etc….

I oersonally think that often if you dint drive much, you loose confidence and slowly drive less and less, only local area etc….
So those who’ve never stopped driving 5 hours regularly are more likely to still be doing it when they’re 70yo. Whereas people like my friend who refuses to drive in the motorway at 50yo is likely to stop driving much much earlier on.

@Summertimesadnessishere I was making the point to give another side to the already 'judgemental'/ageist comments . It wasn't intended to be 'smug'.

IME of close friends and family (close to or over 70) many are still driving reasonable distances and travelling. The people I know who don't, never have at any age and don't enjoy driving. Yes, it's more tiring and I'd be the first to admit that, but it's sometimes a necessity.

I don't think the thread is actually about mobility, but about a parent on her own who is lonely. It's common for people who are lonely to exaggerate their circumstances in order to gain sympathy. It's their way of reaching out.

@HettyMeg Yes, I think you should take your Mum up on the misinformation about the weather and power cuts. You could ask her if she's feeling 'ok' and be more sympathetic. I don't know how often you see her but we used to see our parents every half term/ school holidays, so roughly every 6 weeks. We'd book a holiday cottage nearby and combine it so it was a holiday (as my parents' house was small.)

It might also be worth getting her to look into some computer classes for older people who are not confident with IT. (Or you could find one for her.)
There are classes and groups who offer this, so she could become more familiar with IT.

@Octavia64 indeed - I can’t be arsed seems so much harder to actually say - doesn’t mean you don’t care or don’t want to see someone , just the fag of getting there if it involves long train journeys or driving can put ‘some’ people off and it’s not just 70 year olds - I would make sure she can do FaceTime or WhatsApp or something similar and do this regularly - my father in law is86 and 25 minutes drive away or40 mins on bus or train - if like today it’s horrible out then he doesn’t want to drive here and told us not to bother going over but we had a WhatsApp chat instead and he’s happy with that .

Absolutely agree. You cannot judge what people are comfortable or not comfortable doing and what their health needs might be at any age.

I know lots of menopausal/ perimenopausal women who start to get more anxious driving as they go through this phase. They are still highly competent individuals in other areas. One of my highly competent and smart team at work doesn’t drive. She is too anxious. But hold her own in a tough sales negotiation. My female boss is really smart, juggles 3 kids and runs a 30 employee plus practice and has epilepsy so she can’t drive.

We need to stop seeing the world through only our own lenses. Just because you are 70 and drive for 5 hours it doesn’t mean everyone should could or would. I feel compassion towards this lady who is probably just lonely. I see so much harsh judgement towards people at times who are older especially and it’s a shame we don’t have a society or culture that values looking after their own. No wonder we see so much loneliness amongst the elderly. I remember my poor Grandad in the care home after my Grandma had died. He was left alone unless my parents visited and sometimes would phone me in tears because his slippers were ‘wrong’ and he needed different ones. He told me how terribly lonely he felt on his own day in day out. I lived 4 hours away and worked full time with 2 small children and my parents went in every day. But it was still horribly sad for a man who just wanted to be in his own home. I’m going to make sure that as much as my mum can drive me totally nuts I will still be there for her and my Dad. They did their best for me with what they had. I know love me and I will make sure their more difficult days are the best they can be.

Longer life expectancy doesn't mean extended quality of life though. Things start to go wrong usually around the 70 to 75 mark. Things such as arthritis and osteoporosis and not forgetting the almost inevitable (for most people) decline in hearing and eyesight. A later state pension won't stop age related conditions.

You are pushing her to come to yours she really doesn’t want to and to spare your feelings she is saying whatever comes into her mind. Stop pushing she doesn’t want to come to yours.

The stats show average age for male is 79 and 83 for a woman. You can argue the toss, but without detailed health background we have no idea what being 70 means for OP’s mother.

My mother was dead long before then; my mil and fil are active, despite broken hips and Parkinson's at 84. It is not ageist to suggest OP shows some compassion and investigates her mother’s health and wellbeing. FFS.

@Summertimesadnessishere you walk a mile in my shoes and maybe, you'd get a glimpse of why. Not all little old ladies are lovely wee folk. My gran is very controlling and manipulative and those character traits are not new.

I live too far away to go running every time she decides I should. I have 2 children with very complex needs for whom I will be caring until I'm no longer able. So yes, boundaries had to be put in place, for my own wellbeing and my childrens' health and wellbeing. She needs to accept support from external sources otherwise, she's going to be in a very bad situation. For many, many years she has refused help from anyone other than those she dictated. Well I personally am not prepared to land myself in an early grave, further disadvantaging my children, for someone who is selfish, wants to contol those around her, and refuses to help herself in any way. Love and respect goes both ways and sadly she is unable to, and has been unable to, provide either along the way. Nothing is black and white. Family dynamics are complicated as are personal situations. I will not have anyone to care for me in my elderdom. But I will prepare for that and even if my children did not live with the challenges they do, and were able, I would absolutely not expect them to look after me as I age.

It's actually mid 80s, not 80.

The state pension is going to rise to 70 quite soon to reflect longer life expectancy. Many people still work p/t at 70.

As does the OP's mother!

This - many people in my and my DH’s family were dead before 70. People age differently dependent upon genes, underlying health (weight, lifestyle), MH, whether they are still in a partnership or alone etc. It’s wonderful that some people are running marathons at 90 and that others live to 100… but in the UK the average age of death is 80, with a distinct decline in physical and mental health seen in the decade preceding that.

I would visit my mother, if I was OP, check that the house is in good working order and that her memory, agility etc is still in top form and then (having excluded any issues) have a gentle conversation about whether there was a reluctance to come to planned meetings.

Seventy but not elderly? I’m curious, what exactly qualifies as elderly in your view? Total physical decline? Wheelchair bound and blind? It seems the desire to cling to youth has blurred your understanding of what ageing actually is. A 70 yr old is elderly by most definitions, and statistically she’d be fortunate to have another 20 years ahead. That’s the reality.

It's meant to give a perspective, not be smug @ginasevern

MN is very ageist on everything.

Yes, of course, some people have limiting health conditions.
But I know far more people in their 60s and 70s - friends and family- who do drive long distances and always have.

I know a friend of my Mum who is mid 80s and drives a 3 hour round trip to her daughter.

I have a friend living in Europe who drives alone across 3 countries and takes a ferry to the UK to see her elderly family. She's almost 70.

The thing with driving is use it or lose it. If you only drive a few miles and never do, or have done, long distance driving it can be daunting. But the minute you stop (unless forced to with medical issues) you lose confidence and never get it back.

I don't do motorway driving at night because I find that harder, but I plan trips to avoid that.

ignore.

most people lie.

lying to give a socially acceptable reason shy you don’t want to do something is very common.