I think my mum is lying

Sorry, but there are MH and invisible physical conditions that make one unsafe to drive. It’s not all about seeming frail or elderly. OP for example, doesn’t know if her mum’s eyesight or hearing is too bad to drive, or whether her mum has developed an anxiety disorder that makes her reluctant to leave the house and travel. All these can worsen gradually over time and yes emotional reliance can be part of it.

I wonder if she's a bit anxious, if you've a complex relationship, maybe she feels she wants to protect what you've got/she worries about how she might behave and as a result it's easier to just not come. My parents at 65-70 also really started to feel like driving far was too difficult, and won't drive in the dark, or bad weather - they feel embarrassed about this a bit, and make some odd comments like "nobody drives in the dark unless they have to", which patently isn't true and doesn't reflect how they were 10 years ago,but I don't push it as maybe it is what they need to tell themselves.
I also wonder if she's tired, working at 70 is quite hard and she might be exhausted.
I'd try and see the lies as a kindness, she doesn't want to say "I'm not up to seeing you/I don't want to meet you" she wants you to think there's a different reason, she cares about not hurting you. Yes it's annoying setting time aside, but when I think about times I've made excuses for things, it's always been about not wanting the other person to feel let down.
Can you find a way of seeing her that works better for her, but still works for you?

And? You seem very socially naive? People who don’t want to do things will make a polite, socially acceptable lie.

You know it’s a lie, they know you know it’s a lie, but everyone gets on with life. Why is it a big deal?

@FiatLuxAdAstra To be honest, this thread is not really about her mum's physical health and what she can or can't do. The comments have become focused on that when it's not the main point at all. I don't want to be singled out as someone who does XYZ because it's not the point any more of the thread.

The travelling is a red herring.
The OP has come back and said that herself. Her mum is not frail or 'elderly' in that sense. It's more about her demands and reliance on OP for emotional support but not giving anything back in return. Nothing to do with travelling.

OP has had a lot of issues with her Mum for years (as she's mentioned here) and it would appear her Mum has some MH issues which are at the root of the current situation. It's really not about driving, travelling or being physically unable to do something.

I mentioned before that she may want to think about some kind of counselling to try to come to terms with their relationship and that's what I'd still suggest.

We all have anecdotes about ourselves or people we know. The reality is that it is possible that OP’s mother can no longer drive 3hrs each way in stormy weather. The fact that many, including you, still can at her age or older is likely a source shame for her and why she is lying to OP. It’s like she can’t do it, but if she admitted to it, then OP would have to make a fuss but she doesn’t want any fuss.

Its not ‘ageist’ to accept that people who are elderly have different needs and can be affected differently by life, health etc.
It’s ageist to discriminate against someone based on age eg deny a qualified and competent person a job as they are too old. This is not the same thing. People who are giving a different perspective to OP are acknowledging that not all old people are the same in terms of ability. It’s being stated that we all age differently. That’s not saying that someone of 95 can’t still play golf. It’s recognising that someone of 70 may have a health condition by then which makes them unable to. Or in the case of OP's mum , 70 is an age whereby its not unusual ti feel more anxious about driving longer distances.

There is now also clear research that shows the risks for dementia can now be spotted much earlier and a change in driving habits which can be typified by more anxiety starts early eg from 50’s. This might explain some of the cases why people start to feel more anxious driving the older they get. ( not the ONLY) reason.

Ageing varies hugely, I'm 77 and DH is 87, we are both reasonably active, been into London today to an exhibition and had lunch. I think because we use public transport so much we don't worry about train journeys. DH can't drive so I have to drive quite often to see his family who live in deepest Devon, I hate the tiny lanes. His other children live in Londin and are accessible by public transport. My DS lives in York, I always go by train, much less stressful. I'm lucky as my DD and family live about 40 minutes away down the M3, I feel its up to me to visit them as they have busy lives.

100% this!

Honestly: i haven't read the whole thread, except OPs updates (and the first page).

I have had a very similar situation. I have a 72 year old mother who is to all appearances perfectly cognitively health. But I caught her out in a lie.

I have known that she has memory lapses and says what she would have assumed that she would expect herself to do rather than what she did do and can't remember.

She told me a blatant lie last week. Evidence in text etc. No big deal, but she deliberately told me a mistruth. I would have had serious words with dc for such.

I am like the OP. I hate lies. But reading some of these responses, I am realising that it may be not that easy. I might be wrong, but I think that one of the first signs of cognitive decline (dementia, but I don't want to go that far) is losing social graces. And those disappear faster with family.

I have no answer or advice rather than humour her and punch a pillow. There is nothing you can really do now. (Other than monitor sleep, eating and exercise to limit further cognitive decline. And how do you change the habits of someone that age?)

It could be worse. My mum remembers me as an child (undiagnosed with adhd and autism) and calls me stupid, when she asks for my help. I am struggling with what to do.

I don’t and never have.

Unfortunately, living away means seen people less.
Which can be a worry or a relief depending on you’re talking about.

But I don’t think organising you whole life around your parents is fair.

Then you step back.
You have a complex history with your mum. Your mum will have a lot to do with that. It’s not just all,on you u.
She is getting older but is still very active. Certainly doesn’t act or live as if she needs a career/support etc…

So let her be.
She is not your responsibility.
You dint have to know all the ins and outs to smooth things over for her all the time or to pre empt possible issues. Your issue is that you’re worrying for her and wondering where you stand because you think she is lying/embellishing etc… Whixh she might be. But that’s only a worry of yu see your role as her protector. You fully responsible for her well-being.
The thing is youre not. She has capacity. She is responsible for her well-being. I’d step way back and wait to see what help she is asking for instead.

As for how much to do, I feel your ire taking things the wrong way around. You’re putting her and visiting her first and trying to fit your family around. And then you right at the bottom.
Maybe it would be better to put yourself first. See how much tu can do wo being burntout. Then your family, then your mum.

Yes it’s fair enough to make accommodation for her. Yes it’s fair to go and see her etc… but it shouodnt come at your detriment.
And I very much feel that ‘ not knowing if your mum really needs you’ is adding an extra layer of stress/imposing that you could do wo.

I think it depends on what work you do, how much holiday that allows you and how much you're willing to 'give' to a family in terms of time. Most families I knew did 50-50 when the kids were young (grandparents would visit a couple of times a year by train or they might have joint holidays.) Or counted the holiday near the grandparents as 'a holiday'. Some just had to do long weekend and tag on the day for Bank Hol.

Genuine question, but how do people
have the time to do this? I’m at a distance from my one surviving parent and see her 3-4 times a year. Which has been the case for decades. I work full time, so if I used my annual leave to visit every school holiday and half term I’d have no time left to spend just with DH and our kids, on our own holiday, getting things done at home, covering ill
children off school etc? And that’s without in-laws at a similar distance in the opposite direction!

@ginasevern my in laws used to have my son 2 days a week ( 1 overnighter) and I must admit I was greatful for that - as I was working full time , they were early 60s time but in all honesty my MIL didn’t have any friends or interests locally and didn’t work ( as they had lived abroad a fair bit and she was trailing spouse and didn’t work) so I think she genuinely enjoyed having him and my FIL used to still have short term projects too , so he was around a lot too to help -

Maybe you need to thrash this out and come to some arrangement over when you will see her (if you want to, that is.)

If the distance is 3 hours by car, how far is it by train? Trains often halve the journey unless someone needs to cross London.

How often do you see her and take your children to her?
Is this not something you'd do during half terms or school holidays?

Most people I've known over the years with long distance parents would always make a point of using school hols to visit and stay nearby if their parents didn't have a house big enough.

Do you have any siblings or is there just you?

Absolutely. Apart from the fact that your health becomes less predictable as you age (I'm 68 now), you also want to actually enjoy life. That seems to be a cardinal sin for grandparents these days!

@ginasevern and whilst they might be ok for the odd days of childcare or even an odd week now and then they do not want that commitment week in week out and have to stop their other things - I’m 63 , I would do 1 day a week regularly and the odd holiday but that would be it -

@RealityBitesSun "Though I do think people take a rather superficial approach of how active an elderly person is as a merit, regardless of anything else."

Absolutely agree (assuming I've understood your comment correctly!) I so often see posts from young mums complaining that their DM/MIL in her 60's or 70's doesn't want to take on all day childcare for a baby or toddler (or both). They proclaim "but she belongs to a walking group, does pilates, goes to pottery class - she's really active and behaves like she's 40!" They don't seem to grasp that 70 (even with good health and a fair wind) cannot possibly be measured to 40.

Much sympathy - I’ve got a difficult relationship with my ageing mother as well.

I think the only thing you can do is accept that she is going to bail on visits with short notice. If she does, that’s her choice and it means she will see you less, which may be no bad thing. You don’t need to step in and make up for it by going to her instead.

I don’t blame her tbh. It’s a long drive. The white lie was to avoid offending you.

Don’t apologise OP!

There are some very judgmental replies here, but this is MN after all 🙄 .

There’s always at least one eejit taking a swipe at Farage or Trump (irrelevant to the subject and so arrogant, but let’s get some virtue signalling in). Or else accusing you of being one of the Bad Daughter brigade; they didn’t read your actual original post properly.

But, tangentially, at least, it’s been quite an interesting thread in what constitutes “elderly”. It varies sooooo much. Though I do think people take a rather superficial approach of how active an elderly person is as a merit, regardless of anything else.

good luck ☘️

She's only 70.
I know many older people in their 80s and even 90s who go by train - they use Assisted Travel- bags are carried on and off, someone helps you on the train and off it. You book the service when you buy your ticket.

@HettyMeg TBH I don't think you should have posted this in Elderly Parents, as you said at the start. Relationship may have been a better part of the site

. You just given a long description of how she's not frail, she works every day, drives, has friends etc.

She lives a few hours away and recently our relationship has not been great. Too much history to explain in a short post but she is emotionally immature and despite being independent in other ways is reliant on me to support her emotionally e.g. leaning on me for advice, being a confidante, etc. This has taken a toll and I'm withdrawing a bit as I don't get the same support in return and I'm fed up of the moods and silent treatment I get if I've wronged her somehow (in her eyes)

This is more about your relationship. It's hard to know what is going on from your first post.

You know the backstory here- we don't. Is she widowed or divorced? How far back does it go when she became reliant on you to share her emotional stuff? After a divorce? After your father died?

Can you redirect her 'neediness' to her own friends? Can you suggest she shares her needs with them? Can you also 'call her out' on what you think are the lies / exaggeration and the last minute change of plan to see you?

I honestly think that if you can state how you feel about her behaviour it will help.
If you say to her 'It upsets me when you cancel last minute- can you give more notice?' Or' I feel you aren't always truthful and that worries me.'

Your Mum could live for another 20 years. You need somehow to get beyond what's happening now and maybe consider sharing your past history with a counsellor so you can manage the present and negotiate the future more easily.

Good luck.

Do you think women stop driving for 3 hours when they hit 70?

@MaurineWayBack "Theyd have no issue with taking the train etc… either."

There is two of them though. Taking long journeys by train or bus is immeasureably easier when there's two of you. You've got someone to watch your bags when you go to the loo or need to check something out, someone to help carry the bags if you encounter steps or you need to change trains. These things aren't particularly a piece of cake when you're young but trust me, it's ten times harder and more daunting when you're old and alone.