What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

Your siblings can't be forced to help your parents. If you want to cut this siblings out of your life because of it that is up to you. Don't take on more than you can manage. Can parent claim attendance allowance? if so outsource some help to a cleaner or agency carer.

There’s nothing you can or should do. You want to help, your sibling doesn’t, that’s it. If you lose respect for them over it, that’s your choice.

I was in this situation a bit but as the "refusee". It wasn't just selfishness though. I suffered subtle emotional abuse and manipulation as well as some neglect and had a very difficult and painful relationship with my mother throughtout adulthood. Even with many years of antidepressants and therapy it remained a tricky and painful relationship until her death. I had to protect myself emotionally from too much contact with her, even in the face of pressure and manipulation from her and my sibling to "do more".
My younger sibling does not know how I feel, they do not know about the antidepressants and the therapy. Their relationship with my mother was different and they perceived their childhood very differently to me. I have not felt able to share my experience with them as I felt they would not be able to acknowledge a different experience to their own and also would not be able to keep things confidential. I often felt I was being judged as being lazy/ selfish by both my mother and my sibling.

It may be that your siblings just wants to live their life selfishly but it also may be that they have stuff going on that you don't know about. I don't see how you can know for certain.

So many families fall out over this sort of thing. You might have a long road ahead, don’t be too quick to condemn your sibling.

Things like this aren’t black and white and you're just at the beginning, you might still all work it out between you. Keep communicating.

What I mean that is if a sibling doesn't help they don't get to say things like 'someone needs to visit mum every day' or ' mum would like to go out for coffee more often' or later on 'mum should be cared for at home' . Obviously if your Mum has capacity her views are important but whatever she wants the two of you caring only have to do what you are willing and able.

I'm in a similar situation with a sibling and other close family member who has accepted huge amounts of help from my mother but both refuse to do very much at all now that Mum needs quite a lot of help. I understand your frustration and I agree that it will definitely change my relationship with them going forward. However, as pp have said for the sake of your own mental health you will need to accept that you can't make them share the burden and so need to plan ways to manage that will work for you, including finding external help if needed.

Having said that, I can understand your older siblings not wanting to give up their freedom for caring duties. I'm in a similar position myself and really unhappy that my younger sibling (who chose to have children later in life) considers that I should give up all my spare time now. I am doing what needs to be done for Mum's sake but privately I feel that I deserve some freedom now that my DC are older just as my younger sibling had freedom for longer before he settled down. I have also reached an age where I see friends with declining health and/or taking on caring for grandchildren and I feel that I need to take some time to do things for myself whilst I am still fit, well and able. Although in my case the feelings towards my sibling are exacerbated by the fact that when they were of an age to enjoy their freedom my own parents spent their time, energy and money helping/bailing out my sibling and the other family member mentioned above so they didn't get to really enjoy retirement.

You can’t force your other sibling to do their share of the care work. Even if they agreed to certain tasks, if they decide they are not doing them, you and helpful sibling will end up picking up the slack, potentially at short notice. Hopefully your parent will give POA just to you and helpful sibling. Depending on how it is set up, you and helpful sibling could have to wait for the other one to agree to any decisions or your other sibling could act unilaterally to undermine you and helpful sibling.

What will happen if your parent needs hands-on care? I suspect the answer will depend on whether this is DM or DF and whether you and helpful sibling are the same or opposite sex.

Before DP is discharged from hospital, make sure there is an appropriate care package in place and be honest about what you can offer. Social Services will try to put the minimum in place (being mindful that this is funded by the public purse) but caring can be very intense and gradually increase until you are doing more than you can cope with long-term. The last thing you need is for either you or helpful sibling to burn out. Citizens Advice can be helpful for telling you what services are available in your area, both for carers and the person receiving care, and what they are called locally as Social Services may not know or volunteer this information.

Make sure your parent knows who in the family is and is not helping as, to put it nicely, recollections can vary.

Exactly.
I moved to another country, one reason was never to have the "duty" to help my (emotionally abusive) parents.
It was a good decision.

I'm one of three. I live four hours away and am quite unwell myself. I work FT to help dc at uni with their costs. I have no spare capacity or funds. The other two live nearby. One does a very limited amount (has suffered trauma from DM's cruelty and abuse throughout life). The other runs round DM doing things that are necessary, but also things she could easily do herself. Then complains about it.

It's very difficult. I feel if my sibling did less dm would go into residential care or a warden controlled flat. The help enables her not to. None of us has a good relationship with her though.

Yes not only, they gloated when I had 0. God turned it that way, because in the UK SE everything is 10 times more expensive, than the birth country, I ended up OK numerically ....I won't be going back and asking for inheritance ...let my dn and niece have it. Sweet innocent kids, its not their fault , my ones will inherit from us and children uncles

I think as an individual you decide what you are able to do and do that
Any gaps to be filled by paid for care

ExH is like this.

he is one of three. The youngest has been noticeably favoured - given free childcare, given vast amounts of money.

neither he nor the other sibling will be stepping up to offer care.

their parents made clear which child they like, very very clear.

they aren’t expecting to be left anything.

I don't drive so couldn't drive anyone to anywhere. Also live abroad, my brother does it all, but also my parents gave him everything over, knowing I struggled on many levels before marrying, the more I struggled, the more they abused me verbally and emotionally, they did childcare for his kids from a baby stage, I did mine completely on my own ....where do I even fit in their picture lol.....a very sarcastic ironic lol

Edited to just fluff up overall context with relevant detail

I always thought I'd welcome siblings at this stage in life. DH has syepped up and our mothers are 89. His sisters do sweet fa. I am glad now to be an only. I had more sweets, do more care but there have never been sibling tensions.

Ideally, pay for the care the sibling isn't providing and request your parent alters their will and deducts the cost of that care from the sibling's share. I wish MIL would do that and leave half to dh and a quarter each to the bloody sisters, one of whom didn't even bother to fly in for her father's funeral.

While I agree with PP that care work can't be forced on someone, I also see where you are coming from that it will impact how you see that person moving forward.

That person may have a different perspective on their childhood or may have things going on you don't know about but if they just cba then you can't do anything about it but you wouldn't be wrong to be hurt.

I am very close to my siblings if our parents needed care and one refused to help I would probably have a chat with them about it. Not go in confrontational or with demands but really trying to understand where they are coming from. Do they still think you and your sibling should do it or do they feel it would all be paid for. How would they feel if you also pulled back and your parent had no one.

I know someone who basically has done this, pulled away fully from looking after their parent. They have been transparent that their parent was a good parent and they love them but they've just got through the child rearing and they finally have a bit of money and freedom and don't want to be tied down. In one way, fair enough I suppose. In another way it does make me sad that what we owe to eachother is being eroded and self interest prioritised. Some would say thats a good thing and I can see their point ... Rambling now, but just saying I understand your point that it may taint how you view them.

I’m in a similar position - three siblings but only two of us helping with parental care. The third sibling is not interested in helping.

Yes, it has hugely affected my relationship with that sibling. Whereas we were previously reasonably close and in regular contact, I now struggle to engage with them much, knowing that they just don’t care and knowing how exhausted I and second sibling are becoming from the care responsibilities.

My advice to you would be,

First, to reach a place of acceptance. You cannot change your siblings mind, nor force them to help with caring for your parents. It is their life and they are entitled to live it as they wish. Whether or not you agree with their choices, you do have to accept it.

Second, agree with your other sibling what each of your limits are (and your individual limits may be different - accept that too). How much time can you reasonably give to this. How much money will it cost you. Discuss with your parents too, what you are each able to help with. Your parents need to understand and get on board with your help.
In our family, between me and sibling two, we can manage taking to all medical appointments, helping with life admin, and emotional support/keeping company. We cannot manage cleaning as well so parent has (at first reluctantly but now happily) accepted having a weekly cleaner. Think of ways to help that work for all of you without burning out.

Were you the golden child? MIL definately favoured his other siblings over him and helped them out with house deposits and childcare etc. She was always emotionally available to his siblings and his siblings DCs. We won't be falling over ourselves to help her if and when she needs care.

At the end of the day you can only make decisions about how much you are willing to help. You can't dictate what others do.

No, I don't think it is. Most parents would prefer to be cared for by their child rather than by a paid carer, but it's their child's decision whether to provide that care.

Care work should never be forced.

Other sibling not interested and doesn’t want to give up their freedom.

What did they actually say, how is their relationship and help does parent actually need?

Isn't that for the parent to decide

I have no relationship with my brother's since I was left to care for both parents.

You do what/how much you feel is appropriate. You can’t insist a sibling does anything, so just let it go. Equally, your relationship with them going forward is up to you (but they may have their reasons for not helping and their views are as valid as yours). Outsource as much care as possible. Dont be a martyr.

You can't force someone to help but what you can do is make it clear that they also forfeit the right to vocalise opinions on how the care is provided.