What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

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Its a choice and you choose to help. They don't. What would happen if there was no one to help? They would arrange taxis and hospital transport. Parents money is spent to buy in services they require.

Can I make a few comments here. I was one of three. Other two did very little and were living abroad. One in particular couldnt give a stuff. Both retired early.

It does sound like you feel a moral duty to do all of this. When my late parent lived 100 miles away from me I spoke to GP and they arranged trasnport for hospital appointments. There are always options, some elderly people dont have anyone.

If you CHOOSE to do this that is YOUR decision. Your parent is very likely to want you to do it and this grows and grows, Take me to an appointment. Give your number to all health professionals and goodness knows who as you will understand more than they will. At one point my number felt like it was given out to half the county!

My advice whereever you can is get parent used to others doing things for them.

Mum used to moan about having to be collected early for her appointments but in the end got used to it.

I have a friend who is at the beck and call of her parent. She wont listen to anyone who suggests that Mum gets a cleaner. She insists on doing it herself even though she doesnt have time because apparently Mum prefers her to do it, doesnt want strangers in the house etc.

If they don’t want to help just do your bit then your parent can deal with their child who won’t help their aren’t. You can only control you and if they don’t care don’t bother either them anymore

I understand you’re upset by your sibling’s behaviour but they are not obliged to help. Your feelings about it will obviously affect your relationship with them. That’s life sometimes.

There can be a default assumption/setting in families that the daughters get the brunt of the caring/supporting & organising burden of their elderly parents. Some sons or brothers simply refuse to see the things that are required & are quite happy to remain opted out of any responsibilities. It sucks. Not all families but I still think it’s common. Falls under an extension of the “load” we are somehow just expected to provide.
Don’t know if that applies to your situation OP & not knocking men who do pull their weight. In an ideal world there would be funds (elderly parents’ funds) to ensure no family member gets an undue amount of the burden. But harder in practise when another person is required to stay with someone for 24hrs after an operation for eg - where one of the siblings, you would think, if they are able, should step in & take their turn. If only it were that straightforward.

I know what you're saying here but this is so hard for people as well. If no one else steps up, someone has to and it's usually the one with the most empathy and inability to see someone neglected.

Not saying it's that in all cases but if no one is helping, there will be someone who just cannot bear to see that and will have to step in. They get used.

I am the main carer for both my parents as a live a 5 min drive from them. It's recently got very difficult and they (and I) are struggling to cope. I have 2 siblings who both live more than 3 hours away. DB has been helpful when we've been really stuck - like when I had surgery and couldn't drive for a couple of months. DSIS can't help much due to her work and providing childcare for her GC. She also remembers DM as abusive and has not forgiven her. I did not have it so bad as the youngest and my parents helped me a lot over the years with childcare etc. I don't begrudge my sister- in fact, I feel protective of her. She's had a lot of shit to deal with in her life and she does not have capacity to pitch in now. I am trying to outsource some of the care as it's overwhelming, but I don't factor in Dsis & DB only for emergencies.

You help out as much as you want/are able and the others do the same.

This was an issue in my family where one brother visited and helped his father daily and the other went for one hour once a week. I always maintained that both had the option to visit when they wanted and made their own decisions.

I’m the older sibling.

my father is dying.

he was horrible to me - I would say abusive - and is closer to my brother.

I won’t do any care for him.

I am very LC for good reason.

my bother thinks I’m a bitch because we had a lovely childhood.

I’ve also got ovarian cancer which I’m about to start treatment for but he doesn’t know that. We aren’t close and I don’t want to tell him.

just a different perspective.

OP, it's not your job to "update" any of your siblings. If you parent wants them to know stuff, they'll tell them. Otherwise, just leave well alone and don't take on unnecessary tasks.
And there's nothing wrong with dying alone - that is what I want for myself, so that nobody else is impacted. Your views are yours - fine, but don't assume that other valid views don't also exist.

OP, imagine an older person in your parent's situation who doesn't have any children or relatives. They have no choice but to work this out for themselves, pay for taxis etc. They do it without questioning it, so it is perfectly possible. So it's not automatic that adult children are obligated to do this - with a bit of imagination, there will be all sorts of possible solutions.

I would accept that it's my sibling's choice to make just as, equally, I would also have a choice to make re caring for a parent. Absolutely nobody is obligated to do this, OP, so if you don't want to do it, that's fine - just be clear. Also, don't turn yourself into a martyr, and resent others because of it.

Caring is hard. It changes your relationship with your parent and impacts your whole family . I’m currently the main carer for my mum who has dementia and has lost a lot of mobility. In some ways I wish my sister had just said she doesn’t want to do it but instead she says she will and does the minimum. I think she wants to be seen to be hands on but the reality is my husband does a lot more to support me.

my mum was a wonderful mum and grandma and I want to do this for her but there have been so many times when ive been overweight and I’ve wanted to run away from the huge responsibility which is just so physically and emotionally draining. I don’t think it’s for everyone and I don’t think we can force them to do it BUT it does also feel unfair at times.

I thought the other sibling was retired and kids had left home. How are they overwhelmed?
It does seem selfish of the third sibling, are they definitely in a position to help?

Something is weird.

Are you sure your brother isn't directly in touch with your parent?

Or he or his spouse or adult child have their own horrible health or similar life altering crisis going on right now which he doesn't want to or have bandwidth or permission to share with you and your sister?

Siblings really don't ever have the same childhood btw even when they have both the same parents and grew up in the same house.

Birth order and biological sex make an absolutely enormous difference to how each parent treat children even when this is completely unintentional and subconscious and parents genuinely believe they treated their children the same way (an example without any abuse is that the eldest girl is/ used to be made responsible for younger siblings and the younger ones think they had a lovely childhood in which they all loved spending time together, while the eldest remembers not being allowed to leave the house unless she took her siblings, not being allowed to study for exams if her siblings were bored and wanted her to play, being shamed as selfish for not letting siblings on her room whenever they wished, being shamed for not prioritising her siblings' wants and happiness above her own needs and wants - all to give her parents "peace and quiet"). Older parents might have been harsher on a boy in different ways to girls - boys treated more coldly - not meant to express emotional needs/ cry/ be sad/ want affection/ fail at sports/ academics or whatever.

Obviously though it's entirely possible that your brother is a selfish arsehole. Still, if he is, ypu have to wonder how that happened if your parents were wonderful - nature is their genetics and nature their choices bringing him up.

My repulsive 'ex' sister refused to speak to, go near or have anything to do with our mother in the last few years of her life.
I also stopped talking to 'sister' as she was very unpleasant bout my own children. I did everything (willingly but it was exhausting) for our mother. Mum then had a serious stroke and was admitted to hospital and finally a care home for end of life care.
All of a sudden S decided to start visiting, calling the hospital/home with demands for information and offering' advice'. It made me so angry. The manager of the home called to calm me down but as I didn't have POA (stupidly) there was nothing I could do.
S didn't come to mum's funeral, luckily, as it would have been very difficult for me to stay civil., but very quickly, along with her equally revolting son, demanded a copy of the will, a list of expenses, and her share.
This was 6 years ago and I simply do not consider I have a sister anymore, which is sad.
There are two sides of course but I found it so distressing. She had no dependants, no ties, nothing and I had three children, grandchildren a busy job and the stress of not knowing when mum would die, organising the funeral, clearing her home... I sometimes wonder how i did it!
The worst bit was finding a card from S to mum when she was about a month from dying saying along the lines of 'we're having a wonderful holiday - will be flying back soon and pop in'.Disgusting woman

It does seem very odd with your latest update. What’s the other siblings take on this ?

I understand your frustration, but nobody should be obligated to help. You are doing it, despite saying you don't want to. They are equally within their rights to not do it. And I don't think you should be shaming them for that.

You can't decide for someone else. You can decide how their choices affect your relationship and you can decide to tell them. You can set limits for yourself too. But maybe your feelings for them are not conditional on what they do or don't do. There might be other things they are willing to help with, down the road, so probably not in your interests to completely burn bridges.

Yes there is nothing you can do and yes / they are prioritising themselves over you and your parents / and you should treat them the same back - deprioritised

No one is obligated to care for their parents so they have the right to set boundaries if they want to just as you feel obliged to help. Not everyone is built for caring. If they can afford it they can buy in help.