Elderly parents and finances…

We’ve been in a similar situation. The parent who did all the finances died suddenly and the other one had no clue having let the other one sort all of that out throughout their marriage. They’d also assumed the non- financially competent one would die first due to their various medical issues…
Talk to your dad now. Get him to list all the accounts and consolidate as much as he can now to reduce the number of accounts you have to deal with. This was a massive issue for us, multiple Isas etc and no clear records what was where. Also a list of insurance providers etc and renewal dates.
To be honest if they’ve never done this stuff it’s probably easier to take over than try to teach them. But make sure they do what they are able to do e.g if they are used to making online payments, online shopping etc they keep doing that instead of you taking over.
And it can definitely be done remotely! It is in our case partly as the local sibling would struggle themselves.

My response to her,demand that you would just have to sort everything would have been a firm,"I absolutely will not be doing that. I suggest you either learn now, or put something in place for when it happens".

In the timeless words of Mr Bennet in Pride and Prejudice . . . "My dear, do not give way to such gloomy thoughts. Let us hope for better things. Let us flatter ourselves that I may be the survivor". Apologies, its not helpful but it is good to keep a sense of humour in these stressful situations! As you were :)

Lots of good advice here a few practical things:

be dismissive of the assumptions, when am I going to have time for that mum, I’ve got a job a house and 4 kids to organise

make sure as much of finances and bills are set up on direct debit now. When PoA is necessary you can then just set up internet banking and keep an eye from afar.

get her used to internet food shop

give her jobs. Ok I can do that but you need to phone x,y,z first I’ll do it when you’ve done it.

DH has just ordered my mum a new tv remote that literally has on off change channel and volume. Not sure how well it will work yet.

start setting your boundaries now and state your time restrictions.

trust me I’m currently at the point you’re dreading.

I can understand the resentment, although I don’t have a magic bullet for it, unfortunately.

If this is going to fall in your lap regardless, I would try and find the time to sit with your Dad now, and have him tell you where everything is, passwords etc (as a PP suggested). Yes it’s hassle, but it’ll be a lot less hassle than trying to resolve it when you’re grieving his death and trying to get bills, funeral costs etc settled quickly.

I really thought I was going to die when I had my nervous breakdown. It's incredible the damage these sorts of parents do.

I hope you and others on this thread are okay.

Actually, you didn't say you were doing something about it

You said you were aware that you'd have to

Many people who have dealt with the consequences of the capable parent suddenly being ill will feel as strongly as I do

For the sake of your children, start now. I've seen that whole "get it sorted tomorrow" attitude and it is truly appalling for the people dealing with the fallout.

I don't have children by the way

I would never abandon my mother, but given what I've been through, I sometimes wish I could

If my comment means that you actually do start now, then I will have done something worthwhile.

Can relate. My dad died recently and my mum said that my sibling and I "would have to" manage her finances.

I am so tired.

You obviously chose to ignore the last part of my post which says I will be doing something about it. I have lovely kids so no they won’t be walking away, just like I haven’t ’walked away’ from my parents.

Let’s hope when AI takes over and you’re elderly and need help yours don’t feel like you do! Lovely people on here…

just reading that makes me really angry

You know you're lining up a world of pain for your kids and you don't even care.

hopefully, they have the strength to walk away when the time comes.

I suspect that my late husband had ADHD . As well as lots of other things he was useless with money from when we first met as teenagers. I was in charge of finances and banking from when the children were tiny.
Sadly he died after a short illness when he was 57 and I was 54 . That was 18 years ago and I’m managing my own finances at 72. I think if I’d have died first he may have been bankrupt by now

We have ' jobs ' in our relationship also . I do all the washing , changing of beds , changing of towels in the bathrooms , clean the windows all stuff , arrange appointments like Drs & dentist , open mail , send it out etc.
He does the bins , read the meters , pays those sort of bills , and all the heavy jobs in the house etc.
Tbh we'd both be lost without the other , and that isn't a good thing .

If she can’t cope with life admin she will need to move into a residential home of some description, she might not need care but sounds like she wants to be waited on - she’ll obviously have to pay for this as it won’t be on medical grounds

It's bewildering reading. My pil are both 80, both online, pay things together, we haven't any poa though they both have cancers , one of which invurable. He is a step fsther and came with his clothes in her house. Seeing how defensive finance wise mine ones are, I'm astonished reading about the opposite cases

So what kind of mums your mothers were when they were raising you ? Doing exactly what in their own homes and lives?? Was your father the main parent as well

That's bewildering to read. How mum raised you with so much incompetence in her layer years....my grandma was helping my mother into my mother's 60!! Not the other way round

As the unmarried and childfree daughter I had no intention of being manipulated into being the default carer for my needy mother so I moved to another city. My sister was the golden princess when we were children. She had been promised 2/3 of the estate because she had "given" them grandchildren. My achievements in being the first family member to go to uni and earning a Ph.D were nothing in comparison. So I decided she could earn it by being the golden carer. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (to yourself).

If he dies before her, transfer the money to her, put the heating to come twice a day, it's all automatic

Of there is money, life goes on. No money, that's the only issue

This is pretty feeble isn’t it. My grandmother was similar when my grandfather died, but that was in 1976!

My mother (dead now, and would be 98 if she was still alive) was much more capable, so I think there’s little excuse for someone only in their late 70s.

One thing I did for my mother was write her a one-page guide on how to use the television and video recorder (it was a long time ago)!

You could do something similar for your mother: separate “how to” guides on central heating, television, and anything else needed. Better still, get your father to write them!

Yes of course, they will pay a funeral invoice.

But that is nothing to do with the POA. The bank released money for my grandmother's funeral and she had never done a POA.

This is not entirely true. Yes, the POA is shut off at death, but banks allow one further payout for a funeral on presentation of a death certificate and funeral invoice.

This could be a blessing in disguise.

By taking over finances, you would avoid the (inevitable) following:

1. phone calls about being locked out of accounts and forgotten passwords
2. finding out the hard way that 20k has been given in cash to a ne’er-do-well who’s chopped down all the trees in the garden
3. having to close out multiple bogus insurance products sold over the phone
4. ’emergencies’ because an ‘official’ looking letter has arrived which turns out to be a flyer for a kebab shop
5. searching for the council tax bill that’s been ‘filed’ in the fridge

My experience is that children still have to take over even if they haven’t been asked and by then everything’s a mess.

You could have a spreadsheet, set up the direct debits, go with your mum to get cash out once a week and that’s that.

You’re an adult, of course you have a choice. Make it clear that it won’t be happening and she needs to make alternative arrangements.

Thank you, this is really helpful.

The finance POA can be used whenever you like, so if you have capacity but want help with your finances you can ask your daughter to register it with the banks so she can help you. If you don't currently need financial help then there is no point really. It's your choice. (The health POA can only be used when you have lost the capacity to make your own decisions.)

Please note - the financial POA will be of no help after your death with funeral arrangements and bills. When you die, the POA dies with you, and her access to your bank accounts will be shut off.